Rating: 
Summary: Gosh Darn theraputic
Review: This book feels like and works like therapy, and thats a good thing because therapy is expensive. If you had any kind of parental abuse and would like to explore it, this is a very good start. My therapist said she recommends this book to many patients.
Rating: 
Summary: Excellent, Insightful.
Review: This book was great for me to read. It helped, and the best part is, I could see myself in the pages. You can't expect your abusive parents to admit what they did. You can't expect your siblings to see them the same as you. And don't expect them to change. The only person you can control is you. One thing my therapist pointed out, though, was that I was only remembering the upsetting stuff. I don't think that book helps as far as that goes. There were good times when I grew up, but the shadows were too long, so I saw everything in a darkness.
Rating: 
Summary: Look Back in Anger
Review: This must be one of the saddest books I have ever read. Not simply because of the gut-wrenching stories of abuse, but more importantly because of the totally negative "solutions" it offers. All the way through the book I was aware of a feeling of pure rage and hatred emanating from the text. Just my imagination? I don't think so. Check this giveaway passage (from a "fairy tale" created by one of the author's patients) on page 287: 'Ivy [for Incest Victim] panicked. "But there's no way over the river,'" she cried. "Yes there is," cooed Susan victoriously. "You may *ride on my outrage*. It has carried me far, and it will carry you too." '
(emphasis added) What a powerful, and revealing, description that is! This constant harping on anger and rage is not simply aesthetically unappealing - it is bad psychology. In Chapter 9 - "You Don't Have to Forgive" - the author tells us quite categorically (page 187) that: 'One of the most dangerous things about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions.' Firstly, forget the "most cherished religious, spiritual, philosophical, and psychological principles" that the author rejects. The fact is that we have plenty of hard scientific evidence that holding a grudge will upset your body's chemistry resulting in significant physiological damage such as ulcers, heart problems and/or other stress-related illnesses. Indeed, the whole claim (page 185) that: '... it is not necessary to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself and to change your life!' rings pretty hollow as far as I can hear. Secondly, if the author thinks it so important that victims hang on to this raw edge in order to be able to let go of pent-up emotions, what sense can we make of the following description of a therapy group for incest victims (page 277): 'Every time a new member is initiated, group members must repeat what has long been unspoken. The more often this happens, the more everyone in the group is desensitized to the shame and guilt.' If simple repetition is really so successful in dealing with shame and guilt - which are presumably amongst those "pent-up emotions" - why is it necessary for victims to refuse to forgive? Do different emotions have to be dealt with in different ways? Will the anger and rage still persist after the shame and guilt have (allegedly) gone? Indeed, can we even take seriously this idea that repetition provides an effective way of clearing negative emotions? Again, the practical evidence is that repetition does not *clear* bad memories. Rather it literally *fixes* them more firmly in your brain. We may be "desensitized" on the surface, even as all hell breaks loose at the subconscious level.
This is, in fact, a good example of how being a victim or a "survivor" becomes an essential element of someone's core identity. ("Victim" and "survivor" are actually very similar roles in that they both keep us looking backwards, chained to the past, instead of allowing us to let go of the past and move on.) Nor was I reassured by this passage on 'confronting your aggressor' (page 294): '1. ... If the aggressor claims not to remember, ask him to acknowledge that even though *he* doesn't remember, it must be true because *you* remember.' Has the author never heard of false memory syndrome? Both America and Britain have seen major child abuse witch hunts take place based on nothing more than this simple assumption - that everything a child says it remembers is bound to be a TRUE memory. (Not forgetting the overenthusiastic care workers who "help" the children to "remember" non-existent events.) The fact is that many children can VERY easily be talked into remembering things that never happened at all. Getting a child to mis-interpret an essentially innocent event - to favour one side or the other in a custody battle, for example - is just as easy, if not easier. Despite the claim that this is the route to "reclaiming your life" I strongly suspect that whilst, superficially, it may *appear* to bring benefits, it is *actually* more likely (at a deeper level) to perpetuate the destructive effects of the initial abuse.
Rating:
Summary: Best Guidelines for confronting
Review: I used to think that we could heal without confronting, but I came to know differently. Even if 'they' are no longer with us, we still have to confront to 'completely' heal. Dr. Forward gives the best suggestions and guidelines I have seen as to when and how to do it so we can redefine our relationships and be healthy and happy. This is a wonderful and definitive book about how to heal not only from toxic parents, but also from others who were abusive to us. I recommend this book to all my clients who are recovering from toxic relationships.
Rating:
Summary: Great information and advice: best self help book ever.
