Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce : How to Divorce with Grace, a Little Class, and a Lot of Common Sense

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Summary: A Needed Reference in Today's Society!
Review: A divorce is rarely a pleasant experience. And during the past several decades, more and more Americans are going through just that experience. Many factors are involved in the increase in divorces in the United States, but it seems today that the most common complaint of the spouses involved is that one of the parties to a marriage is no longer happy with the other partner. This is in contrast to the usual complaints in the past of adultery, desertion, abuse, alcoholism, and so forth, which were the main reasons for one of the spouses (usually the wife) to file for a divorce. Since the 1970s and the beginning of the "no-fault" divorce concept, divorces have been easier to obtain and the divorce statistics have risen. But a divorce, regardless of the cause or causes, remains a painful experience for most people.

This book by lawyer and human behavior expert Sam Margulies is primarily for men, hence its title. It is designed as a guidebook for men who may be facing a divorce or thinking about a divorce. Tragic and unpleasant as getting a divorce may be, Margulies argues that it is possible to have a "civilized" divorce without the rancor and pain usually accompanying that process. What? A civilized divorce? Yes, that is exactly what the author proposes and he shows how to go about it through the procedure known as "mediation." The advantage of mediation in a divorce proceeding is that, for the most part, mediation keeps the process largely out of the law courts and generally out of the hands of attorneys who depend on an adversarial method for resolving problems.

According to Margulies, "The divorce mediation movement . . . began in the late 1970s when a group of reform-minded lawyers began to collaborate with psychologists and family therapists who were appalled by the carnage they were witnessing in the divorce courts." Over the past ten years, this movement has acquired momentum although it was, in the beginning, received with great hostility by many members of the legal community. The author, who has acted as a mediator himself in thousands of divorce cases over the years, has organized this guidebook for those who seek, then, what he calls a "civilized" divorce, beginning with how to choose a mediator in the first place -- and he includes specific pointers on what to look for in a mediator when searching for one.

A "good" divorce can be distinguished from a bad one, says Margulies, by considering the following six criteria: (1) an emotional divorce occurs, that is, the parties are no longer emotionally tied to one another through negative emotions; (2) both parties rebuild their lives, that is, they have succeeded in building new lives for themselves; (3) both parties think the agreement is fair; (4) the former spouses are able to cooperate as parents; (5) the children are comfortable in each household; and (6) the former spouses can resolve disputes themselves or through further mediation, not having to resort to the legal system regarding problems in the future. If this sounds like an idealized situation, an impossible dream, an unachievable goal, the author assures us it is not, and he provides dozens of practical illustrations based on real people and real divorces with which he has been associated.

Although Margulies devotes an entire chapter to an overview of divorce law, the major thrust of his book is providing advice on settling a divorce through mediation, without getting into an unnecessary and painful legal mess. There is, for example, practical advice on how to negotiate with the other spouse, how to handle the important matters of child support and alimony, a whole chapter on budgets and possible financial entanglements, and even advice about the dos and don'ts of dating after the divorce. He gets very specific about what self-defeating behaviors to avoid during the mediation process, such as shaming and blaming, acting helpless and passive, being threatening and intimidating, making personal attacks, and cutting off communication with the other party. Furthermore, Margulies provides positive tips for helping the negotiation procedure to be successful, beginning with the initial invitation to your spouse to negotiate through mediation, and continuing with tidbits like "listen more than you talk"; "affirm conciliatory gestures" -- when your wife agrees to something you want, it is important to affirm her for doing so; "pay attention to your tone"; if you are attacked personally by your spouse, don't take the bait; acknowledge your mutual interests and focus on minimizing differences; and, above all, think on the future, not on the past.

This is exactly the book I wish someone had written and I had read when I went through my divorce over twenty-five years ago. According to the criteria for a "good" divorce listed by Margulies in the early part of his book, my divorce process was not good and the divorce was certainly not "civilized." The advice given in this book might have made a real difference if it had been available. Although I have always thought (and continue to think) that divorce is a terrible experience for anyone to go through, the fact is that it is a possible reality for all married couples and an all-too-common component of the American social fabric in this postmodern age. As tragic and undesirable as divorce may be, at least it can be rendered less painful and, yes!, even "civilized," if the advice in Margulies' book is taken to heart and seriously followed. Highly recommended for those (especially the male of the species) who may be faced with the reality of a divorce and also for those within the legal system who may be advising divorcing clients. There is a better way and Margulies offers it to the reader in an easy-to-read text and format.

