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Rating: 
Summary: Saved my sanity
Review: 38 years of my husband's infidelity led me into the pages of this book. After reading almost every book available on the subject, I found this remarkable book by Dr. Shirley Glass. No one book will answer all questions, but this book gave me more reassurance and answered more questions than any other. It is the book that has kept me sane. As I read this book, I kept saying to myself "this is us" or "yes, this is how I feel". NOT JUST FRIENDS gave me the words my exhausted brain could no longer form. It freed me from the pain of thinking I was wrong by needing details of the sordid relationship my husband had with a "colorful woman about town".
This book will be used for a long, long time. I am purchasing copies for friends and family so they can read it and avoid the heartache of infidelity. Dr. Glass I thank you for your intelligent approach to this subject and your infinite wisdom.
Rating: 
Summary: Oh, please--more myth-making from the therapy room
Review: For a hundred years, scientists and methodologists have been pointing out that you cannot reason backwards from the therapy room to the general population. Yet these therapy types can't stop themselves, and naive people believe them. Does the phrase, "Let's not endanger our friendship?" not seem familiar? Friendship does not lead to sex. Usually it does the opposite. That some people, out of other problems, violate their friendships does not mean that friendship is dangerous. There is a huge difference between being intimate with a friend of the opposite sex and positioning yourself for an affair. Dr. Glass confuses intimacy with foreplay, responsiveness with seduction. A basic premise of good reasoning is to consider alternative hypotheses. Dr. Glass doesn't seem to have thought much about alternative explanations of why some cheaters choose friends to cheat with. Yes, some people violate the bonds of friednships--just like they violate their marriage vows. But maybe the issue here is the common denominator--that is, what makes them willing to betray people they claim to love, whether spouses or friends? Maybe it's not that, being intimate, you drift into an affair. Maybe for other reasons (selfishness and poor impulse control come to mind)you are a betrayer, a person who cannot keep faith with others, whether spouses or friends--and you convince yourself that a friend is the person to cheat with. You figure it's safer in so many ways. You tell yourself that your friend, who cares about your life, has an interest in making sure the two of you don't get caught (and destroy each other's lives) that a stranger doesn't. You know your friend, so you're less scared about the affair turning into something where more is demanded of you than you want to give. The friend is probably less likely to lie to you about sexual diseases. And it is just SO much easier to get away with an affair with a "friend," since fewer people, including your spouse, will get suspicious of your spending time together! Last but not least, your friend is more likely than a stranger to fall for your lies--that you're really in love with them, for instance. I mean, you're their friend--you wouldn't lie about something like that, would you? Convenience and cowardice, not intimacy, explain why some cheaters choose friends. Believe me, I know--I am very sad to say. I WAS THE CHEATER. And then there's the fact that slippery slope arguments have long been known to be invalid. Remember the old argument that smoking grass leads to heroin addiction? Besides, who's to say where the slope starts? My conservative religious parents would say the slope toward infidelity starts as soon as we think that women are men's equals, that women should be able to work, that men and women can dance together, etc. Why not draw the line there? Because its just false reasoning, the slope isn't slippery. So I think there is just no reason to believe this book. The reasoning is bad and the thinking naive. But I guess lots of people find the myth comforting--more comforting than the alternative, more logical, more realistic hypotheses. In any case, the advice in this book about avoiding affairs really isn't workable. Imagine this: You're on a business trip with a guy who's senior to you. After the afternoon meetings, it's clear that the two of you have to do some work together before the next day's meetings. He says, "You want to work in my room or yours?" You say, "I'm sorry, but not in either--Shirley Glass says it's inappropriate to work in a room with a bed in it." He says, "So how do you think we're going to get this work done?" You say, "Let's meet in the restaurant." He says, "Are you crazy? Doing confidential work in public? And how do you think we're going to set up an internet connection in the bar." You say, "Well, we could to rent a conference room that doesn't have a bed in it." He says, "Enjoy your search for a new job." Turn it around, so that it's a young guy with an older woman, and she is going to laugh him right onto the next plane back to the unemployment lines-and tell everyone back at the office what an arrogant nut job the little twirp was. You want to have a good marriage? First, grow up--learn to control your impulses, think through your temptations, and care about the promises you've made to people you claim to love. Then, get yourself some really, really close friends of the opposite sex to talk to when you're having trouble understanding your spouse-and encourage yous spouse to do the same. That's how you escape sexism and learn something. I mean, who in the world wants a spouse who only consults same-sex friends when the marriage is in difficulty? And if you want your spouse to be able to learn from his opposite sex friends, you certainly better respect their privacy, some secrets. Otherwise, how can he talk frankly and learn a woman's eye view? Friendship isn't dangerous--even though it can be a convenient cover for people who are, for reasons of their own, dangerous--that is, people who cannot keep faith with those they claim to love. I'm pretty sure I'm a trustworthy spouse now--because I faced facts about myself. I fear for the spouses who take comfort in this mythical book and let their betrayers get away without similar soul-searching and reform.
