The Wedding : A Family's Coming Out Story

Rating:
Summary: The political is wedded to the personal
Review: I'm the author of a novel about a Jewish mother whose lesbian daughter wants a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, so when I came on this true life account of a gay Jewish wedding, I had to read it. I was drawn to it also because I have a gay child myself, and am active in Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), an organization which offers support, education and advocacy for equal rights. I've seen even the most "accepting" parents draw back in dismay when their son or daughter desired a same-sex wedding ceremony.

As the book description notes, this story of one such wedding is told from four different viewpoints, the two halves of the gay couple, Douglas Wythe and Andrew Merling, and Andrew's parents, Roslyn and Sheldon Merling. Though the four viewpoints are presented as a dialog, alternating with one another, the narrative is blended into a coherent whole by a skilled editorial hand.

The Merlings consider themselves accepting of their gay children. (Andrew's older brother is also gay.) Roslyn, a social worker, helped found a synagogue-affiliated support group for parents of gays and lesbians. And Sheldon states over and over that he has no objection to a small, private "commitment ceremony" between Andrew and Doug. It's the vision of a big public affair that takes him aback. That, and the fact that both Doug and Andrew want to be married under a chuppah (canopy), an essential part of all Jewish weddings, and follow the other traditions that mark a Jewish wedding ceremony. Most of all, Sheldon adds, he wants to avoid having whatever ceremony is held turn into a political statement.

By the day of the wedding, it is clear to the other three, if not to Sheldon himself, that this is impossible. Like any other wedding, a wedding between a same-sex couple is a personal affirmation of love and commitment. But dignifying same-sex ceremonies with the term wedding, as opposed to commitment ceremony or holy union, seems upsetting to both homophobes and to those who believe themselves to be free of prejudice. This account by Doug, Andrew and Andrew's parents is both honest and moving as they describe both the conflicts that arise between them and their own internal struggles with the vestiges of homophobia and of concern with their wider community's reaction. Nor are these limited to the parents, as both young men describe their own struggles with self-acceptance. (As an example of the latter, the two decide against dancing with each other in a "first dance" at their wedding reception.)

With the aid of an understanding family therapist, both generations gain a greater understanding of the other's viewpoint. The parents overcome their initial shock to reach the point of walking their son down the aisle together (another Jewish tradition). It is this emotional journey that is the heart and strength of this book. So it's not giving anything away to say that yes, Andrew and Doug do have the blowout wedding of their dreams. Or to add that the somewhat scandalized congregation at their wedding gains a new appreciation both of their love for one another and of the rightness of their having a wedding to celebrate it. (As members of a close-knit Jewish community, Sheldon and Roslyn attended the weddings of the children of their many friends, and were obliged to return the favor with their own invitations to Andrew's ceremony.)

Toward the end of the book, Doug writes that when gay people are "not expending energy on hiding the fact, every moment is potentially political." This account underscores not only that fact, but the costs of being less than totally honest. One of the most poignant stories in the book for me was when Doug writes a letter to his parents, formally "coming out" to them. As he had brought Andrew home for several holiday dinners, he assumed that his parents understood that he was gay, without his ever having put it in words before. As it turns out, both his mother and father had separately made this assumption, but each, fearing the other could not bear to know it, had kept it to themselves, creating an unnecessary wall of silence in their marriage. It would seem (as PFLAG stresses in support groups) that honesty is not only the best cure for homophobia, but for strengthening family relationships as well.

I recommend this book wholeheartedly. About the only criticism I can make is that it would have been nice to have a few photos of the wedding, rather than just painting the elegant setting with words.

Rating:
Summary: Is this really necessary?
Review: That's the ongoing question that confronts two of the authors of this fresh and insightful book as they progress through their plans to be married. The issue, of course, is that these same authors, Doug and Andrew, happen to be two gay men trying to pull off a wedding in a society that either doesn't recognize or simply doesn't know what to make of same-sex marriage. From the point they decide to become engaged, to the night of their wedding, Doug and Andrew find themselves constantly confronted by family and friends (including gay friends) who can't understand why they feel a need to have a wedding or what they are trying to prove by having one.

What makes this book such a good read is that it it is formatted as a dialogue between Doug, Andrew, and Andrew's conservative Jewish parents, Roslyn and Sheldon. The story is told from these four points of view, each often offering conflicting or significantly different interpretations of the same events leading up to Doug and Andrew's wedding. It is this approach that enables the book to be more than a simple advocacy of gay marriage -- by enabling the reader to see through the eyes of people on different sides of this issue, the book shows the many emotional and oftentimes humorous effects such a decision can have on a family. Ultimately, a compelling read that reinforces faith in the strength and love that one often finds in the best of families in the toughest of situations.