Making Your Second Marriage a First-Class Success

Rating:
Summary: Excellent suggestions from experts who have been there.
Review: Despite alarming divorce rates, marriage is as popular as it had ever been judging by the fact that almost everyone who can get married does it at least once in their lives and twice or more if they can. However, "practice makes perfect" doesn't usually apply to remarriage. Unless one learns how to be intimate, how do deal with negotiating relationships, how to be sure that your mate gets what they need while you get what you want, a second marriage might add up to an even greater disappointment than the first effort. However, if you read and absorb the salient theories and practices contained in the Moseley's MAKING YOUR SECOND MARRIAGE A FIRST CLASS SUCCESS you have much better than a fighting chance to create the kind of relationship that you've always wanted. What makes this book unusual, besides the sound theories and methods that are clearly and concisely presented, are the excellent case studies with which the reader can identify with and learn from. The Moseley's include their own struggles and successes in their second marriages. Their observations and methods are validated through their own experiences and the results of the extensive workshops they provide for those who want to establish and maintain high guality relationships. I'll be referring some of my marital and family clients to this four star volume. If you're having trouble in your second marriage, or want to avoid them, read the book and find a third party to help you to implement the highly effective program the Moseleys have developed. Better yet, attend one of their workshops.

Rating:
Summary: Divorcee in Harrisburg, PA
Review: I generally don't review a book when I'm only halfway through reading it. However, for "Making Your Second Marriage a First-Class Success," I'm more than willing to make an exception. The Moseleys draw on their own experiences, and examples witnessed in their counseling practice, to lay out some seemingly simple but actually profound advice in matters of communication. I have read some bits of this book aloud to my fiance, and he has asked to read the entire book when I am finished. I am confident that this book will help us in our marriage (a second for each of us) ... and I intend to share the book with friends.

Rating:
Summary: upbeat - and misses four key points
Review: I have specialized in providing professional education and therapy to divorced, courting, and re/wedded couples since 1981. I am 66, have been a stepgrandson, stepson, and ex-stepfather and stepbrother, and am an invited Board member of the Stepfamily Association of America, a contributing editor to 'Your Stepfamily Online,' and the author of six books on personal growth and high-nurturance relationships and stepfamilies.

I recommend "Making Your Second Marriage..." to courting partners who want a readable introduction to important surface issues in re/marriage. The "/" notes it may be one partner's first union. I do NOT recommend this book to any partner, student, or family professional seeking to understand and avoid the core causes of re/divorce - specially when prior kids are involved.

Like most lay and professional authors in this genre, Doug and Naomi Moseley miss four core hazards that (I believe) every re/married partner needs to know:

1) why and how to assess and reduce co-parents' psychological wounds from a low-nurturance childhood (vs. divorce);

2) the origin and impacts of blocked grief in adults and kids, and how to spot and reduce it;

3) co-parent unawareness of five key topics: (a) normal personality formation, composition, and function; (b) keys to high-nurturance families and relationships, (c) effective communication skills, (d) healthy 3-level grief, and for some, (e) stepfamily realities and norms and implications. and...

4) little effective re/marital and co-parenting help (i.e. courtship coaching, classes, informed counseling, co-parent support groups) available in most communities and the media.

In my experience, these factors will usually block the best-intentioned adults from following well-meant re/marital advice, as in the Moseleys' book. If ignored, the factors inexorably promote choosing the wrong people to re/wed, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time - and subsequent stresses and re/divorce. Awareness, acceptance, and discussion of these (and related) factors can reduce three of these stressors, and help to achieve high-nurturance stepfamilies.

For more perspective on this review, see:

http://sfhelp.org/11/choose_bks.htm

Rating:
Summary: upbeat - and misses key points
Review: I have studied divorced-family and stepfamily relationships professionally since 1979, and have specialized in providing (over 17,000 hours of) therapy to well over 500 divorced and stepfamily (re/married) couples since 1981. I've studied and taught effective communication skills for over 35 years, and worked to recover from childhood trauma for 17 years. I've been re/married and re/divorced, serve on the Board of the Stepfamily Association of America, and have written six books on family relationships - including two on courtship and remarriage. The "/" notes that it may be one partner's first union.

In structure and content, the Mosely's book has a number of things to recommend it - partly because they are veteran therapists, and effective writers. However, I believe their book omits some vital information, which greatly reduces its practical value. It IS helpful - as far as it goes.

