The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life

Rating:
Summary: This book should come with a warning label
Review: Abused women, do NOT read this book BEFORE therapy or before you are well on your way to recovery. This book will RETRAUMATISE you. Dr. Ellis, whilst a well-respected psychologist, misuses his authority by speaking the truth WITHOUT love. He does make some very valid points, but the book is permeated with the idea that others have the perfect right to run roughshod over anyone who can't "stop" them. Yes, we all own our emotions. Yes, we each create our own responses to how others treat us. HOWEVER, we, each and every one of us, ALSO are responsible for HOW OUR BEHAVIOR effects others. This is especially true for abusive people who brutally control others through threats, intimidation, double-bind situations and the misuse of trust inherent in intimate relationships. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, even if a notable psychologist says it is. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND LUNDY BANCROFT'S "WHY DOES HE DO THAT" INSTEAD. Mr. Bancroft actually understands what really goes on in an abusive relationship - the abuser's sense of entitlement is the real problem.

Rating:
Summary: Personal Responsibility
Review: Although the material by Patricia Evans is an invaluable tool that assists with identifying abuse, validating the victim's perception, and includes exercises that teach the victim how to respond to the abuser in a healthy manner - little if nothing is discussed on personal responsibility. Over time if there is nothing other than consistent emphasis on blaming the abuser and receiving endless support and sympathy for the victim, this would be defined as "enabling" which can result in stagnation for the victim. Some victims get "stuck" and need a resource to help extricate themselves from the cycle of abuse. Finally, a book that delves into the victim's issues! The best method in which to alleviate abuse in one's life (in addition to recognizing verbal abuse for what it is) is to have self-insight, a healthy self-esteem, boundary setting abilities, et al. The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life contains the pervasive message that one does not HAVE to be a victim, and includes concrete steps one can take in order to be a victim no more. I found it so helpful, I am ordering a copy for a friend :)

Rating:
Summary: If "something" is not right with your man - READ THIS BOOK
Review: I am a male.

I bought this book out of general interest, because I like Albert Ellis's books. This book answered one specific question for me. It had been puzzling me for a year and a half. Namely, why on earth did this woman who I cared for, keep rejecting me and going back to her old boyfriend who treated her like garbage, and occasionally struck her?
(Answer: Abuse creates strong feelings, which some women mistake for love).

I've had occasion to pass this book to a few female friends who I thought needed it, and to one who I knew didn't. The latter, who never takes any rubbish from anybody, found it a fascinating read - as it explained to her behaviour she observed in some men and women.

The beginning chapters outline what constitutes verbal abusive behaviour, and gives numerous examples.

One of the my female friends stated that it was an eerie experience, reading in point form, almost an exact script of what life with her ex husband had been like for the previous 20 years.
My other abused friend said, "Yes it's all true - except for the part about saying sorry - he never said that".

I can only draw one conclusion:
If you have a niggly feeling that things aren't quite right with either your new Prince Charming, or with the one who used to be Prince Charming - before you married him - you had better read this book.
Else you may waste 10 or 20 years on someone who, you will ultimately and grimly be forced to admit to yourself, never actually loved you. He was incapable of it from the beginning.

The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude.
Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.

If you are one of the unfortunate women stuck in this situation, you can at least take some solace - the book points out that you are not alone. Thousands of women are in a similar situation.

Rating:
Summary: Solid. Not victim blaming.
Review: I read this book with some trepidation because of one customer review that accuses the book of being about blaming the victim. After reading it, I believe the book is very helpful, and in no way, shape, or form is it about blaming the victim. It clearly condemns abuse and has many empathic words for those who endure it. It is strongly supportive of the variety of ways that abused partners will choose to address the abuse, leaving, staying, etc. The techniques recommended to address abuse seem excellent as a way to, as it were, immunize oneself against the destructive impact of abuse and empower its victims to take new and constructive approaches that would have been unthinkable before. It in no way implies that there is a "right" or a "privilege" to abuse. In one example in the text, an abused partner working through the issues and her response says that her partner has the "right" to abuse her. But it is clear from the context and the thrust of the book that the intended meaning is, "my partner, as a separate, free moral agent, is free to abuse me if he so chooses, even though it is wrong and destructive, and it is my job to decide how I will respond, since I can't control his choices or his behavior."

Rating:
Summary: Solid. Not victim blaming.
Review: I read this book with some trepidation because of one customer review that accuses the book of being about blaming the victim. After reading it, I believe the book is very helpful, and in no way, shape, or form is it about blaming the victim. It clearly condemns abuse and has many empathic words for those who endure it. It is strongly supportive of the variety of ways that abused partners will choose to address the abuse, leaving, staying, etc. The techniques recommended to address abuse seem excellent as a way to, as it were, immunize oneself against the destructive impact of abuse and empower its victims to take new and constructive approaches that would have been unthinkable before. It in no way implies that there is a "right" or a "privilege" to abuse. In one example in the text, an abused partner working through the issues and her response says that her partner has the "right" to abuse her. But it is clear from the context and the thrust of the book that the intended meaning is, "my partner, as a separate, free moral agent, is free to abuse me if he so chooses, even though it is wrong and destructive, and it is my job to decide how I will respond, since I can't control his choices or his behavior."