Review: It takes courage to pick up this book -- to dare to consider the possibility that one's parents were, in fact, inadequate. You might think that the book attempts to blame all one's difficulties on one's parents. It doesn't. It deftly adopts the stance simply that each person is responsible for his own actions. You aren't responsible for what your parents did to you, and they aren't responsible for what you do now. You are responsible for making your life better than it was for you as a child. This book tells you how. The book provides: 1. a marvelous catalog of virtually every possible kind of abusive parental behavior, from the most obvious to the most insidious and subtle 2. a list of the emotional effects of such behavior on children (and the adults they become) and 3. a strategy for overcoming these effects. For once, a self-help author claims to know something, and proves it, without falling into defending some pet theory such as the one that every abuser was abused as a child (and is therefore somehow less guilty as an adult). Susan forward completely avoids such pointless posturing. She just identifies a problem, its effects, and its solution. And she gives plenty of evidence for the correctness of her theory and practice. Case histories abound. About the only thing I don't like about the book is how she follows several case histories simultaneously. I got a bit confused. I recommend writing down the (fictional) names of the patients, so you can keep track of who is who. All in all, the most helpful self-help book I've ever read. Worth reading over and over. Packed with clearly-stated wisdom.
Rating:
Summary: My life is in this book
Review: My counsellor gave me this book and said "I think you need to read this". Boy, did I ever!! I could be reading about me on every page of the book - every emotion, self-doubt, self-loathing, self-disgust and thinking it was all my fault, in fact, everything I had ever felt was there, and suddenly everything made sense. I had been having great difficulty in accepting that I had been a victim of abuse. All I kept saying was that I shouldn't be whining about my life when others have suffered worse than me, then I read Toxic Parents, and realised I had to admit that I was a victim too, or I would never get better. When I first read the section about Confrontation, I thought I'd rather die than rock the boat and confront my father - but a few months (and re-reads) later, I feel that I now have the strength to confront my father and deal with the consequences. My partner and a few select close friends (who know the REAL me) have seen me grow up and take charge of my life, and they all agree that I am about 100% emotionally healthier now, and it's all down to Susan Forwards' book. Before reading toxic parents I was marching towards self-destruction, now I am learning to live life to the fullest, I have left behind my emotional baggage, and am free to discover a life worth living.
Rating:
Summary: Is Susan Forward still available for private consultations?
Review: Wow! This book really nails my relationship with my parents and what's been eating away at me all these years. And it does it in a straightforward, no-nonsense way. I am usually not a fan of self-help books because they are usually full of touchy-feely "healing the inner child" stuff. Once this book makes you see exactly how your upbringing damaged you, it tells you step-by-step how to confront the past and move on. A real testament to the power of this book is that I recommended it to my sister--very much a pull-yourself up by your bootstraps, accept it and move on kind of person--and she thought it contained amazing insight. My sister and I have started confronting the pain of our past for the very first time, and this book helped us do that. Can we get a two-for-one special for consultations with Dr. Forward? As for the reviewers who think this book is just blaming the parents for everything, they've got it all wrong. You CAN blame them for what happened in your childhood, because you were a child and had no control over it. But you ARE responsible for your actions as an adult. Coming to terms with your past and placing responsibility where it belongs is the first step in gaining control over and taking responsibility for your adult life.
Rating:
Summary: I Realized The Deficiency of My parents.
Review: Hi people.
I want to write a review for this book "Toxic Parents" because I recommend this book truly. Especially for people having from even little problems with their parents or closed ones to even those volcanic relationships. I have a very tormented mother from her own childhood and maybe my grandmother too suffered the same way. The words that Dr. Susan uses are good and very appropriate for readers of all type. I felt very consoling as I read the book. I realized that the imperfections of families is not a myth or dream. It exists, and is common. In all forms and degrees. After being beaten by my mother for 8 years and still being harassed and verbally abused by the woman I never want to beat up of, I naturally focus the blame on myself, being a little tough type. But beneath my strong outer surface is the "hurt little growing child" or so that is still awaiting recognition. Susan Forward's book is helpful to me for me to identify my situation. I even laughed at some points when she quoted some real cases, their situations were replica of mine, and I finally know that toxic parents used the same things to scold us, like saying we are ugly or what when outside people are keep saying we are goodlooking, hmmm....I will look out for Susan's other books soon. :)
This book is a MUST for tormented people, okay? Because it helps Us to start the wheel of healing. Remember. :) It is very good to have emphatic people around, who are like her.
I might want to contact her soon.
I take this opportunity to comment on her great writing, her expertise and understanding and emphatical qualities.
Amazing woman! :)
Rating:
Summary: Absolutely AWESOME
Review: I keep reading it over and over and over!! Essential in the quest of growing up and away from your parents if they were TOXIC.
Rating:
Summary: Helping to put the pieces together.
Review: It was wonderful finding a book that actually described my dad. ...to know that there are several people out there putting up with similar parents. My mom showed him the book. Naturally he didn't see himself. Everything is presented in an easy to understand format. I found the examples given to be very clear and effective. I had no doubts about the type of person being described. No vague samples here. There is help among these pages too. She gives suggestions on how to go beyond the abuse and how to break free.
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