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Summary: It helped me when I was down
Review: This book helped me when I was down after my divorce. I at the time was not only broken by the loss of a marriage I had thought a good one, but was tremendously guilty about the burden I had placed on my children. This book in a sense confirmed my view that ' divorce' is often a selfish act of a parent, or parents taken against the interests of the children.
As I read the book worrying about the long- term consequences for my children, I took a certain encouragement in one kind of example Wallerstein gave. She pointed out that certain children of divorce come away stronger somehow , determined that they will build good families, and not make the mistake their parents made. That of course is my prayer for my children.
In any case this is a very interesting book, the best one I have as yet encountered on the whole subject of the effect of divorce on the children.
I just hope that you will not be one of those who needs to read it for ' practical advice'.
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Summary: Hands down the single best book on divorces' effect.
Review: This book offers a sorely needed perspective of the children's. It's for parents who are divorced or considering it, children whose parents are divorced and spouses of children of divorce. Our divorce culture inadvertently places the emphasis on the parents, on their rights and their time with kids, their feelings and their perspectives. Few people are able to understand what the children really feel and go through unless they have been through it themselves.Here, Wallerstein does a masterful job of describing how divorce affects children both immediately after the divorce and 25 years later based on first-hand accounts. She also compares those children to their neighbors and friends who grew up in intact families. She points out what struggles they have in relationships and life afterward and what they need to mend properly. A must read for anybody involved with or affected by divorce!
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Summary: Divorce's unexpected effects on kids--wow!
Review: Wallerstein's central thesis is that despite what adults would like to tell themselves, divorce is *not* a simple, minor, or transitory matter in the life of a child. Divorce is a profound trauma that *forever* alters a child's life, often in ways unexpected. It does not at all lessen the impact that so many children nowadays are from divorced parents, either; as Wallerstein puts it, "children come single file." The divorce is just the beginning. After losing their childhood and family home, the child then has to deal with reduced--often severely reduced--parenting time from the custodial parent, who is devoting energy toward maintaining a home and rebuilding their shattered life and has correspondingly less time to spend with the child. The non-custodial parent's investment in the child often drops to a minimum--every other weekend and a month or so in the summer is no substitute for the time and attention of a live-in father or mother. On top of that, both parents are often dealing with profound emotional pain in the context of a reduced support network and often come to rely on children for support in inappropriate ways.
And the effects of divorce don't end there. In addition to losing the familial home, and (often) being forced to relocate, change schools, make new friends, etc (another traumatic event for children), the child is then often exposed to another series of transitions as one or both parents try out a rotating shuffle of new dating and/or live-in partners. If/when the parents settle on new marital partners, then the child faces yet another transition of trying to integrate the new adult/s (and possibly assorted children) into the new family. The complexity of this process increases logarithmically if stepchildren are involved. Particularly in the case of the non-custodial parent, this often means that parental investment drops still further, as the parent focuses his/her attention on building a new family with the new mate. Even in the case of the custodial parent, parental investment may suffer. Stepparental investment usually cannot substitute for this, for various reasons, not least of which is that from the child's point of view the stepparent is an interloper and imposter stealing the parent's attention from the child and taking the place of the other parent; this is particularly likely to happen if the stepparent attempts to assert authority too soon or in a high-handed way. ("You're not my real dad!" is a valid complaint.) Too often, as the adults involved rebuild their lives, children end up feeling (in Wallerstein's evocative phrase) like "leftovers from a marriage no one wanted."
Problems of adjustment are further exacerbated by rigid joint-custody arrangements which are often negotiated around the needs of the adults and do not take the children's growing and changing life patterns into account, so that children's ability to engage in afterschool activities and cultivate friendships are often curtailed by being rigidly marched off to the other parent without regard for such things as baseball games, birthday parties or practices (one child in this situation complained that she felt like a "second-class citizen"). Parents in this situation are often surprisingly deaf to the children's needs (Wallerstein presents several examples of parents who, when faced with complaints of three, four and five-year-old children, responded with, "Everyone has to make sacrifices and they do too.")
