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Summary: Not alone out there
Review: I never expected to be so ambiguous in what seems like such a simple decision. This book, and the other reviews, helped me realize that I'm not the only one out there wrestling with this problem. My spouse is a good provider, a hard worker, a good person, someone I admire and enjoy but who does not fullfill or excite me. I didn't know if I was simply looking to greener grasses and having unreasonable expectations or if I truly would be happier in another relationship. This book didn't give me the cut and dry solution I was looking for, but it did bring clarity as to what the core of the problem is for us. Now I can give us the true chance we deserve. I found the information very helpful. I agree with a former reviewer, however, that if you are mad or upset...you may want to read the book, think about it, and give it some time. Your state of mind can influence the answers enormously. I plan on re-reading it 6 months from now, after we have made some changes and re-reviewing our situation at that time. If my answers are unchanged I know I will be happier leaving, but if things have gotten even a little better I know to give it more time.
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Summary: super
Review: i reread it 2 times and it has helped me save my relationship, knowing if it is worth fighting for or walking away from. with out this book i would have walked and lost the best man in the world
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Summary: #1 Guideline {excerpt}
Review: GUIDELINE #1 If, when your relationship was at its "best," things between you didn't feel right or work well, the prognosis is poor. I feel comfortable saying that you'll feel you've dis-covered what's right for you if you choose to leave. Quick take. If it never was very good, it'll never be very good.
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Summary: Great Book - But Don't Go It Alone!
Review: This book is definitely a big help in defining what's important and bringing focus to what is bothering you about a relationship. HOWEVER, I would not reccomend using it as the only tool in defining a relationship - if you're unhappy when you're reading it you are not going to remember the good things - you are not going to be objective! Use this as a tool with a good therapist or counselor - do not use it alone. It can bring perspective to your situation and make you remember why the relationship you are in is "too good to leave"!
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Summary: A Great Help!
Review: This book somehow manages to give very personalized, specific insight -- more so than the counselor I WAS working with would give me.Three years ago I married a kind, loving man whom I do love dearly. Shortly after we got married, our relationship changed significantly -- less intimacy, clear communication, and discovered he was an alcoholic. I spent the next 3 years wondering what to do, and then had this book recommended to me by my counsellor. This guide helped me tremendously in figuring out how to approach my difficult situation -- I still love my husband but have fallen out of love with "us". I've also had a meaningul affair and "Too Good..." helped me make sense of what motivated me to do it. I still haven't decided definitively what to do, but I am much clearer on our sitution.
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Summary: Too Good To leave too bad to stay.....
Review: This was the best marital advice book I have ever read and I've read lots of them. I just wish I had read it 10 years sooner!
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Summary: Do you love your partner, or your misery?
Review: Mira Kirshenbaum takes a very helpful approach to resolving ambiguity around troubled relationships. Instead of helping you weigh a "balance scale" of pros and cons, she asks you to instead consider 36 "yes or no" questions, much like a physical exam in which a doctor would determine whether you have a cold or flu. The book is most helpful if you agree with the author's premise (not revealed until the end) that each of the 36 issues represent a "fatal flaw" (or prerequisite for success, depending on the issue). That is, your relationship assessment must run the gauntlet through all of these issues, or the prognosis is dim. If you "fail" on ANY ONE factor, the author believes most people will be happier leaving. Some people may need to hear this advice. For example, one question is, "Has there been more than one incident of physical violence in your relationship?" Other people, reading in the midst of extraordinary pain or difficulty, may be discouraged prematurely. For example, currently separated couples "fail" in third question. "Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?" The best thing about this book? If you can read it without failing any of its tests, then you should feel extremely confident your relationship is salvageable and worth the effort. Fail one or two tests? Then at least you can focus your thinking on those areas if you're not ready to move on.
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Summary: I have yet to receive this book, but it was recommended
Review: However, I find it interesting that when I read the several reviews here I noticed that the vast majority of readers either said that they had decided to leave, or left me with the impression that they were leaning towards leaving. I can only think of one review where the writer said explicitly that they had decided to stay. Whether anything can be inferred by this observation, I am unsure. But I thought that it was interesting to note. I guess what I'm getting at is this. I hope that this book does truly help me, and others, make an unbiased decision in their given relationship. But for now, just based on the reviews, it seems that this book might be slanted to those that have a tendency to leave their relationship.
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Summary: This Book Gave Me Back My Life!
Review: After a 20+ year marriage to a decent guy who was a good provider but not in any way my true friend, lover or life's partner, I had tried everything imaginable to make sense of my commitment -- especially because we had two children. I sought years of psychotherapy, read a library's worth of self-help books, listened to every "relationship expert" from Tony Grant to Barbara DeAngelis to Dr. Laura, always searching, concentrating to the point of exhaustion, to glean that essential kernel of truth that would illuminate the path I should take to find acceptance and happiness. But I could find no peace, no resolution, no answers. FINALLY, this book gave me the tools I needed to understand the many issues and problems that weighed so heavily in my marraige. Mira Kirshenbaum provided the template I needed to lay over my decades of ambivalence. Her direct, snappy writing style was a breeze to read. Her observations cogent and concise. She makes no bones about taking a clear stand and expressing a firm opinion about whether people where happier that they stayed or left a relationship when the issues she explored were identifed as problems. She gave me the language to articulate and define my marital problems. It became undeniably clear to me that I would be happier if I left. With tremendous relief and some real trepidation, I gave myself the freedom to leave for my 46th birthday present. Fast forward two years -- I have never been happier! I recently reread the book and my second thorough reading reinforced my initial interpretations. I am now using Kirshenbaum's criteria to judge whether my current relationship meets my needs in the categories that are most important to me. YEAH! Success! This book has even helped me explain the complexities of relationships to my own daughters and what makes for a quality relationship with a long term chance for success. For the first time as an adult I am living an authentic life that I am proud to model for my children. I am absolutely sure that this book saved my life! I am grateful beyond words for the clarity that this book provided. You will be too!
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Summary: The best guide to a most difficult decision
Review: This book takes a diagnostic approach to helping me make the most difficult decision of my life. I was trying to decide if divorce was the right choice and it really helped where friends and family could not. It was a plain spoken book that spoke directly to me and really helped. I recommend the book for anyone contiplating this choice.
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