Rating: 
Summary: Great book for dealing with issues of verbal abuse specif'ly
Review: Having been raised in a home with my father, an alcoholic who was emotionally, psychologically, physically, and verbally abusive, and with a passively-compliant and emotionally distant mother, and with a sister who adopted our father's alcoholism and his abusive traits, and has thus brought on herself all the same problems my father had before he was 10+ years in recovery, I can say with authority that this book is definitely a fantastic and necessary supplement to any other kinds of books you may read detailing living with a person with or recovering from any kind of addiction, borderline personality disorder (a not-uncommon co-morbid occurrence in alcoholics and drug addicts, recovering or not), and abusive personality disorder. I also strongly recommend reading "The Batterer: A Psychological Profile" by Donald Dutton, who ably discusses how a batterer gets created, from the viewpoint of the psychological effects of the batterer's own upbringing. Even if you are "only" being verbally abused, you are very likely to see the similarities in behavior and understand better the genesis of the abusiveness you are enduring. The common theme is that the abuser must denigrate, belittle, and thereby "secure" others to him in order to feel "safe" and "validated". THIS EXPLAINS THEM, IT DOES NOT EXCUSE THEM!Another good area to look into is any books detailing borderline personality disorder, since BPD, verbal/physical/etc. abusiveness, and addiction are often affiliated. The only criticism, if it can be called that anyway, of this book (and of the Dutton book) is that the author does not do enough to stress the fact that women can be just as verbally/physically/etc. abusive as any man can and can have the same psychological conditions, background, and behaviors common to the men described in these books. Having been verbally and physically abused myself by my sister, then later by a young woman in my early adulthood (who came herself from a dysfunctional family), and not realizing I was being thus mistreated, I know it is possible for social conditioning and gender-based discriminatory presumptions to merely make the assumption that the offender is always or most likely to be male. (My brother for example is currently in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship but can't shake the whole "man thing" enough to even start to see it; consequently he is miserable and depressed all the time.) Given the many times I see men slapped across the face in movies and TV shows, or on the receiving end of strings of put-downs by female charcters in TV and radio shows/ads, I am quite sure the subject of how men are often abused by women verbally and physically, and that this has social sanction "in certain instances", should and will be more readily and directly taken up by the mental health community in the near future. Nonetheless, this book and the Dutton book are must-reads for anyone who's been abused in any way in the context of intimate relationships of all kinds.
Rating:
Summary: Lightening Bolts and Common Sense
Review: After spending 9 of 10 years of marriage struggling to change, to be good enough, deserving, thin, pretty, smart, financially independant, good house keeper, and being kinky enough, ALL for him. I've been called "worthless, useless, ugly, old, depressing, fat, boring, unloved, stupid, completely dependant..." just to name a few. I've been threatened, ordered, forgotten, trivialized, judged and critisized, accused and blamed. And I still held out hope that something I might say or do would convey my love, understanding, sincerity, and empathy.
This was finally the lightening bolt I so desperately needed. I now realize that no matter how much I try to be those things that he defines as a good partner - I will never be enough to him. And if I stop trying - then he defines me as selfish and uncaring. Being able to identify the abuse both covert and overt has provided me with such relief from the burden of responsibility for his abuse. But, it doesn't change the fact that I still strive to win his favor. Recognizing the abuse is half the battle. Makeing changes to my habits and behaviors will be an insurmountable undertaking. This book also helped me realize that even IF things BECOME good between us... persuit of divorce (emotionally, physically and financially) may be the only course of action to eliminate the abuse. This book opened my eyes to the fact that I do not own his anger, hatred, animosity, distancing, resentment, punishments, humiliations, disrespect, brutality, and most of all... control.
Common sense tells us that yes, this book has some generalizations and stereotyping. This is necessary to appeal to such a broad audience. Common sense enables the reader to be responsible for MAKEING the appropriate associations and to come away with the pieces that will literally change their lives.
This book should be a prerequisite for all relationships. Because in it's beginings, verbal abuse can be so subtle and so detrimental. Verbal abuse grows and festers into an ominous uncontrolable moster. There is no quick fix. Only a higher understanding that allows you to recognize it and no longer accept it or allow yourself to participate in the game. I highly recommend this book... it's a keeper to read and re-read.
Rating:
Summary: One of the Most Empowering Books I've Ever Read!
