The Betrayal Bond

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Summary: Subtitle: How To Bypass Repetitive Misery Syndrome
Review: A copy of THE BETRAYAL BOND, given to me by who?, I don't recall, had been sitting on my bookshelf unread for at least two years when I finally took serious note of it, last Friday, June 22, 2001, while searching for yet another escapist novel. Actually, I was given no choice in the matter. Like a note to Alice (in Wonderland) the red lettered title suddenly jumped at me, screaming, "READ ME!" A day later, I emerged from reading, and answering the various questionaires, if not a new woman, a profoundly altered one.

Where do I begin? In the beginning I was a severely beaten and incestuously molested girl and teenager. Then I married a man who said I was "nothing" compared to him and abandoned me for months at a time or beat me to make that point even clearer. Then I divorced him and worked my way through a series of disasterous relationships with men who had no intention of remaining faithful. I went to Al-Anon for several years but that only got me over the alcohol-related stuff. Affiliation with a 12 Step group still did not prevent me from entering what proved to be the most devestating relationship of all in which I was sexually exploitated by a Catholic priest who dangled the promise of marriage, only to renig on it after he was ordered by his superior into sex offender treatment.

He is still a priest, who now attends Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, and I am over the worst of the post-traumatic shock disorder I suffered from after learning about his Mr. Hyde side.

So, I have to assume this was the perfect time for me to finally read this book, because I was really ready for it. I all but inhaled the thing, nodding along rapidly, recognizing myself in so much of it it was painful, but freeing as well. I have tools now. I'm not a lost cause. I don't have to avoid men for the balance of my life; I just have to become a lot more conscious of what I'm doing and why. This is particularly a godsend because the reader can begin to use this, without the help of others, as a way to rebuild the ability to deal with others again.

I particularly like the comprehensiveness of this book. There is not one type of abuse, personal, social or institutional that Carnes doesn't discuss. He hits them all, with bullseye accuracy. There is no where to hide in this book and that's precisely what makes it so great -- a powerful testament to the assertion "the truth shall set you free." Amen!

However, I was disappointed to note that Carnes' support group listing at the back of the book does not include clergy (or religious) abuse support groups. This is a serious omission given the fact he provides so many references to clergy and religious abuse throughout the book. In reprints of this book, I hope he will amend that oversight as there are several such groups in existence throughout the world. I belong to one and know that I would probably be dead of suicide by now if I hadn't been referred to the support group I now belong to, by my therapist. Most people think clergy abuse is only about sexual molestation of children or adolescents by their pastor, but it's not. And people like me, who needlessly suffer alone, in the belief there are not others out there like them need desperately to be told otherwise.

Carnes book represents a remarkable breakthrough in terms of exposing all the insidiously complex and baffling psychological mechanisms that keep abuse and betrayal bonding at the denial level. As with the 12 Steps, this book is only a first step in dismantling the overall problem. But what a powerful Step in the right direction it is. More, more!

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Summary: Subtitle: How To Bypass Repetitive Misery Syndrome
Review: As we've come to expect from his previous cutting edge books, Dr Carnes integrates a good blend of theory and practicality in his writing. In The Betrayal Bond the author first establishes the basis for seeing how and when relationships become and stay exploitive, and what is required to break the cycle of abuse toward healing. A REFRESHING ADVANTAGE of this book is that nearly half of it is dedicated to sequencing concrete steps for identifying problems and change on a path of awareness, action, recovery, and hope. This book, therefore, stands to be very helpful to the consultant and victim, the practioner and patient in charting a way of understanding, identifying specific goals, and marking progress toward achieving them.

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Summary: Excellent layout of complex exploitive relationships
Review: As we've come to expect from his previous cutting edge books, Dr Carnes integrates a good blend of theory and practicality in his writing. In The Betrayal Bond the author first establishes the basis for seeing how and when relationships become and stay exploitive, and what is required to break the cycle of abuse toward healing. A REFRESHING ADVANTAGE of this book is that nearly half of it is dedicated to sequencing concrete steps for identifying problems and change on a path of awareness, action, recovery, and hope. This book, therefore, stands to be very helpful to the consultant and victim, the practioner and patient in charting a way of understanding, identifying specific goals, and marking progress toward achieving them.

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Summary: Understanding Ourselves and Others
Review: Earlier this year I read "Out of the Shadows" and "Contrary to Love." I had each of these books in my library since 1972 but I never read them. Afterwards I sought another book to read by Patrick Carnes and by reading reviews I decided to purchase this one. Like the other two books, not only is the material compelling, but it is a process. In other words, you don't start from the back of the book and work towards the front. Rather you work from where you are at and discover yourself at the end where you want to be, as you come to more greatly understand who you really are.

Reading this book has brought a lot of comfort into my life. This is in large part because of the way he explains the manner that persons who are subject to trauma bonding relate to others. It is not trivial. He opens up each of the subjects brilliantly and leaves each on a positive enlightened note taking the reader step by step to a better sense of purpose and self.

