Rating: 
Summary: Life changing!
Review: Seven years ago a friend gave me her copy of this book with the words "I think you need to read this." My jaw almost hit the table in disbelief as I read for it seemed as if my ex-husband must had studied it beforehand! For the first time my self-doubts were turned into a recognition that I had been in an abusive relationship. It explores the backgound of why someone would allow themselves to be abused and the background of how one becomes an abuser. It directs the reader in how to deflect abuse and it gives hope that these type of relationships can be healed. As well, it gives sound advice on how to safely get out of such relationships should one decide there is no hope. I am so grateful to Patricia Evans for writing this book and so grateful to my friend. This book was the turning point in becoming the happy, life-embracing woman I am today. I'd almost go as far as recommending it for highschool curriculums so that young people could learn how to recognize abusive relationships before they are part of one.
I would also recommend "Nasty People" by Jay Carter.
Rating:
Summary: Men abusers hate this book!
Review: I don't know why I am surprised when I read the reviews by men of this book. They are really angry that someone has published the rules of the control game for all women to read. hahahahaha boys, now we all know how you think and why you are such creepy jerks to be around. I especialy enjoyed the review from the control freak whose wife left him after she read this book. You can feel his rage that someone finally exposed him to his wife. He is still obsessed with controlling her to the point of talking about her in his review of this book. hahahahaha buddy, your wife caught on to your games and left you. I've been around several of you sick weasels and your whining over losing control of a woman makes me laugh. Don't you think if you hadn't been such a control freak playing sick games your wife would still be with you? Do you really think she can suddenly decide to leave you just by reading a book? She read this book because you were making her miserable and she finally learned what your agenda was. Tough luck, better hope the next poor woman you try to control doesn't get ahold of this book!
Rating: 
Summary: A big Fat "F"!!
Review: I have read this book several times and am amazed how she has been able to fool the masses. This book gets a big fat F in my book!1.) She gives no indication of a professional standing in psychotherapy.
2.) She does not appear to provide any scientific studies to support her thesis.
3.) Her idea of a "survivor" appears to be a divorced family. Statistics show these are not healthy environments.
4.) No professional organization appears to have backed her work.
5.) All of her accounts are of one side of an abusive relationship.
6.) She claims psychotherapy is patriarchal, without backing it up. Yet we are to believe her non scientific work is valid.
7.) She runs a horrible bulletin board were the blind are doing eye surgery on themselves. Dissenters, no matter how nice, are not allowed and are removed.
8.) Many of her suggested responses to abuse are by her own definitions abusive. This list goes on.
Rating: 
Summary: More appropriately titled "The Verbally Abusive Male"
Review: Although the content and dynamics of verbal abuse are described in clear, interesting, useful ways, the anti-male slant of this book is irritating. The author's data is based on personal experiences counseling women (and very few men) and on 40 intensive interviews with women. The author's conclusion, therefore, that men are for more likely to be verbally abusive is simply a logical, methodological tautology. This analysis is a very good example of selection bias posing as objective data collection. Worth reading because of the useful typology of verbal abuse and strategies for dealing with this abuse. However, the men-as-abusers complemented by the women-as-victims orientation simply adds further support for the unsuppored Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus Misconception. (This review is written by a professor of communication studies who has taught intimacy and interpersonal communication for nearly three decades.)