Review: This book has changed my life, helping me emerge from the repeating pattern of verbally abusive (VA) relationships. The book spelled out how I was both overtly (e.g. name calling) and subtly verbally abused. Furthermore, it helped me understand verbal abuse dynamics. Evans' observation that abusers live a reality of "power over" while the victim's reality is "mutuality and co-creation" really resonated with me helping me understand how someone could so callously. The chapter listing the categories of verbal abuse including withholding, discounting, and verbal abuse disguised as jokes was one of the most powerful for me. There were many "aha's" as I realize I had experienced them all and the accompanying deflations of spirit and ego, often without fully realizing at the time what was happening. Thanks to the revelations of this chapter, I can usually detect VA as it happens, allowing me to more consciously deal with it and better avoid the detrimental, often insidious effects. These include a loss of self-confidence and a distrust of future relationships to name 2 of many. Just the revelation the detrimental effects I had experienced helped me undo some of the damage. Although I gained some value out of the chapter on how to respond to VA, it puts too much onus on the victim to memorize all sorts of different responses for the various abuse categories. My feeling is that an abusive jerk is an abusive jerk, so memorizing these responses isn't likely to do much good, especially since abusers generally could care less about what their partners say and think. However, her discussion of when/whether to stay or leave was very thought provoking. Overall, this book has helped me so much that I cannot recommend it highly enough for both the abused and the abuser. A recovering verbal abuser going through anger management counseling borrowed this book, and told me he cried as he realized what he had done to his wife of 20 years. As for the comments about Patricia Evans "hating men" or having a bad attitude toward them, I never got that impression at all. The first sentence in the introduction is "this book is for everyone" and she goes on to acknowledge that some men suffer verbal abuse from their mates.
Rating:
Summary: One of the Most Important Books I've Ever Read
Review: For anyone who believes his/her relationship is verbally abusive, this book is ESSENTIAL. It was only through this book that I've been able to make sense of what has been going on in my relationship for over three years. The author sheds light on this subject in a way that will help the reader to understand so many things, like: exactly what verbal abuse is (it's not just the obvious: cursing, name calling), how to respond, how not to respond, how the abuser sees reality, how to get your self-confidence back, and so much more. This book should be required reading for all therapists. Therapists who approach verbal abuse in a logical way are missing the point altogether. Verbal abuse is not logical or normal, and it's not merely difficulty communicating. I have never in my life felt so strongly about any self-help book. If you identify with the scenarios and feelings on the back cover, this book is a MUST READ!!!!!
Rating: 
Summary: you will feel abused after reading this book
Review: A very simplistic look at a very serious and complicated issue. Evans illustrates her ignorance into the basic differences between men and women that any PSY101 student or reader of men are from mars...knows. She too easily characterizes simple miscommunication problems as evidence of abuse...without the possibility of error. She assumes everything is done with malice aforethought.
This is truly a serious issue and we trivialize it if we lead everyone to feel abused with such broad generalizations.
Rating:
Summary: "Denial" is the only word for those that attack this book!
Review: Some people just don't see that this book was written for only women that are being abused this way. Yes, men are verbally abused, but it is the authors intensions to deal with the women that endure this from men. The ones that bash this book should get out there and write a book for men. God knows there is not enough books written for men on this subect or books for the men that want to change. In no way do I see or understand the author to be saying that all men are abusive and that all women are abused. Sure, the author could have covered more on this subject and maybe she will in other books, but to put everything in one book would have been ludicrous. This book needs be the first book a woman in this situation should read before moving onto deeper personal issues. I have spent seven years reading books about relationships and personal growth and this book was the start of them all and any woman would be foolish to stop after reading one book. It just fires me up to see so many people misunderstand everything about this book. Do those same people think that a book about a woman recovering from rape is a book calling all men rapest?
Rating: 
Summary: don't judge
Review: I would first like to say that this is an excellent book. My reason is b/c I would have never considered myself abused. According to the book, that is the abuser's intention. I always knew he was incredibely cruel but I thought I could explain my side, what I meant to say or do. The readers below have really critisized this book to death. Well, I first have to say, YOU have not fully experienced it. It seems like a totally crazy world you're in. Second, yes, females are and can do this as well. However, I don't feel that is her (P. Evans) intention - nor is male bashing or hatred - I haven't seen anywhere in the book that it provokes an outlash of abuse. That I feel, is common sense. The truth is, the majority of females in the study (KEY WORDS BEING IN THE STUDY) ARE being verbally abused and may need help defining it. The abuse, as in the case w/ my husband, was sometimes subtle or in most cases- extreme. It depended on the mood. Males are too, however it is society telling them to be strong - another issue. This book helped me tremendously. I didn't realize that MOST verbal abusers - it escalates to physical which I happened to witness myself - he was angry w/ me and was about to break open on our son which I stopped.
