Love Affairs: Marriage & Infidelity

Rating:
Summary: Great read on desire v. monogamy
Review: I've been reading a lot on the subject of desire v. monogamy and this books seems to have a good grasp on the subject. There are some excellent, almost shockingly *practical* viewpoints that the author advances on what drives people into tri-angular relationships. I think it was very telling of men/women in general, utilizing "when things go wrong" as a point to begin the analysis. I could also recommend "Monogamy" by Adam Phillips for a more agressive, non-committed point of view. Both very thought provoking...

Rating:
Summary: This book was the best I found on this subject.
Review: In my late twenties, I found my marriage falling apart and shortly thereafter I found myself in an intimate relationship with my best friend. My best friend was married and he decided to stay with his wife. I was hurt and devastated and was deeply searching for some help understanding what I had felt and how to comprehend everything that was going on. This book helped greatly. I recently recommended the book to a mother of a friend who's daughter is in a similiar position. I am now actively dating, with a better understanding of who I am and the confusing elements of relationships. Someday, when I do find Mr. Right, I'll be much better prepared to establish a relationship, using many of the tools I was able to develop by reading this book.

Rating:
Summary: Great read on desire v. monogamy
Review: In the beginning I had sympathized with Richard Taylor about the obstacles encountered by his first book, Having Love Affairs.

But now that I have finished his new book, Love Affairs, I now understand the feelings of people towards his first book...

First of all, it was a great book to start with. The first several chapters were good in the sense that they described the reality of a love affair - the pros and cons, and the reasons behind them. However, when he started to analyze, and inject his own "rules" into the situation, I then felt utter disgust for his work.

Richard Taylor advocates, in a way, love affairs because it is a by-product of normal human nature - because of an unfulfilled need in a marriage, because of a man's ego, and a woman's vanity. But then he condemns people when they react in a most natural way (human nature) as in, for example, entrapping a partner in the "act" as illustrated by Rule number 3 "Stay out of it." Whose side is he really on? Human nature or not?

He despises people when they react in an "animalistic" manner towards love affairs, but advocates it when they act on the basis of human nature - which is most certainly animalistic.

All in all, I could say that this is a work of an idealistic philospher, not a scientist, most specially a psychologist; who resorts to "out-of-this-world" contemplation regarding situations such as love affairs. But the problem is, this planet we live in, and the people in it are not "out-of-this-world." If he doesn't see fit things like this, then he should leave for another planet.

My suggestion to Mr. Taylor - keep your outworldy ideas to yourself. If you don't like people acting irrationaly, then don't be irrational yourself.

Rating:
Summary: Understanding for Prevention or as a Road to Healing
Review: Richard Taylor has written one of the most thought-provoking treaties on the causes of divorce I've ever read. His systematic approach to dealing with universal issues is only slightly discouraging in places because while he has done his research, he at times fails to see why his deeply held views could cause immense fear and rejection of an otherwise excellent guide to understanding why marriages thrive or fail. If you can read this book and navigate through Richard Taylor's opinions on whether people should or should not engage in various activities, then you will gain a new understanding of the deeper needs of male and female complexity.

After reading this book and a number of books on relationships, it seems there are two main factors contributing to the current divorce statistics. People are trying to survive emotionally and most of us lack a highly developed set of relationship skills. When we actually admit this, then perhaps we can fear knowledge less and allow the learning process of life to become a road to healing. I can see why the author says this book is feared and he states: "Problems are seldom solved by avoidance, and controversial issues are not resolved by declining to think and talk about them."

First, Richard Taylor defends his right to write this book and in the Preface of 1990, he defends the very right to have an opinion. In the Preface from 1997, he explains how this book is meant to be a contribution to human happiness and I can truly say there is information in this book which will either cause great unhappiness or happiness, depending on the advice you take, your own convictions and your own understanding of basic human needs in regards to finding satisfaction in relationship settings. You become solely responsible for the advice you take.

I've rarely read a book in which the needs of a husband and wife are so clearly defined and so logically addressed. Getting married just so you can have sex in a "socially and religiously" accepted fashion is not a good reason to get married. You should marry someone who has your best interest at heart, who encourages you and who completes you on many levels. The reason many people might fear this book is because it contains too much truth about the reality of many marriages. Why are people so unhappy after years and years of marriage, when things started well and they did feel romantic and loving? How does this euphoric high of first love turn into hatred, despair and even a jaded attitude towards the opposite sex?