In this book he seems to set aside the issues of addictions and instead he focuses on the tapestry of the relationships formed within abuse, and how to recognize and admit to betrayal in our lives. If he were a physicist the subject would be on the particle level. It is absolutely amazing the way this book can affect one's understanding and calm the troubled heart and mind.

Of course, if you have a background in addiciton literature it is all the more an advantage, as you already have at least a theoretical grasp of the systemic nature of the disease and how it impacts relationships. But here he takes the reader on a journey that I believe almost any personality can adapt to--of unraveling pain, deceit, struggle, uncertainty, blame, and trauma to find the person within each of us--while restoring hope and confidence and "to help you reclaim your priorities."

It is truly and utterly amazing. For certain the content is incredible, but the process of change permitted by the process of understanding, as the reader progresses page by page, is (literally) phenomenal. For what it is worth--a task left for you to measure its value--I cannot recommend this book highly enough.

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Summary: Such a Powerful, Eye-Opening Book!
Review: Have you been exploited by a therapist or minister, yet, inexplicably, keep running back to him? Have you been emotionally or physically abused by a spouse, but find it difficult to get out of the marriage --- or, if divorced, feel so bonded that it feels as if you're still married?

If so, please read this book! The book clearly explains why "the betrayal bond" is so powerful. I myself was sexually abused by two different "authority" figures when I was 4 and then again when I was 16. I carried deep shame about this, feeling I somehow carried a flaw within me that caused this to happen to me. Then, a year ago, I sought healing with a licensed marriage & family therapist who turned out to be completely unethical (kissing clients on the mouth, allowing family members & ex-girlfriends in group, soliciting business from clients for pyramid schemes, having clients working for him, etc.) He seduced me. I immediately cut of ties with the man but could not quit longing for him, all the while enraged at him and knowing how destructively insane this obsessive attachment was. Not until I read this book did I understand WHY I found it difficult to free myself from this therapist. Now I'm healing the original wounds with a trained social worker and am firmly on the road to recovery.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced trauma bonding: child abuse, emotional abuse, professional exploitation, religious abuse, incest, serial infidelity, sexual harrassment. IT'S A MUST-READ for those in the healing professions, as well.

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Summary: One of a kind book
Review: I searched all over for a book about Betrayal Bonds, Trauma Bonds, or Stockholm Syndrome. I am a survivor of multiple long-term childhood sexual traumas. I was abused by a parent figure (and also other people). In the primary abusive relationship I bonded to the offender through the need for love, as a means of survival, and in reaction to extreme terror (among many other reasons). As a teen and young adult I was involved in dangerous relationships and again sexually assaulted multiple times. It is amazing how betrayal bonds of all different kinds have so much in common. This book will help you to understand betrayal bonds, and as a workbook it is a great help for learning how to break the patterns of abuse.

I am 25 now, and happily married to a kind and healthy man, but I am often held back from healing because of the bond I still feel towards the abuser(s). I have also come to realize that I still play out these patterns in my life on a smaller scale. I can not recommend this book enough. It truly is a lifesaver. I finally feel that I am able to reclaim my life from the abusers who tried to steal it from me. This book helped me to understand and validate the effects abuse has had upon my life, body, mind, and spirit. It helped me to face what I went through. The very last chapter was most incredible of all. Patrick Carnes offered great insight into why we continue these patterns of betrayal bonding and how we can gain the courage, strength, and self love to end the patterns. He also has a very accessible approach to healing the spiritual effects of abuse (as well as many other common effects of abuse and deep trauma). This book will always be one of the books that has helped me the most on my journey to recovery and healing. This book has also helped me to feel safe in allowing myself to deeply trust.

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Summary: If you want to change the way you love....
Review: If you want to change the way you love, this book is for you. It is not for the faint at heart. I found two other people that were interested in this work and met weekly until we had completed the book. Patrick Carnes is a pioneer in his field and has dedicated many years of research to the emotional bonds that we make in our early lives that can lead to years of failed relationships and poor choices. This book changed my life. I highly recommmend it.

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Summary: Read The Betrayal Bond along with two other books
Review: The Betrayal Bond is a superb book. It is research based, concisely written and easy to read. It handles the subject of exploitive relationships in a manner that shows great depth of understanding of how these bonds form in the first place, and great compassion toward those who suffer from betrayal bonds. The main strength of this book is that the author offers concrete advice for how to break free of the betrayal bond and move on to healthier relationships. Note: I read two other books along with The Betrayal Bond, and found the three books together to be highly complementary. The two other books I read are: Emotional Intelligence [Goleman] and The Verbally Abusive Relationship [Evans]. Buy these three books, and share them with a friend when you are done with them!

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Summary: The true reasons that people allow themselves to be abused!
Review: Where was this book 25 years ago? Must be required reading for "every" school girl. This book has helped me understand and solve my problem which (so called) experts had no clue about. I am so greatful. Thankyou thankyou. I am going to read it again. As far as my abuse . . It's over and will "never" happen again. That's a fact! It was my husband (who has been an x for 25 years) and more recently (last 5-10 years) my 27 year old son - a booster shot. Sick bastards! I've taken away the stick and have limited contact with my son. I doubt if he'll ever be human but his venom and stench will not affect me.