The authors rightly encourage mutual commitment, responsibility, and "self awareness" - yet they don't explain why millions of Americans cannot follow that good advice (psychological wounds, blocked grief, and unawareness). They emphasize the value of being aware of *feelings* over discerning primary (vs. surface) needs, and who's responsible for filling them. They omit or minimize:

1) the five core hazards that all US stepfamily couples face;

2) the need for all family co-parents to asses for psychological wounds from childhood, and (3) how to heal them;

4) basics in human communication, three-level grief, and effective relationships that most re/marrying couples don't know they don't know;

5) how to make three informed, wise courtship choices - specially if existing kids are involved;

6) the necessity of accepting your stepfamily identity and learning what it *means*, to guard against unrealistic or toxic marital and parenting expectations;

7) a summary of the ~60 normal and special needs that typical stepkids have, and (8) practical ideas on overcoming up to nine barriers to forming a nurturing team that includes living ex mates ("the other parent").

In short, "...First-Class Success" is heartfelt, somewhat useful, and superficial. Like many stepfamily authors, the Moseleys stop short of digging down below the surface to confront *why* most couples will agree on their advice - and be unable to follow it.

For more perspective, see my nonprofit educational Web site at http://www.sfhelp.org. There, "Project 8" (of 12) focuses on keys to succesful re/marriage. My books on the Moseley's topic are "Stepfamily Courtship - make Three Right Re/marital Choices;" and "The Remarriage Book - Master Common Stressors Together" Both are published by Xlibris Corp., Philadelphia, PA (2002)

Rating:
Summary: finally, what it takes to make marriage work
Review: If you are really serious about doing what it takes to create a marriage that is vital, juicy and can grow as you do, then this book will give you a guide. The Moselely's do not gloss over the very real challenges of relationship, and the commitment it takes to 'grow up' together. The book is easily read, non-technical, yet covers the essential issues that couples face. I thought it surely was written precisely about me! It is particularly helpful in learning how to get into feelings in a way that builds intimacy and dissolves resentments. The nitty-gritty difficulties of money and blended families are well-covered, and the often overlooked importance of each person having a strong relationship with their own self is emphasized, along with a road map to get there. The Moseley's really know what they are talking about, and you will get concrete help from reading this book.

Rating:
Summary: Reach a new level of understanding
Review: This book is full of insights on what makes a relationship tick and keep ticking. My wife and I have been trying to develop our relationship, and I just wasn't understanding her language. I now have a better understanding of that language and what she was missing. I had my Alec Guinness-What-have-I-done moment and suddenly understood what she needed from me. (She has been telling me for years, but I wasn't understanding her). She has seen a transformation in me and it's my turn to demonstrate staying power.

The book also explores some of the tendencies that women have in relationships. Some of the other reviews here give me encouragement that we will benefit from her reading it too.

Buy this book if: 1. You sense/feel/think that you and your spouse are speaking different languages or have a completely different way of thinking, and 2. you want to understand this way of thinking from the other's perspective. I see no reason that this book wouldn't apply to first marriages too.

It has a few exercises that couples can do, but mostly you will gain insight and understand better some behaviors.

The best part of the book to me was the first half, which tended to deal with big picture issues. The parts that explore specific issues around finances and step-parenting are ok, but didn't really resonate for me. They were really variations on the main theme.

To me, this book has given me greater understanding and probably saved many counseling sessions. It truly was a shortcut to better understanding.

Rating:
Summary: This book is gold
Review: With incredible clarity, uncompromising truth, and rare and refreshing wisdom, the Moseleys have written a life-changing book that will help couples create profoundly intimate relationships.As managing editor of Marriage magazine, I research over 2,000 relationship books and resources each year, to bring readers 65 articles. This book (along with the Moseley¹s previous book, Dancing in the Dark: The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships) is on my "Top Ten All-Time-Favorite" book list. It's a must in your personal library if you desire a thriving relationship. While the publisher decided to orient this book to second marriages, I think the majority of information could be used for first marriages and any committed relationship.Rarely are we given such knowledge and wisdom packaged so accessibly, so if you only have time for one relationship book this year‹this is it. If you really want to soar relationally, and in your own life, then consider taking their workshops. I¹ve been profoundly, and permanently, changed by their wisdom and expertise.