Rating: 
Summary: Suspicious of "self-help" books? THIS IS YOUR BOOK!!!
Review: "Passionate Marriage" is a challenge to the best in all of us. We CAN grow up and take responsibility for ourselves, Schnarch assures us. And he provides a blueprint, a philosophy of growth -- with case histories of "hopeless" marriages that became vital and hot solely because both particuipants were willing to put themselves on the line and grow the hell up. He includes fascinating and inspiring examples from his own marriage -- he dares to present it as a work in progress rather than a fait accompli, which enhances, not undermines, his authority. I devoured this book; it made sense out of so much that "traditional" marriage manuals have obfuscated or overlooked. This book is NOT a compendium of quick 'n easy foreplay techniques, or ways to listen and make yourself. The main point is this simple: to have a passionate marriage, you've got to learn to stand on your own two feet. He throws the touchy-feely empathy-and-listening model out the window and proposes something more radical: personal integrity must be upheld at all costs, including a marriage which compromises it. Divorce isn't the end of the world, but according to Schnarch's extremely wise and insightful model of crises and communion in marriages, staying married and learning to "differentiate" is a joyful, sexy, deep and spiritual experience for which there is no substitute in adult relationships. It has changed, at a very deep level, the way I view problems in my own marriage. Becoming more "differentiated" (quotation marks are to avoid sounding jargony and self-helpy -- it really means separating emotionally, remaining my own person and not succumbing to the temptation to have a mind-meld marriage) from my husband began almost as soon as I'd read the first chapter, and has translated -- and this is the mysterious part -- into the most amazing sex we've ever had.
Rating:
Summary: FOR CHRISTIANS ALSO!
Review: Most evangelical Christians (of which I am one) would not read David's book, but they should! His language is pretty "worldly" and can be offensive, but the concepts that he discusses are actually Scriptural. His basic concepts are actually more scriptural than most of the so-called "Christian" books that we find in Christian book stores. His basic concept of "Differentiation" really is nothing more than being mature enough to live out "Covenant-style" relationships. In a Covenant relationship, the person offers to love and give in relationship not based on what they get back, but solely on the basis of their own integrity (wholeness). I give to you, not in order to get back, but simply because I CHOOSE to give to you, without regard to how you give back. God himself demonstrated covenant-style relationship first with Israel and now offers it to all through His Son.David Schnarch's language is hard to get around, but the concepts, as applied to relationships are really worth the effort. We Christians say that God created sex to be great and marriage to be great, but most of us have real difficulty in living that out because we are stuck in "contract-style" relationships (I give so that you can give back to me and I can then feel good about myself) [borrowed functioning and reflected sense of self]. David's book can help transition us out of contract style relationships to "Covenant-style" relationships.
Rating:
Summary: Excellent source for the exploration of relationship issues.
Review: Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage. New York: Norton, 1997, 432p. Passionate Marriage David Schnarch introduces us to a form of sex therapy that goes beyond the sensate focus approach on which modern sexual therapy has been based in order to get to the heart of how couples become present with each other. Some couples have the tendency to focus on the mechanics of sex: achieving an erection in males and lubrication in females, and the follow through to orgasm. Schnarch says this misses the entire point of sex which is the emotional and intimate connection that provides contact and facilitates growth in relationship. Through the establishment of self validation and personal integrity through differentiation* Schnarch encourages individuals in committed relationships to maintain a sense of self that sets the boundaries, desires, and goals for their interaction. This done he encourages them to bring their sperate selves together in a way that enables them to maintain their individual integrity while giving and accepting attention and affection and making contact with each other that allows them to use their sexual togetherness to relate to each other. Specific tools recommended by Schnarch to promote intimacy include: hugging till relaxed, eyes open foreplay; mental dimensions of sexual experience, eyes open orgasm, making contact during sex, as well as "doing and being done." Of hugging till relaxed he says a great deal can be learned about how two people hug each other. He notes that some of his clients absolutely could not stand to continue a hug for more than a few seconds before coming to therapy. Schnarch looks at reasons why some people might be uncomfortable with this type of touching in order to uncover the emotional and mental dramas that prevent intimacy. Similarly he notes how some couples have never considered the possibility of being in the moment, with the light on and with their eyes open during foreplay, intercourse, and orgasm. He notes that state that the majority of those questioned have not experienced orgasm while looking at their partners and many consider it unthinkable to do so and that he has even been challenged by other sex therapist who think "eyes open orgasm" is of little value. Of "doing and being done" he states: "Doing is consistently described as: (a) moving into your partner, (b) tasting his or her essence, (c) ravishing him/her with fervor and generosity, (d) sending him or her to the edge, and (e) experiencing your own eroticism in the process. Doing someone is pleasurable in itself, but your partner reciprocates by receiving." (264) He adds that: "Being done involves surrender, union, and the power of receiving" (266) Schnarch believes sexuality is an opportunity for self enrichment and discovery through connection with other. Sometimes it is thwarted because of childhood traumas that hide in the psyche and sabotage individual's ability to be present, in the moment, during intimate or sexual exchanges. Often control issue dramas or elaborate defense mechanisms prevent connections. Schnarch also states that couples always have the same level of differentiation, and that it is not true, as some maintain when entering therapy, that one is more differentiated than the other. Because of this, when one member of the couple grows the other is forced to. Schnarch draws two circles in a diagram to explain how this works. The inner circle he calls the "comfort circle," the outer one, "the growth circle." He states that often individuals fight for years to