Rating: 
Summary: Divorce Culture's Lies Revealed!!
Review: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is an important book. Using a twenty-five year study the author debunks all of the myths of the divorce culture in which we now live. These lies: that children are resilient and will 'bounce back', that little children don't know what's going on, that when parents are happy their children will be happy, that not fighting in front of children shields them from the effects of divorce, that divorce is a temporary crisis in the child's life, and that as soon as the splitting parents stabalize their lives the children will recover, are demolished point by point. The author demonstrates, through examples in her case studies, that: very little children experience very big feelings about divorce (including rage and fear), that each lifestage a child goes through causes them to re-live the divorce again in some new way, that divorce causes personal and relationship issues for the children well into adulthood, and that the divorce culture is creating a new generation of people who choose not to marry and risk reliving their parents mistakes. The author also takes on the important, if uncomfortable, truth that parents do not usually want to do the work of taking on the issues that their divorce creates for their children. Not fighting in front of the children isn't enough. Children need to be given opportunities to express their anger at having their lives torn apart, their homes and friends snatched away, and time with their parents disappear. The author points out that parents are usually more concerned with dealing with their own issues surrounding the divorce, working on new relationships, and rebuilding their personal social lives. The children of divorce are typically left on their own emotionally, sometimes literally. She also addresses the issue of children having to adjust to new step-parents, lovers, and step-siblings. The problem of competition between children and step parents is also treated with frankness. Children are far too often given short shrift when a new step-parent feels threatened or that the child is taking up too much: time, space, money, attention, etc. The author is admirably blunt in stating that if forced to choose, parents more often than not choose the new spouse over their child. This is an important work that should serve as a wake-up call. Divorce hurts children. Children of divorce are more likely to get divorced, creating more hurt children. Our society cannot survive too many more generations of this cycle before we implode upon ourselves. Read this book.
Rating: 
Summary: Misleading
Review: I believe Dr. Wallerstein's work and conclusions are misleading and potentially harmful to children and families if taken as gospel. The reader must realize that these children have more in common than being "children of divorce". These children were not merely "children of divorce", but also children of at least one parent who was not emotionally healthy and helped create greater adjustment problems that required therapeutic intervention. Examples include Karen, who was parentified by her mother and Larry who was the son of a wife-beating, woman-hating alienator. There is no mention of a cross-section of "children of divorce" of emotionally healthy parents - whose children did *not* require therapy - an important and completely ignored group. I also find it interesting that there is little mention of therapeutic intervention that may or may not have taken place with the parent(s) to assist them in discontinuing the behaviors that were creating and further exacerbating the childrens' distress. Unfortunately, there are those emotionally unhealthy parents out there that will take Dr. Wallerstein's words as gospel and use it to cause further distress to children and their families. Dr. Wallerstein's work is important in that it does illustrate some behaviors that are harmful to children, but her conclusions are not necessarily on target on what *all* "children of divorce" feel and require.
Rating:
Summary: A 25 years review with a bok worth reading
Review: First and foremost to the divorcing parents I advise this book. It can help you see what is most important to you- your prioraty as a parent or as a husband or wife. This study has many examples and it brings almost every problem of how divorce affects the kids more than it to you.
It is not only a study of 25 years made in a book to the ones being or geting divorce but also to those who are interested in the issue can read it, since it is not only interesting andreal but it is also entertaining.
Rating:
Summary: This book will break your heart.
Review: As a special education teacher in the public schools I face the legacy of divorce, in all its stark, naked and painful reality, each and every day. Although I have personally encountered many students who voice the same issues as outlined in this book, Dr. Wallerstein's work still broke my heart. Whenever the subject of divorce is raised, sides automatically are taken with regard to the rights of each partner, yet no one ever thinks of the children. This book needs to be required reading in every psychology, social work, or counseling program so that practioners are exposed to another side of divorce; the side that is not typically portrayed in academia, as well as in our popular culture. This book may be considered "politically incorrect" to many because Dr. Wallerstein does not proffer the tired, shopworn feminst perspective. Yet her voice is an important one because it advocates for the party who has the least power, yet is most effected by the decision to divorce; the children.
Rating:
Summary: Finally... the truth!!
Review: Thank You for writing this book! I'm an adult child of divorce and this book is gospel truth!! In it's pages are contained the exact feelings and experiences of myself, my siblings, and my friends who are from divorced homes. My parents divorce has messed my whole life up and even in my 30's I'm still trying to recover from its effects so I can have a happy life someday finally. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in what I experienced. Divorce is just another ill that the baby boomers have unleased upon the nation in their constant selfishness. Our generation is left with the results and will have to clean up their mess (like so many other unethical messes the baby boomers have caused.) Judith makes a good point a few times in the book... how is the nation going to deal with all these aging baby boomers in a few year? My parents don't even bother to be caring grandparents and yet I know someday they will come whining to me for help. I can't wait to see their generation finally reap what they have sown. They were never there for us... they will find nobody there for them. My siblings and I have discussed it and we all agree... let our prodigal step-sister take care of our parent and step-parent in their old age... although they better hope that she doesn't have her own issues and anger with them.
