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Summary: Gem Of A Book For Those Facing Or Involved With Divorce !
Review: The brand new 352 page book really spells out with great insight how children are affected by divorce. Written by a true authority in the field, Dr. Wallerstein's book should be required reading for parents in troubled marriages. Kids of such marriages are OWED this information. Through her many interviews with children of divorced parents, she has learned how they really feel, how they react to divorce and how it has affected their own married lives and their children years later. Just a few of the topics covered include: When a Child Becomes the Caregiver, What If They'd Stayed Together- and What If They Can't, Family Ties, Growing Up Lonely, Court-Ordered Visiting, the Child's View, The Stepfamily, and much, much more. Dr. Wallerstein shows how many children of divorced parents actually overcome their fears and sorrows, and become loving partners and parents. Of great importance is her coverage of whether parents should stay unhappily married or to divorce, a question routinely faced by couples. This is a great book that should be read not only by parents, but all of those dealing with potential divorce situations. A very important book, that can only help the situation.
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Summary: There's so much more to divorce than anyone thought...
Review: This book was to me full of surprising insight. Wallerstein showed so many new painful angles from children's viewpoint. Reading about the suffering which children of divorce continue to experience as they grow into adulthood, brings me to this: Do I love my kids enough to give up the search for my own well-being, and instead remain in a loveless marriage or not? Because I think that's what it is. My own well-being vs theirs. I try to get both, but how? From reading this book, it's not very easy to get.I yearn to read a few more vignettes and analysis of Wallerstein's best-case scenarios. Lisa, her chosen best case, still had her dad and stepmom hate her mom, and that has got to be a major source of persisting severe problems for her. What about families where adults do become friendly and show some caring for each other after divorce? The children of divorce whose happy marriage was described at the end of the book, certainly appeared full of hope for happiness, how did they do it? How did the adults in their lives do it ? Somehow I felt Wallerstein had more to say, but didn't... Is she being judgmental about divorce itself ? This book is, to my knowledge, the only one dealing extensively with this problem, and based on such a unique and great amount of scientific work. Why did Wallerstein not take this opportunity to include more vignettes about success stories (1) to give hope to people who do wish to proceed with divorce after serious soul-searching... (2) To teach divorced parents more about how to best raise their children and avoid unnecessary pain ... (3) to teach children of divorce what some of their peers (happy children of divorce, not happy children from intact families) were doing right to bring happiness into their lives. Despite that perceived weakness, in my opinion, all those who contemplate, or are involved with divorce, will really owe it to themselves and their loved ones to read this book.
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Summary: A must read for every Family Court Judge
Review: Before leaving my husband of 17 years, I did my own study of adult children of divorce before making my decision. My findings were similar to those found in this book, but were in sharp contrast to what our "no-fault" divorce culture would have us believe. Our children are not as resilient as we would be led to believe. As much as my ex-husband would love for me to make the same amount of money as he does, while raising the kids by myself, I have chosen to live more modestly and parent full time. After reading this book and seeing how children lose their childhood so that their parents can selfishly chase their dreams, I will gladly sacrifice the coming years to ensure that my children retain what is left of their childhood dreams. There are still some Family Court Judges that believe children are half of each parent, good or bad. The book explains how children are their own individual selves, and have the capacity to live above their parents genetic material. To assume that children are fooled when we try to neutralize bad behavior and put both parents on the same level playing field, is to insult our childrens intelligence. Children are aware of selfish behavior, and not acknowledging that in the court system by making them visit a parent that has deceived them, or their other parent, is very harmful. This book does a wonderful job of showing us just how far we have gone to protect our egos from the shame of our bad behaviors, at the expense of our childrens futures. This is a must-read for every Family Court Judge and the professionals who suggest visitation schedules. Wouldn't it be admirable if the adults who made the mistakes that resulted in divorce, made it easier for the children to enjoy their childhood after divorce, instead of the children having to make it easier for the adults to escape the consequences of their selfish choices. Maybe if more people listened to the children of divorce, we might be able to leave a different "Legacy" for future generations.
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Summary: A must-read!
Review: This book is the latest in a series of books written by Wallerstein about children and divorce. It provides excellent insights into what children are going through. As the child of divorce myself, I found myself thinking "YES" when ready each page. Her observations about what kids are feeling were brilliant and right on target. It's an uncomfortable book -- many parents won't want to know what they're putting their children through, and children won't want to live again through feelings that they might very well not wish to examine. Nevertheless, this is an absolute must-read for anyone who cares about a child of divorce. Since adults are so much more articulate and well-connected than children, it is often only their perspective that is heard when divorce is discussed. But children must be heard too! Wallerstein's comparisons of the children of divorce and the children of "intact" families who grew up in the same neighborhoods, is also invaluable, highlighting the unique problems children of divorce face. I recommend that anyone who finds this book useful should also read THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD and THE NARCISSISTIC FAMILY. Both books deal with similar themes, and can be similarly useful in dealing with children of divorce, adult children of divorce, or adult children of dysfunctional families.
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Summary: Required reading for all children of divorce
Review: This authoritative study of the effects of divorce on children, based on 25 years of research with a select group of individuals in Marin County, CA, reveals truths that parents who divorce probably won't be happy to learn, but that children of divorced parents have known to their sorrow for years: that where children are concerned divorce seldom means the end of a bad situation, but rather the start of a cycle of pain, deprivation and injustice that scars for a lifetime. Anyone who's survived their parents' divorce will find validation of their experience and reassurance that they're not alone in this book, and any parent who's contemplating divorce can't be said to be making an informed choice until he or she reads it.
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Summary: Required reading for all parents contemplating divorce!
Review: Simply, this book was painful to read. I saw shades of not only my brothers but myself all throughout this book. As a child of divorce, I heard the stories. "If your parents aren't happy together, that will only hurt you. Apart, they can be happy and be better parents to you." The author demonstrates with real accounts, not propoganda from either side of the political spectrum, that those stories are lies, through and through. Divorce hurts kids, period. Story upon story documents that the parents and the system see children as property to be "FedEx'd" back and forth for visitation. The author argues that children are growing people, and they are the _most_ important part of a marriage. Parents should respect their stewardship of their children and consider what paths they take. The book is also a shot across the bow of every parent contemplating divorce--take a step back and ask yourselves: for whom am I getting this divorce? Except in the most extreme cases of abuse, you act in YOUR interests only, not the children's. They are hurt by it, for many years to come. In summary, it's a profound documentation of the selfishness of divorce and the toll that divorce takes on its most helpless participants, the children.
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Summary: Hands down the single best book on divorces' effect.
Review: I am a fast reader usually completing a book this size in one or two days, yet I have spent two weeks reading the re-reading this volume. The information is not in the strict sense a scientific study and doesn't claim to be although some have criticized it on this basis. Rather it is a collection of representative individuals and their reactions to parental break ups. The issue of divorce's effect upon children is emotionally charged on every side and those most critical seem to be so percisely because this book hits a raw nerve, but it is no less a raw nerve that that struck amoung us who would support "Unexpected Legacy's" conclusions. My parents divorced 30 years ago this year and I am amazed at the effect it has had in shaping my life. As I read I cried to think that at last someone was speaking up for all of us children who were raped of our childhood by our parent's selfishness. I read about uinfair visitation schedules and I literally shook with rage that what was done to me was done to so many other children. Then I read about step family relations and there I saw once more the same tragic behaviors and the evil woman who ended what remained of my relationship with my father. I have never shed a tear over my father's death, but it hurt more than I can say to have attended his funeral and known no one there except my own exqually excluded siblings from the first marriage. The book talked about economic losses children experience when the father remarries and failed to mention the huge loss face when the remarried parent dies. My father ws a very wealthy man and all of us children from the first marriage have had to get along on the most minmal of help from him in college and beyond. I watched my parents benefit from the estates of their parents and it helped them build a secure future, but not one of us received one cent from his estate, nor did any of the grandchildren. His new wife got everything and her children will when she dies. She to add insult to injury mailed us every picture he had that contained any child or grandchild from his first marriage. She had always wanted us to just disappear and in the end she got her wish. I read the stories of others and realized we weren't the only ones to get treated this way. It happens all the time! If you are involved in divorce in any way shape or form you need this book. If your a parent getting divorced you need it even more, but the sad and tragic fact is those who are responsible for so much suffering in the children's lives are too guiltridden to be reminded of their failings. I have intentionally avoided thinking about this subject for years and in reading this book I allowed the feelings to all come back. I found myself, mad as hell, and bitterly resentful. But those feelings have by-in-large settled over the year into a bitterness that I have to fight so many problems and carry so many burdens my friends with intact families don't. I am thankful for the understanding gained
Rating: 
Summary: Love sometimes dies, but not for the children.
Review: In thesis, this ambitious study set out to explore perceptions and experiences of family members, particularly the children, following divorce. Called the 'largest such research project ever undertaken,' it started in 1971 with sixty families of white, middle-class members, married nine years or more and had at least one child.
Based on the Children of Divorce Project, it included five assessments, initial, 18-month, 5 yr., 10 yr., then this '25 Year Landmark Study' but the conclusions are still up in the air. Most of these adults were well educated, with 80% having a B.A. or B.S. college degree and 30% had gone on to receive a grad degree. Forty percent had some college, and 42% had a high school diploma.
