Rating: 
Summary: The right book if you at that stage of life
Review: I've read this book a couple of times. It made sense in my head, but knowing in my heart that the propositions were true only hit me when I was being forced to deal with differentiation myself, in a relationship with someone older. This book will probably be less practical to younger couples, but worth reading at any age if you can just remember the main ideas and re-read it when you come to face them.
Rating: 
Summary: Not only help with your marriage, but yourself, too.
Review: I have been in therapy for 1 1/2 years and in couples therapy with my husband for a year following an affair, which my husband found out about. We have spent this time trying to figure out how we got to that dark point. I found this book online and ordered it because of the title--Passionate Marriage is what my husband and I seek after 12 years together. It took me a few weeks to start reading because I was afraid of what changes I might have to make...all in all, it took me 3 months to finish because Dr. Schnarch lets you know that you have to look at yourself and BE BRAVE! Some of the steps caused so much anxiety for me that I had to put the book down, take a breather and prepare myself for the next step. Luckily, Dr. Schnarch lets us know that this will happen...it's not just something wrong with me. And along the way, he answered so many of the questions that I kept asking, like "...how do you know when you've 'tried hard enough' and it's time to get out of your marriage?" (pg. 376) or "Others have no illusions about wanting their partner...they don't have much capacity for wanting, and they like it fine that way." (pg. 152). Many of the couples used as examples reminded me of my husband and me. Challenging yourself and making changes so that you are strong and respect yourself will rock the boat with your partner in an emotionally fused relationship. Both partners need to adjust to their new found strength. But the goal is to overcome that, and be two differentiated people who CHOOSE and WANT to be together. With the help of this book and my therapists (who agreed to work through the book with us), I feel stronger than ever and am closer to realizing the passionate marriage I want in life! And funnily enough, whether or not the marriage makes it, my husband and I are better people for it.
Rating:
Summary: Incredibly Helpful
Review: This book was so incredibly helpful. I found that many of the suggestions given are be useful for almost every relationship in my life. I have recommended this book to almost everyone I know.
Rating: 
Summary: Ok but it's not easy
Review: to make time for love while you're draining the swamp and mothering and careering so I recommend for a look at love read about Elise in Defenders of the Holy Grail and see that it can happen but it is NOT so easy.
Rating:
Summary: Stands out from the Pack of Couples' Fixit Books
Review: Most books on improving a marriage focus on communication techniques or the basics/exotics of sex ed. David Schnarch has created something quite different. This book focuses on using conflict within the couple to create the growth necessary for partners to relate to each other. The book balances a well written presentation of psychological theory with anectdotal examples of how it manifests in couples. The root of marital conflict is not failure to communicate. Rather, it is accurate communication between incompletely individuated people. Individuation means the ability to connect with another, even in conflict, without losing one's own sense of self. When individuation is lacking, members of a couple must find ways to keep their distance from their partners in order not to lose their sense of self. This distancing is the root of marital (or other committed couple) discord. Schnarch uses the forum of the couple to challenge each individual to develop a stronger, less contingent sense of self. The very institution that produces anxiety--the relationship--becomes the mechanism of repair! He postulates that couples only form between individuals who are similarly individuated. As one member of the couple develops, it challenges the other. The two partners "leapfrog" in their development, continually challenging the other. I've been married for 15 1/2 years. We spent the last three years (we're slow learners) working with a therapist who subcribes to Schnarch's ideas. After many, many wasted dollars with other therapists (we learned all the nice communication techniques, with no improvement in our couplehood), we've finally begun to develop a sense of intimacy in our relationship. This stuff WORKS! For those who'd like a more theoretical background on the material, Schnarch's THE SEXUAL CRUCIBLE is an incredible reference work. It contains the theoretical material found here, but instead of anectdotes about people living the material, it pulls in reams academic material to refute other theories and buttress Schnarch's. Five stars for breaking new ground. Five stars for making key psychological theories accessible. Five stars for importance. If you're in a relationship, and you think it could be better--get this book! It can be! (
Rating:
Summary: Lots of helpful information!