The above all mean that children from divorced parents have substantially different life experiences than children whose parents remained married. These different life experiences lead to effects that do not go away after a minor period of adjustment, but instead profoundly shape the way the child looks at the world, at romantic relationships, at parenthood, and at life in general. Children from divorced families are more likely to feel like nothing in life can be taken for granted, like nothing is ever secure (one of her informants speaks about how, even though she knows it's unrealistic, she feels like she can't ever be happy because she's always afraid that a huge catastrophe is waiting just around the corner to strike her and ruin her life). They are severely unsettled in their search for a mate by a lack of a model for building a lasting romantic relationship; instead they have the feeling that "my parents failed at this--" often multiple times, as they watched their parents try out and reject new lovers "--and therefore I will fail too. Failure is inevitable." Children of divorced parents have a much more difficult time dealing with the inevitable romantic conflict that comes with any relationship and may see very minor marital spats as a prelude to the "inevitable" divorce (so what that they think their marriage is a happy one? So what that they're in love with their spouse? Once upon a time, their parents were happy and in love too, and look how *that* turned out. The process had to have started *somewhere.*)
Although Wallerstein is far from being anti-divorce--her work with children has convinced her that in some marriages, particularly those characterized by physical violence, divorce to save the children is absolutely essential--although tragically enough the child often does not understand this and may miss the violent parent and be angry at the divorcing one--one of her main points is that in non-violent marriages, parents should seriously consider staying together for the sake of the children. What she calls the "trickle-down" theory of happiness--the idea that if the partners are unhappy the children are unhappy, and that if the adults are happy the children will be too--is not true. Children's needs and adult's needs are not identical, and children can be quite happy in a marriage where the partners are bored with each other, unhappy, or even completely miserable. If staying together for the sake of the children is simply not an option, then Wallerstein lays out some suggestions for softening the blow, including trying to minimize change for the child as much as possible--although she points out, this will only lessen the impact. It won't make the effects of divorce go away.
I have two main criticisms of this book, one specific and one personal. First, the specific one. Wallerstein has some very harsh words for the court system when it comes to custodial arrangements, and while I can see her point that the system is far from ideal, I feel that she doesn't give the courts enough credit. The courts take over when the parents involved cannot or will not come to an agreement on their own, usually due to anger at each other. Because of this, the parents are so caught up in their own emotions that they themselves will not put their child's best interests first. It then becomes the role of the courts to "lay the smack down" and force through a deal, but it has to be one that both parents will accept. How is a court supposed to *make* a parent put his or her child's interests first? Sadly, work trumps extracurricular activities--for good reason. Wallerstein also blasts the courts because she claims they make it difficult for parents to speak up for children's interests, since one parent that complains is often accused of harboring anger at the other, but the fact of the matter is, that this is a real problem. Children and custody can be and all too often are turned into weapons against the other parent. As someone once said, "Custody does an even better job than divorce of turning human beings into insects." Pretty often in Wallerstein's own examples, the custodial arrangements could have worked a lot better if either parent was willing to be a little bit more flexible, but sadly, neither of them were. I think it's telling that Wallerstein herself, for all her harsh words for the court system, is unable to offer specific suggestions for reforming things, besides one proposal (a very good one) that parents who seek some custodial rights after a prolonged absence from the child's life should take time to reintroduce themselves first and that some sort of advice should be provided on how to relate to children who have changed considerably since they last knew them. A second proposal--that custodial arrangements should be renegotiated on a year-by-year basis--sounds good, but I am somewhat dubious; if parents were unwilling to put the child's needs first at the time of the initial agreement, I see no particular reason to think they would later on, especially as both of them move on to form new lives with new mates.
The personal criticism is more of a wish: Wallerstein deals with children who were very young at the time of the divorce and who resided with their mothers after custody. I was in my teens during my parents' divorce, and the father had custody. While a great deal of what Wallerstein said resonated with me, I would still have liked to see more about children in my situation. It would seem obvious that near-adult children of divorce would not be affected as strongly, but I'm not at all sure this is true, and I would like to see more about it. Still, this is a *very* useful book for children of divorce, in figuring out what the effects on their lives are and why. Well done, Wallerstein.
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