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Summary: Best and most challenging book on relationships I've read
Review: If you know that you and your relationship ought to be better than they are but just feel stuck - read this book. As a couple therapist and partner in a 20 year relationship I have had a growing sense that something is missing from how we normally view conflict and crisis in relationships. This book fills the gap. David Schnarch sees our intimate relationships as a "crucible" for personal growth. And, wonder of wonders, he actually explains what growth looks like. Using the concept of "differentiation" he explains how you can have your cake and eat it too - being your own person whilst maintaining close intimacy. Many of the examples and exercises are focused on sexual issues which is great because that is so often a cause of tension in our relationships. However the message he has to offer applies whatever the issues are you face. The path he maps out is at the same time wonderfully hopeful and immensely challenging. He offers no easy answers but provides solid guidance for making a difficult but endlessly rewarding journey. The book has given me food for thought for months already, and probably for years to come. Highly recommended.
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Summary: Selfishness leads to better intimacy
Review: This relationship book stands out from all the rest. What I especially enjoyed was the idea of separating emotionally and remaining my own person. Intimacy takes on a whole new meaning, when I am self-actualized. The struggle with too much interdependence in our marriage seems to be over for good. It's odd that what could be considered as "selfishness" can actually be great for a relationship. Through Dr. Schnarch's book, we learned to break through the emotional blocks that held us back from total satisfaction. Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love told us how. I have learned that it's okay to think about myself first, even during sex. This book freed us from the specter of uneven sexual desire, and battles about oral sex. Selfishness has led to the best sex we've ever had. These are a couple of books that stand out from the usual crowd.
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Summary: Do you give too much and then resent it?
Review: If you avoid long-term relationships because you're unable to balance your needs with those of your mate, this book will help you to sort it out and achieve a more balanced, loving relationship. Don't let the title scare you--great for singles too!
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Summary: Finally a pop psych book that has depth
Review: The field of sex therapy has needed an alternative to the pathology-based behavioral models that have dominated the profession. Schnarch ofers an alternative view that is grounded in systemic theory that understands the role of intimacy and even spirituality in sexuality. The sexual crucible paradigm was intitially introduced in his first work, "Constructing the Sexual Crucible." This book is a more scholarly work and a must read for any therapist. He has suceeded in Passionate Marriage in writing a book that addresses many complex concepts in a very understandable and readable format. I highly recommend "Passionate Marriage" to the couples I treat and they continue to find it extremely helpful.
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Summary: Intimacy is not an accident, it's a work in progress.
Review: Schnarch, David, Ph.D., Passionate Marriage: Sex,Love and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships. W.W. Norton & Company, New York, 1997. The great comic and tongue-and-cheek philosopher, Groucho Marx once said, ""Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." After reading David Schnarch's new Book, "Passionate Marriage," it is clear to see that Schnarch would agree with Groucho. According to Schnarch, the route to mature sexual fulfillment, has little to do with specific body parts or the condition of those parts, but has everything to do with the minds of and the level of differentiation (emotional maturity) of the participants. Utilizing Bowenian theory as its undergirding, David Schnarch has graced us with his second book on integrating sexual and marital therapy. His first book, "Constructing The Sexual Crucible" (1991 Norton Press), is a comprehensive, albeit challenging treatise that traces our ! history of conceptionalizing and treating sexual dysfunction and explicates his new paradigm of sexual and emotional intimacy. "Passionate Marriage" is written in a style that is geared toward the highest common denominator. Schnarch offers us a window into real change that is not promised easily. This is not an approach that guarantees the reader a key to quick and simple intimacy. There are no clear "how tos" that will fix the dashed hopes of frustrated lovers and marital partners, or their therapists. Instead, Schnarch's second offering of his sexual crucible paradigm is a substantially more digestible approach to helping couples raise their level of differentiation so that they can face themselves and their partner while simultaneously lowering their own anxiety. It is a book that requires serious contemplation and considerable risk in order to reap its potential rewards -- a lot like marriage itself. Colorful case examples and vignettes illus! trate the application of his ideas. The book is divided i! nto three sections. The first, "The Basics", lays the groundwork for the sexual crucible model and brings the reader up to speed on Schnarch's non-pathologizing view of sexual and emotional development. Part two, "Tools for Connection," provides the reader with ways to implement his new paradigm and makes for the most exciting reading in the book. This is the section of the book that most readers will be drawn back to because in Schnarch's examples they will invariably find themselves and their marriage. It is also the section which offers the most in terms of challenges, ideas and change opportunities. The final section, "Observations on the Process", makes the greatest sense after the reader has not only read section two, but has made earnest attempts at exploring and internalizing its many