Men Who Can't Love

Rating:
Summary: I thought it was ME
Review: All I can is wow. After 2.5 years of an on and off relationship and so much pain and hurt, I still can't believe what happened. I met my x boyfriend and he was SO into me. After a month of dating, he told me he was in love with me and the intensity of our relationship was just out of control. After 5 months, I brought up us going away together and out of nowhere he broke up with me. After a week, he called me and was like I can't think straight--so we got back together. During the course of our relationship, I did see certain signs of his commitmentphobia, but was so in love with him and our relationship...I was completely blinded. I should have known that when I would try to make plans a few days in advance, and he would criticize me, that he was majorly sick.

We eventually broke up over a year ago and of course he did come back--not only did he come back but he said he wanted to marry me and that I was the one. Well, this was on and off as usual and he kept saying he had AMBIVALENT feelings about me. This had gone on and off up until this February--he even told me he loved me. Finally I couldn't take anymore and said I couldn't have him in my life. Then he told me I was not the one. 2 weeks later he started seeing someone else, but showed up at my house and has recently been calling me at all hours of the night. I told him last week to leave me alone. This was until a WEEK AGO.

This book gave a lot of insight but it still doesnt make the hurt and the pain go away. Yes, I know it is NOT me....but it still doesnt it make it much better. This man (27) put me through the ringer and I am in serious therapy. How can he have a girlfriend when he is commitment phobic? It probably makes sense since their is some location distance and age seperation. Why is he still calling me when he is with someone else.

One thing is for sure, I can not look at him or even think about him with one ounce of seriousness. He'll do the same thing to his current girlfriend, I just really hope he never comes back to me. The emotional and verbal abuse...I look back now and think I must have been SO stupid. I sympathize with ANY woman who has gone thru this or currently going thru it. This type of relationship or break up from this type of relationship can take years to get over-- it's happening to me. PLEASE READ THIS BOOK if you think your boyfriend or husband may exude some of these qualities. It would have saved me and my self esteem.

This book shows you about how these men will NEVER change. Even if they say they want to...BARELY can they make a commitment to taking care of themselves. I think they hate themselves inside. My ex is a drug user and on top of his commitment issues, he has the most unrealistic expectations of people, especially women. Commitmentphobes live in a fantasy world.

Thank you for writing these books to help women like me.

Rating:
Summary: The commitment Phobic
Review: I am a male that was invovled in a 2 year relationship with a commitment phobic woman. I read this book and found that the information applied to her as well as men described in the book. In fact, she had the exact symptoms and criteria. This book helped me to let go and move on and realize the absolute futility of the relationship with a commitment phobic. Until reading this book I was in a lot of pain and confusion, never understanding what was really going on. This was my first and hopfully last realtionship with a person with this problem. It is the most painful of relationships to be involved in.

Rating:
Summary: Right on target
Review: I could never understand why my ex-commitment phobe was so unbelievably wonderful the first month of our relationship. He talked about a future together, he made a concerted effort to spend time with me...surely these are not things someone does when they are afraid of commitment? But this book helped me to understand that's EXACTLY what commitment phobics are like in the beginning. As my ex began to emotionally shut down and give me constant mixed messages, it became obvious that he was exactly the type of person described in this book--trapped in a fantasy world and too lazy and/or afraid of what to do when a relationship moved past the infatuation stage. The book is very helpful in distinguishing the differences between a man who only wants a chase and a man who wants an intimate, committed relationship. The downside of the book is that it gets very repetitive, and sometimes takes a whole chapter to say something that would be better explained in one paragraph. In spite of that, I recommend this book for anyone who just can't figure out why they are getting so many mixed messages from a significant other.

