Rating: 
Summary: Sanity Saver Supreme
Review: Learning of my husband of 35 year's infidelity to me was the greatest shock of my life, bar none. He had an illustrious 32 year military career as a chaplain and was never unfaithful to me even though there was a great deal of traveling and being in tempting situations. I have always loved him with all my heart and absolutely trusted him completely. Even he is at a loss to explain how this situation came about; we both think he temporarily lost his mind in the chemical bath of lust and deceit. His affair lasted two months and was with a co-worker who is four years older than our son. I never saw this coming at all, I thought he was stressed out or perhaps in a depression.
We are both going to seperate therapists and hope to eventually go to marriage couseling together. In the meantime, this book has been an absolute sanity saver for me. I have recommended it to my counselor! There have been moments when it was almost unbearable to read the reality being spelled out on its pages. I would put it down, have a good cry, walk around the block and then pick it up again to start over. The searing pain to my psyche and soul have been immeasurable, but learning that what I am experiencing is normal and that I am not unique in this gut-wrenching hell of an experience has been a balm to my soul. BUY THIS BOOK! It will assist a great deal in helping you to understand what is happening to you and what you can do about it.
My husband couldn't understand why I have been so overcome with fear and terror. Practically the first pages of the book, under "Discovery", lay out every feeling I was experiencing and emphasized fear three times in the list of emotions experienced. He had an "aha" experience when he read that.
By the way, although I am do believe I am blameless in my husband's choices, it has been helpful and useful to begin examing the dynamics of our marriage. I am going on faith alone that we will come out of this with a better marriage, which seems unbelievable at this point, however my therapist assures me that she has seen MANY couples reach that point, although it is down a very long, long road and after lots of hard work. The book helps you know where to start and how to navigate. I am so grateful it is available!! Also, this has been the one book my husband has been willing to read, even if only in paragraphs and sections. It has led to some helpful discussions between us.
Lastly, peace to all who come this way--it is needed.
Rating: 
Summary: Odd mix of good info, illogic, and ignorance
Review: This book has some nice bits and pieces, mostly when it reports what patients have said. The interpretive framework, and much of the attendant advice, is shockingly illogical and worse.Dr. Spring says, "I don't make blanket judgments about whether affairs are, in themselves, good or bad. What may be enhancing for one of you may devastate the other, and destroy the relationship." That's emblematic of the reasoning in this book: By definition, seeking one's own welfare at the expense of another, violating contracts and promises out of self-seeking, is wrong. That's not even a close call: It is THE bright-line, paradigm, primary-level case of wrong behavior, and has been for a few thousand years of ethical reflection and teaching. Dr. Spring somehow infers from the DEFINITION of immoral behavior a reason NOT to judge? That says a lot about the knowledge of ethics and moral psychology contained in this book. And the dogma that the betrayed of necessity contributes to the affair? Let's face facts: No one can make you drop your pants, or make you decide that betraying your partner is an acceptable way to feel good, except yourself. Your partner can make you miserable, and you have lots of legitimate, honorable ways of confronting that. Your lack of honor, willingness to violate trusts and promises, egoism, willingness to lie--your partner cannot cause these. Another fact: It simply is not necessarily the case that a person who has been betrayed caused the betraying partner any significant amount of pain. The betraying partner's pain, if any is involved, may come from other sources. Furthermore, the betraying partner may have been emotionally unwilling or unable to accept help from the spouse, whether from pride or some other personal limitation. It is also not the case that the betraying partner has necessarily been the one on whom marital stress has been greatest. The betrayed partner has often suffered more at the hands of the wayward spouse, yet had the strength and honor to keep his or her pants on. Despite Dr. Spring's presenting it as fact, the dogma that "Both partners contributed" is not the result of research. It is not even a testable idea. It is like the notion, "Everything that happens is God's will." If you want to believe it, you can always find a way to believe it--it simply is not falsifiable. But it simply isn't something that research has shown. I find myself flummoxed at Dr. Spring's "normalizing" feelings by saying that since they are natural consequences of the situation you are in, they are normal, not crazy. Now, think about an analogy: The natural consequences of being hit in the head with a baseball bat include concussion, brain damage, even death. Does that make these things "normal"? Only in the statistical sense-not in the sense that they are in any way healthy. Craziness, illness, disorder, injury-call it what you will--always has causes. It is always the "normal" result of certain events. That does not make it perfectly "normal" in anything like the sense of "nothing to worry about" or "healthy." Betrayal does real damage--it causes serious injury. As a matter of fact, not arm-chair pronouncement, in many cases individuals never recover from the causally-inevitable damage that betrayal entails, damage that is often beyond the power of any victim or therapist to fix. If Dr. Spring admitted that, though, she might have to admit that infidelity is just flat wrong. The notions about mental disorders in here are at best debatable. I should know--I wrote a book widely used as a graduate-level textbook on psychotherapy. For instance, in spite of over seven decades of serious research, no one has been able to find correlations between early childhood and adult behavior. Most serious researchers have just given up the idea. I guess when people are devastated, anything that seems to make some sense of their confusion, give them a new and intelligible orientation, and provide a promise (whether well- or ill-founded) of control over the outcome--well, anything like that seems helpful. That's the only way I can understand so many people saying this book helped them. But I find it very disturbing that so many people consider this illogical, ethically-uninformed book admirable. While real research (as opposed to therapists' assurances) on recovering from infidelity is not as good as we'd like, one of the better studies shows that about one marriage in seven actually recovers from infidelity. Nearly half of those "successful recoveries" come in cases of "one night stands," not on-going affairs. But about two in three marriages "survives" infidelity. About three out of four "surviving" marriages are seriously crippled.
