What is Marriage For? : The Strange Social History of Our Most Intimate Institution

Rating:
Summary: Finally: A woman's voice on same-sex marriage
Review: As the debate over same-sex couples' freedom to marry rolls from state to state, much of the discussion is framed in terms of the "purpose" and "definition" of marriage. Opponents claim that legally recognizing same-sex couplehood will somehow change the definition of marriage, while proponents say that civil marriage (as opposed to religious concepts of marriage) merely reflects centuries of change.

Lesbian-feminist author E.J. Graff tackles that issue head on in her new book, "What is Marriage For?: The Strange Social History of Our Most Intimate Institution," due for release in June by Beacon Press.

Graff's book is a welcome addition to the debate, which, on the proponents' side, has been advanced almost wholly by men. The most public voice has been that of Andrew Sullivan, former editor of The New Republic. Sullivan certainly has his own appeal. He serves as an effective foil to social conservatives, because he can counter them in their own language. But the other voices --primarily constitutional attorneys and social critics -- have also been male.

When I heard that Graff was writing a book, I was instinctively pleased that a woman's view was finally to be added to the conversation. My only exposure to Graff's work has been through her many fine op-ed pieces; I suspected that she'd do a reasonably good job. However, op-ed writing is a specialized craft, keyed to the pithy observation, made in 500 words or fewer. Thus, I wasn't prepared for the depth of scholarship that Graff deftly wields in this book. Nor was I prepared for her skilled interweave of the personal, the wry, and the scholarly.

This book seems to flow directly from Graff's regard for her partner, Madeline, with attendant curiosity about the "fit" of her relationship in today's society. It's unusual to find a book of this seriousness that so explicitly celebrates the challenges, the joys, and the hard work of couplehood. As such, this book should serve as an important touchpoint, and not only for participants in the debate over legally recognized same-sex marriages. Graff's book illustrates an important point: Much of the most incisive writing about marriage and couplehood is coming from gay and lesbian writers, who are adding much-needed clarity. One of the greatest ironies of the late 20th Century is that gay people are often the most impassioned advocates for committed couplehood.

E. J. Graff is one such voice.

Graff traces the history of marriage from the Old Testament Hebrews, to 19th Century Utopians, through to today. Though some critics may take fault with specific historical interpretations made by the author, the broader sweep of her inquiry will be much harder to challenge. Her conclusion is clear: marriage is a complex, shifting institution that has always reflected local understandings about things like money, sex, babies, kin, order, and, in Graff's final chapter, "heart."

Most tellingly, Graff finds that shifts in perceptions about marriage have often produced just the kind of tumult we're now witnessing over legal recognition of same-sex marriages. She writes that such past commotions have reflected rear-guard actions.

Graff writes:

"Disease, bestiality, incest, polygamy; a flagrant violation of the very definition of marriage; threats to children, family, society, and civilizations; God's coming punishment for sin: These same apocalypse-now charges are hurled in every marriage battle. Are such predictions any more true now than when they were, say, when early Christians advocated celibacy; when nineteenth-century women struggled to control their own wallets; or when twentieth-century feminists worked to legalize birth control? Such outcries are always a backlash against social and economic changes that have already taken place."

Graff's book is an unusual amalgam of scholarship and popular writing: just when the more casual reader is about to drown in a sea of historical fact, Graff throws a life vest. She applies a liberal sprinkling of "In other words . . .", and "To put it differently . . .", that takes a convoluted set of facts and adroitly compacts and clarifies them for the reader. What I had at first thought to be an annoying writer's tic became a signpost that I counted on.

This book is too centered, gentle and scholarly to be to be labeled a polemic. But "gentle" isn't a synonym for "timid" -- she directly engages feminist critics of marriage in a way that no male writer could hope to do. Her work should have a direct and salutary effect on the conversation amongst women.

"What Is Marriage For?" comes at a critical time, with an upcoming court decision in Vermont, and the expectation of a noisy electoral battle in California. This book is a must-read for many kinds of readers: marriage advocates, politicians, researchers, writers, feminists, couples, and, most surprisingly, non-gay people who may find their own understandings of marriage and family life reflected in this important book.

--John Wilkinson Co-founder and former Director of the Legal Marriage Alliance of Washington

Rating:
Summary: GREAT read!
Review: I expected this book to be kind of dry and boring, but it turned out to be absolutely fabulous. It is funny and eye-opening. I never knew just how much the family structure has changed over the course of human history. It was a bit shocking at times to see just how different "family values" used to be. (And how fortunate I am that marriage continues to evolve!)

