Should You Leave?

Rating:
Summary: Worth your time...
Review: "Should You Leave" is Peter Kramer's contribution to the "Self-Help
and Relationships" genre. There is cleverness working on several
levels as he goes from one anecdotal narrative to the next as so many
other books written by psychologists have done. But Kramer's goal is
not to give advice, it's to make the reader stop and think about what
advice is in the first place. He also builds on the themes he first
developed in "Listening To Prozac" and goes into the problem of how
undiagnosed depression can poison relationships and bring people to
the edge of divorce. The only real criticism you can level at this
book is that it was written because of the success of "Listening To
Prozac" and doesn't really have a strong reason to exist, other than
to provide Kramer with the opportunity to meander though several
themes for no other reason then that they are of interest to him as a
therapist. In the end he pulls off the rather clever trick of writing
a "Psychological Advice Book" that's a treatise on the nature of
psychology and of advice, but no real advice is provided, just a lot of
shrewd observations and food for thought. Do you think that's just a
little too clever? If so then you can skip this book, but if you're
still interested, good for you because you're in for a treat. This
book has better and more insightful psychological writing then you're
likely to find in any other dozen books on the subject. I have no
trouble recommending it.

Rating:
Summary: Good Book, But not an Easy Read
Review: I listened to the audiobook, and frankly I had to re-wind a few times to understand what Dr. Kramer was saying. It was almost like having an insider's view of what psychiatrists think, the thought processes they go through when deciding what techniques to use with patients. This book takes patience, but if you have the patience to re-wind or re-read, it is highly worth it. It was interesting to hear him talk about directive vs. non-directive approaches to therapy and when each is most applicable. I would have liked to see him include more examples of couples with children having problems. It seemed like a lot of his examples included childless couples. Also, a lot of his examples included those high on the socio-economic scale, which may turn off Johnny Lunchbox and Susie Middleclass.

I wish he would have included more about Rogerian therapy, and it's non-directive nature. I also would have found some more references to religion interesting. All in all...it was a good book. A lot of thought went into the work, and I can certainly tell Dr. Kramer majored in English in college. Perhaps he would be better at writing fiction..just a thought.

Jeffrey McAndrew
author of "Our Brown-Eyed Boy"

Rating:
Summary: Good Book, But not an Easy Read
Review: I listened to the audiobook, and frankly I had to re-wind a few times to understand what Dr. Kramer was saying. It was almost like having an insider's view of what psychiatrists think, the thought processes they go through when deciding what techniques to use with patients. This book takes patience, but if you have the patience to re-wind or re-read, it is highly worth it. It was interesting to hear him talk about directive vs. non-directive approaches to therapy and when each is most applicable. I would have liked to see him include more examples of couples with children having problems. It seemed like a lot of his examples included childless couples. Also, a lot of his examples included those high on the socio-economic scale, which may turn off Johnny Lunchbox and Susie Middleclass.

I wish he would have included more about Rogerian therapy, and it's non-directive nature. I also would have found some more references to religion interesting. All in all...it was a good book. A lot of thought went into the work, and I can certainly tell Dr. Kramer majored in English in college. Perhaps he would be better at writing fiction..just a thought.

Jeffrey McAndrew
author of "Our Brown-Eyed Boy"

Rating:
Summary: Highest recommendations!
Review: Kramer's book title can be misleading at times. He gives an overview of very different relationship problems without the additional complication of children involved. He focuses on solutions within the partnership on the grounds that unsolved problems get carried over into the new relationship, and if it should not work out, essential relationship skills will have been acquired. He illustrates his cases with plenty of psychological history from Freud to Bowen including film, music and historical novels. While at times a bit tough to read, Kramer does break up the theories with practical applications. He provides explicit insight into the thought pattern of the psychiatrist and the professional- to- patient relationship. Kramer provides a very balanced approach of using drugs in therapy compared to cognitive approaches (he is the author of Listening to Prozac) which is quite refreshing. Don't expect a pre-digested self-help book with step- by- step instructions but an overall food for thought pattern that will keep your thoughts flowing until you can figure out the most helpful approach for yourself together with a psychiatrist like Kramer who knows that you need advice and guidance more than a yearlong travel back into your childhood. This is the absolute best book I have ever read about analysis, the reasons of heading into it, the dynamics of professional vs. patient relationship and the bigger picture of "where are we going in this relationship". A definite must for everyone in therapy, client or professional.

Rating:
Summary: Deep, intelligent, funny, useful, challenging, unusual, ...
Review: This is a very excellent book because it demonstrates that no therapist or self-help book can tell you what to do because no such book can understand your history or the context of your current problems. Kramer underlines the point that there is really no standard of "emotional health" or anything like it that can really determine whether a relationship is worth continuing or not, and that is a message the reading public needs to hear. A sensitive, subtle, interesting book.

Rating:
Summary: Deep, intelligent, funny, useful, challenging, unusual, ...
Review: With Beck's Love is Never Enough, it is by far the best book I have read on couples. With so many self-help books centered on finding fault in the other, this one brings a rarer and more usefully challenging perspective. I found it worth reading every year.

Some of the most striking points made by Kramer in this book:
- a promising relationship is one in which, when you change enough, a reciprocal response occurs.
- you need to grow in willingness to be slightly taken advantage of
- you want change ? then stay this time !
- if you want change, change yourself first
- to be committed is to be able to find the bills a mess (or anything else that drives you crazy) and be perfectly fine.
- if you chose somebody with about the same level of differenciation/maturity as you, then you are at the right place
- if you are with somebody easy enough to love and not frankly abusive, you should stay
- learn not to tolerate, but to actually love what you now disdain in your partner (stop being vicious about the unclosed soda cap bottle and learn to find it charming)
- you say your couple or partner do not feel right. Don't you have a problem with your work instead ?
- hidden depression in one or the other partner is the cause of half of the couple problems and breakups. A partner suddently finding all sorts of flaws in the other is a strong hint of depression.
- insist ! Not on leaving, but on staying and having it your way.
- beware of negative projective identification: you unconsciously force the other to behave in ways you fear.
- maturity consists in a large part in resisting to (and resisting the use of) projective identification
- use the current relationship as a greenhouse to develop your relationship skills.
- ethics do matter.
- men are from Illinois and women are from Indiana. They are different, but not in especially confusing ways.
- relationships are exactly like skiing: it does not work as long as you are in the back seat.