Rating: 
Summary: Growing is a necessity
Review: I bought this book about a month ago. This book has validated most of my feelings about my childhood!! I confronted my father years ago, and about a year ago confronted my mother for being the "silent partner". My family has all turned on me, except for one sister (out of five), for upsetting the "family balance". For 11 months I consistantly dealt with feelings of guilt and blame from myself and my siblings, until I read this book. "Toxic Parents" has helped me understand why my sisters turned on me, and has helped me in understanding them and myself by being validated. I enjoyed this book, and passed it on to my sister, and bought one for my sister-in-law. I plan to re-read it when my sister gets done, to help me confront my mother in a more mature way. (After the "cool off" period) Victims of emotional and physical abuse need to have closures in their lives to grow!!!!!
Rating:
Summary: Excellent Book!
Review: After reading the one-star review by the reader from NY on March 14, 2000, I had to respond. It seems to me this person is awfully defensive and, I suspect, is guilty of some of the behavior that is described as abusive in the book...No parent is perfect. We all know that. This book is not about demonizing parents. It is about learning to recognize incidents in our lives that adversely affect our behavior and our emotional well-being. I bought this book because of problems my husband and I were having with his parents. Since he was a child, he had been put into a role of emotional partner to his mother. When he decided to start doing some things on his own, she got very upset and started pouring on the guilt. I arrived on the scene at about the same time and became a convenient scapegoat, accused of manipulating him and stealing him away from them. Unfortunately (before I found this book and other helpful ones) things got really bad, and now we have virtually no relationship with my in-laws. It's a very sad situation. However, my husband and I now recognize the games for what they are and no longer buy into the idea that it's our fault for "upsetting" them so much that they just can't be around us. (If I hadn't experienced it myself, I wouldn't have believed that adults could behave in such an irrational manner! ) Reading books like this one and speaking with counselors has provided us with useful insights that will help us interact with them in a healthy manner, if we ever get the chance again. If you're going through this too, you are NOT alone! Get this book and read it. It helps you recognize behaviors that are harmful to you. It helps you learn to overcome problems in the past and avoid inappropriate treatment in the future. I also recommend the book "The Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal" by John C. Friel and Linda Friel for anyone who found this book helpful. It's not as detailed, but it gives a lot of information in a very easy-to-read format. If you're being manipulated by your parent(s), I recommend "Emotional Blackmail," also by Susan Forward. If you were put into an inappropriate role by your parents, I strongly suggest "Emotional Incest Syndrome" by Patricia Love and Jo Robinson. The title is disturbing but the information is excellent!
Rating: 
Summary: Proceed with caution
Review: I picked this book up from a used book store mostly because, as as someone who does family support work and has worked with abused children, I felt compelled to read it - the book is considered a classic. It hasn't, at least to me, stood the test of time. It may still be worth reading for professionals just on the grounds I stated - because of the book's status as a classic, but I wouldn't reccommend it for people who are still working through abuse issues. First, the strengths of the book. Forward uses alot of vignettes to illustrate her points. This technique is helpful for readers because it demonstrates that, despite what some of her critics have suggested, she doesn't consider every parent who has ever raised his/her voice to a child to be a toxic parent. She does know what real abuse is, and she provides good definitions, including some good checklists, to help determine it. Some of her advice is very practical, such as the need for counselling, and the use of techniques such as role play and letter writing. The book is fast paced and easy to understand. So why such a low grade? Forward is stuck on blaming parents for their mistakes. She wants to label all abusive parents as monsters, and many aren't. At times, Forward seems to have an understanding of family systems theory, but she then fails to utilize it to have some empathy for the conditions that created the abusive parents in the first place. I don't think her level of anger is particularly useful to victims. Anger can only get a person so far; eventually there must be healing. I also disagree, based on solid research, with her stance against forgiveness. Eventually, if victims don't forgive, they will remain under the control of the abuse/abuser. I don't think Forward really understands what forgiveness is - it has nothing to do with letting the abuser off the hook, or saying what they did was ok. To a lesser extent, I also disagree with Forward's assertion that confrontation is necessary in all cases. I think in some cases, just admitting to oneself what happened and acknowledging that you are not to blame is not only enough, it is the smartest, most productive course of action. I realize that the majority of my criticisms of the book are based on my particular theoretical orientation as someone who works with children/families. Normally, I wouldn't necessarily take marks off in a rating based on that. The reason I've done so is because I think this book is marked toward people who are coming to grips with childhood abuse, and, depending upon where a person is in their process, I believe that Forward's approach could actually do damage. This is a book that, if it is to be read at all, should be read by therapists, counsellors, family support workers, child and youth care workers, and social workers should read, take what they consider to be of value, and use that information to help adults.
Rating:
Summary: a good read for many
Review: Finally, someone who understands that there are other types of abuse besides physical and sexual -- and that they are just as damaging! The first part of the book explores ways that parents can abuse their children. I found it helpful, because hearing examples and reading stories gives the reader a clear understanding of the difference between occasional parental mistakes and flat-out abuse/neglect. It also prevents the reader from descending into denial. One word of warning however: while not graphic, many of the stories are detailed enough to trigger. If this is an issue, I *strongly* recommend checking with a therapist before reading the book. The second part of the book talks about practical ways to reverse one's emotional enmeshment with toxic parents. Dr. Forward recommends formal therapy in all cases, and states unequivocally that it is absolutely essential in certain situations. Readers should pay attention to this advice! Many of the solutions are not going to be pleasant. The most refreshing solution included the blunt statement that forgiveness is not necessary. This is not to say that one should not let go of the past. Dr. Forward is saying that the traditional idea of "forgiveness" involves treating the situation as if it were minor and easily corrected. This devalidates the trauma. A story included in this section points out that this is not contrary to the Christian ideal of forgiveness -- God wants the abused to get better, too. Dr. Forward also leads the reader through a series of exercises that helps the reader internalize the idea that while the abuse was not their fault, their response is completely a matter of their own control. The exercises are practical and useful. My only complaint about this book is that there is no information, and only one brief mention, concerning situations of no contact between parents and abused children (when the parent relationship is still an issue, as it is in some). The book would be improved if that were included. This book would be extraordinarily helpful at some point for everyone going through therapy to deal with childhood traumas. It might not be right early in the therapy program, but there will come a time when it is.
