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Summary: Hope for Those Who Can't Just Walk Away
Review: If you have been in a marriage relationship for sometime, as I have, and yet that relationship is less healthy than you believe it should be, this book may be for you. I found this book to offer a plan that is a sensible alternative to giving up, getting ugly, or even "making do". Not everyone is angry and wants out of a marriage, at least not without trying everthing possible to mend or reinvigorate the relationship. Lee Raffel offers a blueprint for exploring whether or not a relationship can be "fixed" or saved. Because Raffel's suggestion of controlled separation is negotiated between the two parties, there is buy-in by both parties, at least on some level. Raffel clearly and succinctly lays out the plan, even offering assistance with the negotiating part of the process. She includes everything from how to broach the subject with your spouse, how to tell the kids, how to handle the money, whether or not to seek professional counseling, etc. The book is not written in a "clinical" manner; it is written for the average reader. Also, there are many examples of each step in the process that helpfully illustrate the details from Raffel's case studies.
It is my belief that anyone who may cousel or give advice to someone whose marriage is less than satisfying should read this book. I would think that in particular pastors, who may not be as skilled as they would like when dealing with couples in crisis, might find this a helpful technique to utilize.
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Summary: About My Book
Review: Is your marriage or long-term relationship in a state of crisis? Contemplating separation but afraid of making the wrong decision? Here at last is a proven technique that brings hope to your seemingly hopeless predicament! Should I Stay or Go? provides the details of a proven process that can break your impasse and transform your relationship into one that works in a way that is beneficial for you and your partner, your children, and your extended family. The Controlled Separation (CS) is an extraordinary process comprised of 12 practical guidelines which give clear step-by-step directions on how to formulate your own CS contract. This proactive method effectively changes the context of your relationship, moves you out of dead-still inertia, halts the deterioration of your relationship, and begins a constructive process of regrowth.The CS process detailed in this book can be used on your own or with the help of your family therapist. In Should I Stay or Go you'll read about the real-life experiences of adversarial couples who became advocates as they learned how to negotiate as equals and recognized the worth and contribution of each partner. You'll learn how to cool down and stop making impulsive decisions. You'll find how to identify issues of conflict, improve your communication skills, and discover compassionate ways to resolve your stay-or-go dilemma. As a certified marriage and family therapist, lecturer, mediator, and coach, my 25 years of clinical expertise and personal life experiences contribute to my understanding of the intricacies of marital relationships. This is the first book of its kind that explores indepth the broad frontiers of marital separation both in and out of the home, and contrasts controlled separation with trial separation. The focus of my book is preventative in nature. For those of you who want to avoid an ugly divorce, Chapter 19 offers sound guidelines for reaching an amicable parting. For those of you who have a vision of restructuring your marriage, Chapter 20, The Good Marriage, introduces the Four Pillars of Marriage and how to build a strong stable union. You will find this book offers a very compassionate and practical approach to solving your relationship problems. By following the simple yet profound rules of CS, you can save your sanity and be free at last to revitalize your relationship-or to part as friends. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best in all your endeavors.
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Summary: This book is a good support for any couple!
