Marriage Shock

Rating:
Summary: But what is the solution?
Review: An excellent description of why we divorce but no solution! I give this book an excellent grade for identifying a problem( women become second class shortly after marriage). Her idea is that it happens because of fairly recent cultural traditions, and this is more creative than the feminist approach that it happens because men are patriarchal male chauvinist pigs. Others would claim it is in the basic nature of women. They would argue that women prove this by always seeking a taller man,expecting him to ask her for the first and second date,expecting him to pay and earn more; assuming the bottom in bed etc etc. But regardless of the cause she is quite correct that women loose power after marriage, despite having the power to make a man tremble over every word on a first date, causing men to loose the love and respect his date once inspired. The solution to this fascinating problem is absent in this book and largely absent in feminism,psychology, and popular culture despite a divorce rate hovering at 55%. The book: The 91% Factor: why women initiate 91% of divorce recognizes this problem but is mostly about how women can always inspire their men rather than become unloved servants.

Rating:
Summary: An "AHA!" Moment!!!
Review: Heyn's premise, that women lose the zip and tang of their unique personalities upon marrying, is right on target. This is not a "man-bashing" book. Its focus is primarily on women, not on their husbands. When I read her description of what Heyn calls "the witness," I immediately recognized and understood exactly to what she was referring. It was such a relief to realize that I am absolutely normal (in that respect at least) and that my discomfort in marriage is not something that has to be forever endured, nor that it is my fault, nor is it my husband's fault. Most women who have any sense or sensibility apparantly feel much the same as I do: suffocated by wifery.

My gripe about the book is this: minimal hard data. Due to contemplation of my own marital experience, I had little difficulty accepting much of what Heyn hypothesizes. There are those, however, who maintain that, if a woman is unhappy in her marriage, it's because she's somehow unfit. Perhaps her unhappiness is due to a fault: she is selfish, greedy, lazy, stupid, crazy, poorly bred, too unlike a man, etc... Heyn's heavy reliance on anecdotal evidence to prove her point won't do much to convince those who deny that a "good" woman married to a decent man can be unhappy in her marriage.

In addition, after reading the material describing the harm the witness causes a marrige, I was very disappointed to find but one chapter devoted to resolving this problem. Too many chapters are wasted on explaining the witness phenomenon, and not enough information is provided to help the reader to disable the "witness." But, as an introduction to the subject, I would definitely recommend this book. I, for one, am grateful that Ms. Heyn chose to share her insight on the prickly conundrum that is marriage.

Rating:
Summary: A compelling, well-written new theory on women and marraige.
Review: I recently had the opportunity to read "Marriage Shock" & was absolutely riveted by this insightful treatise on what happens to women's identities after marriage. The book made me aware of a psychological phenomena peculiar to married women in which I have unwittingly participated for the last 14 years. What an eye-opener! Ms. Heyn's theory that married women subconsciouly & automatically, "edit" their behavior from their prior, single lives in order to conform to the role of "the good wife" is demonstrated by the fascinating, often quirky examples provided by the women who were the subjects of her interviews. The author's personal and refreshingly expressive style is just great. The reader can almost hear Ms. Heyn's voice as she reasons her way through some of the most engaging subject matter recently presented in print. This is a serious book, not a piece of Self-Help How-To fluff. Ms. Heyn is no Martha Stewart, and some of what you read may take you aback, but I think that you will be unable to put this book down. Any thinking woman who doesn't see a little of herself and every married woman she knows in "Marriage Shock" is not looking hard enough

Rating:
Summary: Go Dalma! Go Dalma!
Review: Ms Heyn addresses a topic that is kept quite secret in our culture - how women make the transition to what they consider to be "Wives". Finally a book that addresses our own expectations and doesn't lay the blame totally on the patriarchy. This book was quite helpful to me in my first year of marriage, as well as many of my clients.

