The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

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Summary: legacy of divorce pseudo-science
Review: Is it just me, or is anyone else out there baffled that after 30 years of studying divorce, Wallerstein still can't see the forest for the trees? Namely that it's the conflict and neglect that children experience, and not the divorce per se, that hurts their development. The national statistics in the back of the book (p. 329) e.g., show that there's not much difference between the divorce rates of children of divorce and those from intact families. Any unbiased observer would conclude from these #s that divorce is nothing more than a risk factor in the subsequent relationship difficulties of children of divorce, and not even a very big one.

This book also shows Wallersteins' considerable gender bias; e.g. her not even considering asking whether men experienced a drop in standard of living post divorce(5 years after), and her frequent harangues about men(never women) not funding their children's college education suggest that her primary view of men is they are walking paychecks. Other bias is reflected in her inability to even pick a good control group. Her chosen intact family cohort has ¼ the level of divorce among the 2nd generation as that of the randomly selected national sample. No wonder she concludes that divorce is the guilty culprit! Who wouldn't when they can select their study and control groups to conform to their own biases.

The biggest weakness is that her study group also was not randomly selected, but, was , as it turns out, completely unrepresentative of the public at large(well-to-do Marinites! No wonder the poor divorcees suffered drops in standard of living, they went from super-rich, to living like the rest of us sob, sob). This is a big no-no in science, and is probably the reason she had to publish in a book. No reputable journal could accept this work. I only bought this because my local library didn't have it yet sigh!

The one strength of the book, her showing how the subsequent dysfunctional adult behaviors of children of divorce are shaped, was enlightening and a useful contribution to our understanding because it shows the common behavioral traits elicited in the children , but I was so skeptical at this point of her ability to be objective, that I still can't tell whether these traits are brought on solely by divorce-related trauma or by any garden variety conflict and neglect.

Without doubt the children(I'm one of them myself) exposed to the conflict and neglect of divorce suffer. And equally certain is that the issue of custody needs serious reform. I for one, would like to see that all judges, mediators, lawyers(and even authors and scientists who write and study about divorce; ah but now I'm dreaming!)have been from divorced families or have divorced themselves and have had to deal with custody issues. I guarantee that things would change overnight. I'd also like to see joint custody be the default decision, and not based on who is the better parent. The only sensible standard should be, not who is better, but is each parent good enough, so that we can move away from the 90%-sole- custody-to-the-mother status quo. The current system sends the message to children(and believe me they get it) that because mothers can control fathers' access, that fathers are pretty much of the same status as children themselves. No wonder fathers tend to drift away.

Rating:
Summary: Raises some questions but has no answers.
Review: I heard the author speak at an APA conference discussing her findings for the basis of this book and saw just how poorly this book is researched. First, she never discusses what factors, if any, make the effects of divorce on children better or worse (e.g., fighting, joint vs. sole custody). She also was not forthcoming with most of her outcome measures (How did she determine the adult children felt isolated, for example?). Additionally, this is a very narrowly defined group using only affluent families from Marin County. And most importantly, there is NO control group, which means that this is at best a survey of kids of divorce and not really research at all. This also ignores all the previous research on divorce. Finally, what is her conclusion? That couples should never get divorced, no matter what? What divorcing couples need is a book that contains valid research that provides good advice on how best to deal with their children and each other through what is a trying time (see, "Mom's House, Dad's House as an example).

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Summary: If you've been touched by divorce, read this book.
Review: Twenty-five years ago, my parents got a divorce. It happened early enough in my life that I didn't really understand why, and it's been long enough ago that I'm not entirely sure what it's meant. Reading this book was an amazing experience for me - I learned a lot about myself and about other people who've been through similar situations. I also learned things about divorce that I didn't know before. For example, I thought divorce had always been fairly common. I thought every generation was full of children who dealt with divorce. That's not the case.

It seems that my generation also likes to find "shields" to hide behind: everyone seems to want to have some external reason for his or her behavior, so that there isn't any internal responsibility for it. I was pleased to see that the author didn't treat divorce as the reason for everything that happened to the people in the book, but rather as a contributing factor. Some of the people she writes about were able to rebuild themselves and put together a happy life; others are still struggling with issues from the past.

If your parents are divorced, you may find a lot of information in this book that will help you understand what you've been through. If you are married with children and considering a divorce, you should definitely read this - as the author points out, the needs of children are all too often ignored during the divorce process, so it will be up to you to make sure that their voices are heard. Finally, if you're involved with someone whose parents are divorced, maybe you'll gain some insight into some aspects of your partner's personality. In any event, this book is well worth the price.

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Summary: I'm not alone
Review: As the Disability host on BellaOnline, I recommend this book. If you were a child when your parents divorced, you'll realize that you aren't alone in your feelings.

