The Courage to Be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself

Rating:
Summary: A little disappointed
Review: As a newly married woman, I found myself completely unprepared for dealing with my new teenage stepdaughter that I saw only once or twice a week. This book was a wonderful confirmation of the feelings and emotions that a stepmom, with or without her own children, can experience and gives practical ways to deal with those feelings. I would consider this a must-read for new stepmoms.

Rating:
Summary: A little disappointed
Review: I actually returned the book because it was hard to read. It didn't have a steady flow to it. I felt that it was choppy and very hard to visualize what the author was saying.

Rating:
Summary: A Source of Sustenance and Hope for Stepmoms
Review: I bought a copy of "The Courage to Be A Stepmom - Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself" after my husband and I began dating and found it to be very down-to-earth - although as a stepmom to be, I couldn't quite relate to everything in it just yet. Now with two years of marriage under my belt, I can say her appraisal of the situation was honest. Our first year of marriage was an emotional roller-coaster for me - I was surprised by the depth of my emotions and how they would just bubble out sometimes. The book is divided into five sections discussing: (1) why stepmothering is difficult, (2) how stepmothering can be manageable and (even) enjoyable, (3) how to take care of yourself, (4) strengthening your marriage, and (5) gathering the gifts - meaning reaping in the harvest of your emotional investment in building a stepfamily. This is a very reflective and insightful book - one that encourages stepmoms to feel their way gently into their role within a stepfamily, to not push stepchildren too hard for acceptance, and to gather strength and comfort from within. It also talks about how to avoid harboring bitterness and closing off oneself emotionally - advocating instead that we have the courage to love our spouses and to forge ties with our new stepfamily members. It addresses not only the practical feelings that emerge for many stepmothers, but also spiritual and emotional health. Some may find the book's rather wishy-washy feel-good spiritual nature a little disquieting (it advocates that stepmothering be embraced as a spiritual journey), but many will appreciate the book's emphasis on health in all its aspects - and truly we are all affected in our personal attitude and spirit by how we view our role in a stepfamily.

Rating:
Summary: warm, engaging - and misses four fundamentals
Review: I have specialized in providing professional education and therapy to divorced, courting, and re/wedded couples since 1981. I am (a) 66, (b) a stepgrandson, stepson, and ex-stepfather and stepbrother, (c) an invited Board member of the Stepfamily Association of America, (d) a contributing editor to 'Your Stepfamily Online,' and (e) the author of six personal-growth and family-relations books.

I recommend "The Courage to be a Stepmom" to women who want an upbeat introduction to the challenging roles of stepmother and "myself." I do not recommend it to anyone seeking the core requisites for success at both roles.

Like most experienced authors in this genre, Sue Thoele misses four core hazards that (I believe) every re/married partner needs to know:

1) why and how to assess and reduce co-parents' psychological wounds from childhood (vs. divorce);

2) the origin and impacts of blocked grief in adults and kids, and how to spot and reduce it;

3) co-parent unawareness of five key topics: (a) normal personality formation, composition, and function; (b) keys to high-nurturance families and relationships, (c) effective communication skills, (d) healthy 3-level grief, and - for some - (e) stepfamily realities and norms and implications. and...

4) little effective re/marital and co-parenting help (i.e. courtship coaching, classes, informed counseling, co-parent support groups) available in most communities and the media.

In my clinical experience, these factors will combine to block the most motivated adults from following well-meant re/marital and stepparenting advice, as in this book. If ignored, the factors inexorably promote choosing the wrong people to re/wed, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time - and subsequent stresses and re/divorce. Awareness, acceptance, and discussion of these factors - ideally starting in courtship - can reduce the first three stressors, and help to achieve high-nurturance stepfamilies.

For more perspective on this review, see:

http://sfhelp.org/11/choose_bks.htm

Rating:
Summary: Wonderfully honest and POSITIVE
Review: I just love this book. I felt such validation of my feelings. The author has really been there, so her opinion is personal and also universal. With this book's help, I was able to name my feelings and know that I wasn't alone. There are also great marriage tips too. I highly recommend it.

Rating:
Summary: Indispensible!!!
Review: I read this book right before I became a stepmother, and it was absolutely critical in helping me establish myself comfortably within my new family and within myself in my new role. While other books I read outlined common situations and concluded, "open communication and low expectations from the outset help avoid these problems," Sue Thoele takes the need for open communication and low expectations as her starting point, then delves deeply into HOW to accomplish these difficult tasks, with a great deal of emotional realism and insight. I found myself turning to my partner and discussing points she had brought up on almost every other page, discussions that helped the two of us establish exactly the open communications that all stepmothering authors recommend. She sets exactly the right positive tone to inspire you that you, too, can avoid and survive the landmines of stepmotherhood.

