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Summary: This was the first book we read together. It helped.
Review: What I never thought would happen, happened. I discovered my spouse was having an affair. It ended immediately. For my spouse, deep regret, shame, remorse, and humiliation set in. For me, anger, grief, disbelief, and an 'avalanche of losses', including the sweet memories of our marriage ceremony......gone. We went through what I call 'post-affair hell' for some time. Five months into recovery and working with a wonderful marriage therapist, I came upon this book. We began reading it ever so slowly, one chapter at a time on weekend mornings. (We even bought a huge cushy chair-and-a-half with lots of pillows to sit and read together, cuddle, talk, connect, recover and heal in.) This book made so much sense to us. It shed light on the truth of what happened and why. The affair was put in it's place......a big fat mistake. It became increasingly clear to my spouse what non-substance that illicit 'love' was based on. When you don't even know each other, it's basically a lot of hormones and self-suggestion. "After the Affair" helped bring back into focus what true lasting love is, the gift of a lifetime, and the importance of work and commitment in order to maintain it. We are still recovering, but are so glad to have survived this crisis and kept our family together.
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Summary: Good to read immediately after discovery
Review: If you have recently discovered your spouse's affair, or if you suspect your spouse is having an affair, this is a good book to read. It does not attack either party's position, but explains the emotions both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse are going through. When I discovered my husband's affair, I did not know anyone who had gone through this and survived, so I felt very alone. After reading the book, I was relieved to find that my thoughts and feelings were very normal. Unfortunately, so was his behavior! That was the hardest part to take, but it was very necessary for me to understand his side as well. What I did not like about this book was that it left things open-ended for me. It didn't really seem to get past the "Do I stay or do I go?" stage. Obviously, if I left it would mean starting over. There was a brief section about rebuilding trust, but it really didn't give me enough information about moving on WITH my husband. This book is really for "beginners" in life after an affair. I would follow it up with "Surviving an Affair" by Drs. Harley and Chalmers. If you are already past the discovery stage, I would skip "After the Affair" altogether. I don't think you would find anything you don't already know.
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Summary: Psychologically horrifying
Review: Instead of being "relieved" at being told the consequences of suffering a partner's infidelity are "normal," you should be outraged at being misled. What Dr. Spring describes as "normal" is traumatic stress. And as a matter of hard, cold fact, a substantial proportion of victims of infidelity continue to suffer PTSD symptoms--emotional numbness, autonomic hyperarousal, nightmares and other sleep disturbances, consequent disruption of social functioning, and more -- for years. Unfortunately, the ignorance of so many marriage counselors about mental disorders, what with their myths of "systems" issues (which have no scientific basis), leads them to deal fairly poorly with PTSD. Telling you that your post-traumatic symptoms are "normal" strikes me as the crassest sort of pandering. I am also just outraged at asking a patient to take responsibility for his or her "part" in suffering trauma, and even apologizing to the perpetrator for that. Do we ask other sufferers of PTSD--rape victims, serious car crash survivors, child abuse survivors, soldiers, victims of violent crime--to take responsibility for their part in being the victims of trauma? Can you imagine someone saying, "My therapist helped me realize that I was not an innocent victim--I played a part in getting raped. I have learned that if I dress differently and don't go certain places, I will be less likely to bring this down on myself again. I realized I must apologize to my rapist for tempting him." Of course not. Why, then, do so many people applaud the precise analogy in this book? I can imagine that, like the Stockholm Syndrome, this technique of believing in an illusory contribution has some value as a coping mechanism, but I cannot imagine it serving long-term mental health. This book is mythmaking of the most pernicious sort. I am, BTW, a well-regarded scholar--not pop icon--on the history and ethics of mental health care, an experienced psychotherapist, and an expert on health care policy who consults with and writes for some of the most important figures in the field. I know whereof I speak.
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Summary: Must have for couples struggling to rebuild after an affair
Review: Finally! Something that has given me hope that there is a marital future after an infidelity. This book is a must have for any couples that have been shattered by the revelation of an affair. Even after months of couples therapy I was unable to validate the extreme sense of loss and inadequacy that I felt, let alone find the courage to begin the process of forgiveness. I can't even express the profound sense of peace I found from each part of this book, especially the first chapter in which everything I was feeling and yet unable to say to my husband was put into words for me. Through this book I have been able to find the positive aspect of being given a second chance in my marriage. My husband and I have been able to prioritize and communicate in order to build a more stable relationship. The simple excersises are thought provoking and worth while. In closing, I have already recommended this book to several of the people I know that have been devastated by like experiences. I relate to them the story of the first night I began reading this book and fell asleep with it in my arms crying. Not out of sadness, but a sense of release from my confusion. You won't want to put it down!
