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Summary: This book was a great help for me
Review: The title seemed to jump out at me as I was browsing through a bookstore. It had been recommended to me by a psychology professor. and after reading this book, I knew that I had to buy it. This book allowed me to see that I can have control over my life. I had been pulled into some very difficult situations with my parents, and Dr. Forward allowed me to see that this didn't have to be the case anymore. Some of her techniques, such as non-defensive communication, were very difficult to put into practice. That still is not for me. But the times where I have been sucessful using it have been a glow. God bless her for writing such a wonderful book. I wish I had had it ten years ago.
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Summary: The Guilt of the Abused
Review: This book describes insightfully the danse macabre that is the abuser-victim dyad. Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with a narcissist (and a choice it is). Constant guilt feelings, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus - self-punishment typify the relationships formed between the sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent mate or partner.The narcissist projects his inner turmoil and drags everyone around him into a swirl of bitterness, suspiciousness, meanness, aggression and pettiness. His life is a reflection of his psychological landscape: barren, paranoiac, tormented, guilt ridden. He feels compelled to do unto others what he perpetrates unto himself. He gradually transforms all around him into replicas of his conflictive, punishing personality structures. Some narcissists are more subtle than others. They disguise their sadism. For instance, they "educate" their nearest and dearest (for their sake, as they present it). This "education" is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain, to control, to paralyse. The narcissist deliberately confuses responsibility with guilt and demands compensation for his or her "sacrifices". By provoking guilt in responsibility-laden situations, the narcissist transforms life with him into a constant trial. The narcissist-victim dyad is a conspiracy, a collusion of victim and mental tormentor, a collaboration of two needy people who find solace and supply in each other's deviations. Only by breaking loose, by aborting the game, by ignoring the rules - can the victim be transformed (and by the way, acquire the newly found appreciation of the narcissist). The narcissist's partner should not feel guilty or responsible and should not seek to change what only time (not even therapy) and (difficult) circumstances may change. She should not strive to please and to appease, to be and not to be, to barely survive as a superposition of pain and fear. Releasing herself from the chains of guilt and from the throes of a debilitating relationship - is the best help that a loving mate can provide to her ailing narcissistic partner. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".
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Summary: Outstanding book--truly helpful!
Review: This book does a very clear job of defining emotional blackmail so you can begin to easily spot emotional blackmailers in your life. It then concludes with telling you specifically how to deal with emotional blackmail, that is, how to keep your energy, resources, and sometimes your very soul, from being stolen by them. Something that was particularly important for me personally in the book was the part at the end where she talks about not emotionally blackmailing *yourself*! What an insight! I realized that even when rigid, controlling people are not around to inspire guilt, fear and shame in me to get me to do things that are hurtful to me for their selfish benefit, I have a "voice" in my head that does the job for them, telling me that whatever I do that doesn't fit the world view of past and present blackmailers is "wrong," "selfish," or even "evil." So I beat myself up on behalf of my blackmailers even when they are not around to do it. I also was impressed by the insight that not only does it "take two to tango," that no one can blackmail me if I don't let them, but that it is also possible for me to actually "train" people to blackmail me. This is particularly, true, I think, for those of us raised in rigid, controlling homes with emotionally blackmailing parents. Thereafter, we are, so to speak, fertile ground for any future emotional blackmailers. I had rather been realizing these sorts of things the past few years now that I'm in my 40s (the middle years when we suddenly reevaluate our whole life), and gradually eliminating emotional blackmailers from my life, without exactly using that term. (The term I used was ridding myself of people whose presence felt like "being nibbled to death by ducks.") This book has validated my innate human "right" to not be eaten alive by the selfish demands of others. Kudos to Ms. Forward!
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Summary: Unravels The Motives and Actions of Manipulators!!!
Review: This book explains the motivations, attitudes and "reasonings" of controlling people, be it friend, family or in business. Lets you understand the problems associated with relating to manipulators and the potential impact they can have on your happiness and success.
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Summary: Oh my God!
Review: This book from Ms Brown describes the different aspects and forms within toxic relation-ships.
You learn to analyze your particular situation and how to counteract. Quite practical! If your feelings about others are somehow strange,guild loaden, fearful etc, the author helps you to clarify the situation and offers practical adivse.
Interaction and communication get improved adhoc. Highly recommendable!
In fact I started reading the book at night, and could not stop anymore. The next day I started practise her advise. And first success made me more confident. However, situations, especially in families are not single occasions but processes, so apply your new self-esteem, knowledge and attitude everywhere applicable!
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Summary: I give it 10 stars!
