Widower's House: A Study in Bereavement, or How Margot and Mella Forced Me to Flee My Home

Rating:
Summary: How Many Books About the Late Iris Can He Write?
Review: I'm sorry--I'm sure it's uplifting, for some, cathartic--but out of respect for one of my favorite novelists, who was a very PRIVATE person, I wish Bayley would keep his precious journaling to himself. Perhaps I, too, have kept diaries during and after the deaths of dear family members. Some of them quite well-known in their "fields." I have kept these to myself.

There seems to be a great need in Bayley to see himself as a special sort of caregiver, and to relegate Iris Murdoch to a sort of eccentric baby. You like reading this, you respect him for publishing it and getting money for it, you find it touching? Well, find five stars in place of my one.

I'm just, frankly, revolted, and horrified at all this. Perhaps I'm the only one! Though I got the book as well, just like the others, always looking for substance--of this I suppose there are different kinds. Has Mr. Bayley ever written a novel, I wonder? Or 26 of them? He's quite prolific in a small-book kind of way of late...you see where I'm going, and here I will stop, for I've seen grief drive men mad on more than one occasion.

Rating:
Summary: Two kind women and one prickly widower
Review: Literary critic John Bayley, husband of novelist Iris Murdoch and her devoted caregiver during the several years that she was infirm with Alzheimer's until her death last year, has written several personal and revealing books on the last days and the death of his wife. This is the third of his trilogy.

Bayley says early that after his wife's death, he felt afraid, and really quite unable to cope. Even old friends seemed frightening: "All old friends were now threats." Of his wife's effect on him he writes, "And although Iris was unaware of it in the old days, before she was ill I was always under her protection." A catastrophe, then, has occurred; he is alone in the world, and scared of the world. But she is gone, and he finds himself in demand, the object of solicitous attention and effort ' but unable or unwilling to value the people, especially the women, who offer it. Of his situation he writes that widowers "don't lead lives. They wait for something to happen. And when something does happen, it becomes a muddle from which at once they have to try to escape." In fact, Bayley writes that he wants solitude, not company, but it is company that he is warmly and enthusiastically offered.

An old family friend, a widow, "Margot," extends courtesy, warmth, and a variety of selfless kindnesses to him. Margot brings him casseroles. Bayley confides to his reader that he dislikes casseroles, but it is an unendearing confession. Eventually he becomes reacquainted with "Mella," an enigmatic and unlucky young woman, a former student, who not only makes a series of good attempts to clean his famously squalid house, but also passes many not at all unpleasant hours with him. These two women shower the recalcitrant Bayley with attention and affection. His response is for the most part lukewarm at best, and horrified -in a sort of quiet and not quite subtly misogynistic horror - at worst.

Bayley was lucky: he lived in what he freely describes as a physically chaotic and dirty mess, took minimal care of himself and - from the sound of his report - made paltry efforts toward others. Still and all, he was attended to with grace and kindness. He writes, "How much I had suffered lately from kindness, and from goodness." I would offer that widows will not see themselves or their situation in that of John Bayley - and may even want to give him a good shake.

The second half of the book is a series of interesting musings on grief and loss, with good literary allusion and references (Thomas Hardy, Kipling, Shakespeare, Milton, Virginia Woolf, and many more). In addition there is good description of his married life, Alzheimer's disease, and of his life as a caregiver. A mystery involving Margot and Mella is resolved, and for Bayley there is a happy ending.

A story that is worth reading for a look into the mind of its author. I'd disagree with its publisher, who claims on its cover that it is "a book to be give into anyone dealing with the catastrophic loss of a loved one. " Many widows' primary problem is acute social isolation, which was not experienced by Mr. Bayley - a man who, despite his protestations, was awfully lucky in the year of his widowerhood.

Rating:
Summary: Humorous, touching, and ultimately uplifting
Review: Widower's House: A Study Of Bereavment, Or How Margot And Mella Forced Me To Flee My Home is a wistful memoir of wit and openness, as author John Bayley continues his comedy of errors from a fresh vantage point. Bayley recounts Margot and Mella, whom he found to be only barely tolerable before the death of his wife Iris; after, they threatened to drive him insane with unwanted comfort, consolation, and fierce competition for his time and attention. Humorous, touching, and ultimately uplifting as Bayley learns how to mourn his wife and find joy in the present, Widower's House is not to be missed. Also recommended are Baley's previous two memoirs, Elegy For Iris, and Iris And Her Friends.