Rating: 
Summary: "Intact" vs "Broken"
Review: As a 26 year old woman who is the "child of divorce" I read this book only to confirm how wrong a book that tries to lump a group of people into a mold can be. I have always resented the notion that my family was somehow "broken" just because I did not have two parents living together. My family was "fixed" -- as soon as my father moved out of the house.The study was necessarily lopsided, in that it followed "children of divorce" throughout their childhood and adulthood, but only took a fleeting look at two-parent children, who were asked to describe their childhood from memory--necessarily different than a first hand account from a five year old. There was no real way for the author to find out "what would have happened" i.e. had the divorced parents stayed together, but there was no effort to thoroughly study the effects of bad marriage, either. From personal experience, my two-parent peers growing up were neither more or less balanced than I was, and the fact that one of my parents should never have had children would have been a factor whether or not he was living in the same house as my mother, who fortunately "made up" for the "lack." My boyfriend, who comes from a two-parent, and acoholic, family, exhibits most of the traits that this book ascribes to me, while I lack them. That is not to say that my experience as a "child of divorce" was not the same as other "children of divorce", but that my worldview and personality were not necessarily shaped by the fact that my parents divorced when I was 5.
Rating: 
Summary: A Paradigm Shift
Review: As a child of divorce who is the same age as Wallerstein's test subjects, I was particularly interested to hear what she had to say. From the very first pages I was shocked at how groundbreaking and accurate her observations are. She immediately debunks a commonly held theory, namely that children are resilient and quickly bounce back from a divorce. This is not at all the case, Wallerstein argues, rather the effects are not immediately apparent and come into play much later in life when those children look to form their own marriages. The insights continue from there. Never before had I read a book that actually made me cry. That is exactly what happened as Wallerstein articulated ideas that helped me come to grips with thoughts and emotions that had largely lurked in the background for years. 'The day my parents divorced was the day my childhood ended' comments one of her subjects, a statement that resonated so deeply I found tears running down my face. Any child of divorce should read this book, at the very least to gain some insight into some of the feelings you have, or patterns of behavior you exhibit. For me, there were so many examples that hit home, I cannot overstate the value of this study. Read it, you might just learn something about yourself. I've read some critiques of this work which, to be honest, sound largely like they were written by people who divorced and don't want to feel guilty about the effects that it will invariably have on their children. Much of the criticism focuses on the perception that Wallerstein is urging people to stay in bad marriages for the sake of the children. Not only is this erroneous but, sadly, it misses the vast majority of the value that this work provides: the real life experiences of children of divorce and their attempts to deal with the impact of that life-altering event.
Rating:
Summary: Hands down the single best book on divorces' effect.
Review: I am a fast reader usually completing a book this size in one or two days, yet I have spent two weeks reading the re-reading this volume. The information is not in the strict sense a scientific study and doesn't claim to be although some have criticized it on this basis. Rather it is a collection of representative individuals and their reactions to parental break ups. The issue of divorce's effect upon children is emotionally charged on every side and those most critical seem to be so percisely because this book hits a raw nerve, but it is no less a raw nerve that that struck amoung us who would support "Unexpected Legacy's" conclusions. My parents divorced 30 years ago this year and I am amazed at the effect it has had in shaping my life. As I read I cried to think that at last someone was speaking up for all of us children who were raped of our childhood by our parent's selfishness. I read about uinfair visitation schedules and I literally shook with rage that what was done to me was done to so many other children. Then I read about step family relations and there I saw once more the same tragic behaviors and the evil woman who ended what remained of my relationship with my father. I have never shed a tear over my father's death, but it hurt more than I can say to have attended his funeral and known no one there except my own exqually excluded siblings from the first marriage. The book talked about economic losses children experience when the father remarries and failed to mention the huge loss face when the remarried parent dies. My father ws a very wealthy man and all of us children from the first marriage have had to get along on the most minmal of help from him in college and beyond. I watched my parents benefit from the estates of their parents and it helped them build a secure future, but not