Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

Rating:
Summary: A New Clarity, Breakthrough in Understanding!
Review: Clarity!

This book is awesome. It offers understanding where no one else does. I truly believe it is new groundbreaking insight into the world of the Controlling Person. I say this with confidence because I, like the reviewer "Alliasus" here, have also read stacks and stacks of psychology and self help books in all-out effort to understand my Controlling Person husband of 18 years.

En route, I gained lots of helpful insight, but, NO insight, at all, as to why he is the way he is. On this basis I can say I don't believe this information existed until Patricia Evans wrote this book. I think this is all-new insight, and counselors and lay people alike really need to read it!

I think when people begin to discover this book there will be no stopping it. Because there are legion of us out here who live in relationships that make no sense. Our partners act awful and senselessly, but yet, we know in our hearts they are not evil at heart, and our hope in humankind says there must be some sense to this? Well, there is. Patricia Evans finally makes sense of it in this book.

What a relief, to have the pressing mystery solved. When you are a woman and this is your marriage, the mystery rather takes over your whole life. It is a major epiphany to finally get the light of understanding. Therefore, I understand exactly why yet another well-read reviewer here says that this book is second only to the Bible. I know just what she means. The Bible is the most important book in my life too. I know I will always have this book (Controlling People) right up there on my list of most important books I have ever read in my life. Bible-Lovers: this doesn't mean Patricia Evans has Bible quotes in here. There are none. But, she speaks truth in this book, and you will recognize truth when you see it.

What a disservice the editorial reviewer, Susan E. Burdick, has done here at the top of this review page - telling librarians through the Library Review magazine that this book belongs in the hands of lay counselors. No way, Ms. Burdick! As the readers here attest, this is Every Person's book. Evans writes extremely clearly, and her unique style is absolutely engaging. Ms. Burdick makes quite a pressumption, an ignorant one, when she says "lay readers who feel controlled will find this a hard read." On the contrary, those of us involved in controlling relationships will not be able to put this book down, and will want to start back in the beginning and read it a 2nd and 3rd time.

I shudder to think what kind of impact Burdick's review might have. Will her influence discourage some librarians from ordering this book, keeping it out of the hands of the many persons in every town, no matter how small, who need this book? What a shame. I hope another Editorial Reviewer will review this. I do not expect Burdick to get a second on this one.

Rating:
Summary: Significant book for understanding human behaviour
Review: I am a mature student of social anthropology, currently on fieldwork in Australia. I observed the phenomenon in the field, wrote 'controlling people' in a search machine, and that is how I found the book. I read it in one go. The insights are just amazing.

Psychology is my long-standing interest, and I have read both professional and popular books on different subjects. This is one of the most impressive works I have come across. Free from the professional jargon - brave choice on the part of author - the principles and the insights are described extraordinarily well. The explanatory power of this book is astonishing. I really wonder what methods did the author use to reach her insights.

A week after I read the book, in the field, I was approached by a scary person who staged a controlling attack at me. He was a true bully. I was pretty scared, but thanks to having read this book so recently, I managed to recognise the behaviour and defend myself. Not as if I could not have defended myself otherwise. Only now I used a fragment of time I would have used before to understand what is going on, and I could understand the strategies as the person was using them, and respond appropriately. He did get very angry because he could not control me, and tried all kinds of strategies for an hour, but in the end I just walked away.

I admire the author's ability to describe and demystify the controlling people in such a calm manner. She explains how people become controlling without judging them for it. This does not mean that they cannot be dangerous, or that we have to accept their behaviour; to the contrary. But she gives an explanation, not the judgement; this is important distinction. This means that the book is meant as a self-help book for both the controlling people capable of recognising the behaviour in themselves, and their victims. It also has broader implications for all studies of human behaviour. I will certainly re-read it, and reflect on it more.

Rating:
Summary: Don't tell me about what MY EXPERIENCES are!
Review: I found this book to be helpful in communicating with one who tends to attempt to understand and define me by telling me what I am experiencing. By identfying this specific behaviour, among others in her book, Patricia Evans assists readers in themselves becoming more aware of the tendencys of controlling people so that one can be more effective in responding to such innapropriate behavior at the moment it occurs. While she does lack detailed explaination of HOW to respond to controllers, I think that her very identification of what behaviours ARE controlling alone is immensely valuable. I found that her book is a tool which provided the language and coherence to previously undefinable FEELINGS about what was occuring to me. Experiences with a controller are now much clearer, and rather than realize what happened AFTER the fact, it is easier to prevent being contolled in the moment one attempts to understand me and their world through inappropriate methods of controlling me. Those experience can now be more effectively talked about in a LOGICAL thoughtful manner to those who need to hear about them- controllers themselves. As an example, it is now much easier to point out "What you are doing is telling me what I am experiencing-- and that's just not appropriate" rather than try to argue about any particular opinions or statements of another. It is very effective to emphazize "This is MY experience" Even a controller will recognize that they can't tell another what is being experienced, and once this is pointed out they will gain a better perspective of BOTH themself and one they have attempted to define. That re-framing and re-focusing the situation to one of a clearer perspective is immensely helpful. A primary problem with controlling people is often that they tend to lack the empathy and awareness of other's feelings, and in their self absorption of THOUGHT and rational being, they rationalize and then TELL others how things SHOULD be, or how things ARE from their perspective alone. Patricia Evan's book offers valuable insight in understanding the world from the eyes of one who is controlling, whether intentional or not! This understanding alone is valuable in dealing with controlling people.