A clinical psychologist and specialist on divorce and its after effects on the children, Judith Wallerstein attempted to show how these children who survived the upheaval and turmoil of a divided family often had to raise themselves. Many had to learn about true love for another person can be achieved through trial and error. There will always be failures and successes in every phase of life. Divorce is not the end, sometimes it's a beginning to a better world of freedom where they can find their heart's desires. I've found that for many of us, we never end up marrying our first loves. Why's that? Maybe divorce is the answer.
People who were younger when their parents divorced looked less competent overall 25 yrs. later. This was most notable in girls who had been pre-schoolers and in boys who had been early school age when the divorce occurred. Of those, 60% fall below average in their functioning in social relationships. Some reject their parents when they grow up and refuse contact after they have families of their own.
They regard their parents' divorce as a terrible failure and feel they'll end up doing the same. Many adults stay in unhappy marriages just to avoid a divorce. The proper time to begin helping 'children of divorce' learn how to choose a mate is during mid-adolescence, a time when attitudes toward oneself and relationships with the opposite sex are beginning to gel. This is the time when worries about sex, love, betrayal, and morality take center stage.
At a recent play performance of 'The Lion in Winter' at the Black Box theater, the parents set the worst possible examples for their three sons with plodding and conniving to harm the other. They were prime subjects for divorce but, being Catholic, could only contemplate annulment in their mid years -- as they basically disliked each other and the three grown sons, who wished them dead. Sometimes, it harms the children more to watch such pain and maneuvering by unfaithful and unloving parents.
Teenagers need to see a healthy way to resolve tensions. The question is, can an educational intervention such as this Study replace the learning that occurs naturally over many years within the family?
In the studies for this project, the children took many paths, but all changed in the wake of divorce. Since these youngsters' character and conscience were still being formed during the post-divorce years, the new roles they assumed in the family had profound effects on who they became and on the relationships they established when they reached adulthood.
They will always wonder what motivated their parents' decision to divorce and if they were the cause for it. Sometimes, love dies -- but life goes on in a different form. That is the 'unexpected legacy of divorce'!
Other books (oversize paperbacks) in this series include:
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,
Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce,
Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce, and (following this 25-yr Landmark Study)
What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce (2003)
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Summary: Divorce's unexpected effects on kids--wow!
Review: Wallerstein's central thesis is that despite what adults would like to tell themselves, divorce is *not* a simple, minor, or transitory matter in the life of a child. Divorce is a profound trauma that *forever* alters a child's life, often in ways unexpected. It does not at all lessen the impact that so many children nowadays are from divorced parents, either; as Wallerstein puts it, "children come single file." The divorce is just the beginning. After losing their childhood and family home, the child then has to deal with reduced--often severely reduced--parenting time from the custodial parent, who is devoting energy toward maintaining a home and rebuilding their shattered life and has correspondingly less time to spend with the child. The non-custodial parent's investment in the child often drops to a minimum--every other weekend and a month or so in the summer is no substitute for the time and attention of a live-in father or mother. On top of that, both parents are often dealing with profound emotional pain in the context of a reduced support network and often come to rely on children for support in inappropriate ways.
And the effects of divorce don't end there. In addition to losing the familial home, and (often) being forced to relocate, change schools, make new friends, etc (another traumatic event for children), the child is then often exposed to another series of transitions as one or both parents try out a rotating shuffle of new dating and/or live-in partners. If/when the parents settle on new marital partners, then the child faces yet another transition of trying to integrate the new adult/s (and possibly assorted children) into the new family. The complexity of this process increases logarithmically if stepchildren are involved. Particularly in the case of the non-custodial parent, this often means that parental investment drops still further, as the parent focuses his/her attention on building a new family with the new mate. Even in the case of the custodial parent, parental investment may suffer. Stepparental investment usually cannot substitute for this, for various reasons, not least of which is that from the child's point of view the stepparent is an interloper and imposter stealing the parent's attention from the child and taking the place of the other parent; this is particularly likely to happen if the stepparent attempts to assert authority too soon or in a high-handed way. ("You're not my real dad!" is a valid complaint.) Too often, as the adults involved rebuild their lives, children end up feeling (in Wallerstein's evocative phrase) like "leftovers from a marriage no one wanted."
Problems of adjustment are further exacerbated by rigid joint-custody arrangements which are often negotiated around the needs of the adults and do not take the children's growing and changing life patterns into account, so that children's ability to engage in afterschool activities and cultivate friendships are often curtailed by being rigidly marched off to the other parent without regard for such things as baseball games, birthday parties or practices (one child in this situation complained that she felt like a "second-class citizen"). Parents in this situation are often surprisingly deaf to the children's needs (Wallerstein presents several examples of parents who, when faced with complaints of three, four and five-year-old children, responded with, "Everyone has to make sacrifices and they do too.")
