Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Rating:
Summary: The turth hurts...
Review: I picked up this book in secrecy one day while browsing through a book store, afraid that someone might know that my family at home was a little messed up.

My dad along with my stepmom it turns out, came from abusive families themselves and thus I grew up suffering their wrath. While growing up, I was afraid that I too would end up being far worse than them since they always seemed to unload everything from me. From their mind games, to their abusive words, to the way they put me down and never once admitted wrong.

Of all of the worst, my father was the most demeaning. It was sort of a jekyll and hyde relationship. He put me down the most, made fun of me the most and seemed to take pride in shredding whatever self-esteem I had. On good days he would seem almost loving, by talking to me, watching basketball games with me and buying me the things I wanted and loved. Yet just as quickly, and without warning, he could tear that all away in an instant. Whenever he chose to. It was very hard to please him. Jumping through endless hoops just wasn't enough, it didn't matter if I succeeded the first 80 times, the 81st would be treated as if it was the end of the world. I was denied the privilidge of going out at nights and doing much of what I wanted until I went away.

The point of all of this, is not to make you feel sorry for my ass but to understand that facing the truth really does hurt. My dad, never really knew what love was - and MORE IMPORTANTLY how to love ME. People need to realize that every individual is different and the way you express it, should never damage a person's self-respect or character.

The truth hurts, all this time I dreamed that if I made it big, that if I proved myself to his liking, that he would love me and tell me I was special. But it never did work out that way. There would be fault in no matter what I do. And he never would change. Confronting him personally, turned out to be one of the biggest arguments I have ever had, but I am better off for it, because I can see the person he really is and move onto better things.

In the end, I have to say I am better off from reading this book and seeing my parents as the cruel undeserving people they are. The truth hurts but face it squarely and it will set you free...

Rating:
Summary: boy does this book explain a lot
Review: As a child of emotional abuse and toxic parents, I found this book to be an invaluable tool.
Up until my early 30s I thought my family was perfect... and everyone else's was messed up!
I sought therapy to deal with my realizations that my family was the one messed up, and I wanted to make sure I didn't repeat the same destructive patterns while raising my own child.
This book, coupled with therapy, has helped me address repressed emotions from my child and adulthood that were results of toxic parenting.
This book explains that toxic parents don't just become that way overnight. They were most likely raised by one or more toxic parents and so on and so on. It's an ugly cycle. You can break the cycle if you take the first step to acknowledge it, then deal with it, and finally... move forward.
I can't tell you how much this book opened my eyes as to WHY things happened to me. I always was uneasy with WHY my parents did things they did. Now I see. I also see what happened to me until I was an adult was my parent's responsibility, and I can stop blaming myself for not being a good enough child etc... and thinking I deserved what I got.
I have placed my anger where it belongs now, and have felt a huge weight lifted from my spirit.
I realize how strong I really am, and am thankful I've turned out as normal as I am considering.
I was verbally abused, forced to be a parental child, emotionally abused, controlled, guilted and manipulated, and my parents did things that today would land them in jail.
I just can't say enough about how helpful and insightful this book is.


