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Rating: 
Summary: Required Reading for Crossdressers and their Partners
Review: ?My Husband Betty? (?MHB?) by Helen Boyd is a remarkable book relating to a generally misunderstood, and also often fairly well-hidden, segment of our society: the world of heterosexual men who crossdress, and their female partners. The book is remarkable not only because it is one of the only books to address this group from the perspective of a wife of a crossdressing male, but because it is an extremely well-done melange of personal experience, shared experiences of others, as well as a survey of the available scientific and other literature available pertaining to this group. But the main virtue of MHB is that it is (at times brutally) honest about the significant challenges the author and other women have faced in the context of being in relationships with men who are crossdressers. In the end, it is this frank honesty, which some readers ? including ones who may be male crossdressers ? may find hard to swallow at times, that lends the book an enhanced degree of credibility, openness and accessibility to anyone interested in this area, and particularly to those who are living this experience.
The book begins with an examination of the crossdressers themselves, including the different kinds of things that they do, the different ?types? of crossdressing men, the different phases of crossdressing that a crossdresser may experience at different points of his life. This chapter of the book is enlightening for crossdressers themselves, but is invaluable for a partner of a crossdresser who is at square one. An extremely helpful appendix contains a glossary of crossdressing and related acronyms and jargon.
Next the book addresses the women who are the partners of crossdressers, taking into account the various experiences that they have had, their reactions to their partner?s crossdressing ways, the negative or at best conflicted feelings most of them experience, as well as the diversity of viewpoints among them as to how they relate to their crossdressing partner and his crossdressing. This is one of the primary chapters where the author?s own experiences, and her willingness and honesty in describing them, lend the book a remarkable depth and credibility. As the author notes, she is not trying to put a pretty face on crossdressing, but to address it squarely and honestly, and her admission of her own continuing challenges, fears and difficulties relating to her husband?s crossdressing is both illuminating and touching, and should be required reading for any crossdressing man who is, has been, or intends to be in a relationship with a woman. The chapter which follows ? addressing the various modes of relationships between crossdressing men and their female partners ? is told through the experiences of six different couples, each of which has come to their own way of managing the experience in a different way, and helps to move the experiential part of the book beyond the author?s own experiences to reflect those of a broader group.
A chapter is devoted to the question of whether crossdressing is a ?Slippery Slope? to transsexualism, and here again the book is brutally honest in its confrontation with the often-spouted semi-propaganda by some crossdressing groups to the effect that crossdressing has nothing to do with transsexualism and does not ever ?progress? to transsexualism. A well-done survey of the historical and existing scholarship relating to crossdressers and transsexuals forms the foundation for the author?s frank conclusion that this can sometimes happen, together with her indictment of the soft-sell engaged in by some crossdresser?s groups on these issues, which, in the long run, actually undermines trust between crossdressers and their partners and harms the crossdressers themselves by limiting their self-awareness and therefore their self-acceptance.
A frank chapter addressing the challenges in having a satisfying sexual life with a crossdresser similarly debunks the notion advanced by some crossdresser groups that crossdressing does not have a sexual element to it. In addition, this chapter should be required reading for any crossdresser who is, has been, or plans to be in a relationship with a woman, because the impacts here are extremely well presented and accurate and need to be addressed in an active manner by the crossdressing partner.
The book concludes with a chapter addressing the larger ?scene? of crossdressing outside the house, and the various options for being more open about one?s crossdressing, and a chapter relating to gender politics. It is the last chapter that is addressed to the crossdressers themselves and, while it may be hard for some crossdressers to read, in my opinion the author is dead right that the reason why the crossdressing community has lagged behind other groups in obtaining rights for itself is that it has been unwilling to build bridges with the larger feminist, gay, lesbian, and bisexual communities, and has instead spent a great deal of time trying to wall itself off from these groups in an effort to maintain its ?straightness?. In the end, I agree with the author that the crossdressing community ? which may very well be mostly heterosexual ? is nevertheless not ?straight? in any meaningful way, and that the sooner it accepts this (both on an individual level and on a broader, collective level), the sooner it will be in a position to work together with other alternative groups to forge its rightful place in society. That will not happen without changing perspectives, work and sacrifice. All of this amounts to sobering thoughts for many, but necessary ones for crossdressers themselves to hear and reflect upon.
In sum, MHB is basically required reading for anyone who is a crossdresser or who is the significant other of a crossdresser, as well as anyone who may be involved in the therapeutic community and who may deal with crossdressers and their partners from time to time. While it is likely that most who read MHB will not agree with everything in it, it is precisely this honesty and frankness which makes the book very useful because it certainly will spur the readers to think and reflect on their own experience.
