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Summary: ENJOYABLE - Practical and Helpful
Review: I liked it. Good book. Some good principles. Good down to earth advice for marriage. And relationships in general too.Another book I just read which had some great ideas that really helped my marriage is called: WORKING ON YOURSELF DOESN'T WORK by Ariel & Shya Kane. It has some great ideas that helped me to be a much better listener and communicate much better with my wife. I really liked their idea about how BEING RIGHT gets in the way of our happiness in our relationships. It is a simple yet profound book I would recommend to anyone!
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Summary: COUPLES FIND INTERDEPENDENCE FROM GOTTMAN
Review: Saturday, 10 July 1999 Dr. John M. Gottman, I believe, has written one of the finest current books on marital--and even socialization--therapy, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Crown, 1999.). This has answered some basic questions for me and will help me to be a better registered Dance/Movement Therapist. He derives these seven principles inductively from a variety of assessment tools with actual people, as compared to deductively assuming people should fit some general, sometimes procrustean, principle. Briefly, I see that his principles and processes bring about energy regeneration to replace energy degeneration, among couples. Without this, there is no intimacy; expectations of intimacy then fail. Yet in "happy marriages, . . . couples tend to know each other intimately." (20, 49, 158, 256) He hits the center, strong marriages "don't just 'get along'--they also support each other's hopes and aspirations . . . ." (23) And principle 7 expands this. (Ch. 11) The practical benefits of his applications far exceed his brief debunking of much current marital therapy, and his using principles later that he eschewed earlier in the book ("active listening," 9, 11, 87-88, 180), and slang that is not understandable to all ("get-go," 49; "ballistic," 104; "open manhole," 203; and one misspelling "arranage-ment," 198). Yet he strikes truth echoed by Margaret Mahler and her colleagues Fred Pine and Anni Bergman in The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant (New York: Basic Books, 1976). The passage from dependence into independence and then into interdependence, especially the latter, can often become tortuous, with harrowing fears of abandonment or subjugation, whether it be sensed by two-year olds or adolescents or married couples. Gottman writes that couples' failures at connecting often result from "a disparity between their respective needs for intimacy and independence." (Seven Principles, 92) Earlier lifestyles are a major factor, and these are often dissimilar. Passage through developmental stages of life may raise painful issues. These shape attitudes which are brash and harsh or softened, weak or strong, nurturing repairs or defensive fight/flight, as found in the emotional schema of one's own body's autonomic nervous system. Especially difficult is the couple's experience, one person of which is dragging with "the four horsemen." (15, 27-34, 62) Gottman and his stellar colleagues, and also looking to mentors (Viktor Frankl, Irwin Yalom), have assembled a new model and pattern which build strong nurturing through many couples' exercises, such as, "I like . . . about my spouse." (68, 83, 175, 240) Rereading Seven Principles two or three times brings out the full power of its plan. Readers will be glad they did or wish they could have done so earlier. Review by Chaplain Dr. Charles G. Yopst, D.Min., D.T.R.
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Summary: Practical and free of psychobabble
Review: I'm highly suspicious of self-help books as a genre, but this one really is good. I checked it out of the library initially, but will be purchasing it because it is so sensible, practical, and down-to-earth. There's no magic here; what Gottman points out seems like it should be obvious. Still, the obvious often eludes us, and this book provides some great ways of getting back in focus.
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Summary: Science and Marriage going together like a horse and carriag
Review: After watching marriage-advice books catalyze the destruction of my first marriage, I did not think I would find myself reading any more of these books soon. But I heard an interview with Dr Gottman on National Public Radio and I was so impressed that I ran out, bought the book and read it. The thing that makes the book so good is that it is based on rigorous, scientific research (you know, set up an experiment, collect data, look for patterns in the data without inserting your own preconceptions and report it). Although I found that most of Dr. Gottman's findings were not particularly surprising, I still found the book to be extremely useful because out of the many possible things a person could do to improve their marriage, this book tells you which ones really matter. The book also gave me a good sense of the problems that are encountered in happy marriages. For example, about 60% of the conflicts that happily married couples have are unresolvable (perpetual). This fact alone would have helped my first marriage a lot considering all the good will that we burned up trying to solve problems that were not solvable. Dr Gottman found that happy couples accept that these problems are unresolvable and can learn to live with them without damaging their relationship. As an analogy he points out that people with bad elbows can live very rich and rewarding lives as long as they don't make playing tennis a central part of their lives. In summary this is a great book that people who don't like marriage advice books can enjoy (as well as those who do).
