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Rating: 
Summary: Disappointed
Review: After reading The Dance of Anger, I was charged with energy to change patterns in relationships that I had fallen into. I thought this book would have a similar effect, because I know that I hide things that seem too painful to discuss. However, I couldn't get into it because it seemed more of a political agenda than a guide to improving relationships. What on earth does the author's stance on abortions (very pro-choice) have to do with deception in personal relationships? I haven't gotten much constructive self-knowledge out of this book.
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Summary: A rhumba of rationalization
Review: Full disclosure: I'm a guy, and I read this book at a time when, in my early 20's, I was trying to understand, and come to grips with, my perception that several of my relationships with women (some strictly platonic, some not) were crippled by a certain lack of honesty. So feel free to discount my reaction to this book by whatever degree you feel appropriate, based on the perspective I brought to it. That said, I was disappointed and frustrated by what I found to be Lerner's somewhat shallow and defensive treatment of the topic. I'm oversimplifying a bit, but Lerner's basic philosophy, as presented in the book, seems to be: Dishonesty is often a good thing because not sharing hurtful truths can help you avoid hurting someone's feelings. E.g., not telling a friend that you think certain behavior patterns are harmful or unpleasant serves the "greater truth" that you nevertheless care about her and think she's a good person. Therefore, Lerner suggests, women who deceive the other people in their lives often aren't "really" lying, they're just being kind. Lerner doesn't really confront the ultimately circular nature of this argument. Nor does she provide any reasoned way of distinguishing between innocuous applications of this "if you mean well, it isn't really a lie" approach and more problematic ones. Telling a friend that you really like her disastrous new haircut, about which she's feeling self-conscious and vulnerable, is one thing. Not telling her that you've been deliberately excluding her from certain social situations because your other friends find her manipulative or overly critical is something else entirely. Nor does Lerner, IMHO, deal meaninfully with the question of whether deception that we rationalize on the grounds that it protects a friend from unpleasantness is not often, in reality, an attempt to protect ourselves from the emotional messiness of communicating hard truths. These aren't easy issues, and I don't claim to know the "truth", or even that there is a single correct approach to dealing with them. But I was disappointed by Lerner's failure to grapple honestly with them.
Rating: 
Summary: Clarity and Courage
Review: Harriet Lerner has long been writing books that are both insightful and accessible. In 'The Dance of Deception' she has achieved something miraculous: she has written a book that can help you reconnect with estranged family members and friends, improve your rapport with your children, no matter their age, and, perhaps most importantly, help alleviate the pain that deception has caused you in your own life. I have suffered greatly because of family secrets and have also struggled recently to communicate with my loved ones about painful topics. This book has served as an indispensable guide through these difficult processes and has helped me emerge a stronger, happier person. I am greatly indebted to Harriet Lerner. And I firmly believe the world is a better place for having her in it!!
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Summary: How to get courage!
Review: I couldn't stop reading this book. It gave me the courage to speak out to my family about a lot of difficult issues and to do it in a way that really worked. I love the author's honesty and how clear she is about very complicated questions of speaking out or being silent.
Rating:
Summary: Terrific book
Review: I think this is Harriet Lerner's best book. I has the clearest and most helpful chapter on family secrets that I've ever read. The chapter called "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Orifice" is worth the price of the book. The chapter on affairs, even though controversial, should be helpful to all couples, especially if you think your partner will never cheat on you.
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Summary: Necessary reading for everyone, not just women
Review: Though this book is not new, I just discovered it. Having read it, I now take a different perspective on how 'honest' I am, and how I can approach more honesty - in healthy ways - in all of my relationships. I am not the typical image of 'feminism', in the negative ways the word has come to represent, but I do know that being a woman is an experience to be conscious of. Though it has a heavy feminist bent, one of the best things about this book is that it addresses more than just women's concerns. It tackles the many ways that we all deceive ourselves, and those we come into contact with. It addresses the issues of secrecy within families, 'faking' orgasm, playing out the scripts that we are given for life, and the important distinction between pretending and lying. I appreciated the suggestions about laying groundwork with others before approaching hard truths, and the concept of 'trying on' a different behavior in order to find out where our truths really are. As a fair assessment, I would say that it takes a while to get into the style or format of the book. It's not laid out in sequential order, so it took a few chapters to get totally engrossed. But the case studies, and her responses, rang true so many times, that I got to the point of almost being late for work because I couldn't put it down. I am married and work in a small non-profit with 3 men. I've shared several of my discoveries from the book with them, and had meaningful discussions with all. My ED even photocopied a few pages to share with his wife - another testimony to the concepts presented. You do need to be ready to read the book with an open attitude toward your own behaviors and ways of dealing with others. It's not always easy to admit to things we do, but don't want to claim. I would recommend this to anyone trying to sort out the best path to a whole, healthy, happy life.
Rating: 
Summary: A little circular, yes. But somewhat helpful.
Review: Wow. I consider myself to be a truthful, honest person. I hate liars and hypocrites more than I hate anything else in the world. So I had to take a really deep breath and really THINK when I finally woke up to the idea that truth and honesty are not always what they should be. I took a good, long, ugly look at myself and realized that I use truth as a weapon, rather than as a tool. I am not always honest with people because I want to create a better relationship. I am sometimes honest just to be hurtful, to shock people, or to get attention away from whoever is monopolizing the conversation at the moment. Hm. Ugly! The problematic relationship (s) in my life are like cans. I can pick up a big ol' truth-sledgehammer and knock the heck out of that can, or I can use truth gently, like a can opener and let that can open up and get to what's inside. One option gives me the satisfaction of 'letting so and so have it' because I'm darn tired of biting my tongue and pretending that things are OK when they're NOT. And the other option lets me be honest, but gives the other person (the can) the chance of telling truth back to me, too. The feminist rhetoric falls short, as it always does with me. If you don't want to hang out in the kitchen and pop out babies, for heaven's sake, DON'T. But don't blame men if that's what you decide to do with your life and then change your mind later. Don't you think men change their minds about wanting to be married daddies sometimes, too? There is too much blaming going on. People need to own their lives. If you know your situation is messed up, you know enough to change it. Also, the whole thing about minorities and tokens rings very false when Lerner presents the statistic in her final chapter that women actually outnumber men in the world. So, hello? How can we consider to whine and consider ourselves a token or a minority when we are numerically superior? I don't really get that at all. Anyway. 4 stars. It's an eye-opener!
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