Rating:
Summary: Not very enlightening.
Review: I picked up this book for the history-of-marriage value instead of the same-sex-marriage-propaganda value, and found the history and debated "reasons why people have historically married" to be rather uninformative. A lot of what was said seemed common knowledge about basic history of society. Marriage concepts are talked about generally more often than not. I would have liked to see more hard core facts rather than musings and contemplations. I was hoping for statistics to be sprinkled liberally, and perhaps many tales of certain marriages in the past that stood out either as especially abnormal for a time period, or exceedingly typical.

Rating:
Summary: Fantastic and Fascinating
Review: I picked up this book when I was having doubts about my friends' upcoming nuptials - I had hoped it would give them something to think about before they made that major step. I examined it more closely and realized it was a much more interesting book than that! The author has throroughly researched the various reasons marriage has existed as an institution (in Western civilization) and presents a compelling case in favor of same sex marriage as well. I was already in favor of same sex marriage, but now I have ammunition! It's lively, amazingly researched, and also full of facts you just don't get in history class. A must-read for social history buffs, gay-rights advocates, or anyone who wonders about relationships today.

Rating:
Summary: Great Book
Review: I really enjoyed this book and can't say enough good things about it. So I'll just leave it there for that. However, I would like to make an observation on what others have said about this book: It's only the straight people who think that Graff "overdoes it sometimes" or "beats people over the head with.(..)" her remarks on same-sex marriage. This is yet another example of how straight people just can let it go. Please, for once, stop trying to control the lives of gay people. Let us love in peace. You people are the ones with all the power in the world. You have absolutely no room to talk. You can't even dream of what it is like to be hated and oppressed. (...)

Rating:
Summary: very informative but a little overdone
Review: I was never that interested in the same-sex marriage debate until I learned of the legal protections that are automatically granted straight people when they marry. Graff's history of marriage is very illuminating and her argument for same-sex marriage is persuasive, but she does tend to beat the reader over the head with it at times. Similarly, I enjoyed Graff's biting witticisms but also found it was overdone at times.

Rating:
Summary: Fascinating and eye-opening
Review: Like Graff, my daughter is a lesbian in a committed relationship, and it angers me that she is prohibited from marrying the person she loves. I was delighted to find this book exploring the changing purpose of marriage in the western world from Roman times to the present and read Graff's case that the battle over same-sex marriage is just the next iteration in a centuries-old line of views of what marriage is for.

Graff never claims that her book is a balanced history; she lets readers know right up front that she is gay and that her purpose for doing all the research and writing was to present her argument that same-sex marriage should be legal. Anyone (like an earlier reviewer) who is surprised by that simply wasn't paying attention.

Graff's writing is both informative and lively, with plenty of facts interspersed with anecdotes and human interest. I already agreed with her premise so I didn't need to be persuaded, but she makes her case so well that it's hard to see how anyone could read this book and still believe gay people should be denied the right to marry. Even for those who are already believe that, the book is well worth reading. Now I can back up my assertion that same-sex marriage should be legal with a persuasive argument based on historical fact: What conservatives call "traditional marriage" is actually less than 100 years old, and this is the logical next step in its evolution.

This is an excellent book that belongs on the bookshelf of everyone who believes in human rights.

Rating:
Summary: Well-researched and entertaining
Review: This book is a well-researched, thorough treatment of the history of marriage in Western civilization. In addition, it is entertaining and witty, and makes an excellent case for marriage's continuing evolution.

Rating:
Summary: Original, unique, informative, funny, and entertaining
Review: This book is a wonderful read. It talks about the history of marriage in a way that is incredibly engaging, and also grounded in careful historical research. There is no other book which presents the history of marriage in the US and Europe in this way; most such books are quite dry but not this one. The author uses the wide variety of functions of marriage over the years to craft a persuasive argument in favor of allowing marriage by same-gender couples. But the book is much more than that! It discusses religion, economics, law, and a host of other social phenomena as they have related to marriage over the centuries, in a format that is brilliantly organized and eminently readable. This book makes a great wedding present or birthday present. It is timely and important. Marriage is the subject of much public policy discussion these days, and this book gives readers an informed, nuanced perspective on the institution. It is especially strong in pointing out the ways that what many of us think of as "traditional marriage" has changed over the years. The author shows, in her entertaining way, that many of the things we take for granted as part of "traditional" marriage (like Love, for example), actually are rather recent additions to the elements of marriage. I highly recommend this book.

Rating:
Summary: Fascinating and eye-opening
Review: This is a great book. It is not only well-researched, but also witty, insightful, and a very engaging read. It's impressive how accessible Graff has made this material; there's a lot of very detailed information packed into a small book, but it's never dry or difficult to read. Her arguments in favor of same-sex marriage are thoughtful and very well-reasoned -- I now feel much better prepared for discussing same-sex marriage with family and friends.