Rating:
Summary: Empowering!
Review: If you are a child of a toxic parent you will find Susan Forward's book both validating and empowering. Forward says that healing is most effective when you proceed down the double track of changing self-defeating behaviors and disconnecting from traumas from the past.
The goal of the book is to reverse the balance of power in your relationship with your toxic parents.
Forward says all parents are deficient at times but Toxic Parents have consistently harmful effects. Focusing on their own problems Toxic Parents expect kids to take care of them, turning their children into mini-adults. Unable to control their own deep-seated rage, they blame their children. They control their children via guilt and manipulation. They are extraordinarily insensitive to both the pain they inflict and the lasting damage they do. They overtly or subtly abuse their children with constant put-downs and rob them of self-confidence. They may abuse alcohol or drugs and are mired in denial.
Forward says Toxic Parents cope with problems such as communication by pretending "nothing is wrong" (denial), blaming the child (projection), enlisting and ally (triangling), making the family a private club (keeping secrets), or rescuing or care-taking (sabotage).
Forward gives specific techniques and behavioral strategies to change your self-defeating beliefs, feelings and behaviors that keep you enmeshed with your family and prevent you from being independent. She shows how to stop feeling responsible for your parent's toxic behavior and how to respond to their negativity. She recommends that forgiveness come at the conclusion-not at the beginning of your emotional housecleaning.
Forward says the most healing act is the confrontation of your toxic parents via constructive criticism in person, in a letter or symbolically and shows how.
Forward says the healing comes not from your parents reactions (which is usually negative) but because it works. It works as you are facing your deepest fears, which is enough to begin to change the balance of power between you and your parents. She says what you don't hand back you pass on. If you don't deal with your fear, your guilt, and your anger at your parents, you're going to take it out on your partner or your children. The alternative to confrontation is to live with these fears, to reinforce your feelings of helplessness and inadequacy and undermine your self-respect.
Forward says, "There's no such thing as a bad confrontation...no matter what happens during or after any confrontation, you come out a winner because you had the courage to do it...the fear that kept you trapped in your old role with them can no longer control you."
Rating:
Summary: Very Insightful!
Review: I read this book a while back and it really does have some useful techniques to cut those unhealthy apron strings. A must read for anyone who has a relationship with anyone. The descriptions and processes for learning to say no and distance yourself from an unhealthy relationship works with friends as well as family. A very powerful book!
Rating:
Summary: Lived the imperfect life
Review: Leanna Jackson, going to be a survivor,
This is an excellent book and speaks as though it is talking about my own past. It has helped me to understand and learn to deal with the wrongs that i endured, and to learn how to make it right within myself. Also recommending: Nightmares Echo-because I was a child of sexual/child abuse and it spoke to me plainly. Lost Boy-Because I understood what he went through
Rating:
Summary: How a book can change your life
Review: I am a professional who never realized that the family chaos I endured was not an isolated incident. I thought I was alone, and the only one who suffered at the hands of my parents. After all, there were no physical scars to show for it. This book changed my life, and saved it. It changed my husband, and has influenced my siblings and helped me prevent sending the same damaging messages to my children. I am a true skeptic that any armchair psychologist could know anything about someone they have never seen or examined. This book was like reading about myself! Frightening, but eventually very emancipating. This has never happened to me. If you feel you suffered as a child, read this book!
Rating:
Summary: straight talk that can change your life
Review: I personally found this book to be life changing. It was first mentioned to me by a therapist four years ago and I found it to be one of the few books out there that is informative without being "cheesy". If you are looking for a book that is straight talk about different types of abuse--the author even paraphrases from clients which I found helped with personal identification--this is one worth your money. You will be amazed by how many times you will find yourself thinking "that is so true!" and the author does a tremendous job of weaving the reader through the healing process in a very subtle way (you won't find loads of psychological analysis talk here!).
Rating:
Summary: Toxic Parents became a reality
Review: It's hard to see the words on the page that describe your life. When I was reading the book, I'd tell my sister how I hated my parents because I saw them in the book. I've learned how to apply my new found freedom and still have a polite relationship with them. My sister used to tell me to put down the book, not to hate my parents. She then went through stuff with my parents and I gave her the book, her words to me were: "now I understand why you said you hated them", so do I. We really don't, we feel sorry for them and for us (when we were little girls). I accept the fact that I cannot change my parents, but I am a very good wife and mother and alot had to do with reading and applying the principal of the book. It is not brain-washing, it is facts. I didn't have everything happen to me that was written, my parents were not alcoholics or incest abusers, they were just very dysfunctional and still are even in their late 60's, early 70's. I keep them within the boundaries I've set up. I can never make them see or admit anything that they've done, but I can live with it, because it was them and not me or my sister. It is definately worth reading over and over. Use it like a bible or reference book.
|