Review: Ok, to be truthful, I don't particularly like the author (found him to be egotistical) and I didn't like his writing style (found it to be wordy and sometimes hard to find his point)--However! There is an amazing amount of helpful information in this book. It was reccommeded to us by our marriage counselor and we found it is much more about intimacy within marriage than about sex, though there are one or two explicit passages. My husband is really bored by "self-help" books and he thought this was the most helpful of the three that were recommeded to us. He said that he went into it expecting the book to talk about my shortcomings and instead found it discribed him just as much. And in a manner that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself--a big plus. Inspires you to grow and change to heal your relationship, holds your hand when you're resistant to changing, helps you decide to change anyway.
Rating:
Summary: Would give it more stars if I could
Review: This is an extraordinary book, full of depth, and insight, andabove all, this book will destroy the common myths that exist rightnow about relationships. This process that Dr. Schnarch talks about isn't for the faint of heart; it will take breaking away from all that is known about relationships, from one's personal past, to society's view of how relationships should be. Therapy hasn't come around yet to this new way of thinking quite yet - most therapists are still supporting the idea of non-differentiation. This book should give the psychology of relationships department a shot in the arm. After going through an intensive symbiotic relationship myself a few years back, I came to realize, on my own, the principles of this book. There was no way I could continue looking for personal validation from my partner, given I wasn't exactly choosing the most supportive relationships anyway. This last relationship, 4 years ago, was a major case in point. After that I made the determination that it was much better to be alone, than to rely on someone to give me a better sense of myself - only I could do that. Its taken that much time to dig into myself and get to re-know myself - well actually, KNOW myself for the first time, and what I do and don't want. It will take a major shift in consciousness to step up to the plate with this book - it demands it of anyone who wants to have a better quality relationship. It means dealing with inner demons, it means stop projecting and blaming your partner for your own failures in life. It means that one has to actually move to a new level of being, and perhaps abandon your past, completely - especially if you really want miraculous relationships with others - this one demands you find one with yourself.
Rating:
Summary: FOR CHRISTIANS ALSO!
Review: Most evangelical Christians (of which I am one) would not read David's book, but they should! His language is pretty "worldly" and can be offensive, but the concepts that he discusses are actually Scriptural. His basic concepts are actually more scriptural than most of the so-called "Christian" books that we find in Christian book stores. His basic concept of "Differentiation" really is nothing more than being mature enough to live out "Covenant-style" relationships. In a Covenant relationship, the person offers to love and give in relationship not based on what they get back, but solely on the basis of their own integrity (wholeness). I give to you, not in order to get back, but simply because I CHOOSE to give to you, without regard to how you give back. God himself demonstrated covenant-style relationship first with Israel and now offers it to all through His Son. David Schnarch's language is hard to get around, but the concepts, as applied to relationships are really worth the effort. We Christians say that God created sex to be great and marriage to be great, but most of us have real difficulty in living that out because we are stuck in "contract-style" relationships (I give so that you can give back to me and I can then feel good about myself) [borrowed functioning and reflected sense of self]. David's book can help transition us out of contract style relationships to "Covenant-style" relationships.
Rating:
Summary: A marvelous, humbling workbook
Review: Very briefly -- Though my girlfriend and I are a bit younger (and less married!) than most of the couples described in Schnarch's marvelous book, we have benefitted enormously from reading it together. Recently, we each read a chapter a week separately (we each have our own copy) and then met to discuss what we had read and how to apply it in our relationship. The basic Schnarchian notion that NO ONE is ready for marriage, that marriage MAKES you ready for marriage -- learning that was worth the purchase price alone. For those who are worn out by the tiresome platitudes of the Mars and Venus crowd, this is the ticket. Marvelous. July 2001 UPDATE: Since I wrote my original review, my girlfriend and I have gotten married. Schnarch still applies, and at the same time, seems all the more challenging within the context of this absolute commitment. Still five stars, and I would add a 6th if I could.
Rating:
Summary: Read this, forget the rest
Review: In the work I've done helping others with their relationships, I've had the opportunity to read plenty of self-help books on relationships. Most of the time I find the books useless, if not harmful. On the recommendation of a friend I checked this book out from the library. Now I'm buying it. I'm also recommending it to every person I know who is ready to make improvements in ALL of their relationships--including their relationships with their self. While other books focus on trying to communicate and on trying to nail down a specific pattern or behavior, this book recommends learning more about yourself and learning how to be true to yourself in order to act from that position in any relationship. Only by knowing what we want as individuals can we be true to others. Read this book, even if you think your relationships are great. You'll learn something about yourself and how you walk in the world.
| 