Rating: 
Summary: Very valuable info
Review: This book contains vitally important information for anybody connected with or considering divorce. This includes parents, step-parents (actual or prospective), divorce lawyers, judges, social workers, teachers and, or course, the children of divorce themselves. Dr. Wallerstein devastatingly and eloquently describes the host of familial, emotional, social and financial problems faced by these kids- problems that not only endure to adulthood but may frequently even intensify. It will not be comfortable reading for those involved with divorce, but it will be extremely useful. I have three basic reservations about the book: 1. Dr. Wallerstein spends more time discussing how we can "improve" divorce than how we can improve marriage. Granted, many divorced people have no choice in the matter, and they need good advice. But wishful discussions of two mature and unselfish divorced parents cooperating for the good of the child begs a question: if these parents are so capable of working together that they can deal well with the thorny and delicate parenting problems associated with a divorce situation, why not put those skills into building a better marriage? After reading this book, I am convinced that the latter would be far easier, less complicated and better for the kids! 2. The book seems to view cohabitation as similar to marriage and unmarried sexual activity in adults as normative. Both these views are as indefensible as the view that divorce is harmless. 3. In a few spots (e.g. page 108), the book appears to hold children in general to a rather low behavioral standard. Parents might get the idea that destructive behaviors like drug experimentation, teen sexual activity and heavy drinking are "normal" just because they are common in our culture. But regardless of how accurate Dr. Wallerstein's data may be, she should have clarified that parents who want authentically successful kids need to raise them to be good, not just "average". However, in spite of the reservations, I recommend this book for the information related to the long-term consequences of divorce. For those considering divorce who have a choice, the message taken from this book should be: avoid it! For those with no choice, the message from this book should be: understand what your kids are experiencing and put them first! For the rest of us, whether Dr. Wallerstein agrees or not, the message should be to work towards stronger legal restrictions on this extreme solution.
Rating:
Summary: NOT the truth -- NOT how to help your kids!
Review: I got this book at a seminar by the author, Ms. Wallerstein, for divorce attorneys, and thus was able to speak with her at length about the book and its background. While this book offers interesting and possibly helpful information, there is absolutely NO scientific validity to the book at all! Basically, the conclusions of this book are based on the author's opinion of what she saw, and are mainly anecdotal -- that is, interesting stories. As a Family Law attorney who has also worked for years with children, I believe that when read alone, the conclusions of this book can be harmful to children as well as to their parents. The BOTTOM LINE is that real valid studies have shown that the main thing that will determine how your children survive and grow after divorce is how well the parents get along. And, while divorce is always devastating to children, staying together can be worse, where the home is unloving, cold, angry, etc. Children see themselves as 50/50 of each parent. So, when one parent puts down the other parent, the child feels put down himself. But, if parents work together for their children -- attend events together (or at least simultaneously) support each other in the children's eyes, are flexible and caring and otherwise behave in a polite adult manner, the children can grow up happy and well adjusted. (In other words, always treat your ex as you would like your child to treat a sibling!! Remember, they're going to copy you!) The sad reality is that the children's problems do NOT come from the divorce, but from YOUR behavior. And your good treatment of the other parent is more important than bedtimes, homework, what kind of food is eaten, whether rules are different or the same, etc. (So, if you find yourself fighting with the other parent about these kinds of issues, you may have to take a long hard look in the mirror!) Thus, I do NOT recommend this book. If you are concerned about the effects of divorce on your child, take a long hard look at "Caught in the Middle" by Garrity and Baris -- a book about how conflicting parents affect their children. Then buy any of the good books here on how to co-parent your child together and move forward from there! The best way you can help your child is to treat each other as partners in your most important "business" -- raising your children. Please don't use this book as an excuse to stay angry and mean and then say "the divorce did it."
Rating:
Summary: Help for children of divorce
Review: Anyone involved with children of divorce should read this book. First, let me say that I am not at all a conservative family values type person who has an axe to grind against all divorce. But I thought this book raised some very hard issues that society has not looked at enough when it comes to how much divorce hurts children. Some reviewers have made it sound as if Wallerstein were against all divorce. One of the things that makes her book so thoughtful and compelling is that she is not. She clearly understands the damage that staying in a really bad marriage can do to kids and acknowledges that sometimes divorce is best for the kids. But what she focuses on mainly is the middle ground of marriages that are less than ecstatically happy, but not catastrophes either -- which, if we are honest, probably describes most peoples's marriages at some point in their lives. She also looks at effects of divorce most researches have neglected: the effect on kids of simply being shuttled around from one house to another a lot, of less time with parents as a result of parents' new love lives, new work lives, etc. She does not lay a mindless guilt trip on parents, but she does make you think about things that many people have not thought about enough.
Rating:
Summary: A book every American family should read
Review: Not only does this book examine the after effects of divorce on children years after the event, it also closely investigates what happens to children in families where violence, neglect, and unhappiness prevail, but whose parents decide to stay together. Dr. Wallerstein's 25 years of research is an incredible sociological study of the end of the 20th century and how divorce affects our society. Not only that, it's interesting to read the individual case studies. Well done!
Rating:
Summary: well worth your time and money
Review: I am very thankful to have stumbled across this wonderful book. I ordered it on New Year's Day - and what a way to begin a new year! I now realize that I'm not nuts, my parents aren't unusually mean or spiteful, and my life is just one of millions affected by divorce. This book helped me to understand that the feelings of angst, anger, and longing that overcame me in my late 20's (at a time when, I thought, I was "over" my parents' divorce when I was 8) was normal and being experienced by many other of my brethren who parents split up in the '60s, '70s, and '80s. Now that I know that my feelings are the valid remainders and reminders of a marriage failed - and a culture forever changed - I am ready to move on with my life. Thank you, Mrs. Wallerstein for taking the time to revisit the "children" that you first came to know 25 years ago. They - and we - will be forever grateful for this insightful work.
| 
