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Summary: Men are abused too! The book IS RELEVANT!
Review: For those who think that this book neglects female abusing male situations, Patricia Evans is quite clear from the start that it does occur. Simply reverse the gender if needed. This is an excellent book. I got it about 6 months after leaving my wife, and suddenly I understood what had happened. I marked every relevant phrase and was astonished at the end to have marked 50% of the book.
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Summary: Learn the "truth" about verbal & physical abusers - a must!
Review: I have experienced the confusion, self doubt, hurt and almost every one of the types of verbal abuse listed in the book. I am SICK of being lied to by abusers who were taught to abuse at their father's knee....then they blame it on you! I am so relieved to find out that no matter how hard I try, I will never talk, act or think "right" enough to please this sick man who only seeks for power and control over me. His lies are exposed with this book. His powerlessness and fear of his own feelings are his problems, not mine any more. I will NEVER take his abuse again. The more I defend myself and speak the truth, the more abusive he becomes. He says I have a "mouth" and am the "bitch", but they are really his defects. I have filed for divorce and will NEVER try to have a discussion or healthy interaction with this crazymaking male again. Thank you Patricia Evans for being a light in the darkness. I will NEVER get involved with an abusive man again. I am committed to believing in my perceptions and feelings again. No more knife in the stomach feelings from him threatening to hurt or leave me. No more believing his twisted lies. No more trying to be mutual with an anti-mutuality, antisocial, destroyer and controller. Everything he says to me is merely his projection of his own issues and hang ups onto me. I refuse to accept it. After you have been abused for so long, it destroys any love and trust there once was. His "nice guy" act that he puts on for his parents, his children and everyone else in the world, which was what initially attracted me to him, is NOT what I live with at home. He is his worst self at home behind closed doors. I want to tell everyone the truth that he is abusive, not a "nice guy" at all and never cover up for his tortureous meanness again. I have been so manipulated, controlled and lied to. Thank you again Patricia for giving me the power and the information to free myself from this hell! I feel sorry for his next victim who believes his "nice guy" act. He admitted, "Who has the energy to keep up that kind of a facade?" two months after the wedding, when he made a decision to be withholding and countering instead of empathetic when I tried to share something with him. I have been trying to get someone who isn't interested in loving, understanding and being mutually involved in the realtionship to care instead of control and abuse. What a waste of my time. This book has empowered me and set me free! He almost completely destroyed my spirit, self belief and self esteem. Rather than try to extrapolate love, from an emotionally deal,unavailable person, I am focusing on the hurt and anger I feel at how abusively I have been treated. Good bye abuser! There are so many good qualities about me that I need to remember and honor, and so much love, warmth, caring and understanding I have to give - first to myself so I can heal my still bleeding wounds. I send my love and concern to all women everywhere who have suffered this abuse. It's not right and we shouldn't put up with it. There is no justification for it - EVER. Let's stop loving, serving and enabling these men who hurt us. It's supposed to be about LOVE, not hurt. I still believe there is a man out there who is healthy, who knows how to love and who won't treat me this way. I pray we will find each other some day.
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Summary: I learned that I had every right to feel off-ballance.
Review: I stayed in a verbally abusive relationsip longer than I would have if I had not found it so difficult to put my misgivings into words. There was the shame of complaining about behaviors that were on the surface benign or positive or just feelings without words. This book gave me the words and the validation I needed..I would like to remind the author that women are not the only ones who can suffer verbal abuse, which can be subtle and insidious.
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Summary: I wish someone had given me this book 38 years ago
Review: A friend of a friend sent this book to my friend..After reading the first chapter I realized that I would have saved myself years and years of emotional abuse.. I'm breaking the cycle and relearning and reteaching myself and my family members.. I have worked on verbal abuse as emotional abuse, verbal abuse in high school sports and verbal abuse and the relationship to substance abuse and eating disorders
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Summary: Frighteningly inaccurate premises, some helpful techniques
Review: As a licensed counselor who specializes in violent relationships and women's issues, I was frankly horrified by the unprofessionally simplistic, Evil-Abuser-Innocent-Victim mentality upon which Ms. Evans' work is built. She would have done abused women a better service by leaving out the first seven chapters and sticking strictly to the communication aspects of abusive relationships. Her specific techniques for responding to verbal inappropriateness are helpful.
