Rating: 
Summary: Intelligent research
Review: Once again, Victoria Secunda has zeroed in on the core of a family dilemma. This book "Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself" not only has thought-provoking case histories and research numbers. It also has heart-felt, well-written answers to questions I have had for years. Both my parents are deceased, and this book helped me figure out why my life changed so dramatically each time I lost one of them. Our family changed quite a lot--siblings, nieces, aunts all seemed to shift within the family dynamic as pieces on a chess board. This book explains why. Thank you Victoria for another one of your astute books!
Rating:
Summary: Intelligent research
Review: Once again, Victoria Secunda has zeroed in on the core of a family dilemma. This book "Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself" not only has thought-provoking case histories and research numbers. It also has heart-felt, well-written answers to questions I have had for years. Both my parents are deceased, and this book helped me figure out why my life changed so dramatically each time I lost one of them. Our family changed quite a lot--siblings, nieces, aunts all seemed to shift within the family dynamic as pieces on a chess board. This book explains why. Thank you Victoria for another one of your astute books!
Rating:
Summary: Victoria Secunda hits another perfect note!
Review: Victoria Secunda has done it again! Her books have always hit the just right chord with me, but this one was truly exceptional. In the most magnificent way, she has taken a crucial aspect of our lives, re-examined it, and given it back to us in palatable portions. All in such a loving manner as to feel as though we were, (as my mother would have said), wrapped in satin.Not only is this book beautifully written, it is required reading for any adult, whether or not their parents are still alive. Victoria appears to have a unique talent for reaching people (touching their souls) and getting them to reveal their most private selves. Reading the book makes you want to call you sister, brother, or best friend and tell them how you feel. Some books are to be read, page by page, in sequential order. This book doesn't require that of you. Like any good book that has a lesson to give, it is a trusted friend. You can open it up to any page and it will lead you to a new perspective, a new view to think about. As an adult and with both parents gone, it is a great comfort to read a book that is not preachy or judgmental.It's not about the death of our parent(s),it's about our growth(we hope) after their death. While on an intellectual level I know that I am not alone , it is incredibly empowering to see that in print. To learn that there are so many others who have been there before me and have come through the other side has given me a renewed and redirected sense of hope for greater growth. It is a profound feeling. It is never too late to revisit those growing pains and learn from them. Bravo, Victoria Secunda. You are my hero!
Rating:
Summary: A Significant Addition to Ideas About Adult Development
Review: When I described to a friend, another therapist, the thesis of this book, she literally gasped, and responded, "Does she mean that its not enough to 'kill off' your parents, to get rid of childhood introjects, but that the parents acutally have to die in order for adult children to have a chance to reach their full maturity?" I nodded 'yes'. "I don't want to believe that", she said, sadly, with noticeable anxiety. "I don't want to think that I have to die in order for my daughter to feel like a real adult." I understood her pain, and thought to myself, "Maybe what you really don't want to believe is that you will actually die; and that your daughter will have a chance to profit from your death,as well as to mourn your loss." For this is one of the implications - unsettling as it may be to older parents- of Secunda's book about adult orphanhood as "the defining turning point of adult mission is to give birth to children, raise them to be independent enough to try to survive, and then to leave them at the appropriate time so that they, too, might have the chance to develop to their maximum and then teach all that to their own offspring. Steven Jay Gould, in his book, Ever Since Darwin, cites the 18th c. poet, Alexander Pope's take on human mothers nurse it, and the sires defend The young dismissed, to wander earth and air, There stops the instinct, and there ends the care. A longer care man's helpless kind demands, That longer care contracts more lasting bands. After contemplating Secunda's interesting and compelling evidence that we, slow developing creatures that we are, can gain maturity in our adult life as we lose our parents and finally cease to be anybody's alas, when parental life must end, When grief and mourning help the heart to mend, Then up shoots growth - a time for celebration. Another chance is giv'n for maturation!
Rating:
Summary: A Significant Addition to Ideas About Adult Development
Review: When I described to a friend, another therapist, the thesis of this book, she literally gasped, and responded, "Does she mean that its not enough to 'kill off' your parents, to get rid of childhood introjects, but that the parents acutally have to die in order for adult children to have a chance to reach their full maturity?" I nodded 'yes'. "I don't want to believe that", she said, sadly, with noticeable anxiety. "I don't want to think that I have to die in order for my daughter to feel like a real adult." I understood her pain, and thought to myself, "Maybe what you really don't want to believe is that you will actually die; and that your daughter will have a chance to profit from your death,as well as to mourn your loss." For this is one of the implications - unsettling as it may be to older parents- of Secunda's book about adult orphanhood as "the defining turning point of adult mission is to give birth to children, raise them to be independent enough to try to survive, and then to leave them at the appropriate time so that they, too, might have the chance to develop to their maximum and then teach all that to their own offspring. Steven Jay Gould, in his book, Ever Since Darwin, cites the 18th c. poet, Alexander Pope's take on human mothers nurse it, and the sires defend The young dismissed, to wander earth and air, There stops the instinct, and there ends the care. A longer care man's helpless kind demands, That longer care contracts more lasting bands. After contemplating Secunda's interesting and compelling evidence that we, slow developing creatures that we are, can gain maturity in our adult life as we lose our parents and finally cease to be anybody's alas, when parental life must end, When grief and mourning help the heart to mend, Then up shoots growth - a time for celebration. Another chance is giv'n for maturation!
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