Fatherloss

Rating:
Summary: Here's my title -- BUY THIS BOOK!
Review: First, I am pleased to see the 5-star reviews dominating the customer reviews. I finished reading FatherLoss about three weeks ago, but I had to wait to write this review because something was going on as a result. Since reading FatherLoss, I have had talks with my wife and my mother and sister that I never thought I could have. And my brother, who I never talked to about such things, opened up to me for the first time in 36 years. We lost my father suddenly in 1965 -- at a very young age for all of us. I truly wish now that I had this book back then, even at a young age. How helpful it would have been for my mother, to give her guidance, to read to us for reassurance and understanding of our emotions. So many things I thought were wrong about me turned out to be "normal." Thank Mr. Chethik for making his book available now. For all persons who have suffered loss, or who know somebody who has -- get this book; get it for a friend, a spouse, any relative. All aspects, all ages, all problems, all relationships can be found in FatherLoss as it relates to a son's loss of his father and all consequences for all persons associated with the suffering son. It is for women in love with such sons, for their sisters and mothers -- and for the son himself. I have seen Mr. Chethik present a reading and discussion at the Unitarian Church of Evanston. Beyond the hard work and thoughtfulness of his book, Neil Chethik is a kind man. For all he has done for me because of the words in the pages of his book, and for countless others, we should all thank him, and wish him great success -- I have no doubt, Mr. Chethik, that your son looks at you and thinks, "My father -- he's MY father." Thank you and congratulations.

Rating:
Summary: how men grieve
Review: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads.

FATHER-LOSS is, primarily, based on a survey conducted by a university research center with in-depth interviews. That being said, Neil Chethik's book is far from a dry statistical research paper, nor is it a soaring "mytho/poetic" effort, & it certainly isn't "warm & fuzzy" either!

Since the dawn of the Feminist Movement, we've all learnt how women grieve, assuming, incorrectly, that men "should" do it the same way. Well, vive la difference - they don't! As my husband's father came home to die, I have been at his side & learnt a good deal about how a son grieves for his father.

From the Introduction: "When a father dies, we often see the sons performing their "manly" duties: arranging the funeral, delivering the eulogy, comforting fellow family members. Then we imagine these sons going back to their homes, back to their jobs, back, unchanged, to the lives they'd lived before. It's rarely so..."

The first part is about the impact of losing one's father, focusing on the variations of men's reactions to the death of their fathers.

The second part, Rebounding from Father-Loss, focuses on the ways in which sons have adapted to the absence of their fathers.

In part three, Lessons of Father-Loss, Neil Chethik shares what he has learnt about being a father, based on the researching & writing of this book.

Neil Chethik's FATHER-LOSS is a moving & informative read for everyone in the family, about a deeply felt event in our lives. The loss of our father.

Rating:
Summary: Fatherloss gently comforts, illuminates and instructs
Review: I am one of the four per cent of American sons who have experienced the death of their fathers before the age of eighteen. More than any other occurence in my life, that single event informs me of who I am, what I represent and how I hope to live my life. My bereavement has now lasted some forty years, and, at times, my grief is so freshly-minted it is as if Joe, my father, died just yesterday. Despite the enormous love I held for him, despite the knowledge that he reciprocated that love, I am still in mourning. As an adult and the father of two extraordinary sons myself, I yearn for a sense of peace, for a farewell to Joe, so that I may live the remainder of my life not suffused with the pain of loss.

A friend who has experienced torment over fatherloss encouraged me to read Neil Chethik's "Fatherloss." Knowing the depth of my despair, my friend sensed that reading "Fatherloss" could become a transforming experience. It was.

"Fatherloss" is a detailed study of the impact of a father's death on sons. It comforts, illuminates and instructs. Chethik interweaves anecdotal responses of bereaved sons with his own life-affirming observations and commentaries. His volume gently tears down walls of silence and suffering; it is not only profoundly moving, it is liberating in the understandings it presents to its readers. As Chethik maps the differing responses of sons to father death through the variables of age, prior relationship and impact, he sheds light on the dilemmas and pain sons face as they attempt to mourn, assess loss and rejoin the living.

