Rating: 
Summary: Very enlightening book for a 40 year-old "child" of divorce.
Review: My parents divorced around 1970 and I didn't know anyone who was living the same life as me. It was a tumultuous time and I have found that reading this book has validated a lot of what I have experienced over my lifetime. There may not be a solution at the end of the book, but just knowing that other people are coping with the same feelings as I am is immensely comforting. It also provides insight into aspects of my personality and describes a possible basis for these aspects in relation to the divorce experience. I recommend this book to anyone who has lived through/with their parents divorce and to parents who are impacting their childs life with divorce.
Rating:
Summary: freedom carries with it responsibility
Review: If we give them the benefit of the doubt, we can assume that the folks who reformed divorce laws, beginning about forty years ago, honestly believed that children would benefit from having happier parents more than they would suffer from the process itself. But we are four decades along in this social experiment and, as Judith Wallerstein and her colleagues capably demonstrate, it's time to acknowledge that the reformers were catastrophically wrong and that their error has dire and continuing consequences for our society. It's important to note that the authors are not saying that divorce is bad per se, they well understand that some family situations are so unhealthy that it is better for all concerned that the marriage end, but they do provide important insights into the long term effects that even relatively amicable divorces have on the children of divorce, effects which endure into adulthood. One of the most important contributions of their study is a point that should be obvious : children don't particularly care that their parents might be happier if they could get out of their marriages, they want them to stay together. This is a simple function of the fact that children are even more monstrously selfish than the rest of us. Less obvious, but still commonsensical, is the idea that the divorce of one's parents is likely to permanently shape your own personality, your emotional well being, and your capacity and willingness to trust and love others. Progressives may not like it, but it is nonetheless true that the nuclear family is the most ancient, powerful, and important social arrangement of humankind. To imagine that children, the most vulnerable and impressionable members of that unit, would be able to just shrug of its breakdown is absurd on its face. Divorce quite naturally terrifies children, calling into question the general stability of family and love. Little wonder then that adult children of divorce experience great anxiety and difficulty when they try to establish relationships and form families of their own. The authors illustrate these points and many others with examples from actual cases they have studied. This is very effective as a way of personalizing their arguments, but has left them open to legitimate criticism that their work does not meet rigorous scientific standards. In the end, you are likely to judge their work by whether it confirms or contradicts your own political viewpoint. But it's awfully hard to just dismiss their findings. In the conclusion to the book, they offer some very moderate and tentative proposals for policy changes that would reduce the negative impact of divorce on children. As they note, we have created a culture of divorce, one in which 45% of all first marriages end in divorce, and 65% of second marriages. This should be intolerable to us, because it essentially defeats the purposes for which the institution was created and calls into the question the benefits that we extend to married couples. Personally, I would incorporate some of the authors' suggestions but add several, much harsher ones, of my own : (1) As they suggest, children should be given a strong voice in custody and visitation matters. It
should be less important to us as a society what the divorcing parents desire and more
important what their children wish. (2) Instructing school age kids in good marriage and parenting skills seems harmless enough,
though unlikely to do much good. (3) Likewise, encouraging businesses to adopt more family-friendly policies--flextime and the
like--is certainly worthwhile, but doesn't seem likely to have a major impact. (4) Mandatory counseling prior to divorce is also unobjectionable. Though I'd have it done
through churches, rather than under government auspices. (5) In addition, just as we extend tax and other benefits to married couples, there should be tax
penalties associated with divorce, particularly in cases where children are involved. The
authors note that people like the current ease of divorce because it provides them with great
freedom. But freedom must carry with it certain responsibilities and obligations. (6) Similarly, you should only be allowed one bite at the apple. Divorced persons should, if they
are allowed to remarry, not be granted the same benefits as they were the first time. In law,
they should be treated as singles. (7) Tax benefits, student loan provisions, school vouchers, mortgage breaks, etc. should all be
greatly expanded for married couples. A society has no more important task than the raising
of its next generation, and anything government can do to make parents task easier should be
done. The best way to do this is not through new programs but by making it more affordable
to have and to raise children. (8) All of these provisions should be waived in cases where there has been physical or sexual
abuse of either spouse or children or where one spouse has committed adultery. Divorce
should be made an unattractive option for couples who are merely unhappy, but must remain a
viable option where people are genuinely endangered or are sinned against. At the same time
courts should punish such behaviors, including adultery, much more severely than they
historically have. These reforms, and given time we can probably come up with more, will raise obvious objections. People don't much care to be forced to accept responsibilities; they much prefer being given freedoms. Tough. Marriage is not a right; it is a privilege. Marriage is a civic institution which exists to fulfill certain set purposes--chief among them are procreation and child-rearing. It would be great if all married couples were happy, but as a society this is only a secondary concern. The stability of the institution is more important than the happiness of the participants and their happiness is actually unimportant when it has a negative impact on their children. Of course, I'm a child of divorced parents, so all of the forgoing may just be sour grapes and the product of my own damaged psyche...