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Summary: Lightbulb
Review: I will not bore the reader with my analysis of the book however will comment on what it has meant to our family. Our daugher, age twenty five has recently separated from her husband. Due to the stress of emotional abuse from her husband she had to be hospitalized. Her diagnosis included several psychiatric labels and she was placed on medication for her behavior. These mind altering perscriptions allowed her to function at 50% capacity, her affect was flat and she was less than the enjoyable person she was prior to her breakdown. After reading the information in the book we have been able to pinpoint a cause from the past and a direction for the future. She is now off her medication and coming back to a space mentally where she can deal with the impact that our divorce had on her at age 9. The book offered many clues, a lot to think about and investigate whereas the medical profession wanted to label, medicate and accept that she was born with this chemical imbalance that would need treatment for the rest of her life. We are grateful to have run across this book. It has given us hope and our daughter a new direction.

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Summary: The Mother Lode of Divorce Books
Review: A long but worthy book recommended for anyone touched by or considering divorce. I read it as an adult child of divorced parents, looking for further clues to heal the past and become a more emotionally secure person. This book helped. It offers four in-depth case studies of two women and two men, relating the childhood and teen experiences of these four to each other and to additional observations about divorce. This manner of presentation demonstrates the kind of close personal attention and genuine interest in these children and their development(over a 25 year span) that I always wished had come from my parents. The authors do a good job of being clear about the need of children for secure parenting and give tips on how to provide it without making pronouncements about whether divorce or staying together is definitely better in a given case. (Though they do state that divorce is ultimately more detrimental to children, especially as they come of age and attempt to form their own committed relationships, than we have thus far believed.)

In addition to the compassionate voice of the authors, the real benefit of this book is the longevity of the studies undertaken. The passage of time in these children's lives and the lessons learned therefrom are a perfect counterweight to the impatient tendency of some parents who divorce to say "oh, the kids will adjust," and go right ahead doing what they think will satisfy themselves. In a tangential way, the book also opens for discussion the topic of who should be a parent, given the sacrifices and ability to put another above oneself that it almost always takes. It suggests that we ought to give brass tacks parenting tools to those people, married or divorced, who truly want to be parents, and that we ought to have more societal understanding for the foresight of those who genuinely choose not to be parents, realizing that though they love life and appreciate children, their true priorities lie elsewhere.

Two small criticisms of this book. The time format as far as when the children were interviewed is unclear, and at times possibly inaccurate. This may be to keep people from being identified, but it detracts from knowing precisely at what age certain conversations or events happened. I kept stopping to try to figure out, well if you saw him when he was 12, and then five years later, he would have to be 17, not 21....etc. Getting these details clearer would have increased the impact of the stories. Secondly, the book's concluding chapters seem underdeveloped, especially in light of the implications earlier in the book that "we'll talk about that topic later" and then not seeming to get around to address it. Perhaps a summary list of important conclusions would have helped.

Though not the final word on the critical subject of divorce, this is certainly a landmark book which I hope many will read and take to heart.

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Summary: Children Should Come First, Second, and Third in Divorce!
Review: I read this book with great interest, and learned much to add to my hands-on experience as a remarried divorced father, stepfather, and father of a child by my remarriage. I sincerely wish that I had had this book available when my first marriage failed. Interestingly, I found the parts that affirmed what my ex-wife and I had done right just as valuable and important as the parts that suggested room for improvement. I look forward to discussing this book with my two grown sons by that first marriage. The lesson for you from that experience is that whenever we, as parents, focused on what was best for the children, things worked out well. If in doubt, you should do the same. It's about the children!

Divorce affects children intensely, yet they are almost always totally innocent of causing the divorce. Past studies have suggested that many children do okay after awhile. What is new in this work is that some of the most negative effects occur for many of these children in adulthood. This happens because they see themselves as being permanently marred by divorce, almost like a genetic taint that they cannot escape. According to the author of the study, "The problem of numb feelings among grown children of divorce is serious and more widespread than I initially realized." How do you prepare for marriage when you have no good parental role model? It's obviously harder, and takes longer. This can be complicated if you had a tough adolescence without much support. You will tend to want to enjoy a real adolescence in your 20s and 30s.

This book will be of tremendous value to those who are thinking about divorcing, parents who have divorced, the spouses and potential spouses of the children of divorce, and the professionals (judges, social workers, psychiatrists, and lawyers) who work with families involved in divorces. Children need more help from parents than before the divorce. The classic advice of "don't fight in front of them" isn't nearly enough. You need to nuture your children more thoughtfully and thoroughly than before. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins can all make a difference. If possible, one of the parents should stay home with them until the children are grown, rather than working. Visitation should be flexibly determined by the child's needs, rather than by a court order. Fathers should stay involved as actively as possible in their children's lives, through common interests that can last a lifetime. The future spouses need to be understanding and supportive of the uncertainty felt by these young adults. Many more good bits of advice are in this book. As an opportunity for improvement, I would have appreciated more information about being a stepfather. What was in here was good, but it was not nearly enough.

As the authors tell us, "Silently and unconsciously, we have created a culture of divorce." "Without our noticing, we have created a new class of children who take care of themselves, along with a whole generation of overburdened parents who have no time to enjoy the pleasures of parenting." Obviously, this should be avoided. But you knew that already.