Chances are, then, that your marriage will "survive" infidelity, but the odds of surviving infidelity in good shape are extremely small--about one in seven--and in the case of protracted affairs that shrinks to about one in twelve. (Charny and Parnass, J Sex Marital Ther 1995 Summer;21(2):100-15) These figures are for couples who have been in marriage counseling to deal with the infidelity. Before you sign up for marriage counseling to "save" your marriage, you might want to be aware of these data.
Rating:
Summary: Why your partner had an affair and how to rebuild trust
Review: The nightmare happens: your spouse cheats on you. Maybe it's an affair, maybe it's a close relationship with your best friend or maybe it's a relationship that developed in a computer chat room. The upshot is that you feel devastated and you no longer trust your partner. Does this necessarily spell the end of your relationship? It depends. There is no 'duty' to remain together.
Dr. Spring provides a method to assess the damage, to communicate openly with your partner about the breach of trust and to make a well thought-out decision that will result in preserving your own dignity. In her own words, 'If you're sticking around only out of guilt, fear, or a sense of duty, you may want to rethink your decision, or prepare yourself for a life of self-imposed incarceration: you the prisoner, and you the keeper of the keys.' 'Affairs are not so much about sex, but about secrets and violation of trust' she says and she continues 'trust is not a gift. It must be earned'. What are some high cost and low cost means of rebuilding the trust? Should you recommit or leave? She covers these questions in depth.
In a workshop I attended, the author showed us a cartoon of a woman looking out a window and pleading to her husband 'Wait ' come back! I was just kidding about wanting to be happy.' Dr. Spring's goal is to help you preserve your happiness. This is an excellent book for both the 'hurt' party and for the 'unfaithful' party.
Rating:
Summary: Good, practical advice.
Review: A grounding book to read while in the hurricane of emotions that is the discovery of infidelity.
Rating: 
Summary: this book is to help the deceiver, not the deceived
Review: Just the fact that this book fails to classify an affair as a 'bad' thing says enough about this book. Based on this fact alone, leads me to believe that the author doesn't place enough responsibilty on the person who had the affair. I suggest taking this book back, getting a refund and seeking real counseling or a better book.
Rating:
Summary: This book will help us save our marriage
Review: About 2 1/2 months ago I found out the news that everyone dreads. My husband (who is in the Navy) had a one night stand on his last overseas trip. To make matters worst, he had to inform me of this while he was already on his next trip. Being on a ship, the only way to communicate was through e-mail so that is how I found out. And he had to tell me because I needed to get checked by a Doctor. In addition, I was breast feeding our infant son and had to immediately stop because if I was HIV positive, it is possible to pass this on to the baby. I was a wreck. I had no idea how I was ever going to be able to forgive him and get past this. We made plans for me to meet his ship in one of the ports to discuss this in person and see if we could work this out. A few weeks after the news, I found this book. It gave me so much focus and helped prepare me for meeting him. It helped me understand how I was feeling and how he was probably feeling. More importantly, it helped me understand how I need to communicate my anger, distrust, and sadness in a productive way. If it wasn't for this book, I would have met him and just yelled and cried for the 4 days we were together. Nothing would have gotten done and that might have been it for us. Instead I was able to really explain and show him how much he had hurt me and what he needed to do for our marriage to work. We both came away from those 4 days really believing that we can work this out. When he returns next month we will start counseling and that's when the real work will begin. However, he has also promised to read this book when he returns. I believe that this book will help us get a "jump start" on our counseling sessions. One side note about the audio tapes. I bought those too but would not recommend them to others. The author narrates and her voice has no emotion in it.