Review: It is no secret that the institution of modern day marriage is suffering. Yet on the day when a couple joins together, they deeply believe that their love will surmount any problems. Or one of the partners secretly thinks he or she will have the power to change whatever is annoying in the other. Or the whirlwind of courtship has disguised personality conflicts that only arise after years of living together. The world is changing at such a rapid pace that the stree placed upon married life is profound. Not to mention the fact that people change as they live their lives. You may find that the person you married years ago is not the person to whom you are married today. So what do you do when you find yourself suffering in an unhappy married relationship? Are you trying to decide, as Lee Raffel's title suggests, do I stay or do I go? Lee has been there. She suffered for years in a bad marriage. Then the experience of a good second marriage gave her the insights with which to help others. During years as a professional marriage counselor, she watched too many couples struggle unsuccessfully to get out of the mire. Her deep desire to help stop this pain motivated Lee to create a focused plan which enables couples to call a "time out," a time in which they can let the dust settle so they can experience each others' humanity again. In Transactional Analysis (TA) terms, this road map of Lee's encourages two adults, rather than two angry, hurting kids, to guide the relationship. In this easy-to-read, very informative manual, couples in distress follow an explicit and compassionate guideline which allows them to separate, physically if need be, and emotionally in order to put sanity back into thier relationship. Lee's "controlled separation" (CS) model offers nurturing guidance, a resonable time frame and practical rules. Couples can use the book by themselves or with the aid of a professional. Within the CS framework a couple may find that they have grounds on which to work things out or they may decide that it is time to end their marriage. Either way, the decision comes from a well-thought out and heartfelt place. As one couple commented after a three-month CS in whicy they "reinvented" thier partnership: "The CS was a blessing. It gave us a chance to take the bull by the norns and strighten ourselves out. It was a relief to get reacquanited again. We could be private about our CS and for that, we are grateful." Lee Raffel's timely book is profoundly deep and empathetic - true nourishment for the soul of marriage. She covers virtually all possibilites of occurrences and feelings. Every reader will identify with some situation. This is not only a book for troubled relationships, it is a good support for any couple. Thank you, Lee!
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Summary: It looks terrific!
Review: Just received your book, Should I Stay or Go?. It looks terrific. So many people will be helped. Rabbi Earl A. Grollman
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Summary: Controlled separation may be for you if you need time apart
Review: Many times we are too close to the situation to make sense of what is going on. The controlled separation provides a clear-cut agreement between the spouses to help with the thinking process.
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Summary: Inspirational!!!
Review: My husband and I are having marital difficulties. I am the one who does not want to divorce and he is the one "sitting on the fence." He found this book and I just finished reading it. This book has inspired me and gave me hope. Amy
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Summary: Any married couple could benefit from this book!
Review: My husband and I have been considering a separation for a while now and this book gave me the confidence and a way to proceed with our controlled separation. I love that Lee gives you control of your separation and is fair to both parties. This book describes separation and it's phases from all directions and lets you know what to expect. It also gave me a lot of food for thought.
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Summary: Thank you so much for writing this book!
Review: My marriage has been in trouble for some time now. I have read many relationship books and I have not been able to identify with any of them. Thank you so much for writing this book! It's the first time in a year and a half that I feel I have some direction and control in my life. I bought this book one afternoon and read it from cover to cover! The guidelines for the controlled separation are the best thing I've ever heard or read about. I'm going to discuss this with my husband and ask him to read the book. I'm looking forward to trying this and I'm also so thankful that whatever happens, I will finally (hopefully!) feel comfortable that I'm making the right decision for me and my family. Thanks!! Tracee
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Summary: Saved My Marriage
Review: Two years ago my husband & I were going through a nasty, unexpected separation. I read many many books on our situation, then came across this one in the library. I have since purchased 2 copies for friends. This book gave the best, most concrete advice on determining what our next steps should be. The helpful tool provided by this book is the Separation Contract which lets each person spell out their needs. It helped me think through all of the important issues, document what was important to me, & discuss it all with my husband. (We also shared our finished contract with a trusted pastor friend for accountability purposes.) I would recommend this book to anyone who doesn't know what to do next & would like to at least consider doing something positive for your relationship, even if you think there is no hope for your situation.
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Summary: Saved My Marriage
Review: Two years ago my husband & I were going through a nasty, unexpected separation. I read many many books on our situation, then came across this one in the library. I have since purchased 2 copies for friends. This book gave the best, most concrete advice on determining what our next steps should be. The helpful tool provided by this book is the Separation Contract which lets each person spell out their needs. It helped me think through all of the important issues, document what was important to me, & discuss it all with my husband. (We also shared our finished contract with a trusted pastor friend for accountability purposes.) I would recommend this book to anyone who doesn't know what to do next & would like to at least consider doing something positive for your relationship, even if you think there is no hope for your situation.
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