Rating:
Summary: Groundbreaking and Not to be MIssed!
Review: Toxic Parents is a great resource for anyone who is suffering abuse at the hands of a parent. Susan Forward is an internationally recognized therapist and writer, who has also hosted her own ABC talk radio program.
As the director of a ministry for Adult Daughters of Abusive or Controlling Birth-Families, I must say that, next to the Bible itself, I have found Toxic Parents to be an invaluable resource for dealing with relatives who will destroy you if you allow it. When you love a family member, and treat them with love, it is hard to understand, or believe, that they would return your love with abuse and maliciousness. But unfortunately, that is reality for many of us, and this book helps us to come to terms with that, and protect ourselves from our family's destructiveness.
Do your parents still treat you like a child? Do they control you with threats or guilt or manipulate you with money? Does it seem that no matter what you do, it's never good enough? As a child, did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems? Do you still?
Toxic Parents explains the dynamics of a dysfunctional family in a very easy-to-read format. Types of toxic parents are discussed in detail, such as inadequate parents, controllers, alcoholics, verbal, physical, and sexual abusers, as well as the family system and why parents behave this way.
Some topics covered are: Spoken and Unspoken Rules, Obedience No Matter What, I Don't Know Where You End and I Begin, No One in This Family is an Alcoholic, The Family Balancing Act, and Fear of Anger. We are shown the rigid mechanisms by which toxic parents cope, such as Denial, Projection (accusing or blaming the child), Sabotage, Triangling (confiding in or enlisting the child against someone else), and Keeping Secrets.
The reader is given steps to reclaim her life and instruction on assertiveness, how to state what you are or are not willing to do, and how to confront your parent, including old, ill, or deceased parents. The chapters on confrontation are especially valuable, teaching what to expect and how to handle your parents' reactions( 'It never happened', 'It was your fault','I said I was sorry', 'We did the best we could','Look what we did for you', etc.), as well as your siblings' reactions and reactions from other assorted relatives.
Toxic Parents teaches you that you are not responsible for your parents' behavior, teasing, neglect, abuse, or unhappiness, their problems, or their choice to do nothing to solve their problems. Your parents are responsible for their own lives and their own actions.
This book will help you decide what kind of a relationship, if any, you can have with your parents. It helped me recognize much of what was going on in my own dysfunctional birth-family, and is a very valuable tool for anyone who needs help in understanding and freeing herself from a situation that is poisoning her life. It will open your eyes- and I highly recommend it to anyone dealing with "parent" issues in their adult lives.



Rating:
Summary: Excellent advice for abuse victims
Review: This wonderful book validates the very real abuse scars left on abuse victims without laying the additional burden of "you HAVE to forgive" or "Just get over it" or "simply stop being a victim/feeling sorry for yourself" or even worse, "why dwell on it? That was years ago" that so many abuse victims get from well-meaning friends and relatives. If you haven't been abused, you just don't get it and never will. Also exposes the many too-simplistic forms of "therapy" that survivors are often confronted with: religion as a cure-all, forgiveness.... Her advice for true healing is practical and a welcome effort to those so scarred by their childhoods. It ain't always "the best years of your life."

Rating:
Summary: Redundancy
Review: This book from Susan Forward describes the different aspects and forms of toxic parents. You learn to analyze your particular situation and how to counteract. The part on verbal self-defensive is very practical. Non-defensive, but very well in application. Susan Forward guides you step-by-step on a more mature level to family interaction and communication.
(We use this book for adult children empowerment, should be a must for all adults)



Rating:
Summary: No Solution
Review: I'm very disappointed that I spent money on this book, and disappointed that I bought into the "bestseller popularity". To me, this book would be popular only to those who want to keep their victim mentality, and have no plans to heal.
Susan Forward spends over half the book describing all the nasty things that toxic parents do to children. Do we need that much? Do people with intelligence and common sense not know that these things are wrong/harmful/toxic?
When I finally reached the part where "help" is supposed to begin, Ms. Forward says that forgiveness isn't necessary, and if it's done, it should be done at the conclusion. Keep your anger, says Ms. Forward. And to that I say, no thanks. Kids of toxic parents have spent lifetimes being hurt, angry, upset, disappointed... it's time to forget the blame game and move on. And part of any successful healing process involves forgiveness.
No matter how "evil" anyone's parents were, it's wrong to sit and blame two people for part of a vicious circle, something that has been passed on from generation to generation. Sure, parents have a responsibility to heal themselves and to be productive, but if they didn't know things were wrong, or if they didn't have the tools to be healed, all of the blame cannot be placed on them.
One cannot end a "hurtful legacy" if one remains in anger, resentment and revenge. I find it irresponsible of a "medical professional" to lead people astray, and tell them to hang onto their anger. I'm sure there are more positive solutions out there for removing toxicity from one's life. This book sure doesn't do it.