Rating:
Summary: I give 4 STARS minus 3 PENALTY STARS
Review: What CONTROVERSY! Ms. Evans did an excellent job IDENTIFYING and describing 12 different types of verbal abuse. Many men and women have found this book a wonderful revelation for enabling them to even RECOGNIZE that they are the target of verbally abusive BEHAVIORS. This book is unfortunately titled because it does not target the wrong behaviors and develop or suggest constructive methods to heal the painful RELATIONSHIP. The book should be titled "VERBALLY ABUSIVE MEN". I applaud the men and women who have been able to identify verbal abuse as a disease and enemy to their happiness in life and who begin enacting appropriate methods to get rid of the horrible crushing weight, one way or another. However, review just a few of the many negative review of this book to identify the extremely flawed perspective and approach that Ms. Evans has brought to the subject. Indeed, her very approach is very damaging. Ms. Evans paints BLACK any man who has ever inappropriately yelled at or otherwise verbally abused the woman in his life, and forever labels him as the "Saddam Hussein" of husbands. Even if you do believe that the MAN in your life is accurately depicted in her anecdotes, Ms. Evans gives a few weak points to the WOMAN to stand up for herself and even give a verbal command "Stop it" for the bad behavior to stop before taking more drastic action. It's just SAD; no wonder these women are so abused. If indeed this BLACK scenario describes your current relationship, RUN DONT WALK, to your nearest courthouse, obtain a restraining order, move into an apartment or back with the parents, and file for divorce immediately. The MAN that Ms. Evans describes as your lover is indeed LUCIFER himself and he WILL destroy your soul. Unfortunately, you are not allowed to get out his .45 caliber to "defend" yourself from this type of abuse -- by law, you are required to leave the situation. I myself have many times also met these types of controlling tyrants in the workplace whose hearts cannot be melted with patient love. RUN AWAY !! Contrary to Ms. Evans' depiction, not all men thirst to control and hunger to dominate, but she does briefly describe that some men likewise live under the menace of FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED. Forgive my probably unfair stereotype as well, women too have made their gender famous for nagging, badgering, and verbally tormenting the man closest in her life. And, statistically, modern psychologists currently tout the superior verbal skills/weapon which women (on average) possess over men -- just as men possess the stronger (on average) physical skill/weapon. Ms. Evans touches on a glimpse of why more men are not revealed as verbally abused in the FAQ at the end of the book. If the man does not hide the pain delivered upon him, his defensive instinct has taught him to defend himself verbally (if irrationally) and even engage in "one upsmanship" to preserve his own dignity when verbally assaulted by another man. Personally, I am a partial casualty of Ms. Evans misguided approach and perspective of verbal abuse. My wife had psychologically assaulted me many times with her words. "You do not have faith in God" "You are afraid to buy a house" Then, she sat with "crazymaking" disbelief when I wrongly lashed back at her in verbal defense of myself. She was blind to her own verbal attacks. My approach to the problem was very wrong, but Ms. Evans' book exonerated anything inflammatory with which my wife attacked me. After reading Ms. Evans' validation of only the female perspective, my wife moved out of the house and eventually divorced me. I made changes to my behavior and stopped yelling and countering her arguements, but her newly-found delusions forbade her from making any changes in her behavior -- doing that would supposedly be giving more power to the SATAN that I am. I sometimes wish that I was that controlling man -- that discovered her reading this inflammatory book and forbade her to read it. Instead, I found it and assumed that her own intelligence and rationality would be able to pick out the positives, and then I read it myself. Even though I encouraged her completion of a degree in Psychology (yeah...??) and her sport in rock climbing, she accuses me to this day of her delusions of my control. I was/am still devastated. Ms. Evans' opinions were not contructive at all. Because of the warped perspectives and resulting disillusionment, both my former wife and I now have heavy issues in ever intimately trusting the opposite sex. If you don't actually live with SATAN (and I hope that you do not need to read this book to figure that one out) and if you want a REAL book to assist BOTH of you in your relationship, read "BONDS THAT MAKE US FREE" by C. Terry Warner. It's basic premises are to stop accusing others and stop self-excusing yourself. For some reason, all of the Amazon reviewers give 5 stars. There are no sexist charges on every 3rd review. And, if you are indeed being endlessly victimized by your lover, it will lead you to the same conclusion -- Leave and live your life with dignity and real dissociated love for the troubled soul of your former lover. That is what I hope to find eventually for my former wife.
Rating:
Summary: Better than most!
Review: The best part about this book is that it tells you how to identify verbal abuse. Now that may sound elementary, my dear Watson, but when one is stuck in an unhealthy, verbally abusive relationship, and the only other significant adult in your life (the abuser) is telling you that you have it all wrong - that you're not being verbally abused....well, you begin to lose perspective. Even after it's over, sometimes it's difficult to tell what happened. Were you abused or not? Or did you *really* have it all wrong, as the abuser kept pummeling into your head? How can you prevent it from happening again? This book is affirming and instructive. Definitely better than most I have read. Gives some concrete responses to give to the abuser. While no book has all the answers on this subject I would recommend it to anyone who is having a problem in this area.