Rating:
Summary: A very candid account-helpful and revealing
Review: As a crossdresser for nearly 3 decades and someone who is married, this book gave me tremendous insights into the challenges that are faced by my spouse. Helen Boyd does a very thorough analysis of identifying the choices and tensions inherent in being a CD as well as the struggles a spouse must face. What I found especially enlightening was the description of the continuum of dressing and the various types of relationships crossdressers have with their significant others. I highly recommend the section that deals with the real questions that should be discussed in a relationship. There is an enormous struggle that goes on in these kinds of relationships and most don't last. The book offers one useful roadmap.
Rating:
Summary: remarkable and honest
Review: Author Helen Boyd, herself the wife of a crossdresser, looks insightfully at her own feelings in relation to her partner's transvestism in her book My Husband Betty. While offering support of her husband's "differently-gendered" perspective, she extensively researched the subject, with the purpose of determining how other couples coped with similar situations. While looking at the mechanism of gender identity dysphoria through a crossdressers' eyes may prove useful, one of the values of Boyd's work is that seeing it from a partners' perspective provides a counterbalanced, completely different and perhaps more objective point of view. Boyd writes about one particular key factor that appears to be prevalent in transgendered marital relationships, appearing to be related to shame-an element of "deceit" that frequently extends itself back before the marriage began. Crossdressing husbands may see a way out of their dilemma by purging themselves from their generally oppressive, unwelcome, and perhaps titillating fantasy. The husband-to-be, apparently smitten by his feelings of love and the prospect of a relationship that will, he hopes, extract him from his unwanted gender dilemma, may unwittingly delude both himself and his partner by incorporating the defense mechanisms of rationalization, denial, dissociation and/or repression. Here, the perspective bridegroom may engage in the activity of purging-which generally results in the discarding of his female attire, makeup and other accoutrements. He most likely may also evoke a temporary cessation of his life-long desires, fantasies, and dreams, all of which will sooner or later come flooding back with a vengeance. The author finds, through her research and reading, that for many men, there is a sexual component related to crossdressing. Sexual gratification may not be the main reason they do what they do, but Boyd feels that many crossdressers experience a convergence of their sexuality and their crossdressing. She writes that many women suspect their husbands are turned on by crossdressing, but they frequently doubt their own intuition because their husbands, possibly because of their own shame, and with the support of some of the organizations they join, often deny it. According to Boyd's findings, almost one-third of the crossdressers surveyed continued to keep secrets from their partners, even after finally revealing their crossdressing proclivities, lying most often about their sexuality-particularly their commonly-held curiosity about having sex with men while dressed en femme, or another common deceit being the true extent of the transgendered feelings. Boyd states that one of the main fears that wives have about their transvestic partners is that somewhere along the line the may want to go all the way and transition to become women. Perhaps many such men are in denial-not even aware of the extent of their feelings, or perhaps they are flat-out lying. In this type of deceit though, an element of transphobic shame is evident with homophobia as a possible component. Boyd contends that most men who keep these secrets do so because they are either too ashamed of their thoughts and fantasies to be honest about them and/or they think their partners can't handle the truth. She states that it appears unlikely that a crossdresser is going to be open with his wife if he is both ashamed of what he is doing or thinking and also afraid that she will become very angry when she learns that thoughts of having sex with a man or changing his gender have crossed his mind. There would seem to be a huge potential for marital failure when a crossdresser finally reveals himself to his partner, but continues to weave a web of deceit by denying, probably because of shame, that he does not crossdress for sexual pleasure, when that may just not be the case. It would seem to follow that any other form of deceit related to shame or internalized transphobia would be detrimental and self-perpetuating of the non-acceptance of crossdressing behavior by society. Boyd points out that in the 1960s, the popular image of crossdressers was that they were either gay or perverted or both. In order to gain respect and public acceptance, crossdressers actively started "cleaning up" their image. In Virginia Prince's The Transvestite and His Wife, she states that it is very clear that by the late 1960s crossdressers started emphasizing two things: 1) their heterosexuality, and 2) the concept that crossdressing is about getting in touch with their inner female, and not about sex or arousal or fetishism. Their bid for acceptance was understandable and their emphasis on heterosexuality was valid, since most of them are straight. Their disclaimer that their crossdressing wasn't about sex, though, did not ring true. That their primary motivation was to get in touch with an inner female self-the "second self" as Prince's Tri-Ess organization would have it-was only partially true. Many crossdressers do indeed access a more feminine part of themselves when they dress. But not only was there an emphasis on denying that it was entirely about sex, there was also an insistence that it wasn't about sex at all. Crossdressers reassured themselves that they weren't perverts, and reassured their wives their crossdressing wasn't sexual, and everyone got to feel "normal." Boyd postulates that, "wives will never understand any of this if crossdressers don't start being honest about their own sexuality." Perhaps this is also true of society in general, and there is something to be said about the confluence of sexuality and shame as a component in gender identity dysphoria.