one of us received one cent from his estate, nor did any of the grandchildren. His new wife got everything and her children will when she dies. She to add insult to injury mailed us every picture he had that contained any child or grandchild from his first marriage. She had always wanted us to just disappear and in the end she got her wish. I read the stories of others and realized we weren't the only ones to get treated this way. It happens all the time! If you are involved in divorce in any way shape or form you need this book. If your a parent getting divorced you need it even more, but the sad and tragic fact is those who are responsible for so much suffering in the children's lives are too guiltridden to be reminded of their failings. I have intentionally avoided thinking about this subject for years and in reading this book I allowed the feelings to all come back. I found myself, mad as hell, and bitterly resentful. But those feelings have by-in-large settled over the year into a bitterness that I have to fight so many problems and carry so many burdens my friends with intact families don't. I am thankful for the understanding gained
Rating:
Summary: Important for EVERYONE - schools, parents, judges, kids
Review: I stumbled upon this book while doing research for a paper I was writing about the advantages and disadvantages of single parenting. So many people quoted this book that I decided to buy it and read it for myself. It came yesterday and once I opened it, I could not put it down and read the entire thing in one evening. The book has been criticed as unscientific because it only followed about 100 people for the full 25 years of the study. However, I'm 25 now, and I can safely say that the book was right on target with absolutely everything. Wallerstein described her findings of following children from divorced families from the time of divorce through their adulthood - a full 25 years! I never thought I was affected by the divorce of my own parents - just really accepted my reality as quite normal. I identified with each section of the book and was shocked to find myself crying on many pages. Most psychological studies use statistics and questionaires withe check-boxes to compile data. Wallerstein got to actually KNOW each child/adult and was able to share their experiences with the world. Usually, I find "self-help" books to be corny, and not really useful in any way. This book was definitely not a self-help book. It is written with several audiences in mind. Any parent contemplating a divorce should read it. Period. If they do get divorced, they will have a MUCH better understanding of how it might affect their children and will therefore have a basis for mitigating those problems. ALL adult children of divorce shoudl read it. We've got a nation of 20-and30-somethings that are figuring out that they all have strange quirks when it comes to life and relationships, and can't imagine the connection to thier parents. This book goes a long way in explaining those things, and showing several "happy-ending" stories that came from rough starts. Anyone working in the legal profession (lawyers, judges, mediators, spouses) should read it because this book is written mostly for one purpose: to describe how divorce affects the CHILD in the long-term. Despite my own personal experiences, I was surprised to learn how much could be accomplished that benefits children (in the short and long-term) if the people in the legal system just had a deeper understanding of the effects of their actions. Finally, anyone married or seriously invovled with a person whose parents were divorced shoudl read this book to understand "where they're coming from". Only then, when tiny issues and larger issues are recognized, can they be dealt with. As I said, I'm not a particulary troubled person by any means, but this book was helpful beyond what I could have imagined- despite the other great reviews on this site!
Rating: 
Summary: Love sometimes dies, but not for the children.
Review: In thesis, this ambitious study set out to explore perceptions and experiences of family members, particularly the children, following divorce. Called the 'largest such research project ever undertaken,' it started in 1971 with sixty families of white, middle-class members, married nine years or more and had at least one child.
Based on the Children of Divorce Project, it included five assessments, initial, 18-month, 5 yr., 10 yr., then this '25 Year Landmark Study' but the conclusions are still up in the air. Most of these adults were well educated, with 80% having a B.A. or B.S. college degree and 30% had gone on to receive a grad degree. Forty percent had some college, and 42% had a high school diploma.
A clinical psychologist and specialist on divorce and its after effects on the children, Judith Wallerstein attempted to show how these children who survived the upheaval and turmoil of a divided family often had to raise themselves. Many had to learn about true love for another person can be achieved through trial and error. There will always be failures and successes in every phase of life. Divorce is not the end, sometimes it's a beginning to a better world of freedom where they can find their heart's desires. I've found that for many of us, we never end up marrying our first loves. Why's that? Maybe divorce is the answer.