Rating:
Summary: Slow start, but GREAT information
Review: I was taking the advice of another book (Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck), about browsing a bookstore to see where your intuition takes you, when I found this book. I started reading it as soon as I got home. At first, I didn't really like it, because it felt cold and detatched, like I was reading a doctoral dissertation. But once I got into the second half of the book, into the meat of the matter, I began to realize why I had picked it up. I felt like I'd finally found someone who knew what I was dealing with. For the first few years I was married, I took everything my husband said as gospel truth. It wasn't until I suffered severe post-partum depression and went into therapy because of it that I began to see things as they really were. I remember very clearly, like a lightbulb going on in my head, the instant when I realized my husband didn't always know what he was talking about. Ever since that day, I have tried to figure out how to deal with him. I have tried to explain things to him, have tried to tell him how I feel. Sometimes I have said nothing at all. None of these things have worked, and often they have made things worse. Now I know why. This book has helped me to understand that it's not WHAT he says, but WHY he is saying it. It's all a matter of power, dominance, and superiority. I have suspected this for a long time. It's nice to know that I'm right. I have prayed for an answer on how to deal with my husband--what I should say, what I should do. With this book, I feel like my prayers have finally been answered.
Rating:
Summary: very good
Review: I found the book very helpful. I have ordered another book written by the same author, I liked this one that much. The insights on what is verbal abuse and how it makes one feel was right on. The only thing that I did not agree with and that I felt was misleading, was that the author constantly assumed that verbal abuse would only happen in private. I personally feel that most people who are verbally abusive are also very good manipulators and can make others believe that the verbal abuse they direct at you is justified and deserved.
Rating:
Summary: Great book
Review: First the negative. I do agree that this book is written entirely from a female point of view. Ms Evans doesn't deny this. The introduction states that the book is for everyone but is based on the experiences of women. I wrote to her expressing my disappointment and she replied thus: "I was the first person in history to not only name and describe a verbally abusive relationship, but also to say that men experience this too.
About 1/2 of one percent of the 30,000 people I've heard from are men who have been verbally abused in their relationship." No problem me thinks. She acknowledges that men are also victims, just that the book is written from the experiences of women. My problem is that in the FAQ section she says that men are their own best authority on their experience of verbal abuse in relationships and that she has little if any information on the topic. This, to me, seems to imply that verbal abuse of men by women is in some way different. I just don't think that is the case. While there may be some differences in how the abuse manifests itself, the underlying principle is the same. I am a man and was verbally abused by a woman for almost two years, and this book certainly applies to those two years. Later in the book she speaks about the causes, or 'the origins of the behaviour of the abuser'. After reading that section, it's clear to me that these 'origins' have no reason to be limited to males. I feel that to some extent, writing this book, she had a duty to study men's experiences. She says that about half of one percent of victims she's heard from are males. If this is true, I would say it is a reflection of the differences between men and women's willingness to talk about such things. It may also, and this is the sad part, be a reflection of how men are less likely to recognise verbal abuse in their relationships. And why is this? I'm quite sure that this is because books such as this one fail to really acknowledge that men are suffering too. Books like this further propagate the idea that it's only men that do the abusing. The book promotes mutuality and equality, and rightly so, but it does look somewhat hypocritical when dealing solely from the female point of view. I really don't know but if I had to estimate the proportion of female to male victims in western society, I'd say it was around 50/50. Apart from that, I think it's a great book and well worth the read. It made a lot of sense to me, answering many, many questions. I was disappointed to read the odd negative review. I think it is important to understand that this book is not about fixing a troublesome relationship where both partners may 'bring out the worst in each other'. This is something very different. If you have been or are in a truly abusive relationship you will need no prior definition of the terms 'crazymaking' or 'walking on eggshells'. It was terms such as these that first led me to read this book. I didn't feel that something was wrong, I knew it was wrong, and not because we needed to communicate more, or consider each other's needs more, but because things made no sense whatsoever; the principal facet is 'confusion'; you continually doubt your own perceptions.
This book certainly does not apply to every 'bad relationship'. It's not about saying the wrong thing. It goes far more deeper than that. It's about understanding two different realities. If this book applies to you, you will know it after a couple of chapters, and you won't be writing any bad reviews. If you feel you may be the victim of abuse, buy it.
Rating:
Summary: EXCELLENT BOOK. Everyone Should Read this Book
Review: This book has saved my life and allowed me to transform a disrespectful, devaluating, and disempowering relationship. My relationship is now much much much more healthy as a result of this book. I canNOT express enough how this book has allowed me to regain my life back and truly empowered myself. Before I read this book, I was absolutely miserable and confused and felt hopeless. Reading this book has been a MAJOR TURNING POINT IN MY LIFE towards self-healing and self-empowerment. Patricia Evans explains everything in a very articulate and gentle fashion. She is very well read on this topic. She clearly explains the psychological and emotional damage that is done to the victim due to verbal abuse. I never realized how disempowered I was due to this abuse. TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK. BUY THIS BOOK. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST. YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID!!!! DO IT FOR YOURSELF.
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