Rating: 
Summary: The author looks insightfully at her own feelings
Review: Author Helen Boyd, herself the wife of a crossdresser, looks insightfully at her own feelings in relation to her partner's transvestism in her book My Husband Betty. While offering support of her husband's "differently-gendered" perspective, she extensively researched the subject, with the purpose of determining how other couples coped with similar situations. While looking at the mechanism of gender identity dysphoria through a crossdressers' eyes may prove useful, one of the values of Boyd's work is that seeing it from a partners' perspective provides a counterbalanced, completely different and perhaps more objective point of view. Boyd writes about one particular key factor that appears to be prevalent in transgendered marital relationships, appearing to be related to shame-an element of "deceit" that frequently extends itself back before the marriage began. Crossdressing husbands may see a way out of their dilemma by purging themselves from their generally oppressive, unwelcome, and perhaps titillating fantasy. The husband-to-be, apparently smitten by his feelings of love and the prospect of a relationship that will, he hopes, extract him from his unwanted gender dilemma, may unwittingly delude both himself and his partner by incorporating the defense mechanisms of rationalization, denial, dissociation and/or repression. Here, the perspective bridegroom may engage in the activity of purging-which generally results in the discarding of his female attire, makeup and other accoutrements. He most likely may also evoke a temporary cessation of his life-long desires, fantasies, and dreams, all of which will sooner or later come flooding back with a vengeance. The author finds, through her research and reading, that for many men, there is a sexual component related to crossdressing. Sexual gratification may not be the main reason they do what they do, but Boyd feels that many crossdressers experience a convergence of their sexuality and their crossdressing. She writes that many women suspect their husbands are turned on by crossdressing, but they frequently doubt their own intuition because their husbands, possibly because of their own shame, and with the support of some of the organizations they join, often deny it. According to Boyd's findings, almost one-third of the crossdressers surveyed continued to keep secrets from their partners, even after finally revealing their crossdressing proclivities, lying most often about their sexuality-particularly their commonly-held curiosity about having sex with men while dressed en femme, or another common deceit being the true extent of the transgendered feelings. Boyd states that one of the main fears that wives have about their transvestic partners is that somewhere along the line the may want to go all the way and transition to become women. Perhaps many such men are in denial-not even aware of the extent of their feelings, or perhaps they are flat-out lying. In this type of deceit though, an element of transphobic shame is evident with homophobia as a possible component. Boyd contends that most men who keep these secrets do so because they are either too ashamed of their thoughts and fantasies to be honest about them and/or they think their partners can't handle the truth. She states that it appears unlikely that a crossdresser is going to be open with his wife if he is both ashamed of what he is doing or thinking and also afraid that she will become very angry when she learns that thoughts of having sex with a man or changing his gender have crossed his mind. There would seem to be a huge potential for marital failure when a crossdresser finally reveals himself to his partner, but continues to weave a web of deceit by denying, probably because of shame, that he does not crossdress for sexual pleasure, when that may just not be the case. It would seem to follow that any other form of deceit related to shame or internalized transphobia would be detrimental and self-perpetuating of the non-acceptance of crossdressing behavior by society. Boyd points out that in the 1960s, the popular image of crossdressers was that they were either gay or perverted or both. In order to gain respect and public acceptance, crossdressers actively started "cleaning up" their image. In Virginia Prince's The Transvestite and His Wife, she states that it is very clear that by the late 1960s crossdressers started emphasizing two things: 1) their heterosexuality, and 2) the concept that crossdressing is about getting in touch with their inner female, and not about sex or arousal or fetishism. Their bid for acceptance was understandable and their emphasis on heterosexuality was valid, since most of them are straight. Their disclaimer that their crossdressing wasn't about sex, though, did not ring true. That their primary motivation was to get in touch with an inner female self-the "second self" as Prince's Tri-Ess organization would have it-was only partially true. Many crossdressers do indeed access a more feminine part of themselves when they dress. But not only was there an emphasis on denying that it was entirely about sex, there was also an insistence that it wasn't about sex at all. Crossdressers reassured themselves that they weren't perverts, and reassured their wives their crossdressing wasn't sexual, and everyone got to feel "normal." Boyd postulates that, "wives will never understand any of this if crossdressers don't start being honest about their own sexuality." Perhaps this is also true of society in general, and there is something to be said about the confluence of sexuality and shame as a component in gender identity dysphoria.