Richard Taylor explores his vision of the true meaning of marriage and exposes misconceptions about why people seek affection. The reason most individuals seek another partner has a lot to do with a marriage already failing. It also has to do with the basic ways men and women are programmed. Throughout this book, you can read about people who experienced love in various ways. It is not erotica, but more a description of feelings and needs. Richard Taylor seems to alternate between his feelings about people being human and his knowledge about the destruction we are capable of promoting through our own search for love and acceptance. As a person, I think he is compassionate and understanding. As a philosopher and researcher, he is sending out very strong signals and warnings about the destructive actions he has researched. As he states: "Love affairs are dangerous and destructive, particularly for married people. They risk not only the deep injury of eventual rejection, but the destruction of homes and damage to children."

While Richard Taylor seeks to be neutral in some regards, his analysis cannot be considered to be completely scientific because he has definite views that would lean more towards a deep understanding of what actually happens versus the fantasy of Cinderella never cleaning floors again. If the rate of divorce is around 50 percent, Cinderella probably has been divorce and remarried by now and is accepting child support payments. They have yet to make that movie and currently she has just been left alone at the palace to plan parties. Does this indicate neglect and a third movie called Cinderella III: The Divorce? I'm imagining the outrage.

This book does contain a few "Fairy Tale" marriages, which show the resiliency of the human spirit. There are human beings who stay together just for the children or realize that passionate love is not going to last for an entire life and when passion fades, they maintain a deep friendship with their partner and continue to move in the same direction, while developing their own interests. While the author recognizes this as a thing of beauty and something to be envied, he questions how this situation can be anything more than a facade hiding a variety of unfulfilled human needs.

Highly recommended for psychologists and counselors who need to guide their clients through the emotional torture of divorce or even decisions not yet made. Even in his chapter on Divorce, he still hopes that human beings can come to reasonable agreements about the dissolution of a marriage and the care of children. Richard Taylor is an optimist who has a deep understanding of human needs and through reading this book, I could tell he has a heart filled with compassion. While God said: "Thou Shalt Not," Richard Taylor would be more likely to say: "Thou Shalt Improve They Relationships Skills or Lose thy Partner to One Who Knows How to Boost the Ego of Thy Partner or One Who Can Satisfy the Vanity of Thy Partner."

The only way this book could be dangerous is if it was read by someone who wanted to control another person for devious purposes. Otherwise, it contains much needed comment on the subject and has probably saved quite a few marriages. Apathy and a general lack of knowledge about human nature has been known to destroy love.

~TheRebeccaReview.com


Rating:
Summary: A disheartening but thought-provoking book.
Review: This book was written from a philosophical, non-moral standpoint and presents honest responses from spouses that were, for various reasons, dissilusioned with their marriages. Although this book is earth-shattering (it somewhat made me feel the pain that spouses feel when their husbands/wives cheat) it is crucial that this point of view was presented. It is brutally honest, but still honest. Taylor does testify that the marriage relationship is the best source of happiness in this world but that, sadly, many individuals in a marriage relationship take their spouse for granted. At the time I was reading the book, I felt miffed because there wasn't, in my mind, much pro-marriage advice being given. After pondering the contents of this book for many months, I am now convinced that nothing could be more pro-marriage than illustrating how fragile the marriage relationship can become once the spouses fail to meet each others most important emotional needs. Although I don't advocate that anyone just throw up their hands and resort to having affairs, the only way to truly prevent extra-marital affairs is to understand why they happen. Both men and women can learn from this book that if you don't concentrate on your spouse, someone else will and your spouse will, naturally, be flattered. I am getting married in three weeks and nothing has given me more of a sense of urgency then this book. It has alerted me to the realites of human nature and has, I hope, made me less blind. If you are disgusted during and after reading this book, then the author has successfully done his job. The book's primary purpose, in my mind, is to wake us up to reality.

Maybe this book will illustrate how important it is to love, understand and appreciate your spouse. If you find it difficult to love, understand and appreciate your spouse, you'll discover that you have the minority opinion as competition will naturally come knocking.