People who were younger when their parents divorced looked less competent overall 25 yrs. later. This was most notable in girls who had been pre-schoolers and in boys who had been early school age when the divorce occurred. Of those, 60% fall below average in their functioning in social relationships. Some reject their parents when they grow up and refuse contact after they have families of their own.
They regard their parents' divorce as a terrible failure and feel they'll end up doing the same. Many adults stay in unhappy marriages just to avoid a divorce. The proper time to begin helping 'children of divorce' learn how to choose a mate is during mid-adolescence, a time when attitudes toward oneself and relationships with the opposite sex are beginning to gel. This is the time when worries about sex, love, betrayal, and morality take center stage.
At a recent play performance of 'The Lion in Winter' at the Black Box theater, the parents set the worst possible examples for their three sons with plodding and conniving to harm the other. They were prime subjects for divorce but, being Catholic, could only contemplate annulment in their mid years -- as they basically disliked each other and the three grown sons, who wished them dead. Sometimes, it harms the children more to watch such pain and maneuvering by unfaithful and unloving parents.
Teenagers need to see a healthy way to resolve tensions. The question is, can an educational intervention such as this Study replace the learning that occurs naturally over many years within the family?
In the studies for this project, the children took many paths, but all changed in the wake of divorce. Since these youngsters' character and conscience were still being formed during the post-divorce years, the new roles they assumed in the family had profound effects on who they became and on the relationships they established when they reached adulthood.
They will always wonder what motivated their parents' decision to divorce and if they were the cause for it. Sometimes, love dies -- but life goes on in a different form. That is the 'unexpected legacy of divorce'!
Other books (oversize paperbacks) in this series include:
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,
Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce,
Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce, and (following this 25-yr Landmark Study)
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce (2003)
Rating:
Summary: Shining Light on the Truth
Review: It's too bad that people are picking this book apart as a purely scientific study, void of any emotional weight, when divorce is NOT scientific! It is a holistic event for everyone involved: emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical torture - especially for the children. The authors' main purpose is to shed the light of truth on the complete misconceptions and lies that divorced parents chow down on a regular basis to make their guilty indigestion better (I like to call it the "Magical Tums"). It is not to continue to make everyone feel better about this individual and societal phenomenon. It's the truth - it hurts and it heals. Having your family completely rip apart into shreds and shower around you is not a pleasant event, no matter your income or geographical situation. This event colors the perspectives of every member of the broken family for many years (usually a lifetime), and Wallerstein's study is helpful in understanding that there is a shared multitude of complicated feelings, situations, and struggles that a child of divorce may experience. I saw myself, my brother, my husband, my best friend, and many other people that I have known in this book. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is touched by divorce and is seeking some healing. It is not the end all to be all guide to life, but it was so helpful to this child of divorce that I heartily give this book a "rock on!".
Rating:
Summary: Refeshingly honest
Review: Let's begin with who won't like this book. People who want an easy out and are used to excuse making, passing the buck or simply prefer their head in the sand to fresh air and sunshine. In a day and age where adults try and rationalize or make excuses for the bad behavior and poor choices they freely make it is always nice to read a book that is "politically incorrect" and blunt enough to tell adults who choose to bring children into the world that maybe thinking is an important habit to get into. Her study was nor flawed. It only seems so to those who have a lifestyle of wanting what they want and all others be damned. Fact is negative behavior as she shows, has negative results. Treat a child as a second thought and elevate ones own selfish wants above the bigger picture and children pay. And pay big time. Both my husband and I are from families of divorce. His parents divorced when he was small, mine separated a month before I got married. The scars are there. The fear of abandoment and learning to trust and stay the course and not bail when small or big challenges arise. The author shows that the human ego is a big part of the problem. She also seems to grasp from reading other works like The Good Marriage etc. that marriages that surivive do so for a simple reason that I call "the marriage vows". Where couples actually remember that they vowed "For worse...in sickness...for poorer". And where each partner looked beyond just what they wanted but what was required of them. This is important when, as the author shows, when children are involved and one parent for whatever reason gets bored, unhappy or tired and wants to bail, thinking anything must be better than where they are at. The author does NOT say that someone who is in an abusive marriage should EVER stay. She is speaking about the majority of marriages where there is no violence etc, but simply one or both of the spouses, sees greener pastures.