suggestions. Here again, Schnarch proves himself to be a very different contributor to the field of marital and sexual therapy. His chapter on &quo! t;Two-Choice Dilemmas and Normal Marital Sadism," is a therapist's delight. It gives one that "Ah-hah!" sense of knowing exactly what he means, both by our experience in our offices, and in our own marriages. His final chapter, "Sex, Love, and Death," may be his most courageous. Here Schnarch brings us to painful yet freeing costs of loving deeply. The links between sex, intimacy, spirituality and death are so powerful (and inherently frightening) that we most often avoid their connections. The deal we make in life to have fulfilling intimacy includes all the pain of life. It's inescapable. Carl Whitaker has told us that therapy is in the person of the therapist -- that canned models, theories and techniques are useless to the therapist who is at a poor level of emotional development. Likewise, Murray Bowen and Ed Friedman have told us that as therapists, we cannot take someone beyond where we are ourselves. David Schnarch has given us a book! that is a considerable risk for our field and indeed our c! ulture. He presents us with unique ideas which open him to considerable challenge. In taking this risk, he practices what he preaches and demonstrates his own ability to hold on to and validate himself. My usual shtick about popular self-help/personal growth books is, "if they actually worked there would only be a few of them." With that said, I think "Passionate Marriage" is a book that every marriage and family therapist should read..., that is, if they are brave enough and willing to change their therapy and most of all, their own marriage. Anthony G. Butto, DSW Bucknell University Lewisburg, Pa. 17837 and The Courtyard Counseling Center Selinsgrove, Pa. 17870
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Summary: Crucial information for any person who wants to grow.
Review: Crucial information for any person who wants to grow emotionally (mature)in their ability to cope with life and relationships. While the reading requires effort, the content is enthralling. Dr Schnarch writes this book for the lay person, however his writing style is still that of his highly educated profession. Do Not let this deter you from reading it, though. He packs a huge amount of information and learning into each page. Moreover, the manner in which he writes compels you to continue turning the page and climbing the mountain toward greater understanding of your self, your mate and the dynamics of the committed relationship. His use of everday couples as examples of his point or the lesson, eases your ability to apply the point/lesson to your own situation and growth. Highly recommended. I am grateful for the things I have already started applying to myself and the success I have created. Thanks Dr Schnarch.
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Summary: My lover's eyes are nothing like the sun..
Review: Well, nothing but 10s so far from this book's reviewers, leaving it to me to give Dr. Schnarch's PASSIONATE MARRIAGE a 9, (reserving the "perfect 10" for his next book). Away from work recently with a wicked case of pharyngitis, I stopped by the local bookshop on the homeward-bound trip to recuperate. Decided to look in the Romance & Matrimony section. Pulling up and collapsing in a chair, and then spending an hour perusing all the various manuals and how-to's within arm's reach, I decided on this book as the hands down favorite and superior read and investment of my hard-earned dollars.. Dr. Schnarch has several techniques which, (as pointed out by the previous reviewers), are designed to cure the disease and not the symptoms of marital unhappiness. Very exciting to read, and very human in the best meaning of that term. The key element appears to be his synthesis of sex and marriage therapies. I'm not sure if it has helped my marriage; however it has helped me to function better within my marriage, with more realistic expectations. Perhaps my favorite passage is where the author points out to a couple that their having marital problems is not a failure, but in fact an inevitability of being married. Clearly, modern mass society - many radio & TV "personalities" (?), the breakdown of morality (from whatever cause), political correctness, etc. have ignorantly and unintentionally furthered a pepsi generation/drive-through-window culture which is long on desires but a little bit wanting in the character and resilience department. And so, this book attempts to fill this terrible vacuum which day-to-day living's legacy has bestowed on each of us,- provide a blueprint on how to achieve an intimate and meaningful human relationship of quality and depth in our all-too-often plastic and shallow age. A tour de force, and well worth the cash, too, for anyone serious about making the most of their investment and time remaining in their "significant other" relationship. Well done, Dr. Schnarch!!!
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Summary: Excellent source for the exploration of relationship issues.
Review: Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage. New York: Norton, 1997, 432p. Passionate Marriage David Schnarch introduces us to a form of sex therapy that goes beyond the sensate focus approach on which modern sexual therapy has been based in order to get to the heart of how couples become present with each other. Some couples have the tendency to focus on the mechanics of sex: achieving an erection in males and lubrication in females, and the follow through to orgasm. Schnarch says this misses the entire point of sex which is the emotional and intimate connection that provides contact and facilitates growth in relationship.
Through the establishment of self validation and personal integrity through differentiation* Schnarch encourages individuals in committed relationships to maintain a sense of self that sets the boundaries, desires, and goals for their interaction. This done he encourages them to bring their sperate selves together in a way that enables them to maintain their individual integrity while giving and accepting attention and affection and making contact with each other that allows them to use their sexual togetherness to relate to each other.
