Husbands Who Love Men

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Summary: Most informative and Helpful
Review: As a wife of a husband who is bisexual I found this book very intersting and helpful. I have searched for answers to the problems that have come upon my marriage due to my husbands desires for men. I think if I would have read this book before I was married I could have seen some of the signs that bisexual men exhibit. I really would recommend this book to any woman who suspects that her husband might be gay.

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Summary: should be called "husbands who have sex with lots of men"
Review: Dr Atwood tells some very sad and distressing stories of married men who destroyed their own and their families' happiness by leading promiscuous, deceitful double lives. From these admittedly horrible tales, she draws the conclusion that all bisexual married men are demons and that there is no hope for their marriages. The subtitle of her book makes her prejudice clear: "Deceit, Disease, Despair".

What Dr. Atwood (and, sadly, most of the other authors who treat this subject) fails to recognize is that real Husbands Who Love Men come in many different flavors. Some of them do, indeed, act on their sexual desires in ways that deceive their wives and damage their marriages. Some of them do conclude that they must have male sex partners or life partners in order to be fulfilled, deal with this discovery in a more-or-less considerate way, and leave their marriages to pursue a homosexual life. However, there are also men who seek to balance a genuine love and desire for their wives with a strong desire for men. These men may stay or leave, but they do not follow the sordid path of deceit, disease, and despair that Dr. Atwood describes. I am married to this sort of man. I am still looking for a book that describes the true spectrum of desire and behavior among men who struggle with issues of sexual identity and offers help for those of us who are trying to understand and live through a complex and difficult time in our lives.

Among those titles currently available, _Just Tell the Truth_ by Dr. Terry Norman asserts that all married men with same-sex desires MUST leave their wives and families and go through a prescribed series of steps (gay sexual exploration, intimate relationship with another man, affiliation with the gay community, and spiritual integration, in which they recognize their orientation as a gift from God) in order to achieve "orientational authenticity" and maturity. It is as absolute in its own way as Dr. Atwood's book. Then, there's _The Other Side of the Closet_ by Amity Pierce Buxton, which also dooms mixed-orientation marriages, insisting that "open marriage" or "triad marriage" arrangements are the only possibilities besides divorce. I could go on...

Folks, this is a complex issue. Not all men with same-sex urges are entirely homosexual! Bisexuality is a real thing, and it, too, encompasses a wide range of degrees of attraction to each sex! AND NOT ALL MEN, BISEXUAL OR HOMOSEXUAL, ARE EQUALLY MATURE, IMMATURE, DECEPTIVE, TRUTHFUL, LOVING, ABUSIVE, FAITHFUL, UNFAITHFUL, PROMISCUOUS, OR OTHERWISE. I just wish that there were a book available that treats this issue with the respect it deserves.

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Summary: A "must read" for every married women! Very informative!
Review: Dr. Atwood has tackled a subject that I think many women are afraid to talk about. I appreciated her forthright honesty in dealing with the subject of husbands who are gay. After reading the book, I felt very informed on the subject! She includes lots of stories that draw you into her book, making the reading very interesting. As a married women myself, I appreciated the new insights!

Rating:
Summary: An insightful book which every woman should read!
Review: Dr. Atwood has written an excellent book every woman take time to know. As I read this book I was impressed with the tremendous knowledge Dr. Atwood has on the subject. Her openness and honesty is a critical asset making this book a tremendous read.

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Summary: Excellent content, delivery, and candor--a must read!
Review: Dr. Atwood, in writing this book, has done the monumental task of describing the disasterous consequences of bisexual behavior--for men, their families, and especially their wives. I found myself highly engaged by the thoughtful narrative and difficult situations presented. If this subject hits close to home, or you would like more information on it, this is a book that cannot be missed.

A previous reader stated "this book in no way pulls male bisexuality out of the closet". My response is that Dr. Atwood did not try to take bisexual men out of the closet. She wrote it to expose WOMEN to the subject...to help them understand a hush-hush topic. And yes, she DID do her homework--her many documented experiences convey that; anyone who says differently read it with a closed mind and lack of perspective.

In order to know more about this subject, it would be in your best interest to read this book.