After bringing to light the situation to my husband and buying this book, I was surprised he actually picked it up and read parts. He has never been interested in my feelings (he said he was and later admitted to telling me things he thought I wanted to hear) and emotions. Something that you can never understand or see mr. CA - below. After reading it, he realized he had been doing it. He knew I always told him this but didn't think of it as a problem nor thought there was such a thing as verbally abusing someone. These are extreme cases Mr. CA not THE NORMAL.
So, in short - I believe this to be a very good book. Not for male bashing as one person suggested. It is important for someone WHO IS GOING THROUGH IT EITHER MALE OR FEMALE to be validated. To know they aren't crazy and that this is real and it's not normal. It's a pity that some of these people commenting on the book are adding to the horrible feelings these people (and me) currently have.
The lists she gives in her book is a guideline. Not everything she had in there pertained to me but that is human common sense. Not EVERY FEMALE is being abused by her spouse - that is common sense. However, there needs to be an acceptance of something you, the public, are not privy to see. My husband does this when no one is around or infront of our relatives who do not speak English. Tells me he was joking, I'm fat (I weigh 145 and size 12), I was nothing before him, the list goes on and on.
Patricia Evans is not focusing on the normal situation. She is focusing on the problems that women have identifying w/ this particular problem. If you happen to be a man and this pertains to you, BRAVO for taking the first step. Typically, it is the woman though.
SHE DOES HELP THE WOMAN/MAN UNDERSTAND THAT NOTHING SHE/HE CAN SAY OR DO CAN PREVENT THESE OUTBURSTS OR HELP EXPLAIN THE VICTIM'S RESPONSE, ACTION, OR WHAT SHE/HE MEANT TO SAY. THE ABUSER DOES NOT CARE AND DOESN'T REALIZE HE IS ABUSING HER/HIM.
My husband was ashamed and now realizes he has gone beyond the normal. If we don't make it, he still needs help. I need help to stop trying to defend myself all of the time or stop explaining myself to death.
This is not hatred. It's stopping the abuse. It's helping the person if they want the help and the key is if they want it.
Rating:
Summary: Thankful That Someone Could Write and Explain Verbal Abuse!!
Review: I am so glad that a friend recommended this book. For so many years (over 30) I felt like I was one of the worst people in the whole world. I did not know what was happening to me or how to explain it. I had irritable bowel syndrome, was on anti-depressants, had all I could do to function, was in counseling and then I was told that it was not me and that I had been so verbally and emotionally abused that there was hardly anything left of me. I had to try to explain to friends and family something that I truly did not understand. I was so grateful and happy to read this book and realize IT WAS NOT ME!!! I thank God, the author, people who understood, and my new husband who rescued me and had gone through the many of the same things that I had. This book was a life saver for me......literally!!!
Rating: 
Summary: A Terrorist Attack on the Dignity of Men and the Human Race!
Review: This book is, by far, the most unfair terrorist manual on man-bashing that I've ever read! This book attempts to fan the flames of gender-hatred and to provide the equivalent of chemical/biological weapons of mass destruction to women in the supposedly escalating fight against men in the "War of the Sexes"! This book is just plain wrong. It's an irresponsible waste of paper and it should never have been published. Simple as that! I don't mean to sound inflammatory but I honestly feel that this book should be have been titled: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship. ALL Men are EVIL and ALL Women are INNOCENT VICTIMS. Death to All Men, All Of Whom Have Ruined the Lives Of All Women!" (If you read nothing else in this review, please scroll down and read the last 2 paragraphs.) This book is the definitive How-To-Manual on twisting, distorting, and reframing every innocent comment that men make and to re-perceive all male-originated comments as horrible, controlling, and manipulatively abusive. Ms Evans seems to be saying, "Stand up and fight, you flawless women (redundant term) of the world: here's how to bash back at men for every slight, whether real or imagined!" The most telling line appears on page 209 of Ms Evan's book: "Q: Isn't it appropriate to keep our focus on refusing to be abused rather than genderizing it? A: When it comes to adult-couple relationships, we can't genderize verbal abuse BECAUSE IT ALREADY IS A GENDER ISSUE." (Capital letters are mine). I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP! That's a DIRECT QUOTE! A GENDER ISSUE? Do NO women EVER abuse men? It is ALWAYS about Men abusing Women? Wow! Apparently so, if you believe Ms Evans. Example after example show how men supposedly destroy the lives of women by doing supposedly abusive things like "Abusively Interrogating Woman" (in a more balanced balance book, this might be presented as "Women should be flattered when your man asks you what you want.") Another: "Q: Why do women chose abusers? A: Women chose men who court them. Once he's 'gotten her', he believes he has certain entitlements and will begin to abuse her." (A more balance book might say, "Women AND Men need to take