Rating:
Summary: Phenomenal!!
Review: Like many others who have read this book, I always wondered what was wrong with me. I connected with this book and was in tears by the end of the first page. I finally had answers for the reasons that I did so many of the things that I did to sabotage relationships. This is an honest look at how my parents divorce 27 years ago is still affecting me, and my relationships with others.
I agree with other reviews that have stated the demographics of the test group are skewed, but as someone who grew up in this affluent area of California, it made my connection to the book even stronger.
I also agree that not all children are as negatively affected as the book states, but there are always exceptions to the rule, and I think that this book takes a look at how the majority of children are affected.
It may not be the most scientific study on the subject, but it is fabulous in what it does offer. I highly suggest it as a must read for any child of divorce, and as a guide for their parents to help them overcome some of the negative psychological effects of divorce which affect the majority of children.
Rating:
Summary: Required reading for all parents contemplating divorce!
Review: Simply, this book was painful to read. I saw shades of not only my brothers but myself all throughout this book. As a child of divorce, I heard the stories. "If your parents aren't happy together, that will only hurt you. Apart, they can be happy and be better parents to you." The author demonstrates with real accounts, not propoganda from either side of the political spectrum, that those stories are lies, through and through. Divorce hurts kids, period. Story upon story documents that the parents and the system see children as property to be "FedEx'd" back and forth for visitation. The author argues that children are growing people, and they are the _most_ important part of a marriage. Parents should respect their stewardship of their children and consider what paths they take. The book is also a shot across the bow of every parent contemplating divorce--take a step back and ask yourselves: for whom am I getting this divorce? Except in the most extreme cases of abuse, you act in YOUR interests only, not the children's. They are hurt by it, for many years to come. In summary, it's a profound documentation of the selfishness of divorce and the toll that divorce takes on its most helpless participants, the children.
Rating:
Summary: Divorce Culture's Lies Revealed!!
Review: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is an important book. Using a twenty-five year study the author debunks all of the myths of the divorce culture in which we now live. These lies: that children are resilient and will 'bounce back', that little children don't know what's going on, that when parents are happy their children will be happy, that not fighting in front of children shields them from the effects of divorce, that divorce is a temporary crisis in the child's life, and that as soon as the splitting parents stabalize their lives the children will recover, are demolished point by point. The author demonstrates, through examples in her case studies, that: very little children experience very big feelings about divorce (including rage and fear), that each lifestage a child goes through causes them to re-live the divorce again in some new way, that divorce causes personal and relationship issues for the children well into adulthood, and that the divorce culture is creating a new generation of people who choose not to marry and risk reliving their parents mistakes. The author also takes on the important, if uncomfortable, truth that parents do not usually want to do the work of taking on the issues that their divorce creates for their children. Not fighting in front of the children isn't enough. Children need to be given opportunities to express their anger at having their lives torn apart, their homes and friends snatched away, and time with their parents disappear. The author points out that parents are usually more concerned with dealing with their own issues surrounding the divorce, working on new relationships, and rebuilding their personal social lives. The children of divorce are typically left on their own emotionally, sometimes literally. She also addresses the issue of children having to adjust to new step-parents, lovers, and step-siblings. The problem of competition between children and step parents is also treated with frankness. Children are far too often given short shrift when a new step-parent feels threatened or that the child is taking up too much: time, space, money, attention, etc. The author is admirably blunt in stating that if forced to choose, parents more often than not choose the new spouse over their child. This is an important work that should serve as a wake-up call. Divorce hurts children. Children of divorce are more likely to get divorced, creating more hurt children. Our society cannot survive too many more generations of this cycle before we implode upon ourselves. Read this book.
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