Review: This book helped shed light on a lot of things I've went through and still are going through. It put my life in prospective and I felt better after reading it.
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Summary: Thank you-what a revelation
Review: This book saved my sanity!!. I spent two years trying to figure someone out. Up was down, black was white. She changed her moods as often as you change the channel. I continually took responsibility and apologized thinking I could get back the girl I once knew. This book taught me that that is the absolutely worst thing to do to an emotional blackmailer. It just empowers them to abuse you more. While I knew the relationship had soured, I did not know why or what happened. I thought I would spend the rest of my life wondering where I went wrong. Through this book, found someone who was admittedly insecure and stubborn to be a master manipulator and controller. And learned that it was not my responsibilty nor was it possible to "fix" her. She knew how emotionally attached I was and purposely became distant. While the book tells of strategies to deal with someone who is an emotional blackmailer, I feel liberated and confident that my decision to end the madness and the relationship was correct. Thank you Susan Forward, I am forever in your debt.
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Summary: Wonderful specific tools to deal with difficult people.
Review: This book validates many lessons I learned the hard waybecause of my family of origin incest history, child support andcustody issues, work issues and so on. You don't have to learn on your own without any direction. This book offers real tools that you can use to deal with the difficult people in your life.
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Summary: So THAT'S what it's called!
Review: This book was tremendously helpful for my understanding of the characteristics and motivations of a blackmailing parent. I have spent years being dumbfounded by her behavior and wondering what on earth I did to deserve the treatment I was getting. I was just living my life - on my terms for a change - and that's when all hell broke loose! For years I could never quite articulate what was happening in this relationship, and I continued to be blindsided by the silent treatment on a cyclical basis, but everything became very clear after reading this book. Susan Forward cites a number of examples and uses descriptive anecdotes to help you identify the blackmailers in your life. In addition, she details some of the underlying reasons for the blackmailer's behavior to help you understand just why they make us so crazy! This is not a poor-me book. It is truly empowering and suggests strategies to neutralize the blackmailer's power and control over you. I no longer feel the anxiety I once felt with the anticipation of speaking with my blackmailer. I understand why she behaves the way she does and I think I now have the tools to stop her from continuing her destructive behavior. Thank you, Dr. Forward.
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Summary: Needs More Work in the Advice Department
Review: This book's strong suit is that it concentrates on dissecting possible causes and gives many examples. Unfortunately, that's not what I was looking for. From another book ("If You Had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth), I already knew what was going on with my situation and why. Rather, I was desperately looking for advice I could use (which Neuharth's book didn't provide). "Emotional Blackmail" could use more work in the advice department. In my case, my folks are trying to force me to have kids. Virtually every time we meet, I am subjected to emotional blackmail, to emotional and verbal abuse. What they'll do if I don't is left unstated. Eeek! The strategy section in this book assumes the other party allows you to answer back, but in my case I'm not even permitted to speak! This has happened every single time the subject rears its head. Thus none of the advice given here quite fit me, although I benefited from reading the conclusion to the strategy section. The best part of the book for me was AFTER the strategy section, in the next-to-last chapter, "Cutting Through the FOG [Fear, Obligation, Guilt]," about how to disconnect my hot [FOG] buttons. That section did help me. In fact, it is entirely on the strength of this chapter alone that I am giving this book 5 stars. I was desperate to find something quick before seeing my folks once again next week. Finally found my solution in the book "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda" by Arthur Freeman & Rose DeWolf, in Chapter 13 of their book: "'Them' -- Resisting Pressure From Others." (Their advice: What do you do if they won't hear anything you say? [In Susan Forward's book, she assumes they will. She does address what to do with blackmailers who insist on being silent out of anger when you try to respond, leaving you spinning in the wind, but in my case, every time I try to say something, my father furiously shouts me down, I can't even get a word in edgewise! Ditto for my mother too!] Thus, when abuse topic comes up, according to Freeman & DeWolf, don't respond at all, no matter how they talk or scream at you, trying to bait you to pick up the hook. Like the game tug-of-war played with rope, don't EVER pick up your end of the rope. With no response from you, they'll eventually tire and be forced to drop or change the subject, which is exactly what you want. There's also other similarly excellent stuff in Ch. 13 fully applicable to fighting against emotional blackmail that's not in Susan Forward's book, so maybe you should consider buying both books! [On the face of it, from its title and description, Freeman & DeWolf's book doesn't even sound as if it even applies to emotional blackmail, and nowhere in the book itself does the book actually talk about emotional blackmail per se, but it's the "Shoulda" part of the title that's coming from others directed at you that this book tells you how to fight against in Ch. 13.])
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