Rating:
Summary: Reviews Offer Support
Review: I read this book for the first time around the 7th year of living with my ex but would not believe that my love could not slay all the demons that haunted him. Year after year the pain and devastation kept getting worse. He went from "I want you,love you, your my soulmate and I can't live without you -to-this marraige is a fake, I can't stand to be around you, you destroyed my life, I never want to see you again, it feels good to finally be totally honest with my NEW woman!!...This year the "marriage" finally ended after 10 years of emotional abuse and denial with the worst behavior coming after I became extremly ill and thereby represented responsibility and committment. He was literally incapable of caring for me... Two weeks before I was scheduled for major surgery he had his stuff packed and was out the door and starting over with the NEW love of his life. It seems like I have been asleep for 10 years and I just can't wake up!! It has only been 2 months since I last saw or spoke to him. I left the U.S. in order to stop myself from begging him to work it out! I am now re-reading my new copy of "MEN WHO CAN'T..." to get over the guilt that I somehow failed him and to find answers to how and why I believed he ever loved me. My emotions vacillitate daily from guilt and missing him to anger for being made to believe I was "crazy" and not entitled to experience the pain of rejection, abandonment, and emotional unavailability.Reading these reviews confirm that I am NOT crazy and I am NOT alone.

Rating:
Summary: How about "Women Who Can't Love?"
Review: I've read the reviews for this book, and it sounds very good. The thing is, I'm a man who is just coming out of a relationship with a woman who was commitment-phobic and who would pull away as soon as things got good. Men are not the only ones out there like this, especially as women have gotten more independent and self-sufficient. The woman I was with from the beginning said that she had issues when things got too close in a relationship. She said she would put up her "defensive walls" and back off if she felt too pressured by anyone she was involved with. I should have listened. Instead I pursued her, thinking her to be the love of my life. For the first few months, she was, and she would openly discuss marriage, kids, and "living happily ever after." Unfortunately, as things got too close for her, it was not to be, and she found excuses (work, family, etc.) to not make as much time for me. She also instigated arguments in order to put some space between us.

Authors, it's time for a book on this subject for us men! "Women Who Can't Love" would probably be just as successful a book as this one. In the meantime, I found "He's Scared, She's Scared" to be very good. I'm just looking for something that comes a little more from the male's point of view in these types of destructive and sad relationships.

Good luck to all in your future relationships!

Rating:
Summary: interesting yet misguided
Review: Steven Carter's first salvo fired in the "commitmentphobia" canon is a passionate yet not persuasive read. I'll quickly dock it one star for its rather sexist title (how about "Women Who Desperately Chase Unavailable Men"...?).

Many case studies are presented, mostly told from the female side. Carter does give a good list of warning signs of someone who is afraid of commitment or bails early in relationships, but what he fails to do is examine the behaviors and motivations of the women, i.e. desperately pursuing unavailable partners, addiction to drama and chaos (e.g., he doesn't want her, but it sure is exciting!!!), masochistic tendencies, the dysfunctional trait of equating love with helplessness and misery, and trying to resolve childhood issues through relationships.

A long middle chapter tells about how a woman spent years trying to pin down a *married* man. Yes, that's right, a married man. This man was unavailable from the get-go, and yet the book describes the relationship as his failure to respond to her deep love for him. It never examines how she may be avoiding realistic love by projecting all her feelings and fears onto a man who is in another committed relationship. I'm quite sure that if the woman described met a man who was single and available, she'd be bored to tears.

The book never examines how people being "scared" by a relationship may be caused by someone pushing for too much, too soon. For instance, many cases in this book never make the connection that the male partner backs away when the woman begins acting like they are already married...after three dates.

It takes two to tango in any romantic situation, yet what is presented in this book is that all men are scum who prey on vulnerable women who are available for commitment, while seeming to mask the real problem: A lot of people only feel safe to love someone who is completely unavailable for a relationship.

