Rating: 
Summary: Excellent Book
Review: "When Friendship Hurts" is an excellent and comprehensive analysis of friendship. Sometimes, we are so wrapped in our everyday affairs that we do not really pay attention to the quality of our relationships/friendships. The book begins on a good foot, with a chapter on who, one can define as a friend. For a person who could often experience negative friendships, a reinforcement of this definition from another source, is helpful. Additionally, it aids in the continual re-evaluation of the quality of one's friendships. The best part of the book is that it is very non-judgemental. While Dr.Yager stresses the importance of salvaging a friendship that is on the wane, she leaves it to the concerned, to judge for themselves, whether one should work on a friendship or allow it to fade away. Breaking a friendship, she says, must be done gently to avoid repercussions. She also gives the reader a psychological insight into what could motivate a person to react in a manner, destructive to the friendship and to the self-esteem of the friend. Broken friendships cause shame and guilt. An understanding that someone's behavior towards you, may have nothing to do with you (your achievements, your behavior) is necessary to diminish the guilt and the shame. She also gives suggestions about how one could improve oneself to improve friendships. The book has a therapeutic effect on the reader and is a must-read for anyone who values friendship. This book has helped me put my former and current friendships into their proper perspective.
Rating:
Summary: A Powerful Read!
Review: A reviewer, interested in friendships, June 18, 2002,
A Powerful Read!
I highly recommend this book which is jam packed with thoroughly researched and absolutely compelling information about friendship when it is negative, destructive or hurtful. The author, a sociologist and renowned friendship expert, delves into the who's,what's and why's of friendships that do us harm. By helping us to explore our own motivations, conflicts and needs, (as well as gaining insight into others' motivations, conflicts and needs), Dr.Yager offers suggestions and advice on how to correct, how to avoid, and how to know when to end negative friendships. We also expand our knowledge of how to nuture, foster and find, positive, life affirming friendships. A fascinating chapter on early family relationships describes how unresolved issues from our childhood may crop up in adulthood to sabotage our friendships. For instance, if we were subjected to a pattern of emotional, sexual or verbal abuse as children, we may have low self esteem and subconsciously seek out persons who perpetuate that same kind of negativity toward us simply because it's familiar ground. Realization of such conflicts can help us find ways to heal in order to have healthier, more rewarding friendships. Another chapter describes and dissects the psyche of 21 kinds of negative friends such as the 'fault finder', the 'double crosser', the 'controller', the 'bloodsucker', the 'taker' and the 'cheat'. Intriguing reading about people you may recognize from your own life! This book is filled with personal anecdotes from real people telling their stories of betrayal, abandonment and pain, caused by negative, hurtful friendships. These are scrutinized, and thorougly explored, leading the reader to a deeper understanding of the complexities of negative friendship experiences and their impact on our lives. One of the most impressive things about the book is its' complete coverage of harmful friendship relationships and occurrences. (Even one bad episode, such as a friendship ending without one's ever knowing why, can be devastating) Internet friendships, work friendships, new and old friendships, co-ed friendships, group friendships, casual and intimate 'best friend' friendships, are painstakingly examined. The author offers intelligent, practical suggestions for making the best of friendship in our lives and offers a roadmap for freeing ourselves of destructive friendships. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS is a powerful and fantastic book. I love it! Also recommended: Friendshifts
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Rating:
Summary: An Important Book
Review: After having "friendship issues" during both high school and college, I decided to buy this book. It was amazing how right-on the author is in her descriptions, recommendations and cautions when it comes to friendship - both ongoing and new. In addition, the people that she has interviewed contribute some interesting experiences and anecdotes that give a personal side, or a face, to very common issues. The way that Dr. Yager brings together these experiences makes the book go quickly and holds the reader's interest very well. What I learned from the book I feel will be very useful in dealing with painful friendships of the past, as well as current and future relationships. I was really glad to have found this book. I am sure that I will read it again. And I will definitely pass it along to friends. This is an important read to anyone who feels that they've faced disappointment in their friendships.
Rating: 
Summary: The title is wrong
Review: After the authors "Friendshift" and all the good recommendations from readers I was disappointed by this book. It does not live up to the title. The author repeats a lot of what she said in the earlier book and never really come to the subject according to my view. The author has not understood that the most important problem for somebody with bad friendships pattern is that because of bad childhood experiences they don't know where the border is between acceptabel behavior from a "friend" and not. They need help with that. (That is also what the title promises but don't give much of). The person that try to quit a history of bad friendship also need help to understand that loneliness will in the beginning be the result. A loneliness they could not stand as a child when they were dependent on parents and relatives, who did not treat them well because of problems of their own. It is also necessary that people, who try to reach better relationships pattern got help to understand that power play that exist between all people specially in the beginning of a relationship when testing is made.
Rating:
Summary: This book WILL help people
Review: During my second semester of grad school, I was hurt by a friend whom I had originally known during both our undergrad days.
Not only was I falsely accused of making up quotations about this friend in a news story, but the new newspaper management subsequently fired me after a loaded hearing which self-defense was logistically impossible. I had not edited the story, but was expected to take the heat for another person's restructuring without hesitation.