Rating:
Summary: Exactly what I needed...but
Review: I wouldn't recommend this as a first book to read about verbal abuse. For me, it was a real catalyst for change, but probably would NOT have been if I hadn't a) been in therapy for a while and b)first read a lot of other books, especially books by Cheri Huber, a buddhist teacher with very similar ideas. 100% responsibility for your experience, 100% of the time.

I agree, it is hard to swallow the idea that an abuser has the 'right' to abuse, but really it is true, but not in a specific way, like the way that we have a right to free speech. It is broader than that, and I think is intended more to shift your attention away from what the abuser is doing and instead focus on YOURSELF. I can't explain it, but it has to do with the abuser sowing his own seeds.

I think this is a very powerful book, but also very easy to misinterpret. Save this one for more advanced recovery work.

Rating:
Summary: Exactly what I needed...but
Review: I wouldn't recommend this as a first book to read about verbal abuse. For me, it was a real catalyst for change, but probably would NOT have been if I hadn't a) been in therapy for a while and b)first read a lot of other books, especially books by Cheri Huber, a buddhist teacher with very similar ideas. 100% responsibility for your experience, 100% of the time.

I agree, it is hard to swallow the idea that an abuser has the 'right' to abuse, but really it is true, but not in a specific way, like the way that we have a right to free speech. It is broader than that, and I think is intended more to shift your attention away from what the abuser is doing and instead focus on YOURSELF. I can't explain it, but it has to do with the abuser sowing his own seeds.

I think this is a very powerful book, but also very easy to misinterpret. Save this one for more advanced recovery work.

Rating:
Summary: In Case You Aren't Being Blamed Enough by Your Abuser...
Review: The Good:

This book makes it very clear, in precise language, that an abusive relationship is based on anger, not on love, and that to get the most out of any romantic relationship, you must first love yourself. It also notes repeatedly that the abused cannot "fix" the abuser. Very good. Points taken.

The Bad:

This book tends to focus too much on making the abused person feel completely responsible for the situation by emphasizing the idea that it's their own perception of things that makes them unbearable.

The Ugly:

This book minimizes and simplifies the experience and effects of verbal abuse.

Having been in a few verbally abusive relationships and having also worked in women's centers, I found a lot of things about this book to be off the mark. The idea that your abuser has the RIGHT and the PRIVILAGE to abuse you, and that you should PREFER not to be abused rather than demand that you be treated with love and respect, was especially shocking to me.

I do agree that the abused have more power than they give themselves credit for, and can change the course of their lives by 1)recognizing the abuse, 2) realizing the fact that their abuser may not change, and then 3)doing something about it. But there's no reason anyone should have to feel that they should put up with this awful behavior. When your happiness and well-being (as well as that of your children!) is being destroyed, you have every reason to feel the feelings you have and to demand to be treated better.

No one has the "right" to abuse you. EVER.

This method may work in relationships where the abuser has the ability and desire to change and the abused hasn't yet been completely beaten down. But for the rest of you, I suggest Praticia Evans' books, as well as counseling and/or group therapy. You are not to blame for your abuse. And you CAN empower yourself to take control of your life.

Rating:
Summary: Erasing the Gray
Review: This book by Dr. Ellis sounds like a weak rationalization for justifying the idolization of Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Theory for the Ignorant. It's too bad that it seems to be skewed toward domestic relations where the stronger partner has license to ignore the sensitivity or the humanity of the weaker partner. Unfortunately, this pattern is not limited only to intimate relations but appears upon every street corner as well as every street, if not on every playground. There seems to be little evidence of reactionary refusals included in attempts to set limits on such behavior. In most cases, the "stronger, more intelligent" person refuses to stoop to the level of the ignorant person who uses such tactics to try to control, ideally, to prevent wallowing in the stench of the ignorant persons who use this method pretending it represents control, power, and strength. In most cases, it's not worth the bother since such "acting out" by weak-minded persons don't deserve to have their poorly constructed "arguments" met with legitimate response, and are usually too ignorant to understand the benefit of alternative methods. This "typical bully behavior" that doesn't even rise to the level of legitimate S&M, much less pass for communication, deserves the only kind of response possible in such situations - complete dismissal because of its failed credibility. The public nusiance that it is, however aggravating, is best left to stew in its own disgraced juice, spiced by its own concoction of frustration. Why would it deserve more recognition than acknowledging its failings rooted more in its own ridiculous outbursts than by any legitimate concern that commands attention or authority? How can it be thought of as anything but ignorant? It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to appreciate the differences between black and white in areas where gray doesn't "wear well."