Rating: 
Summary: Wallerstein Hits the Nail on the Head!
Review: I am a 26 year old step-mother of two children who's parents divorced when they were 6 & 8. They are the classic text book example of how children react and are affected by divorce. I read the book to give me a better understanding of what they are feeling (living in a back-and-forth life) and will possibly go through in the future. I grew up in an intact disfunctional, semi-abusive home. Was that healthy for me? No. Did I struggle as an adult because of it? Sure! But as a married woman now I look at my parents who have been married for 33 years and say to myself "if they can do it, I can do it!" Divorce is not an option for me because it was not an option for my parents. Now, I want to help my hurting step-kids...if it's not too late already. A must read book!!!! Granted, every case is unique and results do vary, but the theme is the same: really think twice before breaking up your kid's home....it could come back to haunt you and your grand-children.
Rating:
Summary: An emotional book for me...
Review: All these years, I've thought I was "weird" because I spent many years recovering from my parent's divorce. "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" explained a lot of things. It was a helpful book, but at times, I found it difficult to NOT get mired in the "why me?" attitude. I have always used prayer as a resource to heal the sad memories of my parent's horrible divorce. If you don't have a spiritual resource to pull you out of that mental mire, I wouldn't recommend reading this book. Reading this book and revisiting old memories can be depressing. Yet there is also the message of hope. But beyond the humanly hopeful message, I cling to the spiritual promises of God's love and I've found great comfort in that. In summary, divorce is hell and can cause mental troubles for the children 25 years down the road. Divorce doesn't solve anything, it just creates new problems. And those new problems will still need solving. So stay married (whenever possible) and solve the problems NOW. Wallerstein observes - Children of divorce lose their fathers and their mothers. The fathers ride off into the sunset (often taking up with a new family) and the mother has to leave home to get a job, return to school and support the family. CHildren of divorce often turn the old family home into a place of reverence, driving by the old house or sitting on a curb and staring at it for hours. I've done this myself, often with tears in my eyes. Wallerstein explains this is not uncommon, because, the family home is the last place where there was an intact family. That's where things were still good. Reading this book, I felt exposed. The author knew my life in incredible detail. She knew the terrible questions I ask my dear husband in secret. She knew a lot about the fears I've worked to hide and ultimately, overcome. One of the saddest facts was about the elder parents. When daughters and sons of intact (non-divorced) families mature, they typically grow closer to their parents. The opposite is true of divorced parents. Mature sons and daughters of divorced parents have less and less to do with their parents, especially with fathers, where there is sometimes total estrangement. This is a good book, but only if you have a resource for healing the sad memories it may occasion. A good companion book (for spiritual healing) is "Science and Health," which has helped me heal those sad memories and enabled me to find peace and stability in my own life.