Rating:
Summary: Very informative and timely for our society today
Review: I have read Dr. Atwood's book and was very impressed by the amount of material that she presented on this subject. My heart went out to the families whose stories were told in these pages and I could feel their anguish with having to face this situation in their lives. Thank you Dr. Atwood for opening my eyes to a very real and growing problem in today's society.

Rating:
Summary: This book in no way pulls Male Bisexuality out of the closet
Review: If the author had wanted to truly understand male bisexuality and write a book about it's effects on Married Bisexual Men, there is plenty of resources out there. Atwood didn't do her homework on this one. She takes a stereotypical view of men who engage in homosexual activity and simply declares they are all gay. This makes no sense whatsoever.

While I won't deny that there are plenty of men who, for one reason or another, hide thier interest in male/male sex from either their wives or coworkers (or both) and are truly gay, the truth is somewhere in the middle. A truly gay man cannot hide his homosexuality for long from his wife. However a Bisexual one can because he is equally aroused by either sex. And not all bisexual men hide the fact from their spouses.

Ms. Atwood needs to go back to the drawing board on this subject. It is disappointing that someone with her degree of education would so blatantly bigoted. More effort in research on her part, and perhaps a good dose of medicine for her prejudices would have made a world of difference.

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Summary: There are better books on this subject
Review: There aren't a lot of books written on this subject, and fewer are worth reading. This book wouldn't be among them. My one sentence summary of this book would be -- Women are in danger of catching AIDS from gay or bisexual husbands/lovers (as opposed to the women that catch STDs (including HIV/AIDS) from their non-monogamous straight husbands/lovers.) As the sub-title suggests, the rest of the book is filled with stories of "deceit, disease, and despair", as well as the author's own biased attitude toward the subject.

Atwood "lifts" quotes out of context from Jean Schaar Gochros' book entitled "When Husbands come out of the Closet" and places them into her book. For example, Atwood attributes Gochros with the statement, "All the husbands were described as having always been or having become stereotypic male chauvinists...." The actual statement by Gochros was used to describe only men in the worst "horrendous" kind of six different categories of marriages. (Gochros 1989 p.39) Another example is that Atwood says that, "Gochros found that the women in her study seemed to lose their own personalities while trying to be good wives." While Gochros only uses this statement to describe a woman in one of her case studies and not all the women in her case studies as Atwood suggests. (Gochros 1989 p.11) Had I not read the Gochros book, I would have been none the wiser. The reader would be much better off reading the Gochros book. The one page condensed version by Atwood is out of context and offers a completely different conclusion than Gochros. Atwood's careless dealing with the Gochros material brings suspicion to her ability to assimilate the research material she used to support her beliefs.

In the one and only story that Atwood relates about women that "truly love their husbands", it ends in a "well planned and executed divorce." She writes off the husband and "HIS dilemma" and puts the entire "key" to the success of the divorce on the "strength of the wife."

I sensed an undercurrent of fear and dislike in this writing. There is the fear of the disease of AIDS and stories about the fear of sharing drinking glasses or living with people with AIDS. There are stories that show a fear that children will be turned into homosexuals because of their relationships with these men. The more I read the more I began to believe that Atwood has an intense dislike for men in general.

I couldn't recommend this book, as there are better books out there on this subject. One of the best books that I would highly recommend is the Gochros book "When Husbands Come Out of the Closet." Another popular book is "The Other Side of the Closet" by Buxton. Both books are worth reading.

Atwood's book truly offers no hope to women whose relationships are torn apart by the revelation that their spouses are gay or bisexual. It seems to promote the idea that all of these gay/bisexual men are lying, cheating, creeps. The book is not a scientific study, but a collection of stories detailing sad ordeals surrounding disclosures or discoveries. It is written with bias. Many women who find themselves in this situation end up bitter and angry and this book does nothing to help them through those emotions.

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Summary: In response to the comment made by a reader on April 28, '99
Review: This book does not address the bisexual man, but rather, the effects of women who are married to bisexual men. In reading the book one discovers this fact. I'm know there are many good books that address the husbands point of view. You stated that a truly gay man cannot hide his homosexuality for long from his wife. A gay man who hides his homosexuality for one minute from his wife is hiding it one minute too long. This book is about deception - it is not about the issue of a man's right to be gay. It is about a woman's right to know before she enters into a marriage with a person who chooses to be bisexual.