You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program

Rating:
Summary: Somewhat helpful, but useless for recovery
Review: I agree with the reviewer who says that Elgin oversimplifies. It just isn't that easy. The "Jerry" in her examples seems positively malicious to me, no matter how much Elgin insists that he really loves his wife. With love like that, I'd hate to see loathing! The answer to systematic verbal abuse of this kind--constant erosion of another person's self-esteem by belittling and criticizing, and not only in private but in front of others--is intensive counseling, not mastery of slick responses to throw the attacker off guard. I have a hard time imagining Jerry, as Elgin portrays him, falling for any of these devices and backing off. And I know that men like Jerry exist, because I am presently in the process of divorcing one. If they are determined to hurt you, and to blame you for their failures, they will find a way.

On the other hand, the book is excellent when it comes to helping you communicate more effectively with people with whom you aren't intimate and have less emotional capital invested. You may catch yourself falling into the kind of verbal cadences, sarcasm, brown-nosing, and so on, that Elgin describes. I found good info on how to reprimand my children too, without blowing up and verbally beating them into the ground...

Rating:
Summary: Very Helpful
Review: I disagree with those who say these techniques wouldn't work with 'real' verbal abuse, or with people who really want to hurt you. I found that using these techniques is like holding up a shield - verbal abuse doesn't 'reach' me. The effect is that the abuser seems to be fighting alone, and I am able to keep my cool until he gives up on his attempt to victimize me. I stay in control of the situation - I am not dragged into a fight or emotionally upset. No, perhaps this book won't help you change your abuser - but it will give you a shield to protect yourself with. I'm not sure anything could change an abuser who doesn't want to change - but this book helps you foil their attempts tp abuse YOU.

Rating:
Summary: Very Helpful
Review: I disagree with those who say these techniques wouldn't work with 'real' verbal abuse, or with people who really want to hurt you. I found that using these techniques is like holding up a shield - verbal abuse doesn't 'reach' me. The effect is that the abuser seems to be fighting alone, and I am able to keep my cool until he gives up on his attempt to victimize me. I stay in control of the situation - I am not dragged into a fight or emotionally upset. No, perhaps this book won't help you change your abuser - but it will give you a shield to protect yourself with. I'm not sure anything could change an abuser who doesn't want to change - but this book helps you foil their attempts tp abuse YOU.

Rating:
Summary: To review this book you need to read it.
Review: I highly recommend this book as an introduction to dealing with verbal abuse. I've found it helpful in two ways 1) I've become more aware of the hidden verbal attacks in common English phrases and have stopped using them myself. This has resulted in my having better relationships with people. 2) I've learned some win/win methods of responding to verbal abuse. This frequently stops the abuse while maintaining good relations with the abuser.

I found the techniques especially helpful when I was teaching a high school class. A student would verbally attack me or another student. I would respond with a verbal self-defense technique from the book. The student couldn't believe the attack didn't work (I wasn't enticed into a fight.) and would try the same attack again. After the second attempt, the student realized the attack wasn't going to work and stopped.

(Note: Verbal self-defense is for dealing with sane people. An insane person, a sadist or criminal who enjoys harming people, should be referred to a professional.)

Rating:
Summary: Elgin vs Evans
Review: If you want to read a book about verbal abuse that is empowering and teaches linguistic techniques and behaviors to blunt and reduce verbal abuse aimed at you, read this book, and any of the other Elgin books.

If you want a book that absolves you of any responsibility, and more importantly, strips any feelings of power you have, then read the books by Patricia Evans. Evans helps focus on no blame, no power.

Elgin teaches you about your own ability to help yourself.

Rating:
Summary: Extremely Useful Resource
Review: The author's recommendation for responding to verbal abuse from a spouse or significant other amounts to "cleverly change the subject, and all will be well". That might work with small children, but it doesn't work with abusive spouses. The author's prescription reflects a breathtaking lack of appreciation for what the victims of verbal abuse are subjected to, day in and day out, often for many hours at a time and with no meaningful way to escape, and is quite reminiscent of 'just say no' as a cure for drug addiction. I think that a good deal of the problem comes from the lack of a clear distinction between abuse and occasional crankiness. The author's word games may offer a polite way of deflecting the latter, but as to the former they are a surefire prescription for continuing to be abused. I don't know what the solution is, but you won't find it in this book.

Rating:
Summary: Useful and concrete advice
Review: This book explains that people who are targets of verbal abuse aren't helpless, and provides them with strategies for verbal self-defense. The approach is not "blaming" the targeted individuals -- it's empowering them. Elgin has never suggested, either in print or aloud, that verbal abuse victims are responsible for the hostile language environments that make their lives miserable, but she has told them how to take control and cure their environments. This book teaches that at a level written to those who need it most.

Rating:
Summary: Taking Back Control
Review: This book saved my marriage!!! Please forgive the drama, but without this book, I sincerely believe my marriage would be over now. This book, and Genderspeak, also by Elgin, provide everyone with the tools to take control of an always obnoxious and sometimes dangerous situation that exists in many relationships, verbal abuse. Elgin gives power to both parties involved. The abused learns to handle the angry words coming at them in a calm, effective manner. The abuser learns to look at his/her behavior from his partner's point of view.

One of your reviews calls this "blaming the victim." I disagree!! Elgin provides tools to deal with verbal abuse, in contrast to others (Evans included) who conclude by advising that the relationship terminate, since there is generally no good way to handle the situation. Elgin's approach is empowering to both parties, her message is "You are NOT helpless and you do NOT have to run away from this!"

Rating:
Summary: Don't buy this book!
Review: What a waste! I agree with the other reviewers. This book might be of some (limited) benefit in dealing with verbal jabs from people with whom you have limited contact or limited emotional investment. But, her assertion that these techniques will defuse all but the most egregious verbal abusers is so absurd that it makes me wonder if she's ever been in the same room with one. Don't waste your time or money. A MUCH BETTER option would be Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Evans addresses the problem, from why it happens to how to recognize it to what you can and can not do about it. Elgin tries to create a Pollyanna world where the abuser will respond logically and like a "sane" human being. If that were the case, you wouldn't be considering this book in the first place.

Rating:
Summary: When You Read This Book CAREFULLY
Review: When you read this book carefully, you learn that what this book is really about is how to understand why your communication may be going very wrong - despite your best intentions.

If you are being hurt by what you feel are words spoken thoughtlessly, this book is for you. If you want to walk out the door of your home in the morning knowing you have more energy to face the world because you did not have to waste your strength is a fruitless family squabble, this book is for you. If you've always wanted to express yourself and your ideas more clearly and have them be received in the way you intend them, this book is definitely for you.

Because what is book is really about is learning precise, yet loving-kind language. This book is about communicating very well without hurting anybody.

On page 13, the author of this book, Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. in Linguistics, shares a remarkable insight. She writes: "Chronic communication breakdown happens when we don't realize the source of a problem is language and we take it for granted that the problem is caused by a _person_."

If language precedes violence (and research shows that it does), it makes such good sense to be able to learn and speak the language and never have to worry about the violence. As a parent, journalist, and teacher for over 30 years, I needed this book. It helped me immensely at home and in my work. I highly recommend it.