Rating: 
Summary: A Lifeline for the Abused Male
Review: This book was a lifeline for me at a time when I was starting to doubt almost everything in a rapidly disintegrating marriage. Patricia Evans does, indeed, write almost exclusively from the viewpoint of the verbally abused female, but, from my perspective as the abused, words are even more damaging, when the attacker is female, because our society cannot comprehend the case where a man can't defend himself.
Every marriage has its own assumptions, and what may work in one will not apply in another. In our case, my wife was extremely controlling, and for years I brought home the check and handed it over. I learned, when I finally wanted a more-equal say in aspects of raising our children and planning our financial future, that I was no longer appreciated. Later, Susan Forward's book, Emotional Blackmail, validated my feelings about her need to control me and all others in our life. Verbal attacks included many of those listed in Evan's book, from subtle digs through to outright insults in front of the children, profanity at night (when no-one else would see), and suggestions of [my} mental illness to any suggestable ear. I found it very helpful to recognize the overall attack and re-claim my pride. Initially, no one, aside from a few of my in-laws, would even believe that she could behave this way. Our priest, lawyers, and even the court social worker initially didn't see it. One of my memories is being told by a degreed psychologist that her swearing was "only words"...nothing to be concerned about.
Human abusive behavior is a mix of verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, blackmail, behind-the-scenes attacks, gossip, hostage-taking (our children are still suffering, as her weapons), character assassination, and more. And men can surely be the targets as well, even when the PC view won't accept it, and the courts won't consider it.
I recommend this book and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward for the men out there who don't know what's happening or who won't believe it yet. Such abuse succeeds as long as the abused (man or woman) lets it continue. Understand that you have value and valid feelings and step in to break that cycle. The pain of change turns out to be less than the pain of staying in the same situation, and you recognize this when you lose your fear.
Rating: 
Summary: great for much needed information
Review: I'm a young professional with a degree in Psychology. I also did volunteer work and have had about 100 hours of hotline and advocacy training for crisis intervention.Appearance:
A small caveat is that the book screams "Look at me!" which was great for finding it, but drew too much attention while I was reading it. Some people may be self-conscious. Content:
Part I helps you identify verbal abuse with things like check-lists and examples of how you would feel if you were verbally abused. The author explains what she thinks is the cause of it and talks about the different realities the partners live in with regards to the use of power. Abusers used "Power Over" to dominate whereas the victims and non-abusers uses "Personal Power" for mutual cooperation.
Part II describes the different types of verbal abuse such as witholding (not sharing feelings), discounting (denying the reality, experience, and feelings of the victim), disparaging jokes, criticizing, accusing and blaming, name calling, and threatening. Then the book goes on to discuss what victims can do and how they can respond, both in the moment, and in the long run. The author also covers the underlying dynamics of abuse. Pros:
I thought the book was extremely helpful in both identifying verbal abuse and giving examples of the forms it takes. I like how the author provides options of response that aren't just "run away and never look back" since that might not be feasible for some people. It's a good, thorough wake-up call and helpful in identifying your situation as well as understanding others who are experiencing abuse. For those reasons, I say get the book. Cons:
1. The book is biased towards men. In some parts, I felt like I was being preached to. There's also no exploration of the specifics of relationships where women are the abusers or where both partners are mutually abusive or non-heterosexual relationships since the book is based on interviews with female survivors.
2. It presents verbal abuse as very black and white. The stories presented are sometimes extreme. This can open the door for either more self-denial and questioning, or denial by the abuser. Especially if the abuse is in the early stages, it's easy to think "That's not *my* significant other! S/he is not that bad."
3. I think calling survivors "victims" reinforces an abused person's view that they are helpless but I can see using it to drive home the point that abuse is not your fault. The author does address the fact (in the FAQ) that once you realize your situation, you can take control.
4. The book is well-written but not formatted well for quick skimming or referencing. Lists were helpful, but beyond that there were few or no bulleted points, highlighted advice, or chapter summaries...just page after page of unmarked paragraphs that I would have to read through to find the info I needed at the time.
5. Immediate action boils down to setting limits and saying "stop it!" So my only option if I wanted to stay in an abusive relationship is to say "Stop it!" and see a therapist? What if I can't afford a therapist?