The above all mean that children from divorced parents have substantially different life experiences than children whose parents remained married. These different life experiences lead to effects that do not go away after a minor period of adjustment, but instead profoundly shape the way the child looks at the world, at romantic relationships, at parenthood, and at life in general. Children from divorced families are more likely to feel like nothing in life can be taken for granted, like nothing is ever secure (one of her informants speaks about how, even though she knows it's unrealistic, she feels like she can't ever be happy because she's always afraid that a huge catastrophe is waiting just around the corner to strike her and ruin her life). They are severely unsettled in their search for a mate by a lack of a model for building a lasting romantic relationship; instead they have the feeling that "my parents failed at this--" often multiple times, as they watched their parents try out and reject new lovers "--and therefore I will fail too. Failure is inevitable." Children of divorced parents have a much more difficult time dealing with the inevitable romantic conflict that comes with any relationship and may see very minor marital spats as a prelude to the "inevitable" divorce (so what that they think their marriage is a happy one? So what that they're in love with their spouse? Once upon a time, their parents were happy and in love too, and look how *that* turned out. The process had to have started *somewhere.*)
Although Wallerstein is far from being anti-divorce--her work with children has convinced her that in some marriages, particularly those characterized by physical violence, divorce to save the children is absolutely essential--although tragically enough the child often does not understand this and may miss the violent parent and be angry at the divorcing one--one of her main points is that in non-violent marriages, parents should seriously consider staying together for the sake of the children. What she calls the "trickle-down" theory of happiness--the idea that if the partners are unhappy the children are unhappy, and that if the adults are happy the children will be too--is not true. Children's needs and adult's needs are not identical, and children can be quite happy in a marriage where the partners are bored with each other, unhappy, or even completely miserable. If staying together for the sake of the children is simply not an option, then Wallerstein lays out some suggestions for softening the blow, including trying to minimize change for the child as much as possible--although she points out, this will only lessen the impact. It won't make the effects of divorce go away.
I have two main criticisms of this book, one specific and one personal. First, the specific one. Wallerstein has some very harsh words for the court system when it comes to custodial arrangements, and while I can see her point that the system is far from ideal, I feel that she doesn't give the courts enough credit. The courts take over when the parents involved cannot or will not come to an agreement on their own, usually due to anger at each other. Because of this, the parents are so caught up in their own emotions that they themselves will not put their child's best interests first. It then becomes the role of the courts to "lay the smack down" and force through a deal, but it has to be one that both parents will accept. How is a court supposed to *make* a parent put his or her child's interests first? Sadly, work trumps extracurricular activities--for good reason. Wallerstein also blasts the courts because she claims they make it difficult for parents to speak up for children's interests, since one parent that complains is often accused of harboring anger at the other, but the fact of the matter is, that this is a real problem. Children and custody can be and all too often are turned into weapons against the other parent. As someone once said, "Custody does an even better job than divorce of turning human beings into insects." Pretty often in Wallerstein's own examples, the custodial arrangements could have worked a lot better if either parent was willing to be a little bit more flexible, but sadly, neither of them were. I think it's telling that Wallerstein herself, for all her harsh words for the court system, is unable to offer specific suggestions for reforming things, besides one proposal (a very good one) that parents who seek some custodial rights after a prolonged absence from the child's life should take time to reintroduce themselves first and that some sort of advice should be provided on how to relate to children who have changed considerably since they last knew them. A second proposal--that custodial arrangements should be renegotiated on a year-by-year basis--sounds good, but I am somewhat dubious; if parents were unwilling to put the child's needs first at the time of the initial agreement, I see no particular reason to think they would later on, especially as both of them move on to form new lives with new mates.
The personal criticism is more of a wish: Wallerstein deals with children who were very young at the time of the divorce and who resided with their mothers after custody. I was in my teens during my parents' divorce, and the father had custody. While a great deal of what Wallerstein said resonated with me, I would still have liked to see more about children in my situation. It would seem obvious that near-adult children of divorce would not be affected as strongly, but I'm not at all sure this is true, and I would like to see more about it. Still, this is a *very* useful book for children of divorce, in figuring out what the effects on their lives are and why. Well done, Wallerstein.
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Summary: It helped me when I was down
Review: This book helped me when I was down after my divorce. I at the time was not only broken by the loss of a marriage I had thought a good one, but was tremendously guilty about the burden I had placed on my children. This book in a sense confirmed my view that ' divorce' is often a selfish act of a parent, or parents taken against the interests of the children.
As I read the book worrying about the long- term consequences for my children, I took a certain encouragement in one kind of example Wallerstein gave. She pointed out that certain children of divorce come away stronger somehow , determined that they will build good families, and not make the mistake their parents made. That of course is my prayer for my children.
In any case this is a very interesting book, the best one I have as yet encountered on the whole subject of the effect of divorce on the children.
I just hope that you will not be one of those who needs to read it for ' practical advice'.
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