responsibility for choosing mates who are caring, loving, and nurturing. Men AND women in relationships need to chose those who know how to communicate their needs in a caring, loving way. Women AND Men need to improve their OWN communication skills while concurrently helping their mates to grow, maintain dignity, and improve self-respect.") But Ms Evans' ridiculously twisted comments go on and on. The only positive thing I can say about Ms Evans is that she's a genius at teaching (women) how to deny personal responsibility and twist innocent comments from men into perception of abuse! Do SOME men of our society verbally abuse women? Unfortunately: OF COURSE! Does male abuse of women need to stop! ABSOLUTELY! Even though I'm a man, I, like many of my generation, consider myself completely aligned with the feminist movement on this point! But the only pseudo-acknowledgment that Ms Evans makes to the fact that MEN are often the victims of verbally abusive attacks from WOMEN is buried in the "FAQ" section at the end of her book: "Q: Why don't you write about men's experiences of being verbally abused in relationships? A: Men are their own best authority on their experience of verbal abuse in relationships and would be the ones best able to describe their experiences. I have little if any information on this topic. From what I have heard, however, it seems that men most often experienced verbal abuse in the culture at large, especially in regard to establishing one-upsmanship with each other, and in regard to being told that they must act in certain ways, and comply with other men's ideas of what it is to be a person in order to be accepted as a man by other man." "From what I have heard"???? HUH? What DRIVEL! Does Ms Evans know NO men? Has she ever MET a man? Is she so naive that she denies that MANY woman are horrendously abusive to men? (Unfortunately, I can name at least a dozen male friends who describe their wives as viciously verbally abusive to them.) Can Ms Evans not simply acknowledge that many women often abuse the innocent, caring, and loving MEN in their lives? Apparently not. Patricia Evans is obviously a VERY bitter and I would guess sad and lonely, and perhaps even deeply disturbed woman. Frankly, if her book is any indication of her experience with men and how she truly feels about men, then I feel sorry for her. Frankly, it sounds like she has never been in a serious, long-term relationship with a man (if she has, I also feel sorry for the man). I can only hope that the women of the world recognize this book as just the latest, man-bashing, cheap-shot-swipe at the dignity of the human race! Sadly, I fear that this pathetic and poorly written attack on the human race, and specifically on male members of the human race, might succeed in setting back male-female relationships by YEARS! I hope I'm wrong. The back cover of this book quotes Oprah Winfrey: "This is a new day in America. The most important thing is to realize that you don't deserve to be treated that way." Well, Ms Evans, I agree with Oprah! I am a caring and gentle and loving and non-abusive man. And I don't deserve to be treated this way!
Rating:
Summary: A common problem, but a terrible solution
Review: This book teaches women how to dredge up little pieces of
evidence of possible hate in a relationship with a man.
It uses powerful hateful words like "abuse", "domination"
and "power over" to teach them how to turn that evidence
into real hate. It then goes on to teach women how to
fight back and thus nurture and cultivate the hate with
their male partners. This is an evil book. It is not about solving problems
and creating love. It is about how to find hate and
how to escalate it. The author is a warmonger, not a
diplomat. She provides a new warhead to add to the arms race
of the battle of the sexes. It does one bit of good to me, the man reading it. It is
probably the intended bit of good. It shows me what the
little pieces of evidence are and how they can be interpreted.
Now I can be careful to not create then in the first place
if I want to have a loving relationship with a woman. There is one thing in the book that I disagree with. The book
says that unpleasant words, verbal abuse, is born of
the need to dominate. I think it is a result of frustration. I think a person enters into symbiotic (not parasitic)
relationship with another to increase their combined quality
of life. Each one expects to give something and to receive
something. The relationship succeeds when the sum is positive.
If the expectations of each party don't match then
frustration results. The natural response to frustration is
to be unpleasant to your partner. This causes more
frustration, causing a cycle of frustration and unpleasantness.
Therefore the natural response is certainly a stupid
response. The unpleasantness takes the form of withholding what you
originally expected to give (the embargo) and then to launch
your own attacks (verbal abuse). I think the way to solve the problem is to make the partner
aware of the frustration without becoming unpleasant. Then,
each of your expectations need to be made very clear without
justification. Justification means "I have a right to that,
therefore you should give it to me unconditionally".
If an agreement cannot be found, the relationship should
terminate, because the mutual quality of life will be better
without it. I think a large problem with this is actually
knowing what your expectations really are.
|