Rating:
Summary: Thank you
Review: This book has helped me understand 'what happened' in my relationship with my ex. I'm not completely convinced that my ex is a commitmentphobic but he displays most of the signs. His exes had all dumped him (poor thing) though he saw that things weren't good for awhile before they broke up (He even proposed to one because he felt pressured only to have her break up with him two months later.) It took him 10 years to graduate college, he still hasn't found a job/profession that he could stick to. He had never bought a house or furniture nor lived on his own. He would even bring an extra shirt with him when we went out in case he changed his mind on what to wear. He even had problems committing to what he would order at a restaurant we always ate at! Writing this down, is embarassing. Why didn't I see? He came on so strong at first, I found myself putting on the brakes. I had lots of doubts, but he was so sweet and attentive and so sure that there was something special going on between us. He even took me to a family gathering on our third date. It was only when I started warming up to the idea that we might work, that he started 'changing'. Unforunately my ex was 'too nice' to ever blame or attack me in hopes of pushing me away, I think he knew I wouldn't stand for that. He would just disappoint me over and over with little things (promising to call and not, showing up late w/o calling, leaving early, avoiding confrontation, etc.), and then apologize, grovel and plead for me not to leave when he pushed me to the edge. He never fought with me. I didn't see it, but the relationship turned me into the exact opposite of the person that he was initially drawn to. I didn't recognize myself anymore. After I finally realized I spent more time crying and being miserable when I thought of him than being happy, I broke up with him and when he asked if he could still call me, I said no. And he hasn't. (He went from calling and seeing me 6 days a week to nothing.) He wanted out, but he made me feel so bad and guilty for leaving. I was so angry, hurt, confused, and scared. I bought this book hoping to find answers...especially now that I was feeling like he dumped me long before I broke up with him. After reading this book, I feel sad and comforted that so many others have gone through some form of this rejection, and I fear falling into another one of these relationships in the future. I feel like this book gives you insight in being able to spot warning signs and not fall into the same trap. Essentially, don't compromise yourself for love. After much reflection, I realize I fell in love with the affection and attention and not with him. I had a very hard time identifying the qualities and character traits that I admired in him except that he admired me. And that is very scary and hard to deal with...I compromised without realizing it. While I'm still on the path toward healing, my urge to get answers from him is waning and I'm preparing myself for the day he tries to contact me. (if he does.) I just wish there was something that be done so that he doesn't make someone else go through the hell I'm going through. (Also: For those of you who have read the book: It's been 6 weeks and he still hasn't returned my things. And I won't be asking for them; let him keep them.)

If any of this sounds familiar, you should consider reading this book.

Rating:
Summary: Amazing!!
Review: This book is essential for any woman who feels CRAZY from all the mixed messages she receives from one of these men. I recently ended a relationship with the poster child for passive-aggressive, selfish commitmentphobes and I have never seen a more absurdly accurate description of what these guys put us through. It is literally a play-by-play handbook of my relationship and how he behaved in every single situation over the past 4 years. It enables you to predict his next move with 100% accuracy which gives YOU 100% of yourself back. You will regain your sanity, your dignity and complete control in your relationship because you'll know exactly what to expect from him for a change! I could have saved myself 3 years and 11 months. Trust me, this book will validate your experience when he has you convinced that you're over-the-edge and his behavior is perfectly normal, oh - and he really does love you! (too bad he only shows it when you leave him). Trust me, these guys will play with your head and break your heart for as long as you let them and trust me - they don't change! This book proves it to you by exposing their game. When you see how absurdly predictable they are, you will finally have the validation you need to trust your instincts over his word. By the time you finish the last chapter and test some of the examples, you will have lost any shred of doubt in yourself and every ounce of respect for him. Having this information in black and white really makes it easy to end your relationship once and for all without any of the guilt you've become so accustomed to. You'll finally be free to find a real man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Thank You Steven and Julia!

Rating:
Summary: That was my entire relationship that I just read about!
Review: We lasted one year...and I fell for it, 6 times. And it was around the third break-up that I read the book...but I chose to ignore the wisdom in its pages and instead believe in exceptions to the rule--surely, HE'S different. What a mistake! Please don't put yourself through a cycle of madness. Commitment-phobia isn't some fictitious problem. It's as real as the pain that you may still be feeling right now. Curtain calls are real, and he will do them over and over...and not respect your desire for space and need for closure. He'll get you when you're most vulnerable...manipulate situations...and you won't even see it coming because you're still thinking about the first time he ever said "I love you." Please, as you've read these other countless reviews...see that you are not alone. READ THIS BOOK...it will enlighten you, and show you his patterns from A to Z. This is the type of man who wouldn't have remorse for leaving you standing at the altar. Be strong, and end it now.