Arriving on top of Texas state agency budget cuts (for which on-campus jobs are hard to now find) the firing completely shattered my world. What had seemed like a pastime for my obviously now former friend had been my financial sustenance. Student teachers who were still receiving money from home could not possibly comprehend the importance of a good paying campus job.
Reading this book helped me realize there was nothing I could have done to prevent her behavior. Her complaining about the story not being exactly as she wanted was technically nothing personal directed at myself. I was only the person in immediate vicinity at the time. Her actions were selfish because they had not considered what consequences I would have to deal with.
It is not always easy to detect a potentially 'bad friendship' and they may be concealed beneath an initially functional exterior. We had worked together for many semesters previously without her making such allegations against me or another person. If it wasn't me, this person would have destroyed another acquaintance's life without similar guilt.
It is best to move on and find people who truly value you for being yourself.
Rating:
Summary: Excellent tool for dealing with negative friends
Review: Hooray for this book!!! This book is was very insightful and helpful in validating my feelings regarding my negative friendship. I did not know that this type of book exisited so when I found it and bought it I devoured it within a day. It is fast, comprehensible reading filled with examples from others who have had to deal with negative friendships. I especially liked the definitions of the types of friends, the examples of betrayls, and chapter 2...the 21 types of negative friends. There is a chapter on how to try to save the friendship and then one on when and how to end it. That chapter was very helpful to me and gave me ideas on how to deal with having to ending a friendship and having closure with that decision.
The author also includes "Affirmations to Reinforce Your Decision to End a Friendship" which I have gone back and read several times to help me stay strong. I highly recommend this book to anyone that needs help in dealing with a hurtful friendship.
Rating:
Summary: this is the greatest book!
Review: I haven't read the author's book "Friendshifts" so I have no basis of comparison (although the author did mention that book in this one many times.) However, I bought this book last night (and the cashier noted the title and said she was getting a copy as well) and have read a lot of it and already feel I have gained a lot of insight. First of all, the fact that this book exists shows that I am indeed not the only one, there are obviously enough people experiencing this that it warrants research and writing (misery loves company and all that.) Second, Yager identifies 21 different kinds of negative friends. I am better able to understand why some so-called friends have done what they have done. I still don't like it, but I do feel able to move on now (and this is after just one skimming of the pages!) Thirdly and most important, the author helps you identify characteristics of potential friends to gauge the likelihood of whether they are a true friend or not. Because I seem to befriend the same type of mean selfish woman wherever I go, I find this to be invaluable!
Rating:
Summary: this is the greatest book!
Review: I haven't read the author's book "Friendshifts" so I have no basis of comparison (although the author did mention that book in this one many times.) However, I bought this book last night (and the cashier noted the title and said she was getting a copy as well) and have read a lot of it and already feel I have gained a lot of insight. First of all, the fact that this book exists shows that I am indeed not the only one, there are obviously enough people experiencing this that it warrants research and writing (misery loves company and all that.) Second, Yager identifies 21 different kinds of negative friends. I am better able to understand why some so-called friends have done what they have done. I still don't like it, but I do feel able to move on now (and this is after just one skimming of the pages!) Thirdly and most important, the author helps you identify characteristics of potential friends to gauge the likelihood of whether they are a true friend or not. Because I seem to befriend the same type of mean selfish woman wherever I go, I find this to be invaluable!
Rating:
Summary: An Uplifting Book on Friendship Change, Loss, & Formation
Review: In her book, "When Friendship Hurts," Dr. Jan Yager talks to the reader about topics not often discussed in the friendship literature: the tulmultous nature of the relationships we sometimes have with our friends and the eventual breakup of friendships, even longterm ones. It was a book waiting to be written, and is a welcome companion volume to Dr. Yager's first book on friends, "Friendshifts."
Dr. Yager is a gifted writer who knows her craft well. In a caring and conversational tone, she combines research, storytelling, common sense, and insight to create a narrative that the reader can identify with at every turn of the page. This is a book that is difficult to put down, even for a moment.
Read Chapter 2 and discover the people you should avoid as friends. (Then read through that same chapter to see if you can find yourself. Just what kind of friend are you?) Other chapters will give positive and realistic advice on how to save a fading friendship, as well as letting go of one that has grown unhealthy. Dr. Yager's advice on establishing positive friendships is especially helpful and spiritually uplifting.
To those readers who read this book to help themselves get through a friendship crises: "When Friendship Hurts" will help you tremendously. To clinicians (social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, psychiatric nurses, and others): this book will prove to be a powerful tool in your own practices, used as part of bibliotherapy with clients themselves, or as a sourcebook for other kinds of therapeutic interventions. And to those college professors who need a well researched, well written book on friendship loss and rebirth for your own courses in social work, counseling, sociology, education, and psychology, this is the book for you. "When Friendship Hurts" is one book your students will not return to the bookstore at the end of the semester. It is that powerful. This is a book your students will keep and take with them wherever they work in their professional careers.
Rating:
Summary: a book for everybody
Review: This book is great.Everybody can find something there.It helped me to understand a lot.We all desire true friendships and it's possible.Sometimes we just need to reflect how we are doing as a friend.If you really want to make a healthy friendship - read it.You will be amazed how clearly it explains different relationships between friends and their ups and downs.My two thumbs up to J.Yager.
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