Safe People

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Summary: A practical guide toward relating with Biblical references
Review: "Safe People" deals with the problem of character discernment, or evaluating who is good for us and who isn't. According to the authors, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be." Cloud and Townsend "believe the Bible contains the keys to understanding how to tell safe people from unsafe ones. It also teaches how to become safe people for others. In this age of broken relationships, these scriptural principles are both timeless and timely."

The authors devote Chapters 1 through 4 to examining and discussing who unsafe people are and the identifying traits of unsafe people. Chapters 5 through 8 examine the origin of the problem: why one might choose unsafe people to be in relationship with and how to repair this problem. The rest of the book is devoted to learning more about what safe people are and why we need them. The authors offer practical help on successfully meeting and relating to safe people. Overall, the book is designed to help one look both outside and inside oneself. As the authors cite from Matthew 7:5, "First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Cloud and Townsend raise a valuable point in that people tend to look for people to be in relationship with who are "spiritual," "godly, "ambitious," "fund to be with," and so on, and yet, these are not the issues that cause relationships to break apart. Relationships break apart because one partner doesn't listen to the other; because of perfectionistic tendencies; because of emotional distance; because of controlling tendencies; for promises that are made but not followed through; from condemnation, judgment, and anger; and most of all, because of a lack of or breakdown in trust. "We tend to look on the outside and not the inside of a person," the authors state. "We look at worldly success, charm, looks, humor, status and education, accomplishments, talents and giftedness, or religious activity." None of these qualities are character issues, which are precisely at the heart of both successful and failed relationships.

But the authors do not merely point the finger at unsafe people outside of ourselves. To begin with, a critical question they ask their readers is to reflect on what each one has learned about him- or herself from failed relationships. Furthermore, they tackle the issue of how our own actions reflect our relationship with God and how God lives through us. "The church often emphasizes our relationship with God and de-emphasizes our relationships with other people," they write. "We need to be around others who help us to grow and become the people who God made us to be ... We often learn about the divine from the fleshly. As John writes, 'If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen' (1 John 4:20)."

Recognizing that the typical response to being in relationships that have hurt is to retreat into isolation, withdraw, and shut down emotionally, Cloud and Townsend respond by citing the Bible to indicate that God created us to be in relationship with one another. "Finding safe people is not just a luxury," they write. "It's a necessary part of growing spiritually mature ... Everyone is created to be relational."

One way the authors counter the cultural norm toward self-sufficiency is by comparing spiritual hunger with physical hunger. "God created within us a hunger, a longing to be known and loved. This hunger functions exactly like physical hunger. It's a signal. It causes discomfort, a warning saying, 'Get up and get connected. Your tank's empty.' Hunger keeps us aware of our needs ... Make friends with your needs. Welcome them. They are a gift from God, designed to draw you into relationship with him and with his safe people. Your needs are the cure to the sin of self-sufficiency," which pushes us only further into isolation.

"The best example of a safe person is found in Jesus," they write. "In him were found the three qualities of a safe person: dwelling, grace, and truth." Safe people are also a very forgiving people, according to Cloud and Townsend. "They expect failure and disappointment from those they love ... Learn to receive forgiveness [and] learn to give forgiveness," they suggest.

Finally, the authors deal with whether to repair or replace a hurting relationship. "The chief theme of the entire Bible is reconciliation of unsafe relationships." While by no means suggesting that people remain in unsafe, dysfunctional, or abusive relationships, the authors differentiate between forgiveness in a relating sense and clearly drawing one's boundaries.

"The good news is that you can be saved from a life of relational hell with unsafe people. The bad news is that you must take up your cross and do the hard work of dealing with your own character problems. We have found in our lives and in the lives of others that this process works. If you will do the hard work of distinguishing safe and unsafe people, abiding deeply with the safe ones and dealing redemptively with the unsafe ones, you will develop an abundant life, full of satisfying relationships and meaningful service to God."

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Summary: Another Good One In The Series...
Review: Another great book from the duo. The authors give an excellent description of "unsafe" people. I also think that the authors hit home with some really hard truths about personal responsibility. I believe that this book, read in combination with the book, Boundaries, (also by the same authors)could produce some life-changing behaviors....especially since the books are Biblically based.

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Summary: Good but not great
Review: I bought safe people with the hope that it would help me understand what to do with difficult people when they seem to latch on and leech the lifeblood out of you.

Cloud & Townsend (graduates from my school) present a good psychological evaluation of unsafe people, but give no answers to the person searching out how to deal with those people. I know who's unsafe...but now what?

As far as personal growth, this book is good. It gives Biblical advice on how to take the plank out of your own eye before you go poking around someone else's eye, looking for the speck.