Rating:
Summary: Excellent source
Review: My wife keeps asking why we can't get past her affair. It's over, she says. She fine, almost happy, and I'm flip-flopping. Sometimes fine, other times angry, sad, even vengeful. I started thinking I must just be an emotionally weak person. Why can't I move on? How can she understand, when I can't. Then I picked up this book and there it was. I am human afterall. My reaction is totally normal, but what bewildered me is so is hers. Just look at who wrote 95 percent of the reviews. The hurt partner. When will I get over this anger, I don't know but at least now I know why it's there and now so does my wife. I will tell you right now that if it weren't for the children, she'd be out the door, by her choice or mine. Just like it says in this book. I know my wife has no regrets for her actions, but plenty of regrets to the reactions of being found out. Just like it says in the book. I now understand that she thought he was her soulmate, but now understands she was just his playmate. Just like it says in the book. I agree with the one written review when he says the author places too much blame on the hurt partner, but if you want to work it out I guess you have to give the unfaithful partner some solace, too. I hate that this has happened to my 17 year marriage, but I'm grateful I came across this book. I am not weak! I am human. I totally believe this book will help put you on the road to making you and your marriage whole again.
Rating:
Summary: A Book of Hope for Those Who Have None
Review: Four weeks ago, I was told that my husband had an affair. We have been married 25 years, have two children and have survived financial crisis, emotional upheaval, death of parents, and all the other usual crises that come with a long-term relationship. For all of this adversity, I never believed my husband was capable of having an affair with another woman. The affair lasted six years and was an on and off again relationship. Perhaps had it been more intense, it would have ended sooner. He says he spent the last two years of the relationship trying to separate himself from her. But he didn't want to hurt her, and didn't think I would ever find out. He never told me. The husband of his lover did. It was a chance encounter that brought it up. He thought I knew. Now it has been six years since they have been together, but for me it has just begun. I never saw the signs, at least if I did, I denied they were there. I just thought they were friends. After I found out and confronted him, he confirmed what I heard. He's sorry and has been working for the past six years to repair the damage he caused. I knew things were better in our relationship, but didn't know why. For the past four weeks I have felt like a zombie. I'm not eating or sleeping, am easily distracted and felt like my world is falling apart. Our children don't know, but it's hard, because I don't want to tell anyone. I feel like I am drowning in grief, engulfed in a sadness and emptiness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The self-hatred and loathing I felt for myself and still feel at times is without limit. This book has given me knowledge that I am not alone, that others have experienced this and worse, and that I will survive. I keep it with me and when the feelings of pain and self-hatred emerge, begin to read. I've seen what hell looks like, and can't go there anymore. This book is truly helping me regain my sense of self and giving me a path which is guiding me out of this. My husband has not seen his lover in six years intimately. She has emailed him and called him at the office begging him to leave me and begin a new life with her. Prior to my finding out, he made the decision to leave the relationship and work to repair the damage he caused to ours. He went to a counselor who told him not to tell me. The book is helping him understand why he did what he did and is giving him the means to work on communicating this to me. He also understands how devestating it was for me to hear about it from his lover's husband. I read the first chapter and wrote notes in it to him about how I felt. He read the second chapter and wrote notes letting me know what was true for him and what was not an issue. We are both using the rest of it to discuss what happened, what we need and to learn how to have a better relationship in the future. Words can't express how helpful this book has been for both of us. We are both shocked about what happened, but with time, patience, and love I believe we will emerge from this stronger than ever. Yes, I'm, angry, hurt and feel violated. But if you both truly want to save your marriage and are willing to commit to learning what happened and how to address the issues that contributed to this tragic situation, I highly recommend this book...
Rating:
Summary: How one book changed my life
Review: This book ia the best way to get you on track with your life and start healing from the inside. She cheated on me and it hurt and I was ready to go but before you go just read the book you may be leaving to soon on a impulse. I know it sounds crazy, but you owe it yourself to read the book before you book. You have nothing to loose at this point and all to gain. Trust me you won't be sorry.
Rating: 
Summary: Child born from my husbands affair
Review: Why can't I find any information on a child born from an affair. My husband confessed of a 7 year affair with a married woman. She got pregnant and confessed to her husband. My husband had a paternity test. Boy was that a wild ride for a few months. I was instantly "willing to forgive" both of them. I believe that my husband and I co-created this affair in an unconsciously.
|
