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Summary: True Coming of Age: Putting Your Life Together
Review: In a time when traffic jams mean sitting in a car without moving three paces for over two hours, when angry drivers still honk although everyone else is just as late from work, hair appointments, power lunches, or some other important engagement, when the rush of life and business is often so sweltering that reality passes us by, our cultural and moral foundations become accustomed to the belief that the ultimate goal is material possession. Let's see who is richer, tougher, and more influential. Crime is on the rise. And while it's really great that the stock market is recovering and that the net revenues for Kraft Foods Inc. are up 4.6% in the second quarter, what if in all the materialism, we forget our purpose? What if we were too busy to find out what the purpose was in the first place?
Dr. John T. Chirban doesn't promise miracles. However, his credentials, his background in psychology and religion and his academic career, all vouch for success. As Harvard Medical School Instructor in Clinical Psychology and as Human Development Department Chair and Professor of Psychology at the Hellenic College, Dr. Chirban offers the reader the knowledge necessary for creating a beneficial synthesis between psychology and religion. His book, True Coming of Age: A Dynamic Process that Leads to Emotional Well-Being, Spiritual Growth, and Meaningful Relationships (McGraw-Hill, July 12, 2004; 007-1426817; $19.95) might not dissolve traffic jams in Los Angeles, but as the extremely detailed title promises, the book serves as a guide to attaining goals and understanding life from a perspective that is antithetical to our current lifestyle. The message to the reader is: sit back, relax, and learn something about yourself.
To find fulfillment, to find an internal guide for spiritual and psychological awakening, Dr. Chirban emphasizes two crucial characteristics: the True Self and Critical Connections. The True Self is actualized in the innate qualities of "spontaneity, reasoning, free will, creativity, spirituality, discernment, and love" and Critical Connections represent the dynamic relationship of self, others, and God. These complex concepts are broken down and explained as they surface chapter by chapter. And this is where True Coming of Age is different. While other self-help books employ a method that explains the obvious (i.e., the self is you, therefore you are in control), but ignore the complexities, Dr. Chirban's book clarifies the more philosophical terminologies used in referring to the human character. The book aids-not confuses-with regard to complex mechanisms and concepts that other writers use without clarification.
The format of the book follows the architecture of a journey; Dr. Chirban starts the reader off on a discovery of the True Self. The book breaks out of the conventional, somewhat single-minded objective of just explaining what is happening that "self-help" books often assume in order to provide the reader with guidance and a thorough understanding of what is necessary in order to mature emotionally and spiritually and to take control of one's life.
True Coming of Age has a step-by-step structure that clarifies each quality necessary for discovering the True Self. The book encourages the reader to:
1. Introspect and connect with qualities of the True Self.
2. Strengthen Critical Connections.
3. Determine our direction and purpose, which relate directly to identity, integrity, and strong moral character.
Dr. Chirban is not afraid to ask, "What is it that derails us from finding fulfillment-in spite of our efforts-even when we come from homes with parents who had the best intentions?" He explores this problem through examples and anecdotes, by reflecting on experiences.
Consider one of his examples: the case of Peter, the rebellious teenager whose criminal behavior was exasperating his parents. Peter was charged with assault and battery, and possession of illegal drugs by the time he turned eighteen. When asked what is not significant in his life, Peter answers that it is "religion, society, and family." When Dr. Chirban then asks Peter what is most important in his life, he answers, "Happiness, honesty and reaching." Dr. Chirban points out that despite good intentions, sometimes our life-support-that is our religion, society, and family-fails to protect us and guide us in the right direction.
"The very institutions designed to guide us toward fulfillment-toward happiness, honesty, and reaching for meaning-have deserted Peter; he sees them as nothing but hollow and insincere-not because these resources were not well intended but because they did not attune to Peter and enliven his True Self," Dr. Chirban explains.
True Coming of Age strips away the veneer that we tend to use to cover up, ignore, or avoid connecting with our True Self. The book helps deconstruct and reconstruct beliefs to examine personal values and history and understand the dynamics of the True Self. To give the reader a feel for the struggles one might encounter in the search for the True Self, Dr. Chirban presents stories about students, patients, and prisoners with whom he worked and world-famous figures whom he interviewed. These people were either troubled by the lack of meaning in their life or they engaged in finding the meaning of it.