prevent moving into the growth circle because of the turmoil that comes into relationships when that path is taken, however he also notes that if they refuse to grow the relationship will fail. He encourages couples to enter the growth circle without the battle of wills that often mark the boundaries of war that overpower relationships. He states that doing so on a regular basis when problems are small, enables couples to deal with relationship and individual issues before they get too large and frightening to face. He further notes that doing so expands their ability to accept and embrace change so that when real life threatening changes come along, couples are prepared to face them. Schnarch speaks of marriage as "The Sexual Crucible," a container in which the individuals in a committed relationship can change within the bonds of matrimony. He gives advice on how couples can "hold on" to themselves during arguments, instead of reacting and escalating them. One key to holding onto yourself is to stop disproving that there is "something wrong with you" or claiming that you're good enough the way you are. Stop inviting your partner to "prove" you need to change. People don't change when they feel under attack --- and defending yourself invites attack. The issue isn't whether you're good enough the way you are. It's a question of who you want to be. (337) When a couple has an argument, Schnarch recommends: "stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself"(338). He uses the metaphor of climbing a mountain to make his point. He ask how sensible it would be to approach the mountain and expect the mountain to come down to us? Instead it is us who must change, work, transverse the spire in order to get to the top. It is the individual who has to do the work to reach the summit of the mountain or self fulfillment in relationship. Schnarch states: "Becoming is never safe or secure, especially if we're dependent on a reflected sense of self. We don't get to stop when we're scared or uncomfortable, because we grow by going into the unknown" (400). Schnarch's book is no light read. It is not the kind of popular, "best seller" you will find in the check out isle of the supermarket that gives three easy steps to nirvana. It is a serious work for those who are seriously ready to examine, willing to possibly dismantle, begin to rebuild, and greatly improve their relationships. *NOTE: Webster's Dictionary lists one of the meanings of differentiate as: "5: to express the specific distinguishing qualities of:". Schnarch uses the term the way it is used by Psychologists, Murry Bowen, to establish a balance between the ability of self to come together with others or to seperate, or individuate from others. Richard Peek
Rating: 
Summary: catch 22
Review: I feel like I should write about the issues I have with this book. I completely understand the point of being differentiated and agree with it. Selfishness is important in regards to maintaining your sense of self. Afterall we all know that we can't be complete in a relationship if we are not first complete in ourselves. I mean I remember my mother saying that if you want people to like you then you first need to like yourself - others will follow. And she was right. That said I don't like some of the circular thinking I find here. If you don't compromise then you haven't addressed all your internal issues so you ae not really differentiated. One of those catch22 that annoys me. What if some people really just are not compatible bc of basic personality types or if one grows in a different direction. Do you continously argue (in a mature fashion)? I mean I understand staying together for children I suppose... but I don't believe marriage has to be big compromise all the time. If this is true then aren't you eventually sacrificing your differentiation?
Rating:
Summary: Give a little? Maybe not this time.
Review: I'm amazed! A relationship book that admits compromise is not always possible or even the best option. Dr. Schnarch's advice really rings true to me, though I do think he could have laid it out in a more concise manner.
Rating:
Summary: It changed my partner from focusing on my orgasm to...
Review: I'm dating an avid reader - of fiction. But when my partner agreed to read this book I no longer had to keep trying to articulate what wasn't working for me while kissing and in bed, trying to get him to relax and have fun. He had been very mechanical and focusing on whether I had an orgasm or not to determine whether he was good in bed or not. We are finally starting to connect instead of having the robotic sex. I had actually broken up with him the sex was such a problem, but he changed night and day after reading this book. :) :) :)
I had read the book long ago, it is like doing deep therapy just to read it. It changed me while I read it. Don't read it unless you're willing to take yourself on, and risk being more connected with other people (not just your lover).
Rating:
Summary: catch 22
Review: This book offers a truly profound look at the processes of marriage, and offers insight that will impact all your relationships, not just the one with your partner.
Schnarch describes how reaching gridlock (feeling stuck) is a normal part of the marriage process - and does not mean that you are abnormal or your marriage is broken. He provides a roadmap for passing through gridlock by embracing intimacy... and it *does* require the courage to pass through the crucible. Applying Scharch's approach requires (and helps) you to find the courage to truly love.
This book is a must read.
Rating: 
Summary: A minority viewpoint.
Review: .
There may be some helpful and meaningful information in this bloated (408 pages), poorly organized and poorly written book but I didn't have the patience to find it. To be fair, out of frustration I stopped reading after the first couple of chapters and stopped skimming altogether about midway through. The problems for me begin right at the beginning with the author's telling of a decision he made as a student to not compromise his principles for the sake of an overbearing professor. This, he tells us, is an example of "differentiation." How is this going to relate to passion in marriage? We're left clueless. The concept of differentiation pops up throughout at least the first half of the book and, given its importance to the author, you'd expect there to a chapter - or at least a section - explicitly devoted to clearly and succinctly defining and specifically discussing what it is and what it means. Alas, that is not to be. Instead we get a meandering tome littered with psychobabble and punctuated by interminable vignettes of couples in therapy within which our author miraculously seems to always say just the right thing at just the right time. Worse, the author presents his methods with an "I'm right and everyone else is wrong" attitude based, it seems, entirely on anecdotal evidence. What did I learn from this book? Having a Ph.D. does not make you a good writer.
.
| 