I now realize that I am far from alone in my reaction to my father's death. Like many sons whose fathers' premature death shattered their lives, I never said goodbye to Joe. Never told him how much I loved him. Never gave him a final kiss. Never thanked him. And the resultant guilt and false sense of responsibility for his death caused my adolescence to be a period of unceasing loneliness and emotional isolation. I disintegrated, despite the outward appearance of success and attainment.

Chethik postulates that instead of words and tears (traditionally associated with female mourning practices), men often act. We make or create legacies. My headlong descent into a life of achievement and altruistic service, my feelings of never quite being able to live up to Joe's gigantic presence, my rejection of praise and any other compliment that would permit me to feel good about my life -- all these behaviors, in Chethik's wise hands, make sense and fit into a larger mosaic of how men respond to loss.

Not every page of "Fatherloss" will be crucial to every reader; after all, it was difficult for me to identify with sons who had no relationship with their father or sixty-year-olds who had ample time to prepare for the demise of their father. Thus, some passages of this volume may appear to border on the irrelevant to a number of readers. Yet, "Fatherloss" provides solace, guidance and hope as nothing else I have read in my life has. There are paragraphs in this remarkable volume which will graft themselves on sons' hearts, where their impact will engender a sense of hope, a sanctification of memory and a capacity to relinquish grief. The sheer principled beauty of "Fatherloss" is its affirmation of life through the passageway of grief.

Rating:
Summary: Fatherloss gently comforts, illuminates and instructs
Review: I am one of the four per cent of American sons who have experienced the death of their fathers before the age of eighteen. More than any other occurence in my life, that single event informs me of who I am, what I represent and how I hope to live my life. My bereavement has now lasted some forty years, and, at times, my grief is so freshly-minted it is as if Joe, my father, died just yesterday. Despite the enormous love I held for him, despite the knowledge that he reciprocated that love, I am still in mourning. As an adult and the father of two extraordinary sons myself, I yearn for a sense of peace, for a farewell to Joe, so that I may live the remainder of my life not suffused with the pain of loss.

A friend who has experienced torment over fatherloss encouraged me to read Neil Chethik's "Fatherloss." Knowing the depth of my despair, my friend sensed that reading "Fatherloss" could become a transforming experience. It was.

"Fatherloss" is a detailed study of the impact of a father's death on sons. It comforts, illuminates and instructs. Chethik interweaves anecdotal responses of bereaved sons with his own life-affirming observations and commentaries. His volume gently tears down walls of silence and suffering; it is not only profoundly moving, it is liberating in the understandings it presents to its readers. As Chethik maps the differing responses of sons to father death through the variables of age, prior relationship and impact, he sheds light on the dilemmas and pain sons face as they attempt to mourn, assess loss and rejoin the living.

I now realize that I am far from alone in my reaction to my father's death. Like many sons whose fathers' premature death shattered their lives, I never said goodbye to Joe. Never told him how much I loved him. Never gave him a final kiss. Never thanked him. And the resultant guilt and false sense of responsibility for his death caused my adolescence to be a period of unceasing loneliness and emotional isolation. I disintegrated, despite the outward appearance of success and attainment.

Chethik postulates that instead of words and tears (traditionally associated with female mourning practices), men often act. We make or create legacies. My headlong descent into a life of achievement and altruistic service, my feelings of never quite being able to live up to Joe's gigantic presence, my rejection of praise and any other compliment that would permit me to feel good about my life -- all these behaviors, in Chethik's wise hands, make sense and fit into a larger mosaic of how men respond to loss.

Not every page of "Fatherloss" will be crucial to every reader; after all, it was difficult for me to identify with sons who had no relationship with their father or sixty-year-olds who had ample time to prepare for the demise of their father. Thus, some passages of this volume may appear to border on the irrelevant to a number of readers. Yet, "Fatherloss" provides solace, guidance and hope as nothing else I have read in my life has. There are paragraphs in this remarkable volume which will graft themselves on sons' hearts, where their impact will engender a sense of hope, a sanctification of memory and a capacity to relinquish grief. The sheer principled beauty of "Fatherloss" is its affirmation of life through the passageway of grief.