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Summary: Sadly lacking in help for abused men
Review: Much-needed book but sadly lacking in help for male victims of verbal abuse. Although recent research indicates that men are as often the victims of abuse as are women the author ignores their plight. The author erroneously claims verbal abuse is a gender issue - of men abusing women.
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Summary: Finally ... A light at the end of the tunnel!
Review: Reading this book once was not enough for me as the information in it was so awesomely freeing and profound that I outlined the book in a journal and wrote examples of each type of abuse I had experienced so as to recognize it better in the future... to realize that I live in a totally different reality than my abusers was absolutely amazing... and such a relief... NO wonder the more I tried to apologize, to explain, to accept the blame, to share my innermost self.. the more frustrated and sad I became.. well game is over.. IM ON to it now and the abusers in my life are in for a huge surprise!
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Summary: My Breakthrough to Understanding and Freedom!
Review: As with many other readers, I felt a great burden lifted from me as I began to read through Ms. Evan's two books on verbal abuse. I have a college degree and I had a very successful and satisfying career before I met my (now) husband. His abusive behavior manifested only after I became pregnant with our first child and had to leave my job. Without money (and therefore power) I was dependent on him for everything and vulnerable to his manipulation, caustic remarks and threats. What a mind trip! Reading this book gave me the courage and determination I needed to flee to a shelter for abused women. I finally left because I felt the emotional stress would threaten the life of my unborn child. At the shelter I received more affirmation and the practical tools I needed to get back on the road to recovery. Eventually my husband attended anger-management classes and continues to deal with his issues while I continue to heal. Attending a 15 week course for abuse survivors helped me to understand myself-concept, my childhood and other factors which contributed to my "putting up" with an abusive partner. Our relationship is still not totally in the clear, but I can honestly say that we've come a long, long, long way. To those readers who feel that Ms. Evans is unfair in her assertion that men are usually the perpetrators of abuse, please, please research the facts yourself. Statistically speaking, men are the primary initiators of abuse. This does not mean that women are not abusive; some women are. However, I feel that the author's emphasis on men serves a very important purpose because, as many victims know, those who do not understand abuse dynamics often presume that women victims somehow provoke men to abuse and therefore are perpetrators themselves. I feel that readers should try to remember that the author is not trying to exclude men as victims, but is merely focusing on men because they represent the majority (or perhaps the most reported) segment of the population who are perpetrators.
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Summary: excellent descriptions and excellent suggestions to handle
Review: This is the best book I have read about verbal abuse. I am an attorney and come across women (and a few men) who are in verbally and emotionally abusive relationships. Because verbal abuse is usually done in secret, it is not witnessed by others. This book helps the victim understand how to recognize abuse, validates the victim's perception of what is happening and offers solid suggestions as to what to do to control abuse and to protect oneself.
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Summary: Did You Video-Tape My Relationship???
Review: After his counselor suggested that I read your book, & that I would find myself on every page, I had to READ it. I couldn't put it down. I never knew what Verbal Abuse was, now I had answers to all the Questions that I had for so long. I felt like you had video-taped the last several years of our 13 year relationship. I had became a FROG!!!! He has been gone now for 3 months, & still trys to use Power Over Control but when I say Stop That Is Verbal Abuse, he has no idea of how to react. Everytime I feel like he is gaining Control again I pick it up & read a couple of chapters, to remind myself that it is not me. NO matter where I open it I find something he has done or tried. I am learning how to go on with MY LIFE, & it feels Great to know Me again. I have bought 3 of these books for friends & everyone in my support group has also bought & read it. I want to say THANK YOU PATRICIA, my Friend!!!!
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