6. The author seems to discount support from friends, not mentioning it much and thinking everyone will be fooled by the charming abuser. This may be the case sometimes, but not always. Overall:
A good book for information about the actual abuse and finally validating the abused person's feelings, but not as good as I had hoped in detailing the dynamics of abusive relationships. I also would've liked more evidence cited and more advice on what to do and possible options and fewer unsubstantiated opinions. It's a good book to read, but it could've been better.
Rating:
Summary: A Vademecum to Abuse
Review: There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless - is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse. Evans concentrates on verbal (and, thus, psychological) abuse. She offers a detailed classification of such abusive conduct and a cornucopia of coping methods. Her book is an indispensable primer to victims of abuse, scholars, judges, policemen, guardians ad litem, psychological evaluators and family members of abusers. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".
Rating:
Summary: Excellent book!!!! Priceless information.
Review: I read this book in two days and have given it to my spouse to read. This is what we have been looking for to help heal our relationship. Very good people can be effected by verbal abuse either through their own use or anothers. It can really damage a relationship. I purchased another copy for a friend. Prior to giving it to her I loaned the copy to my mother. She returned it the next day because it was so interesting she bought one for herself. I highly recommend this book. It was a very easy read with priceless information and insight. Patricia Evans really connected and put it on paper. Thank you! Thank you! I also recommend Why Does He Do That? by Lundry Bancroft.
Rating:
Summary: A great book about personal accountability
Review: I found this book to be tremendously valuable. The author is very insightful and offers sage advice and an empowering tool for individuals who wish to address verbal abuse in their relationships- either as a result of their own behavior or someone elses. I think it is valuable to call attention to one who suffers the problem of being in destructive abusive patterns of using manipulation to gain control to read and recognize that their behaviour is abusive. Likewise it is useful in assisting one who is being abused in recognizing abusive behavior that is used to manipulate him or her. " A rose by any other name...." This book helps elucidate that abuse under any other guise... such as "teaching" or "constructive criticism" or a means of getting ones own way, or a means of getting things done efficently is nonetheless still abuse when manipulative and destructive attacks at a person are employed. The short term gain yields long term consequnces. For the victim, Patricia Evans gives great advice on how to respond to the verbal abuser's attempts at gaining control and domination of others.
Additionally, I think marriage counselors in particular would be wise to pay attention to Patricia Evan's criticism that it often happens that in working with couples in order to change the behavior patterns of abuse that the accountability of the abuser gets lost. While it is true that it only takes one participant in the "dance" to change their behavior- and it needn't be the abuser, but the abused person's response can effectively change patterns, Patricia Evan's does not allow this wisdom to de-emphasize the need for personal accountabilty of the abuser him/herself. She addresses this in an effective manner which is validating to those who HAVE changed their behaviour in response to abuse because it works! This book is one anyone who feels they are being unfairly scapegoated as the CAUSE of another's abusive behavior can use to arm themselves against that particularly insidious form of abuse. Additionally she addresses the issue of abuser's tendency to not deliniate others who are in close relationshiops from themselves. She effectively calls to light the problem of asserting self with one who constantly critizizse and even attempts to shape another's opinion out of insecurity whenever there are views that differ from their own.
A good read that almost anyone can benefit from as we all have power struggles at some point in our lives whether in personal or working relationships. Patricia Evans identifies what methods are indeed abusive when employed in an attempt to either acquire or maintain power.
Rating:
Summary: verbal abusive is so very true a great book
Review: Thank you for this book it save my life to an abuser who
control my life my feelings he humilated me brain wash my
daugther. My self esteem is back in check I'm stronger
I love myself I am in a custody battle with my husband he
trying to take my daughter away from me. Play mind games
and making threats this book help me to deal these issues
without losing control. I'm in a process of a divorce in which
I initiate. I'm being harrass by him the book help me to get
in control of my situation. He constantly verbal abuse me and still is doing it but I'm dealing with that thru my lawyer. I e-mailed
you before and you gave me good advice and I took it. I'm
feeling alot better now because the longer I stayed with him the
sicker I got. I'm well now this book brought be along way\
Thanks Patricia for writing this book and may God Bless you
Ms W L Pete
Rating:
Summary: Enlightening
Review: This book was extremely eye opening! It is a must read for anyone who thinks they could be abused. It validates and describes verbal abuse and it's effects on the partner. This book clearly put a year long hellish relationship in perspective. I am healing and have moved on from a person that could have destroyed me with his mean, manipulating, condescending ways. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Rating:
Summary: For the landmark book on verbal abuse, start here.