Rating:
Summary: If you are a man who has lost his father..........
Review: I came across this book quite by accident shortly after losing my father. (It was filed in the wrong section in a bookstore).

The book is composed of a series of anecdotes about how men have coped with the loss of their father. The author is a journalist who interviewed approximately 400 men of diverse backgrounds. The book is divided into sections based on the time in the man's life that his father died. Each of these sections is preceded by a brief essay about a famous person who lost their father at the age described in the section. (So, for example, the first section is about minor children who lose their fathers and is preceded by a essay about the impact of this on JFK, Jr.).

The appendix has a list of grief counseling resources and a nice bibliography. No index. Happily, also included in the text is the Dylan Thomas poem ("Do not go gentle into that good night...").

The book really didn't offer me any profound insights, however, I found that the shared experiences of the other men helped me to understand my grief. This was true even in the cases where I had very little in common with the other person.

The truly remarkable thing about the book to me was that the author had not lost his own father. I found it somewhat unusal that he would choose such a topic under those circumstances.

Rating:
Summary: Here's my title -- BUY THIS BOOK!
Review: In his sensitive and thorough new book, journalist and father Neil Chethik scrutinizes the profound relationship of fathers and sons. But his insights affect all of us -- mothers and daughters, as well. Through his exhaustive and remarkable research, he uncovers and details stories of men of all ages who were changed, reshaped and reborn after the loss of their fathers. As the mother of three sons, I was deeply moved by the impact a father has on his son and will use this bountiful and explicit information in trying to help my own sons on their journeys to understand who they are and what it means to be a man.

I applaud Neil for so bravely and expertly writing a book that goes far beyond the superfical and offers wisdom and solid evidence of the complicated bond of father and son. His years as a columnist have taught him to tell a story well and his years as a newspaper reporter and editor have given him the skills to back up every story with solid information. He has done a masterful job and it is a book that all of us need to embrace to understand who we are, where we have been and where we are going. A marvelous book that everyone needs to read.

Rating:
Summary: A tender and insightful exploration of male loss.
Review: In the spring of 2001, one marvelously beautiful day, I met a man as I was entering a nursing home that I visit. I commented on the beauty of the day and said that it would be the perfect day to be out on the lake, fishing. He told me that the last time he had been fishing was fifteen years before, with his dad. "I haven't fished since," he said. Such is the impact of grief. And, for this man, the grief was still fresh, felt strongly on pretty spring days.

One of the most frequent questions we get at ElderHope.com is from wives who are witnessing the pain of their husband's grief. For both men and women, FatherLoss, by Neil Chethik and Robert Kastenbaum, is an oasis. Based on careful research, he explains the patterns of loss associated with a father's death, ways to prepare our sons, and ways that we might come to terms with the death of a father.

For the better part of a year, this book lingered in the background of my thoughts as I considered what my son might do if he lost me and what I would feel if I lost my own father. Whether you have lost your father or not, I consider this a MUST READ.

Rating:
Summary: Comforting, Rational and Neutral
Review: Men may grieve differently than women do, and men grieve for their fathers in ways that are unique to them as men and as sons. Seems obvious, but Chethik has written the first book addressing this specific subject. I have shared it with several male friends who lost their fathers at various ages, and all have found it enormously helpful.

Rating:
Summary: Informative for wives, too!
Review: My husband lost his father a few years before we got together, but in reading this book, I think I was able to understand better much of what he went through and what forces have made him the man he is today. I'm the author of "Fatherless Women: How We Change After We Lose Our Dads" (Wiley) and I was struck by Chethik's handling of an (obviously) related topic -- particularly by the similarities and differences he uncovered in men's experiences as opposed to women's. All of this, by the way, comes in a lovely, readable book -- making it useful for those of us who live with fatherless men, as well as for the men themselves.