Rating: 
Summary: Help in dealing with an unfortunate reality for many of us
Review: Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.
The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected. Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."
I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, to many of the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers' true natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and caring of their children, right?
Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward healing. This book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders- which includes other family members.
We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers' destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.
In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother. We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.
The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."
This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.
Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."
Rating:
Summary: a brilliant book on a little-known subject
Review: Secunda points out that our society abhors the idea of a "bad mother" -- it is almost fashionable to have a bad relationship with your father, but never with your mother. If you do, then it is assumed that something in the daughter is lacking. This book examines mother-daughter relationships, but there is advice that men can use as well.The book looks at different types of mothers (physically abusive, guilt-inducers, control feaks, etc) and gives case studies for eac one. Even more important, the book offers practical advice on how to handle each one, all the while acknowledging that it will probably never be easy. Secunda doesn't lie to you but she will try to help you. Very very good.
Rating: 
Summary: Disappointed--Some good thoughts buried in the usual
Review: The author makes some good points, and I like the way she creates "characters" representing the most frequent means of adaptation by both mothers and daughters, but the vast majority of this book seemed like every other self help book I've read. If you haven't read many I would recommend it, but if you have I'd say pass.
Rating:
Summary: must read for those with less than ideal moms
Review: This book examines the usually sacrosanct subject of mother-daughter relationships, offering an insightful and fascinating take on a taboo subject. Mothers can cause friction by being distant, abusive, controlling, smothering, etc., etc. What really matters is that the author describes these things with an eye toward having the reader educate herself and hopefully, move on to a healthier relationship with mom. Secunda examines the roles children play in their families which continue in adulthood. Rather than encourage the reader to break with her parents, she advocates learning your mother's history and examining your own attitudes and behavior. Sometimes a truce is impossible, she acknowledges, and your own mental health should come first, but once you've reached this point using the techniques described in the book, you should be well on your way to living a healthier adult life.
Rating:
Summary: The most helpful book I've ever read!
Review: This book helped me even more than seeing a therapist did. I've read it over and over. I just wish I would have found this book when I was in my early twenties. All different kinds of relationship problems with mothers are covered in this book. I can't think of anything that isn't covered. I am a much happier person after reading this book. It clarifies that I am not alone in my indescribable relationship with my mother.
Rating:
Summary: This book changed my life really!
Review: This book helped me regain my sanity. My mother for lack of a better word is a self-proclaimed matyr and I felt guilty since I can remember for ever making her the least bit uncomfortable, my sister did too. This book helped me realize that just because someone is a mother doesn't make them a good parent and that there are others like me. It takes you through your family's history and helps you to understand why mom may be the way she is and what you can do to deal with (or chose not to deal with) that relationship. I was on the verge of never speaking to my mother or her side of the family again, but this book turned it around and now although I doubt we will ever be like a TV 50s family, I can talk to my mom and she appears to listen to what I say. I highly recommend this book if you are feeling the least bit guilty about what you feel about dear old mom, want to cut her out of your life, or just want to understand why you and your mom have little to nothing in common.
Rating: 
Summary: It will give you insight on your mother/daughter relationshi
Review: This book helped me see for the first time the roles my mother, sisters, and I played out. It made dealing with them an easier task. It also gave me an understanding I would otherwise never of had. This book categories the roles we play in mother/daughter relatiohsips. These roles effects our entire lives. Understanding them gives us the power to change, relate, or move on. After reading this book I understood our families roles. Some I knew could not be changed, others I could live with easier. I would recommend this book (as I have to many) if you are struggling with the relationships in your life.
Rating: 
Summary: Decent but Dated
Review: This was a decent book but not for my generation. The personal stories and descriptions of different kinds of mothers that Victoria Secunda paints is a largely black or white portrait of the mother and daughter relationship that does not leave enough gray area for the average reader to fill in her own blanks. Also, the book itself was written for the Baby Boom generation, my mothers generation, and many of the stories, explanations, were geared directly at that age group so I found that I had problems identifying with who the author was talking to. While many books of this type are universal this is not one of those.
|