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Summary: Well-written, Practical, Thorough...and Enjoyable
Review: Enjoyable? Yes, believe it or not. Despite the serious and distressing nature of his topic--divorce--Sam Margulies has managed to make his book readable and even entertaining at times. He brings vast experience, knowledge, insight, compassion and sound judgment to this book--and all of these are leavened with his sense of humor. Divorce is painful and the ability to gently evoke a smile is a welcome gift which Margulies possesses. He clears up misunderstandings about divorce and provides clear, step-by-step guidance for divorcing men. As a mental health professional, I have seen the ravages that divorce can bring, especially to children. Margulies' approach leads to a dignified, humane and civilized process that minimizes emotional damage and trauma to everyone, especially the children. Mediation, which Margulies recommends, is also the most cost-effective way of going through a divorce, so the family's assets are preserved. I can't speak highly enough about this book. It is a must-read for any man who wishes to maintain his own dignity and that of his children while going through a divorce.

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Summary: This Book Is a Major Contribution
Review: I am a divorced woman who has an excellent and amicable relationship with my ex-husband. I attribute much of that to Dr. Margulies. He was our divorce mediator. His book as well as his personal input are largely responsible for the positive outcome of our divorce. We saved a great deal of money on legal fees by using a mediator and have retained a cooperative working relationship around our four children.

I am also a medical writer/researcher and medical social worker. I have recommended Dr. Margulies' books to clients going through divorces. They have all benefited from his approach. They have emerged from the difficult transition of divorce with their autonomy, dignity and children intact. I can't speak highly enough of Dr. Margulies and his work.

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Summary: How to avoid a Kramer vs Kramer type of divorce
Review: I am a single 30 year woman who can honestly say that this book is very deserving of the excellent ratings it has received thus far. I picked up this book mainly out of curiousity because good friend of mine is contemplating divorce and I thought that the content might prove beneficial. I was very impressed. For starters, I really respect the distinction of the author Sam Margulies. Margulies is a divorce lawyer and not just some woman bashing man off the street. He advises men how to calmly broach the subject and actually manages to tackle different scenarios that could and do occur. I found Marguiles advice on how to communicate with women to be dead on. The book is almost a primer on what happens when John Gray's Men are from Mars Women are from Venus doesn't quite pan out. The writing is relativly succinct and the author is very candid. Let's face it, most men shun the idea of therapy and they have very little help out there aside from friends and family to give them advice. Some men won't even go that route. Some men are too scared to consult a lawyer at first. This book is THE book to read when you have decided that you do want a divorce but are in the stuck position where you are too afraid to move forward and not resigned to staying put. It is probably not the best idea to let your spouse know that you're reading this book. I say this because it can in theory help her make your life more difficult. Definitely worth purchasing. It's like having a portable coach on the subject.

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Summary: Inaccurate title
Review: The title of this book should be: "The wealthy, middle-aged man's..." The book has good information, but none of the men in any of the examples in this book make less than $100,000/yr, and all of the advice is geared towards men in their late 40's earning 100K+.
[...]
Example: when advising "us" on the costs expected in setting up a new two-bedroom household, the author claims that it could cost $10-15,000 if we play it safe. In other words, 1/4 of my annual income. I must be a financial genius because somehow I was able to do it for about 1,200.

About me: 28, 2 kids, full-time university employeed computer, programming and design professional. (Haven't had time to get that JD, MD or PhD... yet). I should have known this wasn't the book for me when I read on page one that a 28 yr old guy divorcing 3 years into a marriage could more- or- less write it off without financial difficulty. Uh huh.

That said, you can glean the kernel of the book no matter what: wanting the best for your wife's finances and creating a positive working relationship with her are the two best things a man can to do to ensure that, a) your children are happy, and feel safe, b) you don't waste a lot of money on legal fees, and c) you are "civil".