As bad as that sounds, the story gets worse. "But it's in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most. The impact of divorce hits them cruelly as they go in search of love, sexual intimacy, and commitment." Essentially, these emotionally poor children often assume that they will fail to create and enjoy a stable marriage themselves, while children from undivorced households assume the opposite.

If you are like me, you will see that building stronger marriages from the beginning is a major wake-up call from this book. The pain of the alternative is too much to anyone to even consider a marriage with children that will not last for a lifetime.

This book focuses on seven examples from 131 children whose parents divorced in Marin County, California around 1971, and a comparison sample of 44 similar adults now from the same community whose parents did not divorce. Your heart will go out to each of these young people in the book, as they relate their stories -- whether their parents divorced or not. Life was hard for each of them.

Although the authors state that they are not against divorce, they do point out that there is stalled thinking in believing that if the parents are happier, then the children will be, too. The case of Gary makes the point that unhappy parents can be good parents for their children, even if the marriage isn't good for the parents.

While it is possible to read too much into a few cases and this type of qualitative research, clearly the social implications of divorce for children are not well understood. I hope that this book will help people to better understand how to relieve children's pain and help them to lead happier, healthier, more productive lives filled with love.

If you know someone whose parents are divorced, I suggest that you use this book to show them some special appreciation and understanding by being more emotionally supportive of them.

Before you marry (and certainly after you do), I also suggest that you and your spouse read and use Relationship Rescue and The Relationship Rescue Workbook to help you build a foundation for your relationship that does not lead to divorce. That's the best lesson of all!

May all be and feel loved!

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Summary: The Dark Side of Divorce
Review: Judith Wallerstein has been tracking children of divorce for over 25years now, and she doesn't like what she sees. Nor should we. Despiteall the rhetoric and denial by the feminists and the detractors ofmarriage, divorce hurts children, and it hurts them even when theyhave long ago ceased being children.

Judith Wallerstein, from theUniversity of California in Berkeley, first wrote of the effects onchildren of divorce in her 1980 Surviving the Breakup. Then in 1989she authored Second Chances. In that book she documented how childrenstill suffer, ten to fifteen years after parental divorce. In thisbook she covers a full 25 years of the children's lives. Now, asadults, the harmful effects of divorce are still clearlydiscernible. Indeed, "the whole trajectory of an individual's lifeis profoundly altered by the divorce experience".

JudithWallerstein began her study in 1971 with 131 children going throughparental divorce. She has managed to keep in contact with this group,along with a control group, for a quarter of a century, thus makingher research conclusions difficult to dislodge. And the mainconclusion reached by this study is that the effects of divorce arelong-term.

Says Wallerstein, "From the viewpoint of the children,and counter to what happens to their parents, divorce is a cumulativeexperience. Its impact over time rises to a crescendo in adulthood. Ateach developmental stage divorce is experienced anew in differentways. In adulthood it affects personality, the ability to trust,expectations about relationships, and ability to cope withchange."

She continues, "But its in adulthood that children ofdivorce suffer the most. The impact of divorce hits them most cruellyas they go in search of love, sexual intimacy, and commitment. Theirlack of inner images of a man and a woman in a stable relationship andtheir memories of their parents' failure to sustain the marriage badlyhobbles their search, leading them to heartbreak and evendespair."

This book features seven of the original 131 children,offering poignant glimpses into their troubled and traumatic lives asadult children of divorce.These stories make it clear that parentaldivorce is one of the worst things that adults can inflict upon achild. While Wallerstein acknowledges that some marriages cannot besalvaged, especially where much domestic violence is involved, mostmarriages have simply been abandoned too easily and carelessly, withlittle or no thought given for how the child will be impacted.

Butas many observers of contemporary culture have noted, the rights ofadults have become the greatest good, with the interests of childrenand the social good largely ignored. As Wallerstein asks, "Whatabout the children? In our rush to improve the lives of adults, weassumed that their lives would improve as well. We made radical socialchanges in the family without realizing how it would change theexperience of growing up. We embarked on a gigantic social experimentwithout any idea about how the next generation would beaffected".

Well, now we know. History and common sense shouldhave already told us, but now solid social science evidence can alsobe presented. Divorce hurts kids, and it hurts them for a very longtime. The social policy implications of this lie outside of the scopeof this book, but clearly we need to somehow turn around the divorceculture and return to a culture of marriage. Reading this book,passing it on to a friend, and getting it into the hands of ourpolitical leaders would be a good place to start.

Rating:
Summary: Here's The Missing Link
Review: For years what we have been hearing and what we have been seeing have not "blended" so well. Wallerstein gives us a missing piece to a puzzle. Her writing is crisp. Her stories poignant.

Now we can hear from children and let them tell us of the lives they've lived these last 25 years since their parents' divorce. Wallerstein stands tall, right in the middle of part of the answer to our quandries about divorce and family, family and two-family families, and . . .divorce, and it's effect. Excellent work!

Rating:
Summary: Nothing New!
Review: This is just another book filled with data that we've been reading in magazines for decades, with the same biased slant.

Wallerstein fails to disclose that the cause for 90% of divorces is that judges guarantee that the mothers will get custody!