Rating:
Summary: A Must-Read
Review: Helen Boyd not only opened my mind and heart to the experiences and realities of an under- and mis-represented people, she did so with clarity , brevity and wit. A thoroughly engaging book it is a must-read for anyone either integrated in or tangentially affected by gender issues of any and all kinds. Thank you, Ms. Boyd, for creating this much needed volume and for researching your subject matter so completely and objectively.
Rating:
Summary: An inside guide to living with a cross dresser!
Review: Helen Boyd writes a personal, detailed and extremely candid account of her experience with her cross-dressing husband. A must-read for anyone interested in or curious to learn more about this alternative life style.
Rating:
Summary: Finally - a transgender-related book from a spouse
Review: There are, at last count, dozens of books recounting the adventures of gender-variant people. For the most part, these books tend to follow a common pattern, outlining the individual's struggles and eventual triumph. This is not one of them, though, so you can relax.
This book takes the opposite tack, written as it is from Helen's book point of view as the spouse of a (presumably) genetic male who is a crossdresser, and therefore transgendered in some sense. She describes her life, their life, and the struggle she faced realizing she loved someone who was, I think it's fair to say, un-normal in some respects.
She recounts her story and struggle with genuine emotion and no little insight into the larger problems associated with socially-implied roles based on the concavity or convexity of one's groin. She also manages to maintain a sense of humor along with no little degree of sensitivity. The writing is quite good and I hope to see her produce other works, regardless of their subject.
I found one of the most compelling themes of the book to be her observations about lying (on the part of cross-dressing partners). Her views on this subject would make the book worthwhile if it contained no other interesting material.
If you're a cross-dresser, leave this book lying around the house. If you're the SO of said person, read it. It might very well inspire you both to keep your relationship intact and healthy.
This is one of only two narrative-style books I recommend to people who need information about life with the Differently Gendered (<--NOTE: irony). The other is Jennifer Finney Boylan's _She's_Not_There_, written from the opposite side of the bed.
Rating:
Summary: A new look at something as old as the hills
Review: There have always been crossdressers and other transgendered people, but there has not been such a brilliant examination of the subject since Magnus Hirschfeld himself (to whom this book is dedicated) coined the word "transvestite." Whether you are one, you know one, or you are merely fascinated with the subjects of human sexuality and relationships, this is a must-read. This book, with its intimate portraits of people and relationships, has scholarly depth and page-turner readability. Helen Boyd has produced a masterpiece of cultural anthropology, gender studies and sexuality which will be a classic.
Rating:
Summary: remarkable and honest
Review: This is an honest and intense account of what it is like to be married to a crossdresser. Helen Boyd's acceptance and openness, while at the same time acknowledging her own feelings of trepidation concerning some aspects of this new life, is remarkable and admirable. There are no cross-dressers in my life, (that I am aware of) and I still found this book to be very worthwhile for the honest approach and thorough investigation of the subject.
Rating:
Summary: A fascinating exploration of gender
Review: Though this book will be of special interest and relevance to the partners of crossdressers, anyone intrigued by gender issues and they way they shape our lives, loves, and identities will be enthralled by this profoundly touching and well-researched book. Ms. Boyd offers a moving, honest account of her own courtship and married life with a crossdresser, illuminating every difficulty and joy with great insight. She also portrays the relationships of other crossdressing couples among whom she has found support and companionship. Having wrestled with her own gender issues, and leaving no stone unturned in her quest to understand her husband's crossdressing, Ms. Boyd seems to have read all of the trenchant literature in the gender-studies field (to her readers' benefit) and widens her scope to include the whole transgender community and the gay community. Though Ms. Boyd is admirably supportive of her husband's continuing struggle to be true to himself, she never sugar-coats the complexities transgenderism can impose upon a marriage. However, Ms. Boyd's integrity, engaging voice, and love for her husband leave the reader hopeful that happiness is eminently possible even for those who don't fit neatly into society's gender "boxes".
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