When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

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Summary: Assertiveness tips from a pioneer in the field...
Review: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D.offers many practical hints in developing your assertive skillswith friends, family, and business associates. In the broad sense, this how-to will be particularly useful to those who find it hard to stand up in the face of conflict; however, some of these techniques ("fogging" and "broken record", for instance) will not win you congeniality points. What they WILL provide, though, are usable, self-affirming tactics with which you can effectively deflect covert manipulation by others and keep your defensive emotional responses in check. Although reading this book will not give most readers the assertive confidence and technique-rehearsal that attending Dr. Smith's Systematic Assertiveness workshops would provide, it is still an excellent launch-pad for those of us who are ready to take charge of our own lives.

Rating:
Summary: Assertiveness tips from a pioneer in the field...
Review: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. offers many practical hints in developing your assertive skills with friends, family, and business associates. In the broad sense, this how-to will be particularly useful to those who find it hard to stand up in the face of conflict; however, some of these techniques ("fogging" and "broken record", for instance) will not win you congeniality points. What they WILL provide, though, are usable, self-affirming tactics with which you can effectively deflect covert manipulation by others and keep your defensive emotional responses in check. Although reading this book will not give most readers the assertive confidence and technique-rehearsal that attending Dr. Smith's Systematic Assertiveness workshops would provide, it is still an excellent launch-pad for those of us who are ready to take charge of our own lives.

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Summary: A Mike Hammer Book for Getting What You Want...
Review: ...and watch out for those side effects. First of all, this book is not what it claims. Assertiveness Training is not used here as it is in behavior therapy. The father of behavior therapy is/was Joseph Wolpe. To Wolpe, relaxation inhibits fear. Anger and intimacy inhibit social fear. But Wolpe stated that these books were not operating within this framework. Assertiveness training, according to Wolpe, was based on anger and intimacy in order to inhibit social anxiety. Not a textbook on manipulation and aggression. The only Assertiveness training book that Wolpe approved of and liked was "Your Perfect Right" by Alberti and Emmons (yes, you can order a copy from Amazon.com). Alberti and Emmons also condemned this book for being highly manipulative. And it is!

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Summary: life-saver
Review: Back in August 1979,the beginning of my senior year of high school,one of my brothers came to visit Mom and me.This brother is 9 years older than me,and he watched as most of the adults in my life slowly squeezed "me" out of me.I was the "perfect" young woman;cooked,cleaned,fetched, and carried for my older relatives.I dressed the way I was told(the way that they thought I should),behaved the way I was told(demure,and "ladylike"),and lived to their standards.If I ever behaved the way I really wanted to(free),the litany would start--"After all we've given up for you-how you hurt us...etc.".My brother saw through the guilt trip I was on,and when he brought me to live with him,he made me read'When I say NO,I feel guilty'.Well, no more!This book taught me that I can say"No thank you",and feel powerful because I am in control of my feelings and actions.Now, no one can 'make' me feel anything unless I want to! How free is that?!

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Summary: Historical summary of "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty".
Review: Contrary to the listing of When I Say No I feel Guilty by Amazon, it was not reissued in 1985. Its publication history is, to me, impressive as self help books go. First published by Dial Press in hardcover in January 1975, it sold over 100,000 copies that year, and public trade copies sold out entirely. Bantam published the soft cover in November of 1975 and to date 41 printings have been made with over 3.5 million copies issued. It is the only book on assertiveness to be on both the major hardcover and soft cover bestseller lists such as The New York Times, The L.A. Times, Publishers Weekly, Time Magazine, etc. The reason for its success was summed up by Professor Milt Wolpin at the 1979 American Psychological Association meetings in Toronto when he said "The assertiveness training movement is, in large part, 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty'." In the year before the publication of "Guilty" there were five trade publications that could be classified as psychological self help. By the second year after, there were over 500. "Guilty" served as a model for the psychological self help book. Dr. Wayne Dwyer, author of "Your erroneous zones" told me that when he asked his agent what he needed to do with his ms, the agent tossed him a copy of "Guilty", and said "Write yours like this." Since "Guilty", many books about "Assertiveness" were published. I have read most of them, and am glad most are now out of print. Frankly, if you are interested in learning to be assertive, Caveat Emptor, or let the buyer beware. Most of the books on assertiveness training are rubbish. You don't even have to buy a copy of Guilty. Every public and university library in the country has a copy you can borrow. But Amazon would like to pay the rent, so be nice and buy a copy from them if you can afford it. Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. [e-mail]

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Summary: eye-opening
Review: Excellent book! Teaches the goal of communicating your feelings & needs, regardless of what someone else wants you to do. The teachings in this book, if used, can disable someone's ability to manipulate. This is a classic.

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Summary: Great book on how to effictively communicate
Review: I adored this book, it gives you a detailed plan on how to express yourself, and how to avoid other's attempts to manupliate you.

Even better: this book also has real life examples from how to return a defective product, to telling your boss that you do not that extra shift, to show you how to apply what the book teaches.

[e-mail]

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Summary: Learn assertiveness skills with this excellent manual.
Review: I am a psychologist working in a college counseling center, and this is the number one book on assertiveness that I recommend to my clients. Dr. Smith begins by describing "Your 10 Assertive Rights," a reminder that we all have a right do such human things as say "I don't know" and change our minds. He then introduces various assertiveness strategies one by one, starting with the very basic skill of persistence (AKA the "broken record" technique). For each strategy, Dr. Smith presents a short dialogue vignette to help you better understand how to apply that technique to real life. Once he has thoroughly taught all of the individual techniques, Dr. Smith puts them all together and addresses assertiveness in different types of situations--ie, with your family members versus with your boss. This is a great book for anyone who is tired of not being able to say "no" and ready to learn how to change their behavior.

Rating:
Summary: Learn assertiveness skills with this excellent manual.
Review: I am a psychologist working in a college counseling center, and this is the number one book on assertiveness that I recommend to my clients. Dr. Smith begins by describing "Your 10 Assertive Rights," a reminder that we all have a right do such human things as say "I don't know" and change our minds. He then introduces various assertiveness strategies one by one, starting with the very basic skill of persistence (AKA the "broken record" technique). For each strategy, Dr. Smith presents a short dialogue vignette to help you better understand how to apply that technique to real life. Once he has thoroughly taught all of the individual techniques, Dr. Smith puts them all together and addresses assertiveness in different types of situations--ie, with your family members versus with your boss. This is a great book for anyone who is tired of not being able to say "no" and ready to learn how to change their behavior.

Rating:
Summary: Learn assertiveness skills with this excellent manual.
Review: I am a psychologist working in a college counseling center, and this is the number one book on assertiveness that I recommend to my clients. Dr. Smith begins by describing "Your 10 Assertive Rights," a reminder that we all have a right do such human things as say "I don't know" and change our minds. He then introduces various assertiveness strategies one by one, starting with the very basic skill of persistence (AKA the "broken record" technique). For each strategy, Dr. Smith presents a short dialogue vignette to help you better understand how to apply that technique to real life. Once he has thoroughly taught all of the individual techniques, Dr. Smith puts them all together and addresses assertiveness in different types of situations--ie, with your family members versus with your boss. This is a great book for anyone who is tired of not being able to say "no" and ready to learn how to change their behavior.