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Summary: A priceless tool for helping others
Review: I am a pastor and discovered this book when I was counseling a parishioner who was in a terrible marriage. It changed her life; she left him, got divorced, moved to a new town, and is now remarried and, as she puts it, "The happiest I've ever been." I DO NOT find the book anti-male, as one reviewer suggests. I think it merely recognizes that the vast majority of abuse is male on female. One of the wonderful things about the book is that it includes a descriptive checklist: Is this, or this, or this, for example, true of your relationship. My experience is that many women in verbally abusive relationships don't know there's anything wrong happening. This book allows them to name a problem they've FELT but not had a name for. Since that first parishioner, I've given this book to innumerable women (and one man). The person has ALWAYS thanked me profusely, and told me, "It changed my life."
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Summary: Finally, it all made sense!
Review: After almost 15 years of being married to an "Anger Addict" (as described in the book), I went to my doctor begging for a prescription for Prozac. After careful and wise probing, she gave me the prescription, but also strongly suggested I read this book. I read it on Monday, I filed for divorce on Friday. Finally, after years of trying EVERYTHING I understood why I was exhausted, hopeless, and no closer to the solution than the day I got married. This book helped me realize: It wasn't all my fault. I could never be perfect enough to stop the verbal "rages". He would have to be willing to seek counseling/therapy in order for the verbal abuse to stop (which he consistently refused to do). And, most importantly, it let me know that the verbal abuse really was doing serious, long-term damage to me as a person. I always thought if he would just "hit me" then I could leave. I learned he'd been "hitting me" (so to speak) for years. If you even THINK you might be in a verbally abusive relationship (it's not always obvious when you're in the middle of it), I highly recommend you read this book. I finally have a peaceful, content life: due in part to the courage and understanding I gained from reading it. And I didn't have to use that Prozac prescription!
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Summary: There is a name for it.......crazy making
Review: A girlfriend of mine gave me this book to read after my husband just left with no note or call, then to find out he had filed for divorce. I thought it was me and that I was crazy after being with him. Upon reading this book, the relief that settled over me was amazing. Here was a word "crazy making" that discribed our relationship. I look forward to reading her next book, "survivors speak out".
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Summary: lucky36@earthlink.net
Review: I have been in this type of relationship since the day I was born. You get so used to a way of life you don't reconize it as abusive. This book, really helped me focus on what the most smallest form verbal abuse is. It also helped with the emotional abuse. I find it very enlighting and helpful, especially on how to deal with it. It's your choice to say "Stop it", I will not accept this. The book really helps identify the abuse. I also recommend all of Iyanla Vanzant's books, and tapes. Very uplifting.
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Summary: A most unhelpful attitude
Review: Having lived many years with a woman who engaged in frequent verbal abuse (frankly, much worse than most of the examples in this book), I'm dismayed by Ms. Evans' complete portrayal of verbal abuse as a man's problem.The promotional material for this book give no hint to the depth of Ms. Evans' anti-male bias. But she starts out her book with a blunt statement that verbal abuse is a gender issue. After a token sentence acknowledging that women can engage in verbal abuse, she launches into hundreds of pages of what can only be described as male-bashing. I would say that about 40% of the material in this books actually just relates to typical male patterns in dealing with conflict. Granted, these patterns are hurtful and need to be addressed. But for this book to categorize them as "abuse" - while ignoring the similarly hurtful patterns that women typically have - is pure misandry. I would recommend a thorough reading of "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" before tackling this book. The remaining 60% of the material does identify verbally abusive patterns, but these are again obscured by so completely attributing them to men. The real culprit here is anger. While there are gender-related ways of expressing - and reacting to - anger, this topic probably deserves a chapter, not a whole book. Even if one ignores the gender bias of the book, and focuses on the real nature of verbal abuse, there is still one more complaint. This is that the underlying attitude is one of blaming, just barely short of hate-mongering (if you want some proof, just read some of the other reviews here). From this aspect, I would recommend an alternative book: "You can't say that to me!", by Suzette Haden Elgin. It's much more likely to give you a way to deal with verbal abuse, without leaving you steeped in ill-will.
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Summary: It's true... this book *can* change your life!
Review: This book really can change your life. It certainly changed mine. Not just in my personal relationships... how I related to myself and to the world as a whole, as well. If ever you have felt 'one-down' in an exchange with someone, anyone, this book can help. What ever you pay for it - it's well worth it!
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Summary: A definite eye opener!
Review: What an eye opener this was! After 19 years in a relationship that I knew something was wrong with, but couldn't pinpoint, here it was in black and white. It was like it had all been written about my experiences. I kept thinking that something was wrong with me and that I was not capable of a normal relationship. How wrong I was! I admit that I'm not perfect, but even worse was that I was taking on some abusive characteristics myself, and on my way to becoming angry and mean like my abuser. That was an aspect that really horrified me, and convinced me that I did the right thing in getting out when I did. I deserve better than that. I appreciated the style of the author - it was written for the average person, not directed at the level of a therapist, and easily understood. Too often self help books are written in a more technical style that makes them tougher to comprehend, if you can get through them at all. Excellent work, Patricia Evans!
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Summary: Presents an overly simplistic, one-sided view of the problem
Review: In this book it's hard to separate the wheat for the chafe. Ms. Evan's comment in the introduction that men also are verbally abused but they don't feel the same level of fear, is sexist. As a male victim of a verbally abusive relationship I know that for a fact that it can be terrifying. Ms. Evans doesn't look for alternate explanations for the "abusive" situations she presents in her book. For example, she presents one story where she states that a women is verbally abused because her husband undermines her confidence every time she sits down to study for a course by asking "Is everything alright?". The women then blames her poor grades on her husband. An alternate take on the story: The women takes a course that she has trouble with. When she studies she has a look of worry on her face. The husband, out of genuine concern for his wife, asks "Is everything alright?". After the women does poorly in the course she can't take responsibility for her self so she finds a way to blame her husband by claiming he was verbally abusive. This book does address a topic that sorely needs addressing. Unfortunately, Ms. Evans simplistic handling of the topic and her blatant sexist attitude make this a book to avoid rather than to read.
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Summary: I feel like RipVanWinkle-it's a new world!
Review: After reading your book I came away with a new understanding of personal relationships in my life. Not only have I been choosing abusive partners, but my mother and sisters remain verbally abusive to this day. I feel this knowledge will assist me now with my frequent interations with these relatives. I feel I have my Personal Power or Spirit back and that my Reality II self-esteem was getting better with every page I read. I too need to work on projecting as described in the book as I see myself doing to others as I was taught by my parents. All in all it was a very mind opening read. Thank you for making it so clear.
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Summary: This book caused a physical reaction of shock--literally!
Review: Reading this book made me physically ill--I could not read it for long periods of time. My heart raced; my mouth was dry and my blood "ran cold." Coming to understand what I had been living with for over 40 years--verbal abuse--was so painful that I could not face it all at once. The loss of my denial provided such a frightening revelation that my views on relationships, people, society and power went through fundamental changes. This book is a very powerful tool for identifying and changing abusive relationships, therefore I give it 5 stars, but it is also gender-biased and has an extreme feminist political agenda. I would like to see the issue of abuse of men by women addressed, and the possibility of reciprocal and complicit behaviors discussed. But, it is an eye-opener that can change lives.
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