Rating:
Summary: An "AHA!" Moment!!!
Review: This book provided what eluded me for decades - what turns capable vibrant independent women into Barbies, into Stepford Wives. I stumbled across it in my mid-thirties, great job, great income, feeling strong about myself and my abilities in the wake of a difficult divorce - I had remarried - to someone diametrically opposed in every way to the first hubby - and WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? I'm cooking dinner every night, watering all his houseplants, clucking about dustballs and forgoing bike rides and gym visits and nights out with pals to stay in and WHAT? sew curtains???

It wasn't due to husband demands, nor did I have Donna Reed as a mom, - I needed an explanation as to why I was so hellbent on being The Wife - and this book provided an answer. Ms. Heyn's use of interviews and anecdote show how cultural influences permeat our lives, their power rivalling the more direct influences of family and spouse. The accompanying historical evidences were factual and interesting to read. I am amazed that this book has not gained more of a following, as its simple message can be a boon to those newly married, wondering Is this all there is? or What was I thinking?

Ms. Heyn has seen the enemy, and shows it to us in a way that allows us to beat it.

Rating:
Summary: Where are your Credentials Dalma?
Review: This is certainly an interesting book which tries to sell a single point, but too focused. (I'm an upper middle class married woman with kids in case your wondering) The theme is basically this "Now you are a wife, you feel like crap, and it is YOUR fault because you are subservient to "the witness". Things just aren't that simple I'm afraid. (not once were other cultures, ego,hollywood movies, competition, or capitalism mentioned or delved into) The author is a magazine editor/writer who thinks she has the answer to reduce the divorce rate in America! I ask...does a magazine editor have the credentials and educational background of a sociologist, psychologist, anthropologist? Would you read a book about saving your marriage if the author were a proctologist? I feel deep down D.H. is insulting the intellegence of the women she is trying to help. In a nutshell her theory for a better marriage is- shift your focus on cooking and cleaning and numerous other chores that need to be done-have some great sex, and find pleasure.(HMMM... find a pleasurable activity, what a concept!)) There are some good idea's in this book which are quotes from other known psychology types who have probably written good books. I feel the problem women face in America is the undermining of women by WOMEN, which is never addressed in any womans magazine, as well as their inability to read non fiction books and share what they know with other women. This undermining leaves woman in an archaeic institution all alone, adding fuel to an already burning disaster. There is a wonderful bibliography on pages 201-205.

Rating:
Summary: Where are your Credentials Dalma?
Review: This is certainly an interesting book which tries to sell a single point, but too focused. (I'm an upper middle class married woman with kids in case your wondering) The theme is basically this "Now you are a wife, you feel like crap, and it is YOUR fault because you are subservient to "the witness". Things just aren't that simple I'm afraid. (not once were other cultures, ego,hollywood movies, competition, or capitalism mentioned or delved into) The author is a magazine editor/writer who thinks she has the answer to reduce the divorce rate in America! I ask...does a magazine editor have the credentials and educational background of a sociologist, psychologist, anthropologist? Would you read a book about saving your marriage if the author were a proctologist? I feel deep down D.H. is insulting the intellegence of the women she is trying to help. In a nutshell her theory for a better marriage is- shift your focus on cooking and cleaning and numerous other chores that need to be done-have some great sex, and find pleasure.(HMMM... find a pleasurable activity, what a concept!)) There are some good idea's in this book which are quotes from other known psychology types who have probably written good books. I feel the problem women face in America is the undermining of women by WOMEN, which is never addressed in any womans magazine, as well as their inability to read non fiction books and share what they know with other women. This undermining leaves woman in an archaeic institution all alone, adding fuel to an already burning disaster. There is a wonderful bibliography on pages 201-205.

Rating:
Summary: Release and relief
Review: Why did no one tell me this before I married? Why isn't this taught in high schools across the nation?

I read Ms. Heyn's little volume in my first year of marriage and, thanks to her, stopped trying to warp and twist myself into The Wife and began to concentrate on being the woman my husband married. I have passed it on to many friends and suggest it to anyone I know who is contemplating matrimony.