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Summary: My life and sanity saver after H's Affair
Review: I can not tell you how very much this ONE book did for me. After reading it over and over again I found that I was not crazy or losing it. That is was all NORMAL reactions to having your life riped apart by an affair. I found that this helped me understand both MY feeling and reactions and MY H's actions towards me and the Other woman. IT upset my H so much that HE THREW MY BOOK AWAY. WELL i just bought another one and I will continue to read until my healingis complete. I am re-building my marriage but when the pain and anger return I pick this book up and read read read. Thank YOU so much for my life back....
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Summary: How to Heal and Restore Your Relationship After Infidelity
Review: This is one FANTASTIC book to help each partner in the relationship take full responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown that led to infidelity, and shows exactly what you can do to restore trust, intimacy, and a renewed sense of wholeness as well as a renewed commitment to continue with the one you love. This wonderful book clearly shows how EACH partner reacts, and how those reactions feel, and it is a vital resource for both partners to read in order to heal, and move forward together in a healthy, positive manner. It is also important to remember that trust is built again over time, and through many small experiences. You will learn how to stop negative reactions, and how to communicate with authenticity from the heart, rather than blame. This book is a MUST READ for anyone who is with someone that has been through the guilt, pain, and trauma of an affair, and how re-build again. Highly Recommended! Barbara Rose, author of, 'Individual Power' and 'If God Was Like Man'
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Summary: Help Yourself - Read this Book!
Review: This should be the first book you read after you find out about the affair. You will find out that what you feel is normal, you're not going crazy, you're not the only one, and there's hope for you. The author does this in a straightforward, balanced way, with no mention of religion or spirituality (important for more secular readers). This book is divided into 3 parts. 1 - Reacting to the Affair(Is What I'm Feeling Normal?), 2- Reviewing Your Options (Should I Stay or Leave?), and 3-Recovering from the Affair(How do We Rebuild our Life Together?) The books shows the point of view of BOTH spouses. This is a great way to gain insight into your partner's feelings and actions. It's especially valuable if BOTH of you have had an affair. If you decide to try to rebuild, "Not 'Just Friends'" is a great book about creating solidarity in a marriage, and "Fighting for your Marriage" has specific, concrete steps to take with plenty of examples. Great book on communication.
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Summary: Three Years Later
Review: If you suspect your spouse is having an affair, or if you know for sure an affair is occuring--YOU NEED THIS BOOK!!! If your suffering and think your losing your mind; or, if your on a road traveling from one extreme emotion to another---YOU NEED THIS BOOK When your suffering on such a magnificent scale, you need serious help. This book will provide you with that help. It will give you all the background knowledge you need--for both partners. She gives advice and information to the cheating spouse AND the faithful spouse. With her help, I was able to see that it wasn't ALL my fault, nor was it ALL his fault. She explains what the typical reactions of both parties are, and how to respond to those reactions. I found myself running back to read, and reread, sections that were pertinent to my situation, over and over again. My husband would say, or do something so typical of people involved in affairs, and I'd have already read about it. I can't even explain to you how much that helped me. I guess knowing what to expect kept ME from responding in unhealthy ways, at least most of the time. I won't say that it was easy to read some of the things she said, especially the section about revealing an affair to your partner, but it was enlightening and non-biased, nonetheless. Today, three years later, we are still married. Our marriage is a LONG way from being healed, but it is also a long way from the unhealthy realationship that it was. Whenever I think back on those painful, raw nerve, early days of our recovery, I am forever grateful to Dr. Abrahms for writing this book.
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Summary: Psychologically horrifying
Review: What Dr. Spring describes as "normal" is traumatic stress. And as a matter of hard, cold fact, a substantial proportion of victims of infidelity continue to suffer PTSD symptoms--emotional numbness, autonomic hyperarousal, nightmares and other sleep disturbances, consequent disruption of social functioning, and more -- for years. This is "normal" only in the sense that it is normal to suffer damage from trauma. Telling you that your post-traumatic symptoms are "normal" strikes me as the crassest sort of pandering. I am, BTW, a well-regarded scholar--not pop icon--on the history and ethics of mental health care, an experienced psychotherapist, and an expert on health care policy who consults with and writes for some of the most important figures in the field. I know whereof I speak.
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Summary: Mental saviour for the wounded
Review: Our therapist recommended this book. It has been a life saver. The feelings I was experiencing were put into words so perfectly. It gave me hope and made me feel like I wasn't quite so crazy after the worst experience of my life.
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