Rating:
Summary: Healing Words
Review: For anyone whose life has been turned inside out and upside down by the reality of an affair, finding resources and helpful information can be a challenging and frustrating experience. After recently catching my husband in an affair, which actually turned out to be two simultaneous affairs, I was desperate to find a source of helpful information. I turned to the internet and searched for both information and books, but was confused by the numbers of books that address the subject. I was in a devistating personal crisis and didn't have any time to waste in this search, and by the grace of God, ordered "NOT Just Friends". This book has tremendously helped both my husband and myself to understand how our solid and loving marriage fell prey to the devistation of infidelity. It also gave us both hope that we could get through the pain, repair the damage and potentially come out of this as a stronger couple. At this point in time, it's too early to know if I'll be able to heal and forgive my husband, but Dr. Glass is encouraging and supportive as she walks you through all the steps and stages of infidelity. I was so desperate for help when the book arrived, that I began by scanning the index and jumping all over the book and reading the chapters and/or sections that I needed most at that point in time. I then went back and started reading from the beginning, and my husband is reading it as well. As we read, we each highlight important passages in different colors, then go back and re-read what was important to the other, then discuss why. So, not only has this book provided invaluable insight into the hows, whys, and wheres of affairs, it has also provided us with an excellent basis for open and honest discussions. I plan to buy three extra copies for my three daughters in the hopes that they can prevent such devestation in their futures. A very special thank you to Dr. Glass for her down-to-earth insight and sensitive approach in helping us understand and begin the healing process.
Rating:
Summary: Insightful Understanding into the Root of Today's Infidelity
Review: I found this book to be incredibly insightful in its identification of the subtle transition from friends to lovers. Dr. Glass recognizes the emotional significance and potential hazard when an individual stops functioning as a responder to their mate and become a responder to a close friend. The running story of Laura, Rachel and Ralf the book outlines mirrors precisely my own set of circumstances. Unfortunately I didn't find this book until after my relationship had ended. However, its description of the course of events was right on target, right down to the terms that the affair partners used to justify their actions including calling their lover their soul mate. In my own particular circumstances I was in the role of Rachel; Dr. Glass' insights into the thoughts of the character of Rachel paralleled my own during the affair of my significant other. This book mapped the friendship to affair progression I watched my significant other go through. More specifically Dr. Glass managed to capture and understand the miry tangle of emotions that a person feels when their spouse is involved in an affair. For months I have been looking for someone that could understand that I felt both betrayed and yet still loved my former spouse. The description of the nauseating, insomniating, complicated emotions the person who has been cheated on feels was exactly what I had been trying to express to family and friends. I would recommend this book to anyone who has been involved in an affair personally or tangentially as well as for any couple interested in protecting and identifying risks to their relationship.
Rating:
Summary: Practical guide offers sound advice
Review: I'd like to take a minute to comment on the value and meaning of this book to me. I am a woman who has been married to the same man for 28 years. We have 2 grown children, and have gone throught the issues many long-term married couples go through, including infidelity. I found out about my husband's affair from to woman's husband several years after it was over. Everyone "thought I knew"....I did not, although I knew we were having trouble. I just thought it would work itself out. It did, but that was because my husband ended the affair. You can't be "friends" with two women or men on the level it takes to have an intimate relationship. Let me say that I have a PhD in Nursing, am faculty at a large university in the Southwest and am very knowledgeable about family relationships. I did not "know" my husband was having an affair with a woman he called "just my friend"( I can't really say if I was in denial or not, but that doesn't seem valid to me). The affair lasted off and on for about six years. My life, and the lives of our children were "hell" during this time, for lack of a better word. Dr. Glass correctly states that if you are better friends with another person than your spouse, you have opened yourself up to be more intimate with another person than the one you vowed to cherish. If you are to be in a satisfied, committed relationship, a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex is frought with complications. You can't be "loyal" to two men or women at the same time ( This is particularly difficult for me to say, because I have always regarded myself as a feminist. The problem is the other woman was not, and wanted my husband.) This is my opinion, based on information I have gathered professionally and personally, but I believe in Dr. Glass' work and I think it is meaningful. I have read just about everything written about the subject of infidelity, and this book helped my husband (who read it also) and me more than any information did before or since. I wish anyone who is suffering from the pain of infidelity (regardless of the side of the fence they are on) peace.
Rating:
Summary: Described my situation exactly!
Review: I'm surprised by the negative feedback. I wonder if these people have ever experienced an affair? I, unfortunately, had to experience the horror of my husband having an affair. I can honestly say that I saw myself and my husband in almost ALL of this book... can't say much about the OW since I don't give a darn about her... but if it was so on the mark with my husband and I, it most likely is with her... (I admit I skipped that chapter on HER since I don't care at all about what she was feeling as she seduced a married man. I know it went both ways, but I know she made many many phone calls to him and kept the communication between them wide open to make him feel she was so trustworthy and full of wisdom).
I knew the signs and felt them coming. This book helps one see what kind of relationships could snowball - as it did in our situation. I felt uncomfortable when they went on a business trip together (which started everything) and felt something wasn't right when he went to lunch with her so often. That's how it all began! Then IMing, emails, phone calls, late nights at work, early mornings BEFORE work... the list goes on and on. Ladies, keep your eyes open all the time. I thought my husband would be the last person on earth who would cheat on me, but he did. He talked to her about all our problems and of course, she could relate to it and explain why she divorced... made it seem like the right thing to do since our marriage was "over" anyway. How she could convince him when he had a brandnew baby (6 wks & 3 yrs) at home and how he could ever think that it is a good time to leave is beyond me. He said, "It's never the perfect time to leave." HA Sounds like something a woman would say if she were trying to convince someone to leave their wife! He was gone for 8 weeks when he saw just what he was loosing and he came home finally to the relief of everyone. This book has been a godsend to me during this time. I can relate to every emotion Shirley Glass describes about the betrayed partner. I've recommended this book to all my married friends so they can read and know what to watch for (I don't think they think it could happen to them - just like I thought!). It can happen to anyone and it doesn't start out, like she explains, as two people intending on having an affair, but when the conditions are right, things happen.
Rating:
Summary: This book worked wonders for me.
Review: In the last five or six years, I've torn through relationships like nobody's business. I dated three guys at once; each of them thinking they were "the" boyfriend... and in a monogamous relationship.
I cheated on those three too, with a handfull of others I picked up online.
And in the last three years, for the entire duration of another "committed relationship" I had over forty sexual partners I cheated with... out of over 400 I'd contacted through chat rooms, personal ads, at parties... even my boyfriend's friends. Nothing was sacred. Nothing was off-limits. I just did as I pleased.
I knew how damaging this was to my last boyfriend -- and even -- even when he'd tried his best; going to counseling with me, sticking by me througout these ordeals -- I couldn't stop myself. DIDN'T want to stop myself.
The relationship ended very badly. While he was away for a few days, I met someone at a local bar I liked, and slept with him. A few days later, I unceremoniously dumped my boyfriend... without even telling him why. He kept calling... emailing... asking what had happened... but I just ignored him and kept seeing my new interest. Sadly, that's how the relationship I'd just ended has begun -- cheating on my LAST boyfriend.
Three years of counseling... several months of couples therapy... all that pain and anguish I saw I was putting people through... nothing made me want to stop. I was stuck in this huge, reckless rut... pleasing only myself.
Then I read this book. I can't believe how it's changed my life. I actually *got it* - understood - got some real help. It took a lot of courage, but I was finally able to approach the man I'd injured so many times... thrown his love away so many times... for such meaningless, random... terrible things...
...and apologize. This time it came from the heart. I vowed never again to make an empty apology... repeat these mistakes... destroying any trust others had in me... my credibility... my decency.
I'm still recovering... it isn't easy... but now I'm DOING the things I'd always said I'd do. I didn't think I'd ever be able to recover what I'd so casually thrown away... but found to my amazement that ACTUALLY doing something... stopping... not just paying lip service to my problem... began to rebuild some of the trust and love I'd squandered.
I couldn't have done it without this book.
Rating:
Summary: This Book is Right on Target............
Review: This book was bought for me out of special consideration because I was right in the early stages of this trauma. As the 'betrayed spouse', it was right on target with descriptions and explanations of feelings and emotions. IT HELPED ME COPE and gave me more tools to move forward and heal. My situation was not about a 'work-related' incident. It was a run-of-the-mill affair and this book was extremely sensitive and honest about ALL kinds of infidelity. I highly reccommend it to anyone struggling in this situation(whether you are the affair partner, spouse who betrayed, or the betrayed partner), it helps all involved. Thanks Dr. Glass.
Rating:
Summary: Practical guide offers sound advice
Review: This book was extremely helpful to me after experiencing a recent betrayal in our 8 year marriage. It was easy to read and offered interesting statistics and research to support the information given. Most helpful to me was the the second part of the book which offers tremendous support and very practical advice for all three parties involved in affairs, emotional or otherwise. The book takes a positive approach to all parties, offering support and hope that the end of the world is not upon you--you can pick up the pieces and go on, you are not insane and you are definitely not alone.
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Summary: A Must-Read after Infidelity
Review: This review is for those, like myself, who have had the unfortunate experience of going through an affair. And frankly I suspect that most readers of this kind of book have gone through the experience. The short story is that there are better books. "After the affair" is the book I and my spouse read after the affair, by the suggestion of a therapist that we saw three days after the affair was revealed (I never thought I'd see a therapist). "After the affair" is a better book---shorter, more to the point, and much less controversial. Of course not everything applies to everybody, but it's a good start, because there are many common issues. I bought "Not just friends" about one year after the affair, because the affair was still in my mind and I wanted to have a different perspective. I am sorry to say that I didn't make it very far into the book. It's possible that my interest in this kind of literature has waned, although one year is certainly not enough to start forgetting about the affair. It's also possible that, had this been the first book, I would have liked it better. At that stage you need all the help you can get. Still, you also need help quickly, and there is little point in having to go through the first part (prevention of a possible affair) when your foremost preoccupation is how to deal with a current or past affair. Time and energies are often tight, particularly in an affair situation. "After the affair" is, I think, a better choice, although I am not surprised that several readers liked this book a lot, because it can help too. Any by the way, Frank Nelson is not my real name. :-)
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