Specific tools recommended by Schnarch to promote intimacy include: hugging till relaxed, eyes open foreplay; mental dimensions of sexual experience, eyes open orgasm, making contact during sex, as well as "doing and being done."
Of hugging till relaxed he says a great deal can be learned about how two people hug each other. He notes that some of his clients absolutely could not stand to continue a hug for more than a few seconds before coming to therapy. Schnarch looks at reasons why some people might be uncomfortable with this type of touching in order to uncover the emotional and mental dramas that prevent intimacy. Similarly he notes how some couples have never considered the possibility of being in the moment, with the light on and with their eyes open during foreplay, intercourse, and orgasm. He notes that state that the majority of those questioned have not experienced orgasm while looking at their partners and many consider it unthinkable to do so and that he has even been challenged by other sex therapist who think "eyes open orgasm" is of little value.
Of "doing and being done" he states: "Doing is consistently described as: (a) moving into your partner, (b) tasting his or her essence, (c) ravishing him/her with fervor and generosity, (d) sending him or her to the edge, and (e) experiencing your own eroticism in the process. Doing someone is pleasurable in itself, but your partner reciprocates by receiving." (264)
He adds that: "Being done involves surrender, union, and the power of receiving" (266)
Schnarch believes sexuality is an opportunity for self enrichment and discovery through connection with other. Sometimes it is thwarted because of childhood traumas that hide in the psyche and sabotage individual's ability to be present, in the moment, during intimate or sexual exchanges. Often control issue dramas or elaborate defense mechanisms prevent connections.
Schnarch also states that couples always have the same level of differentiation, and that it is not true, as some maintain when entering therapy, that one is more differentiated than the other. Because of this, when one member of the couple grows the other is forced to. Schnarch draws two circles in a diagram to explain how this works. The inner circle he calls the "comfort circle," the outer one, "the growth circle."
He states that often individuals fight for years to prevent moving into the growth circle because of the turmoil that comes into relationships when that path is taken, however he also notes that if they refuse to grow the relationship will fail. He encourages couples to enter the growth circle without the battle of wills that often mark the boundaries of war that overpower relationships. He states that doing so on a regular basis when problems are small, enables couples to deal with relationship and individual issues before they get too large and frightening to face. He further notes that doing so expands their ability to accept and embrace change so that when real life threatening changes come along, couples are prepared to face them. Schnarch speaks of marriage as "The Sexual Crucible," a container in which the individuals in a committed relationship can change within the bonds of matrimony. He gives advice on how couples can "hold on" to themselves during arguments, instead of reacting and escalating them. One key to holding onto yourself is to stop disproving that there is "something wrong with you" or claiming that you're good enough the way you are. Stop inviting your partner to "prove" you need to change. People don't change when they feel under attack --- and defending yourself invites attack. The issue isn't whether you're good enough the way you are. It's a question of who you want to be. (337)
When a couple has an argument, Schnarch recommends: "stop focusing on what your partner is (or isn't) doing. Focus on yourself"(338). He uses the metaphor of climbing a mountain to make his point. He ask how sensible it would be to approach the mountain and expect the mountain to come down to us? Instead it is us who must change, work, transverse the spire in order to get to the top. It is the individual who has to do the work to reach the summit of the mountain or self fulfillment in relationship. Schnarch states: "Becoming is never safe or secure, especially if we're dependent on a reflected sense of self. We don't get to stop when we're scared or uncomfortable, because we grow by going into the unknown" (400).
Schnarch's book is no light read. It is not the kind of popular, "best seller" you will find in the check out isle of the supermarket that gives three easy steps to nirvana. It is a serious work for those who are seriously ready to examine, willing to possibly dismantle, begin to rebuild, and greatly improve their relationships. *NOTE: Webster's Dictionary lists one of the meanings of differentiate as: "5: to express the specific distinguishing qualities of:". Schnarch uses the term the way it is used by Psychologists, Murry Bowen, to establish a balance between the ability of self to come together with others or to seperate, or individuate from others.
Richard Peek
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Summary: One-of-a-kind approach generates powerful change!
Review: Thanks to David Schnarch for writing "Passionate Marriage". I never really believed that "it" was all about technique...and this book proved it. The "differentiation" process is so clearly shown that I found myself making unconscious changes in my lovemaking with my husband AS I progressed through the book. Hard to describe--essential to read for committed couples. I just ordered a copy for my husband.
Thanks, David
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Summary: I found it to be very thorough, well written and readable.
Review: Dr. Schnarck has put it all together in a wonderful, readable package. Now I know what our therapist has been working on with us for the past 2 years! What a gift to couples, and singles! I found it helpful in every area of my life and have seen real changes and results immediately. Now my husband is reading it. It should be required reading before divorces are granted. I hope to hear more from this man in the future
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