Rating: 
Summary: Some reviewers missed the point.
Review: ...This was not intended to be a self help book for people to use in order to feel better about themselves and their relationships. The book is written by a Sociologist who is sharing her scientific observations. The book consists of facts that she witnessed with these couples. Providing the "other" side would involve fiction. The book requires you to have the ability to be logical and objective, to see why so many marriages fall apart and to go into your relationships with your eyes open. Having the information and choosing to confront the issues rather than remain in denial is how you become part of the minority that stays together. Continuing to look only for the "rosy" facts actually works against you. Educating yourself gives you the tools to confront issues early on in a constructive manner, rather than waiting until it's too late.
Rating:
Summary: The last few chapters of the book of relationships.
Review: I'm very picky and critical of self-help books, but Vaughan's Uncoupling is the next best thing to a counsellor. More than a psych book, it is the definite beginning-middle-end about how couples become uncoupled. I picked up this book by instinct, as I needed to read something--anything--about how relationships end. I don't care about the why's anymore; I just wanted to understand what was happenning in my own relationship. This book will not tell you how to save your relationship, or whether it's worth saving or not. Vaughan argues that there is a pattern to how relationships end. And in the telling, she gives the story that makes sense of everything--and that is all we need when we go row into the choppy waters of a faltering relationship.
Rating:
Summary: If you're approaching an uncoupling, this is a must read
Review: A friend, who found this book very helpful as she experienced her own uncoupling, loaned her very worn copy to me (as she had previously lent it to others). I hate to be a cliche and somehow thought that what I am experiencing as I consider leaving my wife (of 29 years) is unique. Certainly, I am wrestling with a lot of confusion, guilt, and questions. This book, which is very anecdotal and easily read, has provided me great insights regarding the process and the reassuring perspective that there is absolutely nothing that I am experiencing that is unique or unusual. Having read this book, I have a much greater understanding of what is happening and what may lie ahead. I'm buying new copies for myself and my friend, so that we can continue sharing it with others, and will urge my wife to read it.
Rating:
Summary: Compassion, understanding & nationality!
Review: As a divorce author and presenter myself, I heartily salute Vaughan's book! How very well she understands all those human aspects of coming apart, such as "going public" - her Chapter 8. We're social beings, and are a part of many communities -- family, church, work, cultural, social, geographical -- and much of our identity revolves upon our identities in those groups. Few other authors have addressed the far-reaching identity crisis experienced by those who divorce. She understands and emphasizes that the Leaver (or initiator, as she calls him/her) first knows pain; later makes the difficult decision to end the marriage; then agonizes over the pain caused to so many people. Everyone who's ending a long term relationship or a marriage should read this book. In my book "Your Pocket Divorce Guide," I recommend this as an invaluable resource for anyone who needs both the compassion and depth of understanding this author offers. Read it, and consider giving your soon-to-be-ex a copy!
Rating: 
Summary: Excellent
Review: As I read this book, I felt a load lifting from my shoulders. During the intial chapters in the book I read from the "initiators" standpoint, but later I was not so sure whether I was the "initiator" or the "victim". I found I was both. My conclusion is that this book is primarily meant for someone who is either thinking about seperation/divorce or is already divorced. To get to that point the relationship is in decay and this book might help in understanding the roles of the initiator and victim in the relationship. It can help reduce the feelings of guilt or the feeling of self-pity, both of which are self-demeaning.
Rating:
Summary: She shows how predictable it all is. So-o-o predictable.
Review: As I sat on the beach in Hawaii, next to my transitional, reading this book, I discovered to my surprise that mine was not a unique experience. How comforting. How depressing. Good to read before you get married. Essential to read afterwards
Rating:
Summary: Quality Information
Review: As many have stated, this book is not HOW to do anything. It is, however, quality information about what is happening and the thought processes that people go through when they `uncouple.' It is a sociological study of how people go about uncoupling and can therefore be a bit depressing because it focuses on unsuccessful relationships...not on the few who actually do reconcile. I found the book to be fascinating and saw many parallels with my current situation. I could clearly see the process that led my wife to have an extramarital affair and can now recognize that she was emotionally withdrawing herself from our relationship for some time before then. It doesn't make the realization any easier, but at least I can now understand how it happened and how I let it happen.
Rating:
Summary: It begins with a secret
Review: Diane Vaughan says that the death of love begins when one partner cannot hear that the other is unsatisfied. Then, the one who is unsatisfied secretly begins to leave. After that, she says, things go through stages. It seems to be true. So, if you've been dumped, or you've discovered, rather late in the day, that you're about to be dumped -- or if you're thinking about dumping someone -- read this book. It will tell you what to expect.
Rating:
Summary: I could see mirrored what I went through!
Review: Eccellent Book! It is not a self-help book and NOT pessimistic at all!
It showed me clearly the process I went through when I finally left my husband!
Contrary to the negative reviews this book received from some readers who I believe missed the point. The book portrays the dynamics that unfold when a relationship disintegrates!
I recommend it to those people who want to know what goes on within people who decide to terminate a relationship and understand them.
Great book for those people who want a sociological point of view! MOSTLY RECOMMENDED!
Rating:
Summary: The truth hurts
Review: First, although you will probably find this book in the "Self help -- Relationships" section, it is important to be aware that it is not a self help book. It is a sociological study of how relationships break down. It is quite academic but extremely readable. More importantly, it is quite brilliant. Diane Vaughan is so insightful that you will wish she was less so. That's because, whether you are "the initiator" or "the partner" -- the book's idealized protagonists -- you will find out some very uncomfortable things about yourself. For instance, suppose you're the initiator and you've pumped yourself all up to leave with some standard self-help fare about "responsibility to yourself" and "personal development" and all that stuff. This book will rip the carpet right out from under your feet, as you realize that your carefully crafted justifications are just that -- justifications. The initiator wants out of the relationship, and constructs an ideology which will facilitate this. This book is a masterpiece, and so it has flaws. The most obvious is a relentless pessimism which has been commented on by several other reviewers. This is clearly an artifact of the methodology: the author conducted interviews with people whose relationships had ended, thus we don't get even a glimpse of people whose relationships somehow escaped the seemingly inexorable patterns described. Do such relationships exist? I hope so. I don't know whether or not Vaughan comments on this limitation, because not being a sociologist, I skipped the methodology chapter. Although this is not a self help book, I feel that it did benefit me in understanding my own troubled relationship. Trust me, when you see "the initiator" and "the partner", you are going to work to make yourself less like them! I highly recommend this book to anyone who is curious and wants to understand their situation better. But, if you want self-validation, keep well clear!
|