Dr. Chirban's book has an "all-around" appeal; his case studies incorporate not only the stories of patients, but also similar stories from the red carpets of Hollywood, psychology, politics, religion, writing, and sports. His stories demonstrate that the same challenges are at play in the life of each and every individual who chooses to learn about his True Self. Among the celebrities featured in this book are Maya Angelou, Lucille Ball, Billy Bean, Tom Brokaw, Bette Davis, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, C. Everett Koop, Jay Leno, Sandra Day O'Connor, Mary Lue Retton, Diane Sawyer, B.F. Skinner, and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who share with Dr. Chirban their inner struggles and the relational conflicts they faced in their pursuit of success and search for fulfillment.
While you may know him as Forrest Gump, you can come to understand the motivation and struggles of Tom Hanks, the actor, for once discussing his life outside his Hollywood characters. Dr. Chirban makes this possible by sharing an interview in which Hanks talks about his childhood relationships and experiences and what led him to find his True Self. He gives Dr. Chirban a first-hand account of the turning point that led him to an acting career. Through this story, Dr. Chirban illustrates that while childhood neglect can trigger negative experiences, the pursuit of the True Self at any age can help embrace and posses life rather than be controlled by it.
But Dr. Chirban doesn't stop at childhood in his investigation of the multiple qualities of the True Self. He addresses the attractions and dangers of adult relationships, which can either damage or induce the discovery of the True Self. Dr. Chirban unpacks the levels and complexities of sexuality, love, and the role of infatuation in the pursuit of genuine intimacy. Not only does Dr. Chirban explain and distinguish between the various forms of love, but he also offers guidance by explaining that intimacy requires concrete acts that draw out our partner's True Self in order to experience a truly shared bond. Proposing that fulfillment is derived from the balance of physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of a relationships, he explains how relationships are sustained not only on the basis of the passion of the first encounter, but, more importantly, on the foundation-building traits of the True Self.
The chapter-by-chapter breakdown of the values necessary for companionship makes this book priceless to those determined to work through the bumps and glitches of a struggling relationship. Again, a warning label should be affixed: the book won't, by itself, patch up the holes in your relationship, but if handled with care, it will reveal the best methods for reconciling differences and learning about each other and the True Self. Dr. Chirban's approach to understanding relational/marital problems is not sugar-coated. Not all stories he reveals about dysfunctional relationships end with "let's kiss and make-up." As a matter of fact, one of the most unique qualities that anchor this book is its realistic perspective, which allows for failures, but admits that even these can lead to development in understanding the True Self.
While connections between two individuals are the most common connections we encounter in life, they are but one part of our network. True Coming of Age correlates the True Self with spirituality and the understanding of God as factors in our relationships, growth, and development. Critics look at books which feature spirituality with a suspicious eye because religious ideas can be controversial and unwelcome by different perspectives; experience dictates that often instead of offering solutions and forging bridges between differences based on common principles, religious ideas widen this gap. However, Dr. Chirban's book can't make war with its critics as Dr. Chirban chooses to address not the differences between religions, but how spirituality reaches out to people of diverse religious backgrounds to affirm universal truth, goodness, and love, which unite all people.
True Coming of Age does not proselytize or offer to replace one's present faith. The book emphasizes that all the great spiritual paths lead to universal values of truth, goodness, and virtue. With True Coming of Age, you can learn how to take hold of your life, not only to come of age, but also to experience life fully, without missing any of it.
You would have a hard time reading this book and not feeling empowered; this book engages you in being authentic and connecting to your True Self. True Coming of Age offers fulfillment that is within reach; it is a realistic plan for understanding a complex, philosophical issue that can change your life, but that often evades those who are too preoccupied with the rush of materialistic life. All in all, Dr. Chirban demonstrates that he knows what it takes to understand the purpose of life and he is most willing to share it with his readers.
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Summary: Find Fulfillment Here
Review: The famous Jesuit priest Anthony De Mello once asked a group to examine the feelings aroused within them as they contemplated a rose or a sunset. He then asked them to contrast this feeling with what was aroused within them by the praise and recognition of man. In True Coming of Age, Dr. John Chirban confronts his readers with much the same question-except now it's a challenge, and the answer is in the form of a path that opens wider and wider as one reads on. In this book he shows us how to live a skillful life meaningfully in the quest of a true measure of fulfillment. Having occasionally ceased to understand what happiness even means, through the combined factors of status anxiety and ego pursuits, Dr. Chirban's book returned me to a very centered place. I was able to re-understand-and become much more comfortable---with choosing an authentic life as my measure for satisfaction.
He teaches that personal growth cannot be "achieved" "defined" or "measured" in conventional ways, and he does so by deconstructing the bewildering distractions that keep us outside of our human center. Using examples from pop culture as well as his extensive training in theology and philosophy and psychology, Dr. Chirban's book is a recipe for reflection and understanding that will change your life if you let it.
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