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Summary: This book will change lives.
Review: The exercises in this book are the ones we use in our workshops, now with 1,012 couples. They are all derived from research from real couples throughout the life course. We affect about 86% of our couples significantly. I think the theory this book is based on will be helpful for many couples.
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Summary: A 13 year marriage surviving transsexualism used these ideas
Review: I have been married for 13 years and have been with my spouse for 16 years and our marriage has survived her discovering she was lesbian and me facing that I was transsexual. As a happily married person (yes, we're still married even though I am legally a woman today), an author (Chi Gung: Chinese Healing, Energy, and Natural Magick by L.V. Carnie), and a Two-Spirit Shaman, I have devoted my life since a near-death incident at the age of five to learning to pay attention to others and to help whenever I could. Today, I spend about 20 hours a day healing and sometimes even literally saving the lives of plants, animals, and people in crisis situations and even though that would seem to stress a marriage, we have found that we work as a team by using the principles I now see revealed in this wonderful book such as paying attention to the little details. I highly suggest anybody interested in improving their marriage or preparing for marriage to read this book. Sure, I just read it now, but the very things that I have done to make my marriage successful are the things mentioned in this incredible book.
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Summary: THE IDEAL MARRIAGE IS WITHIN YOUR GRASP, DON'T STALL
Review: This is one of the most useful and interactive books I have read in months. I read it twice: first just turning pages to do the true-false questionnaries to see how "strong" my marriage is and second to really read the book. I was struck by the combination of good insights for the "emotionally intelligent" couples to help make their marriages stronger and the straight-out advice for people who have shaky marriages or who quibble over many things (which for them are not insignificant). This is a must read for everyone who wants the most they can get out of, and put into, their relationship with their spouse as a partner, friend and lover. I suggest you skim this book and read the parts that apply to you. Chapters 8 and 10 are particularly good. Many of the problems described in THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK are described as problems that interfere in all relationships in THE 2,000 PERCENT SOLUTION. That book describes the Tradition, Misconception and Communication Stalls that hinder questioning why the way we do things isn't good enough, understanding and trust. These elements are needed to move forward in whatever we do. Read that book too. Take the challenge to improve your marriage. Answer the questions and do the exercised. You will learn a lot about yourself and your spouse. My husband and I have already started.
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Summary: I love this book
Review: Why do I love this book? I've been offended by the vapid and patronizing material that constitutes most of the marital advice books and articles I've looked at--especially all that silly stuff about mars and venus. I started out looking at this book with more confidence because of Gottman' credentials and all the cool research he's done, but as I read it, I knew I could use this advice at home. Truth is, the book mainly made me feel good about the things that are going well in my relationship. I really like the little "facts" that are dispersed throughout the book, too, little pieces of information that come from research.
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Summary: very readable, very practical and refreshingly insightful
Review: I don't ordinarily find worthwhile "self-help" non-fiction, but my wife swore that this one would be different. It was! Neither pedantic nor condescendingly oversimplified, this was an easy and actually enjoyable read. The questionnaires are a surprisingly effective complement to the clear, non-intimidating discussions of real-world couples' experience. Although the Seven Principles have a common sense familiarity as one moves through the book, I ultimately concluded that it was not because I was reading about things I already knew, but rather that I was learning things that intuitively made sense based on my own experience. That is always the most powerful and useful awareness to carry away from a book like this. Don't tell my wife, but I'm going to recommend this one to others as well. Kudos to Gottman and Silver.
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Summary: Valuable insights into relationships!
Review: It is always a great pleasure to read GottmanÂ's book. Though the title is a bit misleading (it reminds oneself too much of pop psychology and sounds a bit too simplified), the author greatly succeeds in laying out the basic principles for making marriage work.
He is to be considered as THE leading marital psychologist and far outranks other authors, e.g. John Gray, by his meticulously applying research methods to relationships. This is the hallmark of the book: the advice given is rooted in his more than 30 years of clinical research about marriage problems. And: it clearly helps!
The book is fun to read as it combines practical advice with highly interesting exercises which you can either do on your own or with your partner. Real life examples supplement and clarify the basic principles.
One of the very few psychologists who can explain their findings in everyday language! I can also recommend his other books, e.g. the heart of parenting
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