Rating: 
Summary: Not the example I would want to give my kids
Review: First, the words Wallerstein uses in this book are so dramatic (and obviously biased). So much for science! It reads like a soap opera at times. I'm a child of divorce and I hated this book. I am positive that I would have been more scarred had my parents stayed in their loveless marriage than I was by their divorce. My parents never fought, but even as a 6 year old I remember thinking that something seemed so fake about them. Kids know when you're not happy, no matter how much you to try to hide it. I respect my parents for correcting their mistake. I would feel so guilty now, as an adult, if my parents stayed for me. What kind of twisted example is that? It seems to me that staying for the kids doesn't serve anyone. If you can't provide your kids with a good example of a happy, loving relationship where needs are voiced and conflicts are resolved, what favors are you doing them? They won't know how to 'do' a good relationship as adults. You're teaching them that their needs and desires aren't important and they should just shut-down and shut-up if things don't work out. That's not how I want my kids to live. They will be adults a lot longer than they'll be kids. By staying, would you be treating them to a "happy" childhood, while possibly preparing them for a difficult adulthood? And no, I'm not divorced. I am happily married, but we accept that anything can happen. That's what keeps us working at our relationship, knowing how fragile they all are. Guess I didn't turn out so bad, given that I came from a "broken" home. Most people agonize over divorce and Wallerstein wants to add another big dose of guilt to your pain.
Rating:
Summary: Brilliant and Dead On
Review: I too am a child of divorce- my parents divorced when I was six years old. The results were chaotic, traumatic, and I still find myself today at age 28 dealing with issues of distrust, abandonment, and insecurity. It is a MUST READ for my fellow brothers and sisters of divorce- at the very least, you will realize how similar we all are. It is also a MUST READ for anyone who has children and is contemplating divorce- please educate yourself as to the consquences for your kids. Many parents will not like the information in this book as it shows the truth of what we all go through.... but I urge you to stick with it and come to grips with what we must deal with. Thank you Dr. Wallerstein for providing a much needed tome for our age.
Rating: 
Summary: just a thought
Review: I believe, as Kenny Loggins puts it, that what serves one's heart serves everyone around you. Kids know when you're not truly happy, including happiness in being married to a current spouse. Although there may be merits to sticking out a marriage that's not completely fulfilling, staying can also teach kids not to follow their deepest yearnings--to follow their hearts in searching for the real thing in love. They may later find themselves in their 30s wondering why they're currently stuck in a status quo marriage, despite a deep knowing that real love has never been a part of their experience.
Rating:
Summary: Hyped-Up Hooey
Review: This book is the hand-wringing of someone who doesn't accept that marriage has changed forever in America. This book is based on assumptions regarding the suitability of classical mariage, but those assumptions are never admitted. What happens as you read this is you are lured into accepting the author's point of view regarding marriage being the prefered way to live and in which to grow up. This book cannot be considered scientific or objective, but culture-bound and actually useless. Suspicion of marriage is healthy, not an unhappy trend. How about a prescription for some new ways to organize ourselves, without traditional marriage being the be-all and end-all?
Rating:
Summary: Tears of Joy
Review: I am in the middle of this great book,I have thought about writing about this subject myself, but I am glad Judith, Julia, and Sandra beat me to it. I am a child of divorce, know I am 34 years old, I thought I was the only one that had feelings like the ones I have read in this book, I am glad I am not alone, cruel and indifferent parents mine were self,self, self as if me and my brother were not even alive (JUST DEAL WITH IT) was a way of life and still is to this day. No justification in my life for the thoughts I have needed to share. Thank you for opening the door to my soul, and letting me walk with some others that are hurt and broken through a life of divorce.
Rating:
Summary: Very true, very hard and very well researched
Review: Ms. Wallerstein's book hits the nail on the head. Reading it gave me a profound sense of relief that I was not alone, that other children of divorce had similar issues to my own. Her book separates itself from the others in the "self-help" category by the clarity of the writing and the years of research that stands behind it. The conclusions to which she comes are not easy ones for our individualized society, but they are important considerations in our national discussion about divorce.
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