Rating:
Summary: At last! Both realistic AND hopeful...
Review: My new husband teases me good-naturedly for my collection of 16 stepparenting books (and counting), but it's important to me to do the best I can. I've read a ton on this topic, and though I think it's important to do that, the reading often drags down my spirit and I find myself anxious and saddened by the enormity of this undertaking. It's particularly difficult and overwhelming as a never-married, no children wife.

This book is has been an incredible relief. Ms. Thoele manages to candidly acknowledge the difficulties faced by a stepmother and to offer some accurate and helpful insights without ever losing her underlying message that this is possible, we CAN do it, and there are steps you can take to make this a positive adventure. She reminds us that the rewards we reap often correspond to the effort involved, and so there is great hope.

I find myself wanting to highlight far too much of the text to make highlighting worthwhile! I'm tremendously relieved that this book arrived shortly before my wedding, and I rate it in the "top 5" stepfamily books in my growing collection. Do yourself a favor if you're a stepmother: grab this book, sit down with a cup of coffee, and allow yourself some grounded encouragement from someone who has been there.

Rating:
Summary: At last! Both realistic AND hopeful...
Review: My new husband teases me good-naturedly for my collection of 16 stepparenting books (and counting), but it's important to me to do the best I can. I've read a ton on this topic, and though I think it's important to do that, the reading often drags down my spirit and I find myself anxious and saddened by the enormity of this undertaking. It's particularly difficult and overwhelming as a never-married, no children wife.

This book is has been an incredible relief. Ms. Thoele manages to candidly acknowledge the difficulties faced by a stepmother and to offer some accurate and helpful insights without ever losing her underlying message that this is possible, we CAN do it, and there are steps you can take to make this a positive adventure. She reminds us that the rewards we reap often correspond to the effort involved, and so there is great hope.

I find myself wanting to highlight far too much of the text to make highlighting worthwhile! I'm tremendously relieved that this book arrived shortly before my wedding, and I rate it in the "top 5" stepfamily books in my growing collection. Do yourself a favor if you're a stepmother: grab this book, sit down with a cup of coffee, and allow yourself some grounded encouragement from someone who has been there.

Rating:
Summary: One of the best...
Review: The author, a psychotherapist and a stepmother, begins her comforting book by helping the reader understand the impact of her past and present on her family. She stresses the need for flexibility as stepmoms search for the courage to be "teachers of love and connection."

She discusses reasonable and realistic expectations and how the stepmom can exercise her right to boundaries without jeopardizing her marriage. The eight concise "stepmuddling" steps are a practical guide for getting through the typical stepfamily struggles.

Mrs. Thoele encourages the reader to be a "true friend" to herself by holding on to what sustains her and taking care of her marriage. She also provides tips to guide the stepmom in helping her own children adjust to the new family.

You'll find inspiration in "Gathering the Gifts," in which the author discusses the gifts that we receive from stepchildren and the spiritual gifts that we would not have so fully developed in perhaps another family situation. The "Twenty Guidelines for Stepmoms" are right on target and equally applicable to stepdads.

One sentence of the book speaks for us all as we struggle to find the courage that we need to succeed in our demanding role against incredible odds: "I believe that I did the best I could considering who I was at the time." Keep doing the best you can where you are.

Rating:
Summary: thanks for the reminders... patience and letting go.
Review: The book was an easy read but direction and focus in each chapter was lost. So many subjects were touched on I didn't feel detailed attention and time were used for me to really dig in and say "YES, I understand. I agree. So That's what I can do and Thank you for the advice." I read in entirety however, it's the kind of book you can open to any given page, read a few paragraphs, get a quick lift and put down... The personal experiences shared were those of several women who are mothers them selves and are joining families, which is different than those women who entered a marriage without children of their own. I'm finding that most books about stepmothering are for women who have children of their own and are joining families... this books falls under that category as well. Although I had hope for an actual `stepmother', not mother/stepmother book "The Courage to be a Stepmom" had plenty to offer. I made note of several excerpts that I intend to use as reference when I'm in need of encouraging words/advice. You will put this book down with a hopeful attitude however it will leave you wanting more. Although, I got a lot out of this book, my search continues to seek MY `stepmothering bible'...