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Summary: Patricia Evans' book will change lives!
Review: Some books are good, others are great, and then there are those that change lives. Patricia Evan's latest book, Controlling People, will change lives. In her first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans pulled back the curtain on the "Wizard" of verbal abuse, to reveal varying realities and control techniques existing in verbally abusive relationships. In Controlling People, Patricia Evans takes us on a journey through the "Wizard's" inner workings, in what can best be described as an unprecedented comprehensive analysis of controlling behaviors in verbally abusive relationships.
Facing the ominous task of revealing one of our cultures long-ignored social taboos, Controlling People, as the title suggests, takes its reader on a step-by-step analysis of how we can recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control us. In doing so, Patricia Evans continues to offer validation, strength, and hope to those who have suffered in verbally abusive relationships. Controlling People not only reveals these behaviors for what they really are, but then goes further in analyzing, and providing a conceptual vocabulary that makes it possible to discuss, address, understand, and deal with controlling behaviors. The Verbally Abusive Relationship introduced us to new concepts and vocabulary in a world of dysfunctional interpersonal communication which was relatively uncharted. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans introduced us to Reality I, and Reality II, perspectives, as well as signs to help us identify verbally abusive relationships. The articulation and establishment of these concepts and vocabulary made possible, for the first time, a meaningful dialogue on verbally abusive relationships.
Controlling People takes it to the next level by introducing us to more details and sophisticated concepts - Disconnections and Backwards Connections; The Pretend Person and Giving up the Anchor of Pretend Person; Silencing Separateness; The Spell, The Spellbound, and The Spell Breakers; Confabulation and Clarity - Concepts which will continue to revolutionize continuing dialogue in the realm of verbally abusive relationships and associated controlling behaviors.
Written in a manner which can be easily followed and clearly understood by both layperson and professional, Controlling People presents an honest, straight-forward and hard-hitting look at verbal abuse related behaviors. Whether the reader is victim, or abuser, this book will not let you escape the truth.

Rating:
Summary: I tried this on my sister...
Review: The concepts in this book may give you some insight as to WHY a person exhibits controlling behavior. However, I agree with another reviewer who thinks that the suggested response may escalate the problem.
Just last night, my "controlling" sister and I entered into yet another hurtful conversation. I finally had the presence of mind (and courage) to try the "what?" tack.
Well, it stopped things. However, there was really nowhere to go from there. She escalated her attack and I was left with one option...to continue to say "what?" I finally tried "nonsense". Sure, it did throw a big monkey wrench into the conversation but I'm not exactly sure why. Finally,, my ever abusive sister came up with "oh, this is a convenient way to avoid a REAL conversation". I had to just walk away. Nothing was happening. Maybe that's a good thing. Who knows.
Beware: an abuser will always up the ante. I have as yet to find a really effective way to stop this abuse. The experiment last night was interesting. I have to admit that as I was waiting for her next jab, having the "what?" as my defense was somewhat of a "shield", but I don't think it really DID anything. I shant try it again because it feels unsafe...that if I do it again, she my rage at me and that is exactly what I am trying to avoid.

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Summary: Cultural Permission of Control
Review: Unfortunately, since the beginning of gender relations, men have been encouraged to control, and society often accepts and rewards their control, having placed women on the back burner for most of their natural born lives. For women to find a man who isn't controlling is much like finding a four leaf clover. Resisting it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, and sooner or later, most women realize that it's futile to try and change it, and simply find ways to ignore it, much the way men find ways to ignore the nagging of females. If women were to design their ideal man, it's unlikely that he would look like the ones that are most common, and oddly enough, some of the best ones never had dads to teach how to be men, but figured it out on their own, offering the women they attach themselves to a little more freedom than might occur otherwise. While it doesn't cure the problems of society, it often makes life more bearable personally. If men were ever to figure out exactly how easily women can make their lives more content and more productive, they might have an incentive to devote significant time to examining how they might make one a part of their lives. Until then, they usually get closer to their dogs, than to their women. If men know the meaning of intimacy, most don't know how to accomplish it, and few bother to try, leaving most women singularly alone trying to figure out how to make their lives more meaningful without it. Since most don't play sports equivalent with the guys, they will never succeed in that manner and often must be content with the sporadic, and unforseen sprinkles of intimacy they do receive from year to year. Over a lifetime, it has the tendency to build into at least a semblance of real value, and therefore, most think it's worth the ride....if one lives long enough to have the benefit of hindsight. Few women today make it that far, and it's not surprising. After all, who wants to be subservient to a commander all of the time? Even soldiers get R & R on occasion. If men continue to insist upon being commanders, the world should encourage them, and teach them to be better ones.