Rating: 
Summary: Still On the Fence
Review: It's good to see this topic honestly explored in print -- but impossible to reduce it to an often confusing formula, as the author does -- no doubt at the behest of the publisher, who follows the ubiquitious belief that people crave pat solutions. I am in one of those marriages where every time a major crisis hits -- and there have been many -- I think I should have left at the earlier one. This book is honest about the compromises people make, and doesn't present any solution as happily ever after, which is a relief. But the magazine quiz-style formula just doesn't do the topic justice. I give the author credit for being realistic -- for example, acknowledging that money might have a lot to do with staying or going. Someone with a financially supportive family of origin might help a distressed spouse out of an abusive or deeply unhappy marriage -- someone with no such help will have to find other ways of dealing with it. She doesn't pretend, as so many books do, that divorce not an extremely complicated business on a practical level. However, at the end of this book I was frustrated -- becauase my case didn't follow the formulas. I was still on the fence.
Rating: 
Summary: Helped me see things more clearly
Review: I bought and read this book when I was wondering whether I should stay in a relationship that had many good things going for it but also many bad. Sometimes when you are in a relationship you are just to close to what is going on and it is hard for you to see what is happening. This book helped me take a step back and look at what was happening in the relationship that made it so good and yet so bad.
Rating:
Summary: A good book on the topic , but still just a book
Review: Years of working as a marriage counselor has certainly provided the author--obviously an astute, sensitive observor of the human condition--with much experience to draw on; her writing is quite eloquent yet clearcut; her ideas direct yet not simplistic. Indeed the subtitle of the book "A Step by Step Guide" is apt as the book is written in a rather formulaic textbook (one might say cookbook structure). There is much good advice here, but the danger of this book like any other advice book is that humans are quite complex; relationships are more complex than the individual human; and the relationship within the context of the culture is more complex still. To peel away all these layers would require someone versed not just in psychology, but systems theory, literature, anthropology, cultural studies, and so forth--and still it would be just a book. Ultimately if one is considering the breaking or establishment of a relationship, I think it would be far better to reach into one's soul and the soul of the other. Thomas Moore's books on the subject address these matters in a profound way. If humans were androids, this book would be perfect. But until they are--and hopefully they won't ever be--we should champion our complexity and respect our own reasoning and perspective--or, as e.e. cummings said, "Who pays attention to the syntax of things, will never wholly kiss you."
Rating:
Summary: Makes you think
Review: There is no relationship that would not benefit from the wisdom presented in this book.
Rating:
Summary: It's either one or the other
Review: I was caught in relationship ambivalence for nearly ten years. This book helped me find my clarity, but the decision was still mine to make. In my case, 18 of the 36 guidelines pointed toward ending the relationship. It was very helpful to read the case studies and feel identified with lots of them. There are some parts of the book, complete pages, that I higlighted whole.A major point that was very helpful: A relationship is either too good to leave or to bad to stay, but IT CAN'T BE BOTH. This book helps you find if your relationship is one or the other.
Rating: 
Summary: Simple, to the point
Review: I picked up this book because I am on the cusp. This book has some insightful advice beginning in the first chapter or two with trying to weigh a decsion based on a set of justice scales. Those that feel boiling their feelings down to answering the questions obviously don't want to leave and are not really on the cusp. They should be looking for a self-help book on improving their relationship. However, if you are on the cusp and could go either way I would recommend reading this book. The author does not mince their advice. Ultimatley as with anything else the decision is up to you, but hopefully your answers to the questions will give you the insight you need to make the correct decision.
Rating: 
Summary: Be Very Cautious About This Book
Review: My wife and I have been married six years and have had marital troubles for nearly a year. However, we are taking very concrete steps to try to address them and we're making good progress. We're learning a lot more about ourselves and each other, about personalities and temperaments and what influences them. Now we are better able to appreciate how those factors manifest in our day-to-day behavior. It is hard work, but we both agree that in the end it's worth it -- regardless of the eventual outcome of our marriage. This book was recommended to me by a person that I have generally known to have good judgement, so I took a look. I can say without a doubt that if I had read this book a year ago, my wife and I would now be divorced and that decision would have been the biggest mistake of our lives. Several of the so-called guidelines pointed to behavior on my wife's part AND others on my own part that would have caused each of us to conclude that we would be more happy if we left than stayed. The method of decisionmaking suggested by this book is bereft of the kind of hard work it really takes to evaluate the future of a relationship and the behavior of people in relationships. It fails to explore personality types -- a cornerstone to understanding why your partner may behave the way he or she behaves. It also assumes the problem MUST reside within your partner, not within yourself. In my relationship, the problem was 80% of my own creation. But, through self-evaluation and study we have been able to LEARN more about our own personalities so that now we can better appreciate our differences and give our love for one another a chance to flourish. Unfortunately, this book rests on the premise that people are inflexible, cannot observe themselves and that their mates cannot change themselves, and therefore, whatever you've got is as good as it will get. I disagree and urge anyone who reads this to use great caution. Mira Kirshenbaum has attempted to boil life and relatinships into a simplicity that belittles the capacity of humans to love and change.
Rating:
Summary: An un-biased and realistic look at relationships
Review: What I admire the most about this book is that it is one of the few books on relationships I have seen that doesn't try to pigeon-hole people into groups, or take sides, or give only one answer. Mira Kirshenbaum is a very fair and well-informed person, and she counsels, suggests, and advises, rather than trying to give clear-cut answers to the myriad of problems that arise in relationships. The reader is encouraged to list the good and bad aspects of their particular situation, to discuss, to work on it. The key to the success of a relationship, or to possibly salvaging one of the brink, is to work and communicate. That is the bulk of Kirshenbaum's words, and after reading this book I certainly felt that I had been given helpful advice, and that there indeed was light at the end of the tunnel. If you are having troubles in your relationship, this is one of the first books you should read.
Rating:
Summary: Extremely Helpful!
Review: This book was extraordinarily helpful to me! It dealt with both logical and emotional aspects associated with the struggle over whether to stay or leave a relationship. The diagnostic questions and the "bottom line" suggestions were especially valuable for me. Having been "in limbo" for many years, I really needed to hear the messages in this book. The no-nonsense, yet compassionate and non-judgemental, writing style spoke perfectly to me. I highlighted the book and continue to re-read sections whenever I feel doubtful or need a reminder of my decision-making rationale. I am so glad I read this book, and I recommend it HIGHLY to anyone on the fence!
Rating:
Summary: we all deserve happiness without settling!
Review: This book is a great resource for those who may be in the evaluation phase of a relationship-- or wondering if they have made the right decision for them. The format is easy to digest, and includes some 'case studies' which clearly illustrate the points being made. If you are wondering if life can be better with your partner, or if indeed this is as good as it gets, you should read this book. Pass it on; we all deserve happiness without settling!
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