Review: As a criminal prosecutor with 15 years of experience, having worked on numerous domestic violence cases ranging from assault to intentional murder, I found Patricia Evan's book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship to be a revolutionary, definitive, and validating text on the subject of verbally abusive relationships. Revolutionary, because it seeks to shed light on one of our cultures long-ignored social taboos. Definitive, because it puts words to concepts whose dialogue was previously muted by a lack of community awareness and common language. And finally, validating for those who have suffered in the cruel isolation created through verbal abuse and controlling behaviors. If you are a reader looking for a legitimate starting point on the subject of verbal abuse, Patricia Evan's book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, is the place to start. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is not advocacy, but rather presents an education in recognizing, and contending with, verbally abusive behaviors. The Verbally Abusive Relationship begins by defining varying realities, and the role these realities play in verbally abusive relationships. In addition to introducing the reader to new concepts and vocabulary in a world of dysfunctional interpersonal communication, Patricia Evans goes on to provide essential information necessary for recognizing and ultimately surviving, the destructive effects that come from living in a relationship filled with verbal abuse. Francis Bacon wrote that "knowlegdge is power." In this sense, Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship empowers those who have suffered from the abuse of controlling partners. But, like any written work whose contents threaten to undermine the power of those who have chosen, through abuse, to subjugate their partner, this book will draw detractors. After more that a decade in publication, The Verbally Abusive Relationship's success and truth can be measured in lives saved, or detractor's protests. Either way, it presents a truth that is disempowering to abusers, and empowering to victims of verbal abuse.
Rating:
Summary: A Must Read for EVERYONE
Review: I bought this book in hopes of finding validation for my own feelings of frustration. I'd previously heard and read about "setting boundaries". After reading this book, I could actually DO IT for myself! I'm an extremely strong personality that has set masterful boundaries for myself my entire life, but rarely got what I wanted. Now I'm getting what I want! At first look, I thought this was a book about wives in abusive marriages. Then I learned that almost every one of us has been verbally abused ourselves AND has verbally abused someone else. While the word "Abusive" definitely belongs in the title, I bet it scares some people away - DON'T LET IT SCARE YOU. I now understand the general workings of the minds of myself, my husband, my daughters, my friends, my parents, my co-workers. Understanding the "why" of things is the first hurdle to acquiring the knowledge to CHANGE things for the BETTER! MOMS and DADS take note: This book is for you. Don't let your children live out their days stuck in their childhood reality. How this can happen to them and ways to help your children over the hurdle of childhood pain and fears into a more "grounded" adulthood is included in this book.
Rating:
Summary: Thank God for this book!
Review: I am married to a verbal abuser, who like all of the other ones deny the abuse. This book is God sent! After reading Ms. Evans' book, I have started taking more aggressive steps towards stopping it! While I knew that my husband's behavior was not "normal" or as she puts it, a part of "Reality I," I didn't realize there were so many categories of verbal abuse. Originally, I focused and was stuck in the name calling category, but after reading this book, I discovered that there are multiple areas of verbal abuse. I thank God that Ms. Evans wrote this book, because for 3-1/2 years I have prayed, fasted and cried for an answer on how to deal with my husband. You see I am married to a man in a public position, who falls into 98% of all of the categories mentioned in the book. In the beginning, I did not discuss the abuse with anyone because of his status, but then I realized that I would burst if I did not discuss it with someone. I have begun to implement your response procedures and am awaiting the one to two month period to see if he changes. If there is no manifestation, I will take my actions, yes MY THOUGHTS, FEELINGS AND ACTIONS, to the next level. I have begun to once again trust my thoughts, judgments and opinions. Again, this is a must read book for ANYONE (male or female) who is the recipient of this type of behavior, and I plan to share it with a co-worker. This book has done a terrific job of exposing them! I made a copy of the page about the categories and shared it with a therapist. The only negative comment I had is, I wish she would have given more examples from the women interviewed. Unfortunately, many people diminish verbal abuse because they don't see the severe internal bruises and scars.
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