In short, Good - but no great.

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Summary: Excellent Book on Relationships
Review: I work as a lay counselor at our church. This book is wonderfully written and will be a tremendous resource for our library. I am so grateful to Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend for the taking the time to write such helpful information. Their book Boundries has already become very popular and I am sure this one will as well. Practical, real and honest, they deal with matters of the heart that often trip so many of us up. It's scriptural, loving and holds up a mirror so we can see ourselves. A very useful thing indeed!

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Summary: Excellent !
Review: If you have never known who "safe" people are- people who you trust in the beginning and end up hurting you-- this book is for you! This book explains in plain english the characteristics of a "safe" person or one who is capable of being in a healthy relationship. It allows you to take a good look at yourself and see if you are a safe person and how to become one. This book has helped me "see the light." I would recommend it to ANYONE.

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Summary: Disappointing
Review: In examining ourselves (chapter four, "How We Lost Our Safety"), there are 4 areas where the reader may fail as a safe person. But in examining other people ("the bad guys") in chapters one to three, there are 23 areas where "they" may fail as safe people. At first I felt kind of good reading this book: "they" were not safe at all and "I" (one of the good guys, like the authors) was just an average sinner who needed some tweaking.

But after reading the book a second time and putting myself in the "them" shoes, I could see many ways I had not been a safe person either. This approach was more productive to me, since I cannot change others -- I can only change myself.

I am left clueless as to how to get rid of unsafe people. This book is full of anecdotes about unsafe people the authors knew (e.g., Bernard, Harry, Barry) but they don't tell us how they got rid of these people. Please, tell me how to get rid of unsafe people.

I am also uncertain as to which people I should keep and which I should "dump" (if indeed God wants us to to dump our friends.) The final "repair or replace" chapter seems to be dedicated to marriages only, and gives biblical references for repairing or replacing a marriage. The final chapter, however, does not deal with whether to repair or replace unsafe friends and acquaintances.

And then there are the unsafe people about whom we have no choice: family and coworkers. Sigh.

Maybe I expected too much from this book. After reading the authors' excellent book on "Boundaries in Marriage" I must say I am disappointed.

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Summary: Synopsis:
Review: Never has a judicial event been so widely publicized as the O.J. Simpson trial. One of the most disturbing aspects of the case has been the "trial within a trial" -where the credibility of almost every witness (and some of the lawyers!) has been questioned. These inconsistencies have shaken more than a few viewers' concept of truth and justice. The L.A. courtroom is a concentrated version of something we each face on a daily basis: discerning the sheep from the goats. Psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend refer to them as the "safe" and "unsafe" people. In their new book, Safe People: How to find relationships that are good for you and avoid those that aren't, they outline a method for developing positive relationships and avoiding the pain that comes from negative ones. Safe people are defined as "individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be." As a result, we become: * More loving * More honest * More forgiving * More mutual Whether we are choosing friends, entering the workplace, investing money, or selecting a life mate, we affect and are affected by the people we encounter. Safe People is a book of hope for those who seem repeatedly drawn to relationships that abandon, neglect, damage, and tear down. The manuscript describes 16 traits of a safe person and uses scriptural principles to teach character-perceiving skills. An important chapter, entitled "Should I Repair or Replace," shares 6 steps to follow before considering separation from an unsafe relationship. The Safe People Workbook, available separately, will help the reader to evaluate whether he has the characteristics of a safe person, and his ability to wisely discern others

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Summary: Who can you trust these days?
Review: That's what this book is all about. The book describes character traits and personalities to run from and to open up to. As I read through it though, I kept seeing myself. It was getting a little depressing to have my unhealthy character traits revealed. The good news is it doesn't just point fingers, it pointed me down a path of recovery and I'm now focusing on developing my integrity and good character.

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Summary: valuable insights, but presented arrogantly
Review: The authors present their observations about behaviors of people, which seem to be pretty insightful. However, they tend to classify people in to groups to be looked down upon, people that have the behaviors that they spell out in their book. For Christian authors they seem to think that they're above a lot of people, instead of in the same boat as the rest of us. They could use a little humility.

They call certain people's behavior that they've personally counseled "crazy!" and say that they "feel sorry for" people they know personally that are not as socially adjusted as they perceive themselves to be. If you can get past the egos, the book does have some valuable information, mixed in with a lot of common sense.

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Summary: Safe People
Review: The book is outstanding! It explains step by step how to recognize unsafe tendencies in others and in ourselves. I have learned so much so that I was able to pick a new job,better church atmosphere,and new friends. I went from a level 2 on the happiness scale to a level 9 in about 6-7 mos. I thank God for practical, dedicated authors like Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend.